Boyfriend's Self-Esteem Issues

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. He's always been insecure about his weight. He's a little bit heavy but certainly not what you'd call fat. He's so insecure about it that he won't even take off his top during sex. He'll only do it if it's pitch black in the room. He won't leave me touch him near his stomach and if he's getting changed he gets me to close my eyes.

I love this guy to bits and it really upsets me that he feels so badly about his image. I find him incredibly attractive but whenever I compliment him he always brushes it away. I think he feels like I'm only doing it to make him feel good.

I wish I could help him feel better about himself. I know that, most of the time, insecurity is something that the person has to overcome by themselves but is there any way I can help him to stop feeling so insecure? I hate seeing him so embarassed about his own body. :-(

pinder

next time your in his or visa versa and hes in the shower hop in.his problem is that no matter what you say he still thinks you wont find him attractive with his top off because he thinks your just trying to spare his feelings.you need to get him in a situation where youll show him different and theres no light switch or shirt nearby.

Overheal

pinder wrote: »

next time your in his or visa versa and hes in the shower hop in.his problem is that no matter what you say he still thinks you wont find him attractive with his top off because he thinks your just trying to spare his feelings.you need to get him in a situation where youll show him different and theres no light switch or shirt nearby.

Dont get me wrong, I would eat a kitten to get snuck up on in the shower like that, but with self esteem issues involved, I cannot at all recommend that. That would really be getting the jump on him, and making him feel very exposed and uncomfortable. It has to be something that he is, ultimately, in control of when it happens.

Captain Ginger

Overheal wrote: »

Dont get me wrong, I would eat a kitten to get snuck up on in the shower like that, but with self esteem issues involved, I cannot at all recommend that. That would really be getting the jump on him, and making him feel very exposed and uncomfortable. It has to be something that he is, ultimately, in control of when it happens.

Yeah, have to agree with this.


A while ago I was a bit like the OPs OH, and if she had done that to me I would of really freaked out and been uncomfortable.

This is something he has to cop onto himself, I can't speak for everyone, but for myself I decided to just loose some weight, if he's genuinely that embarrassed and concerned about his appearance can he not work out a bit? Even if it's just a tiny bit I'm sure psychologically he's feel worlds better.


EDIT: On another note, fair play for putting up with it, it's what drove myself and my ex apart.

Cupcake_Crisis

Overheal wrote: »

Dont get me wrong, I would eat a kitten to get snuck up on in the shower like that, but with self esteem issues involved, I cannot at all recommend that. That would really be getting the jump on him, and making him feel very exposed and uncomfortable. It has to be something that he is, ultimately, in control of when it happens.

I agree. He could just find it extremely humiliating to be so vunerable infront of you with no chance of easy escape.

If it were me, id just sit him down, dead serious and tell him that you love everything about him, his wobbily bits included, and wouldnt change anything about him. You fell for him the way is now, and that hasnt changed one bit.

Obviously your very attracted to him, so just make sure he knows that.

Chucky the tree

Captain Ginger wrote: »

if he's genuinely that embarrassed and concerned about his appearance can he not work out a bit?

Whatever you do, dont suggest this.

Overheal

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Whatever you do, dont suggest this.

Damn straight. Been on the end of that before. There is no way to word it where it doesnt sound at least in part offensive and at the very best ignorant.

Which kind of leaves the OP with no suggestions as to what to do... but at least you know what not to do. Personally when a girl runs her hand on my stomach its as good as crack, so I'm at a loss. For all we really know, he could be hiding some kind of birthmark or disfigurement.

Captain Ginger

Oh sorry, I didn't mean to make it look like I was telling the OP to say that, by all means no one wants to hear that.

But I think if the OH is concerned about this to the point where he won't take his shirt off during sex then he needs to either do something about or accept himself for who he is. I just can't imagine this being healthy.

Overheal

Its not.

What about if you did a stripdance for him or something OP? Might be able to suggestively encourage some sharing-time if you get me.

Zillah

pinder wrote: »

next time your in his or visa versa and hes in the shower hop in.his problem is that no matter what you say he still thinks you wont find him attractive with his top off because he thinks your just trying to spare his feelings.you need to get him in a situation where youll show him different and theres no light switch or shirt nearby.

This is an incredibly bad idea. He'll probably just panic or get angry. Either way he won't suddenly go "Yeah ok, now I like you seeing me naked."

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your suggestions!

pinder wrote: »

next time your in his or visa versa and hes in the shower hop in.

I have suggested that we shower or have a bath together and he said he'd really love to but he'd feel so uncomfortable that he wouldn't enjoy it at all.

I know self-esteem issues are hard to get over. At the start of our relationship I wasn't feeling too good about myself either but having him to reassure me and compliment me made me feel way better about the way I look. I just wonder why my compliments don't affect him.

LegacyUser

How about going on a sun holiday! Somewhere next to a beach?
Maybe going swimming to the local pool or maybe a pampering package in a health spa. The two of you could spend the day been pampered and massaged, that way he maybe at ease and not feel the need to cover up on front of you.
This is wha my first girl did to seem me semi naked an it worked!

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

How about going on a sun holiday! Somewhere next to a beach?
Maybe going swimming to the local pool or maybe a pampering package in a health spa. The two of you could spend the day been pampered and massaged, that way he maybe at ease and not feel the need to cover up on front of you.
This is wha my first girl did to seem me semi naked an it worked!

We were on holiday last summer. It was over 30 degrees over there yet he still wouldnt take off his shirt. =S

Thanks to everyone for their advice though!

pinder

i have to disagree.what i meant by the shower idea is to show him that she finds him attractive naked.with my girlfriend i was nearly the same.when we started going out i thought she was completely out of my league ,i wasnt overweight but i wasnt toned and i thought when she saw me naked she'd be turned off,she didnt let me keep my shirt on,i dont mean she told me to take it off,she just ripped it off.at first i thought sh*t,but it didnt take long for me to forget and iv never had that problem since.i really think its the only way.once you give him the confidence once the problem should be gone.and believe me,you jumping in the shower with him will not make him feel uncormfortable.his first feelings when you do this will not be panic or anger,he'll be extremely turned on

Overheal

If anything, going to the beach I find makes me want to keep my shirt on even more. UV and all.

JustWantToHelp wrote: »

I know self-esteem issues are hard to get over. At the start of our relationship I wasn't feeling too good about myself either but having him to reassure me and compliment me made me feel way better about the way I look. I just wonder why my compliments don't affect him.

Thats a good place for you to start. Since you've been in his position before try thinking back to when you hated yourself and received compliments. I'm guessing like me and most people you found them to sound insincere.

Self confidence is something nobody can give you, yet everyone can take away.

Marksie

This really is a tricky one as any direct move could really be detrimental.

You are quite right of course that they have to make changes in and of themselves to do it.
is he making changes? or letting it be?

I was sat here thinking of how on earth would i approach this... then in rereading your post you mentioned wanting to show him and make him feel better.
i remembered then a very simple basic tantra process which i have used with partners and have shown people how to do.

Its not direct as such as he can keep his clothes on but it has worked. Though it may seem a little out there for some.

Its known as the honouring ceremony.
You sit across from him in the space (though you can adapt this to suit.. in a moment befoer or after you have made love is very good..as you will eb connected and more relaxed) cross legged is good. Then starting with the ankles you touch them and make a simple statement.
In tantra we would use " your *body part* is the vehicle of your spirit and i honour it". slowly move up and keep it slow and with eye contact and feeling, move to the next part, the calves. say the same, work up and all parts of the body including the fingers, eyes, lips everything. BUT do include the stomach and the genitals as he is your boyfriend.
End with a hug around holding your hands over his heart.

He can do the same to you.

If you aren't comfortable with mentioning spirit, think of something else more in tune with who you are (perhaps along the lines of... this is part of my lover and i honour it/them).

The aim would be for both of you to literally and figuratively demonstrate what you mean and how you think the other looks to you.

As said, he can keep his clothes on, you can express fully what you feel and after a few times it may work and he may feel more into himself.
Because you are not targetting his weight directly but the whole person, it may be a gentler approach will avoid upsetting him

yomamasflavour

Marksie wrote: »

This really is a tricky one as any direct move could really be detrimental.

You are quite right of course that they have to make changes in and of themselves to do it.
is he making changes? or letting it be?

I was sat here thinking of how on earth would i approach this... then in rereading your post you mentioned wanting to show him and make him feel better.
i remembered then a very simple basic tantra process which i have used with partners and have shown people how to do.

Its not direct as such as he can keep his clothes on but it has worked. Though it may seem a little out there for some.

Its known as the honouring ceremony.
You sit across from him in the space (though you can adapt this to suit.. in a moment befoer or after you have made love is very good..as you will eb connected and more relaxed) cross legged is good. Then starting with the ankles you touch them and make a simple statement.
In tantra we would use " your *body part* is the vehicle of your spirit and i honour it". slowly move up and keep it slow and with eye contact and feeling, move to the next part, the calves. say the same, work up and all parts of the body including the fingers, eyes, lips everything. BUT do include the stomach and the genitals as he is your boyfriend.
End with a hug around holding your hands over his heart.

He can do the same to you.

If you aren't comfortable with mentioning spirit, think of something else more in tune with who you are.

The aim would be for both of you to literally and figuratively demonstrate what you mean and how you think the other looks to you.

As said, he can keep his clothes on, you can express fully what you feel and after a few times it may work and he may feel more into himself.
Because you are not targetting his weight directly but the whole person, it may be a gentler approach will avoid upsetting him

My god man, if my girlfriend did that, woah, WOh, I'd be seriously freaked out - seriously!

I'd go with the jumpiing in the shower idea,
and this is from a guy with an insecurity issue about my flabby tummy:D.

No - seriously, he'll be really turned on by it, you don't neccessarily have to just jump him the second you get in. You could try soaping/foaming/ covering each other in suds (you get the idea) first.

Even if he is still a bit wary you could start it off - get him to wash/massage you first.

Sorry if this sounds a bit purvy to be explaining, but it works, it totally drives me wild when my girlfriend
does it.

I used to be a lil bit slow to undress when we started going out too (she's cute I'm not etc.) but she kind of just forced me to get over it, and thats one of the reasons why I'm so mad about her now:).

dlofnep

Sign up the both of you for a gym and get in shape together?

pwd

Overheal wrote: »

If anything, going to the beach I find makes me want to keep my shirt on even more. UV and all.


Thats a good place for you to start. Since you've been in his position before try thinking back to when you hated yourself and received compliments. I'm guessing like me and most people you found them to sound insincere.

Self confidence is something nobody can give you, yet everyone can take away.

I agree with this take on i quite a bit.

It's probably easier to lower his confidence than to increase it since he doesn't respond to compliments etc.

Paying attention (positive or negative) to things he's self conscious about will probably make him more self conscious of them. Don't avoid mentioning it exactly either as that kinda seems like you're paying attention to it too if you know what I mean. Reassure him about them if he looks for it otherwise just don't think about it - just don't pay too much attention to the things he's self conscious of and maybe he'll forget about them himself.