Boyfriend not coping with Dad's death

LegacyUser

My boyfriend lost his dad a couple of months ago thru an illness that lasted 5 yrs and is absolutely devastated as anyone would be with losing a parent. He was very close to his dad, I never knew his dad properly as he was sick when me and OH got together but our weekends would depend on whether there was anyone else to stay wit him and everything we did for the past 4 years have been revolved around his dad. His death came as a surprise to everyone as he was only 60 and had been admitted to hospital with a chest infection. The night before my OH's dad passed away we went in to visit him and left a couple of hours later not thinking that he would be gone in the morning. Even when he got the call the next morning to come to the hospital we knew he had taken a turn but never imagined that he was gone.

My boyfriend is finding it really hard to deal with his dad's death and espc the fact that we left the night before and no one was with his wen he passed away. He has began drinking alot, every night of the week, in the house and in the local. It worries me because his dad was an alcoholic for years and everything his family earned was spent on alcohol. And he started drink driving.

I'm trying so hard to be there for him but I feel he is pushing me away, I don’t tink he’s doing it on purpose and i dont doubt for a moment that he doesn’t love me. But he has become so snappy and agitated that i find it so hard. He refused to talk to me the other night for an hour bcos I touched him with cold hands.

The only time he wants to talk about his dad is after he's had a few drinks, wher he becomes really upset. When I try to bring it up the next day he has no recollection of the conversation. I just dont know where to go from here. Do i give him more space r less?

I know he's hurting and ther is noting I can do to help......

Obviously i know that it will take time, but with Christmas coming up i know its not going to get any easier.

MagicMarker

To be perfectly honest, my advice would be to get away ASAP.

Your boyfriend has problems that are way beyond your control, if you stay with him then you'll endure a life that his mother probably went through, it's not worth it.

Owen

MagicMarker wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, my advice would be to get away ASAP.

WTF?

OP, I've been in a similar situation to your OH, but it's the death of his father that's on his mind at the moment, not the desire to push you away. You need to sit down with him and explain to him how you're feeling, and do it out of the house, go for a coffee somewhere and tell him everything. You've been there for him, let him be there for you now and explain all the things that are upsetting you.

You sound like you've got a pretty level head on your shoulders, and you'll do fine out of this situation regardless of the outcome.

LegacyUser

That wasnt exactly the response I was looking for. I love this man and have been together for four years.

Wibbs

I disagree with magicmarkers post. The guy is going through the grief process of losing a parent. You don't leave people at times like that, unless you're unbelievably self centered. All too often people throw in the towel like children. Life gets hard, yes and if you love someone you realise that and try to help them through those hard times. Otherwise love or any defeintion of it means nothing.

Yes the drinking is a major worry and I would gently suggest seeking help for that to your boyfriend. Do not harp at him about it. Leave emotion out of it in your tone of voice. He'll be twitchy enough and feeling sorry for himself, so will be sensitive. He's also in the "aw screw the lot of it" phase, so telling him you'll leave won't work. He wants you to in a way. Quietly tell him you love him, but that you can't watch him kill himself. You don't want to be burying him too.

Now if after christmas you see no positive change at all. Then I would tell him, without getting too emotional, that you love him, but you need to look after yourself too. If he won't take the help you're willing to give then you will walk away.

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this-
I lost my dad three months ago and trust me, its hard to help someone when this happens. If my boyfriend had not been there, I dont know how I would have coped. I would say to you to just give him some space and let him figure out what he needs to do to cope with his loss. Everyone copes differently and you sound like you really want to be there for him, but he just doesent know how to cope at the moment.

Just give him a little bit of space and when he wants to talk, he will.

Good luck.

MagicMarker

Wibbs wrote: »

I disagree with magicmarkers post. The guy is going through the grief process of losing a parent. You don't leave people at times like that, unless you're unbelievably self centered. All too often people throw in the towel like children. Life gets hard, yes and if you love someone you realise that and try to help them through those hard times. Otherwise love or any defeintion of it means nothing.

Yes the drinking is a major worry and I would gently suggest seeking help for that to your boyfriend. Do not harp at him about it. Leave emotion out of it in your tone of voice. He'll be twitchy enough and feeling sorry for himself, so will be sensitive. He's also in the "aw screw the lot of it" phase, so telling him you'll leave won't work. He wants you to in a way. Quietly tell him you love him, but that you can't watch him kill himself. You don't want to be burying him too.

Now if after christmas you see no positive change at all. Then I would tell him, without getting too emotional, that you love him, but you need to look after yourself too. If he won't take the help you're willing to give then you will walk away.

I agree, I wasn't suggesting the OP pack up his shít and leave it on the doorstep never to speak to him again. But based on the fact the man is an alcoholic with a predisposition to alcoholism. I don't believe it would be self centered to see that he is beyond anything but professional help, I can't see him giving up alcohol, especially coming up to xmas, so I think waiting a few weeks for xmas to be over is prolonging the inevitable tbh.

She can still help him, but she doesn't have to be in the firing line, imo.

peanut66

MagicMarker wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, my advice would be to get away ASAP.

Your boyfriend has problems that are way beyond your control, if you stay with him then you'll endure a life that his mother probably went through, it's not worth it.

What are u talking about?? you clearly don't have a clue do u??!!
Her OH has just lost his father of course he is going to be upset and snappy. That doesn't mean he is a bad person or that he doesn't love the OP.

And I would imagine its pretty natural to want to have a few drinks and try to take your mind off something like that if only for a little while at least. This doesn't make him an alcoholic!The OP can talk to him and reasure him that she is there for him while also giving him some space to deal with things. You don't get over something like that straight away......things will get easier in time and we would all be eternally single if everyone gave up and ran off when times got tough.

Magic marker must not have ever had to go through something like that with someone they care about if you could drop someone so easily.

My father is battling cancer at the moment and has been told he only has 1 year to live and I would be lost without my OH as I am in bits over it. Ya I can get quite upset and snappy with him at times aswell but it doesn't mean Im pushing him away or that I don't want him around. Everyone deals with things like this differently OP and all I can say is stick with him and try help him through it its not going to be easy...but things will get better eventually

Aurora Borealis

I think you’re doing a good job of being there for him. Try to talk to him regarding the drinking if it continues but not in an accusatory way. It’s hard to know how to be there for someone in this situation. My only experience of it was getting together with someone a year after they had lost their Dad who had been a huge influence in their life. I didn’t really know how to be around the subject, whether it was something I should ask about every now and then to see how he was doing or not. Was a good bit younger then in many ways and sometimes think I didn’t do the right thing by not mentioning it at times to see how he doing just because he didn’t himself. I regret that. I tried my best though and used to love to listen to him talk about his Dad the times he did because I felt it was really good for him to do so and obviously when you love someone you want for them to be okay. I think guys in general tend to need more space when it comes to personal issues so don’t push the issue with him but make sure he knows you’re there for him when he needs you and tell him that. Keep listening, keep being there. I can only imagine how awful it must be for him.

RoosterIllusion

Wibbs wrote: »

You don't leave people at times like that, unless you're unbelievably self centered.

Wrong. What if the other person is unbelievably self centered?

Partizan

MagicMarker wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, my advice would be to get away ASAP.

Your boyfriend has problems that are way beyond your control, if you stay with him then you'll endure a life that his mother probably went through, it's not worth it.

I agree with a similar poster. You have no idea what you are talking about. The poor guy has just lost a parent and you advocate running a mile. You come across as cold hearted and incredibly self centred. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if you lost a father and your lover went a running. Not very nice huh! I hope to God I never cross your path.

OP, please sit down with your boyfriend and comfort him. Be there for him because he needs you now more than ever. Dont do what this muppet above tells you.

wolfpawnat

OP, my boyfriends father died in May, after 2 weeks in a coma and several years of heart wrenching strokes and illnesses, I only have been with my boyfriend 2 years, so I know the position you fid yourself in, your part of the family, but not a big enough part to interfer in any way!
Fortunately for my boyfriend, he and his sister discuss their father alot so any day he feels low he can vent it with her. I sometimes feel out of the loop on how he is coping as a result but I feel sure that his sis would tell me if I had reason to worry.
It is terrible that your boyfriend feels so bad and it is obvious that you love him and want him to get himself sorted again, as life sadly does have to keep going even if he wants it to remain still. He needs the help of someone that has faced the same heartache as him, a specialist in dying, but I have no doubt like all men he doesnt want to see some "head doctor".
You are right in wanting to have a nice xmas and knowing this one is the first without his father, it is going to be extra hard. I am not sure myself how to help my boyfriend this year. I will probably stay away for him to grieve with his sister. You want to be there for him but you also dont want to be made feel as though you have to suffer either, many selfish people would call you selfish, but you are not there is no point in dragging yourself down! See if you can get him to go to a grievance professional, even if its just a gp, they may have more answers than you think

Partizan

wolfpawnat wrote: »

OP, my boyfriends father died in May, after 2 weeks in a coma and several years of heart wrenching strokes and illnesses, I only have been with my boyfriend 2 years, so I know the position you fid yourself in, your part of the family, but not a big enough part to interfer in any way!
Fortunately for my boyfriend, he and his sister discuss their father alot so any day he feels low he can vent it with her. I sometimes feel out of the loop on how he is coping as a result but I feel sure that his sis would tell me if I had reason to worry.
It is terrible that your boyfriend feels so bad and it is obvious that you love him and want him to get himself sorted again, as life sadly does have to keep going even if he wants it to remain still. He needs the help of someone that has faced the same heartache as him, a specialist in dying, but I have no doubt like all men he doesnt want to see some "head doctor".
You are right in wanting to have a nice xmas and knowing this one is the first without his father, it is going to be extra hard. I am not sure myself how to help my boyfriend this year. I will probably stay away for him to grieve with his sister. You want to be there for him but you also dont want to be made feel as though you have to suffer either, many selfish people would call you selfish, but you are not there is no point in dragging yourself down! See if you can get him to go to a grievance professional, even if its just a gp, they may have more answers than you think

Spot on. OP heed this advice. I just wish my ex had been there for me because right now I'm going through a difficult time with a terminally sick parent. Instead she just upped sticks and ran.

Be there for him, give him all the advice and help he needs but also keep a 'distance' and let him grieve with his family.

Mr. Incognito

My Dad died of cancer last January and I was depressed for months. I didn't even notice I reckon, my ex girlfriend and people around me just said it to me recently that I eminated sadness.

People handle grief in different ways, I'd sneak down to a pub the odd time and get blotted and have a cry but in the end booze and grief do not mix well. But it helped to some degree I guess. Fella's might need some lubricant to deal with their emotions as they have not been brought up to express themselves.

Try and get him out of the house and active. Plan a holiday- anything to break the routine. It's going about the monotony of life afterwards when your whole world has crumbled that makes it so hard. The first few months are the toughest. I would not put any pressure on him, and poking him for answers will not work as he has none- there are no quick fixes when it comes to death, only acceptance. And acceptance takes time.

It's been a few months and drinking every day is excessive. Book an adventure holiday not a boozefest in the sun or else take him for a hike. There is nothing more catharic than sitting on top of a mountain and seeing how beautiful the world it is to give you a little perspective.

Grief is good days when you don't think about it and bad days are when you initially feel guilty for not thinking about it or are reminded of you lost loved one in the most insignificant of ways. I used to go for my phone to text my father or give him a call, and have to check myself. That's the hardest, it feels like they are still here, but in a country you can't call. Eventually the sharpness fades. Time takes time.

FizzyBubbly

Unregistered wrote: »

My boyfriend is finding it really hard to deal with his dad's death and espc the fact that we left the night before and no one was with his wen he passed away. He has began drinking alot, every night of the week, in the house and in the local. It worries me because his dad was an alcoholic for years and everything his family earned was spent on alcohol. And he started drink driving.

I'm trying so hard to be there for him but I feel he is pushing me away, I don’t tink he’s doing it on purpose and i dont doubt for a moment that he doesn’t love me. But he has become so snappy and agitated that i find it so hard. He refused to talk to me the other night for an hour bcos I touched him with cold hands.

The only time he wants to talk about his dad is after he's had a few drinks, wher he becomes really upset. When I try to bring it up the next day he has no recollection of the conversation. I just dont know where to go from here. Do i give him more space r less?

I know he's hurting and ther is noting I can do to help......

Obviously i know that it will take time, but with Christmas coming up i know its not going to get any easier.

Hi I am sorry for what you are both going through especially the bf.
First what i want to say is it's not you,he does not want to hurt you.To be honest i am speaking from experience, he may not even be thinking of you.His emotions are all over the place understandably and you have to be a strong person to go through the next few months with him. I do think you should let him talk to you, and if the poor thing can only talk after a few drinks then let him get it out. I would not recommend telling him your feelings so soon, he may take is as selfish on your behalf.i am not saying you are just that emotions that arise from grief are strong.just listen to him and be there for him, he will come around. Its hard to ignore the anger, grief manifests itself into all sorts of things, he is edgy at the moment but its not to do with you, i cant stress that enough do not take things personally.

If you love him, tell him you will be there for him, that he can talk to you without being judged and that you cant feel what he is going through but you will be by his side.

I hate to bring up the medication route but i was prescribed a drug called xanax, a relaxer. it calmed my emotions and helped me sleep. It got me through my first month and i can honestly say taken in the right way it works wonders.it is better than alcohol, that really is the worst route.i drank once after my experience and it was great but the next day wasn't.it was one of the worst i had.so i was strong enough to nip it in the bud.

My only other advice is counselling, i did not take that route, friends family and doctors helped me and the priest took lots of weight off my mind.If he has unanswered questions and guilt get it dealt with.Im sure if his dad was in hospital the nurse or doctor would speak to him about unanswered questions that he has.

They work in hospitals and are trained and i think you should maybe try and get your bf to give it a go.

I hope things work out for you both.

MagicMarker

peanut66 wrote: »

What are u talking about?? you clearly don't have a clue do u??!!

And you're the expert I assume?

peanut66 wrote: »

Her OH has just lost his father of course he is going to be upset and snappy. That doesn't mean he is a bad person or that he doesn't love the OP.

Please quote where I said otherwise.

peanut66 wrote: »

And I would imagine its pretty natural to want to have a few drinks and try to take your mind off something like that if only for a little while at least. This doesn't make him an alcoholic!

The man drinks every day of the week, has a predisposition to alcoholism and you're seriously trying to tell me he isn't an alcoholic? Are you for real?

peanut66 wrote: »

The OP can talk to him and reasure him that she is there for him while also giving him some space to deal with things. You don't get over something like that straight away......things will get easier in time and we would all be eternally single if everyone gave up and ran off when times got tough.

I agree, unfortunately I also realise that we do not live in a perfect world, and people who fall don't always land on their feet no matter how much space or reassurance is given. There's a chance here that he'll take years upon years to overcome his problems, if he ever does, and in the mean time the OP, who is the innocent party will have to suffer along side him.

People grieve in all kinds of ways, but no one has the right to grieve in a way that will effect their family to such an extent that alcohol takes over. Why should the OP accept the fact that her partner drinks on a daily basis? Because he lost a parent? Is that really excuse enough to punish the people around you? Where shall we draw the line? If someone close to me dies tomorrow can I start abusing those close to me, is it ok then?

peanut66 wrote: »

Magic marker must not have ever had to go through something like that with someone they care about if you could drop someone so easily.

I never said to 'drop' anyone, and I never said it was easy.

peanut66 wrote: »

My father is battling cancer at the moment and has been told he only has 1 year to live and I would be lost without my OH as I am in bits over it.

Are you drinking every night of the week as well?

Listen, you can call me cold hearted all you want, I really don't care. But there comes a time when you have to draw a line and say ''hey, this is unacceptable and things need to change''. I'm not saying the OP should run away, but she doesn't have to be the victim either. People go through traumatic experiences all the time, they don't all find the answers they need in a bottle.

MagicMarker

Partizan wrote: »

I agree with a similar poster. You have no idea what you are talking about. The poor guy has just lost a parent and you advocate running a mile. You come across as cold hearted and incredibly self centred. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if you lost a father and your lover went a running. Not very nice huh! I hope to God I never cross your path.

OP, please sit down with your boyfriend and comfort him. Be there for him because he needs you now more than ever. Dont do what this muppet above tells you.

If I lost my father and my lover went running the next day, I'd be heartbroken. If I lost my father and after 3 months of alcohol abuse my lover left, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Also, post reported for personal abuse.

Linoge

MagicMarker wrote: »

If I lost my father and my lover went running the next day, I'd be heartbroken. If I lost my father and after 3 months of alcohol abuse my lover left, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Also, post reported for personal abuse.

From what the OP is saying this is out of charactor for him and is purely because of his da dying. The OP is looking for people with experience on how to deal with it. I think you hit a sore spot with people when your very first reaction was to run away. (And please don't downgrade it by refering to a boyfriend or girlfriend as a "lover", they're not fck buddies)

OP, I agree with Incognito about getting away from it all. You need to help your bf to get back to normality and he needs to get out and enjoy himself again. Is there something you can do together in the evening to keep him out of the pub?

Also, don't concentrate on him "grieving". If he is sad, dont ask him what he is thinking about and does he want to talk about it etc. Just try to cheer him up. Distraction is 90% of dealing with a death in my opinion.

Finally, and I don't even want to say this for fear of of being on MM "side":pac: but... you cannot let his behaviour continue to affect you like this. Have you told him how bad he is treating you? How unbearable he has become? You should tell him all of this. If and when he comes back with the "my father just died" speech tell him that you understand that he is in pain and you want to help him but that he can't continue the way he is behaving.

Ask him when does he expect to stop all this self destructive behaviour? Has he got any idea or thought about how he will move on?? If he knows that he is greatly affecting your relationship and does not take any steps to change or make things easier and better then he is not grieving, he is being selfish.

Asking him to reflect upon his behaviour might really help him. Ultimately, nobody else can make you happy, you have to make yourself happy and it just seems that so far your bf is (for ironic purposes) "happy" to remain in a bad and grieving state.

deisemum

OP I'm so sorry to hear about your DP's loss.

When my dad died 5.5 years ago my whole body physically ached for a month or two and I would often start a sentance and then halfway through saying it I'd completely forget what I was in the middle of saying. I also snapped at hubby and children and then feel bad for snapping.

After my dad's death all hell broke out in my large family and 5.5 years later some are still not talking to some family members. Gardai had to get involved it was that bad. All this crap distracted some of us from being able to grieve at the time.

A lot of churches have lay people that offer bereavement counselling, it might be worth looking into. Some people who haven't experienced death of someone very close can sometimes have unrealistic expectations of how long it can take to grieve and think a few weeks or months and you'll be grand again.

I think the first year is extremely difficult having to deal with the first of everything significant thing, first birthday, first christmas, first anniversary etc. Even now anytime I smell lilies I'm reminded of my dad's funeral.

Captain Ginger

Aight lads cmon we post here to help, not judge other peoples advice, if we all posted the same thing then this forum would only need a few stickes on a guide through life so relax.


Although I think what MagicMarker said came across as a bit harsh, at the same time if this man is going to become self destructive he's only going to drag the OP down with him.

My advice? Talk to him, be there for him, if this continues and shows no signs of ending then walk.

kraggy

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

My Dad died of cancer last January and I was depressed for months. I didn't even notice I reckon, my ex girlfriend and people around me just said it to me recently that I eminated sadness.

People handle grief in different ways, I'd sneak down to a pub the odd time and get blotted and have a cry but in the end booze and grief do not mix well. But it helped to some degree I guess. Fella's might need some lubricant to deal with their emotions as they have not been brought up to express themselves.

Try and get him out of the house and active. Plan a holiday- anything to break the routine. It's going about the monotony of life afterwards when your whole world has crumbled that makes it so hard. The first few months are the toughest. I would not put any pressure on him, and poking him for answers will not work as he has none- there are no quick fixes when it comes to death, only acceptance. And acceptance takes time.

It's been a few months and drinking every day is excessive. Book an adventure holiday not a boozefest in the sun or else take him for a hike. There is nothing more catharic than sitting on top of a mountain and seeing how beautiful the world it is to give you a little perspective.

Grief is good days when you don't think about it and bad days are when you initially feel guilty for not thinking about it or are reminded of you lost loved one in the most insignificant of ways. I used to go for my phone to text my father or give him a call, and have to check myself. That's the hardest, it feels like they are still here, but in a country you can't call. Eventually the sharpness fades. Time takes time.

That's one of the best posts I've read in a long time, if only because I can relate to it, but more than likely because others can too.

The breaking of the monotony is a great start. That's not to say that you would be trying to make him forget about the issue at hand. It would be simply giving him a breath of fresh air from the stress that he has been going through. More importantly, I cannot disagree enough with what Magic Marker has said about doing a legger, even if it is for just a few weeks. After 4 years with your fella, that would be hard to comprehend for anyone.

I've lost my father to cancer but have not experienced having to be there for a partner who lost someone themselves though I've tried to be there for someone whose parent was similarly ill. It is a very tough predicament to find yourself in, in some ways just as difficult a position to be in as the person your caring for right now.

What I will say is this, let him know that you are there for him, but without trying too hard or smothering him. As someone else has said, guys find it more difficult to express their feelings and thus release the tension in both their minds and their bodies and so are more likely to resort to short-term stress relievers as alcohol or drugs or whatever comforts that may come temporarily naturally to them. That may be difficult for some girls to understand (and indeed some guys) but try and bear with it and ride the storm out.

Though your partner is letting off steam in this manner right now, does not mean that he will continue to do so. If he does so into next year and beyond, then yes, he will obviously be in need of more help.

In the meantime, I can only suggest that you try and continue to be there for him whilst taking a little step back. I realise it's difficult and probably one of the most difficult things you will have to go through but at the end of the day, it is most certainly a matter of time before he can develop the strength to deal with what is possibly the most difficult experience in his life thus far.

I wish you and your fella the best. Just remember, each day is added strength, for both of you.

K.

Beruthiel

Partizan wrote: »

I hope to God I never cross your path.

Please explain what you mean by that remark?

Dont do what this muppet above tells you.

People post here giving their opinions, find a way to disagree without resorting to name calling.
Read this forums charter before you get yourself banned.
B

Mr. Incognito

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

My Dad died of cancer last January and I was depressed for months. I didn't even notice I reckon, my ex girlfriend and people around me just said it to me recently that I eminated sadness.

People handle grief in different ways, I'd sneak down to a pub the odd time and get blotted and have a cry but in the end booze and grief do not mix well. But it helped to some degree I guess. Fella's might need some lubricant to deal with their emotions as they have not been brought up to express themselves.

Try and get him out of the house and active. Plan a holiday- anything to break the routine. It's going about the monotony of life afterwards when your whole world has crumbled that makes it so hard. The first few months are the toughest. I would not put any pressure on him, and poking him for answers will not work as he has none- there are no quick fixes when it comes to death, only acceptance. And acceptance takes time.

It's been a few months and drinking every day is excessive. Book an adventure holiday not a boozefest in the sun or else take him for a hike. There is nothing more catharic than sitting on top of a mountain and seeing how beautiful the world it is to give you a little perspective.

Grief is good days when you don't think about it and bad days are when you initially feel guilty for not thinking about it or are reminded of you lost loved one in the most insignificant of ways. I used to go for my phone to text my father or give him a call, and have to check myself. That's the hardest, it feels like they are still here, but in a country you can't call. Eventually the sharpness fades. Time takes time.

Excelent post,it rings so true to the way I feel to be honest as does the advice.


OP I lost my Dad 10 years ago in march and my mum to cancer less than 2 years ago.You never really get over that,you just accept it eventually and move on.
Even though it's part of life and logic tells you that it is so going to happen,the sense of total disbelief is palpable.
For instance I believe that my Mum and Dad should still be alive.I'll probably believe that even if I live to be a 100 such is the shock of it all even if you are expecting it.
It's not your Bf's fault or anybodies.
There is nothing that can be done about death.
When you are close to a parent,the sadness and grief of losing them can hit you like a 50 tonne truck.It's indescribeable.

You've got some good advice here so do take it on board and just do what you want to do for that lad.

Partizan

MagicMarker wrote: »

If I lost my father and my lover went running the next day, I'd be heartbroken. If I lost my father and after 3 months of alcohol abuse my lover left, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Also, post reported for personal abuse.

I'm going through a similar experience right now so you can forgive me if i'm emotional right now, thank you very much.

von Neumann

The guy's a mess,
You don't understand, he doesn't understand, nobody understands.

If I where you I'd write him a letter explaining how you feel, that you'll always be there for him, that you know he doesn't mean to hurt you etc etc etc

then put as much distance between you and him as you need.

You can only ever do so much, don't worry he'll be back, It just takes a bit of time.

Good luck OP

peanut66

MagicMarker wrote: »

And you're the expert I assume?



Please quote where I said otherwise.



The man drinks every day of the week, has a predisposition to alcoholism and you're seriously trying to tell me he isn't an alcoholic? Are you for real?



I agree, unfortunately I also realise that we do not live in a perfect world, and people who fall don't always land on their feet no matter how much space or reassurance is given. There's a chance here that he'll take years upon years to overcome his problems, if he ever does, and in the mean time the OP, who is the innocent party will have to suffer along side him.

People grieve in all kinds of ways, but no one has the right to grieve in a way that will effect their family to such an extent that alcohol takes over. Why should the OP accept the fact that her partner drinks on a daily basis? Because he lost a parent? Is that really excuse enough to punish the people around you? Where shall we draw the line? If someone close to me dies tomorrow can I start abusing those close to me, is it ok then?

I never said to 'drop' anyone, and I never said it was easy.



Are you drinking every night of the week as well?




Listen, you can call me cold hearted all you want, I really don't care. But there comes a time when you have to draw a line and say ''hey, this is unacceptable and things need to change''. I'm not saying the OP should run away, but she doesn't have to be the victim either. People go through traumatic experiences all the time, they don't all find the answers they need in a bottle.

He is hardly abusing her now in fairness?? Well sure in your perfect world when we lose someone we love we will bounce back not a bother, throw a party sure!


My father is still alive thank God and Im not thinking negatively and therefore I can get through it. However when it does come to that day however it happens then ya I would drink like a fish........if it helped........Thats not to say it would be forever



you said it all MM you really dont care. Id say you took one look at the Original Post and gave it 2 seconds thought before figuring that because you would not have the patience to handle that situation that nobody would therefore the op should run a mile. Not everyone has the same tendencies as yourself.....If you haven't been in the situation you have no clue what so ever as to how hard it is.

You did tell her to run away, your advice to the OP was leave the person she cares about, who is depending heavily on her at the moment just because her OH is acting out of character!! And you don't feel that losing his Dad is a good enough excuse to act out of character???? What planet are u on?

Handsome Bob

Unregistered wrote: »

My boyfriend lost his dad a couple of months ago thru an illness that lasted 5 yrs and is absolutely devastated as anyone would be with losing a parent. He was very close to his dad, I never knew his dad properly as he was sick when me and OH got together but our weekends would depend on whether there was anyone else to stay wit him and everything we did for the past 4 years have been revolved around his dad. His death came as a surprise to everyone as he was only 60 and had been admitted to hospital with a chest infection. The night before my OH's dad passed away we went in to visit him and left a couple of hours later not thinking that he would be gone in the morning. Even when he got the call the next morning to come to the hospital we knew he had taken a turn but never imagined that he was gone.

My boyfriend is finding it really hard to deal with his dad's death and espc the fact that we left the night before and no one was with his wen he passed away. He has began drinking alot, every night of the week, in the house and in the local. It worries me because his dad was an alcoholic for years and everything his family earned was spent on alcohol. And he started drink driving.

I'm trying so hard to be there for him but I feel he is pushing me away, I don’t tink he’s doing it on purpose and i dont doubt for a moment that he doesn’t love me. But he has become so snappy and agitated that i find it so hard. He refused to talk to me the other night for an hour bcos I touched him with cold hands.

The only time he wants to talk about his dad is after he's had a few drinks, wher he becomes really upset. When I try to bring it up the next day he has no recollection of the conversation. I just dont know where to go from here. Do i give him more space r less?

I know he's hurting and ther is noting I can do to help......

Obviously i know that it will take time, but with Christmas coming up i know its not going to get any easier.

I haven't lost a parent, but I have had people close to me battle the bottle. Listen, I'm afraid you can't help your BF snap out of it. He has to hit rock bottom, something has to happen that makes him say "this can't go on" before he will start on the road to recovery.

All you can do OP is take a step back and give him some space. Trust me, all the interventions in the world won't help him. All you can do is be there when he does hit rock bottom.

MagicMarker

peanut66 wrote: »

He is hardly abusing her now in fairness?? Well sure in your perfect world when we lose someone we love we will bounce back not a bother, throw a party sure!

My father is still alive thank God and Im not thinking negatively and therefore I can get through it. However when it does come to that day however it happens then ya I would drink like a fish........if it helped........Thats not to say it would be forever

you said it all MM you really dont care. Id say you took one look at the Original Post and gave it 2 seconds thought before figuring that because you would not have the patience to handle that situation that nobody would therefore the op should run a mile. Not everyone has the same tendencies as yourself.....If you haven't been in the situation you have no clue what so ever as to how hard it is.

You did tell her to run away, your advice to the OP was leave the person she cares about, who is depending heavily on her at the moment just because her OH is acting out of character!! And you don't feel that losing his Dad is a good enough excuse to act out of character???? What planet are u on?

Out of character? The man is an alcoholic ffs, how can you be so blind!?

Also, please don't make assumptions about me, I never said what I'd do in this situation, I'm only giving an outsiders point of view to the OP. I wouldn't know what I would do in this situation until I face it myself.

For the record, I don't disagree with any advice given on this thread, this is not a case of right or wrong, merely differences of opinion. There's every chance the OP's partner will cop on and be back to his normal self in a matter of months. BUT, there's also a chance he won't, to deny this is ignorance of the highest order tbh. He is well beyond any help the OP can give and from the sounds of it is not even close to facing his demons, it's not fair for the OP to just accept that and play the waiting game.

You can lambast me all you want, knock yourself out. But my advice is as valid as everyone else's on this thread and I'd appreciate it if you climbed back down from your moral high ground.

LegacyUser

Hey guys OP here!

Thanks a mill for all of your advice and opinions; its given me alot to tink about.

Im also sorry to those of you who have lost a parent. And its good to hear opinions from that prospective because ive never been thru wat my bf is goin thru rite now!

Thanks again!

LegacyUser

OP. I agree with Magicmarker get away now.

I have not read all the repies but having lived with an alcoholic and with my father dying just over a year ago, I know what i am talking about, get out now.

Drinking everyday of the week is just not acceptable.

You have tried to help him, he knows this, be there to help him later on if he asks for it.
As you said his father was an alcoholic and he is heading that way.

You can see the lights flashing already, why are you waiting to hear the sirens.

LegacyUser

Just want to add more to my eariler reply.
First off I am a male and having now read all the replies I can see some abuse coming my way.

The OP is dealing with two issues
1) Her boyfriends dad died recently - as i said my dad died just over a year ago and yes it was hard and yes my wife was there for me but on the other hand I didnt go running off down the pub or drown in a bottle at home I had more respect for myself and more importantly for my wife.

2) Her boyfriend is an alcoholic or soon will be - having lived with one(a female) I didnt leave straight away and to be honest it taught me to respect alcohol but was not an easy lesson. For everyone here is the crash course. Alcoholics are selfish, you cant help them until they want to help themselves and even then you still cant cure them that is up to themselves. So get out now or if you cant/dont want to leave him tell him to sort himself now, its coming up to Christmas someone posted, tough. He sorts himself out now. I dont mean he wakes up tomorrow and is back to 100% but he stops drinking now. because as other posters have said drinking every night of the week is just not acceptable. If he cant/wont stop drinking you leave even if it is Christmas day or you will end up like you boyfriends mother and he will suck you down to his level and he will not care. So leave if it comes to this it might seem cold hearted, cruel, selfish, self centred it is not. It is hard but it is also right and if one day he does stop drinking he will also know that you were right.

metrovelvet

I lost a parent and went of the rails for about two years. Was very hard to be around because I was so wrapped up in the grief and this is understandable. It kind of is a form of surreality. It also depends on the nature and circumstances of the death also.

However, OP, your boyfriend is more than in mourning. He is an aloholic. I would suggest moving out but perhaps not breaking up with him if you love him. This may cause a whopper of an abandoment for him, as the grief wound is still raw, but it may force him to get help for his addiction. He is running away from the pain of the loss. But it will get him and get him and probably you too very badly if he doesn't face it.

An alcoholic is no different from a junkie, and you can never trust a junkie.

LegacyUser

op, firstly I really, really feel for you. This must be such a hard time for you and make sure you give yourself a break for the hard ones life has been throwing at you for the past while. Just because your boyfriend is having the worst time at the moment doesn't mean things aren't tough for you too.

I was in a situation similar to yourself a few months ago, my boyfriends mom died. I did my best to stand by him but at the end of the day there were things that he had soured in our relationship which had nothing to do with his mom, that I couldn't get over. Someone going through a hard time in their life does not give them the excuse to treat you like sh*t. I've learnt that lesson both with boyfriends and friends in recent times. It's just not on. Saying that if you love him and you feel that he's the one stand by him. Just don't loose sight of doing what's best for you, because he certainly isn't thinking about that right now.

Best of luck with it.

LegacyUser

I know exactly what your boyfriend is going through.

I was 21 two years ago when my father was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I was with my girlfriend for 5 and a half years at the time.

I took things out on her. I would be snappy, irritable and generally not good to her.

She was very understanding and too nice to a person who didnt treat her the way she deserved.
My mother became an alcoholic and my brother attempted suicide many times. The point is people deal with things in different ways it doesnt make your boyfriend a bad person but this does not take away what is doing to you.

My girlfriend had enough and left after a while of this. I was devestated. I still think of her everyday but I am glad she is happy now. This is what she deserves as do you.

I think if you explain in no uncertain terms of what affect this is having on the relationship he may wake up and see what he is doing.
If this persists leave him as he will not change any time soon.

sorry