2008 sucked and now I'm reviewing everything, what should I do ?

LegacyUser

Hi all i am a registered user but because of the fact my boyfriend is looking over my shoulder and knows my username on this forum i wanted to post unregistered.

Well to start with, my year has been tough, my happy relationship(been together for almost 3 years) has been going downhill, and then lots of things happened to just add strain.I feel like this year has been out to get me and i hope next year is so different.

Firstly like i say the relationship has been going downhill for a while but before that,i got pregnant we both had planned it, then we moved in together but i think that was all me i dont think boyfriend ever wanted it, he made excuses about viewings and then criticised everywhere we looked at,we eventually found somewhere and moved in and at 4 months pregnant i lost my job i was made surplus to requirments, just after we had moved in together. i know they did it because they found out i was pregnant.then bills started to pile up, boyfriend quit his job and refused to go back to any job.i was furious because we had a baby on the way and if we wanted a better life then we both needed to work on it.
when i was 8 months pregnant, i lost my baby at 35 weeks.all my dreams and future plans and hopes just disappeared.I dont want to go into that too much it is a different issue. after all this i feel like just re-evaluating everything in my life.Including my boyfriend mainly our relationship.

He decided that at this stage of his life and our lives that he is not working for anyone anymore, he wants a business of his own and is working on it.While we are struggling and almost broke, he is trying to set up business.thats ok but cant he get a job until business starts booming?

He never talks to me anymore, we live together and im still lonely.We dont communicate properly, i feel shut out.Even though we have a home together, and have been together 3 years i feel constantly shut out.We dont go out together, he goes out with his friends though.I usually stay at home.He is very affectionate and says he loves me. But anyone can say it i need to see it.His actions are very selfish like a single guy.He never makes plans with me, if i try he just says he needs to work.we never go anywhere anymore and he was never the romantic sort.Once i went to his office and said we should do something together, he said he was tied up for the whole day, but about an hour after his sister calls and he packed work in for the day to spend time with her and her family?????? why could he not do that to spend an hour with me nevermind the whole day?? His mother is also constantly interfering.but he lets her.Im not his partner she is, and his family and im so tired of them all ruling our lives.but again he lets them.I try to tell him i feel like i am not important to him and that i am just an extension of his life and not a partner, he says i am being stupid.

His family interfere in Simple things like when we were moving, if we both liked a place and his mum didnt, if it was too far away for her meddling, he would go off it just like that.Sometimes i suggest at the weekend that we can go do something.and he says ah no, i have to do this at 4pm and then i planned this with friend x, so i cant.But if someone in his family called then he would drop everything and go. Im left on my own and he is spending his free time away from me.Again, i feel like why is he with me, i have suggested breaking up and he just gets very upset and says he does not want that and that he will try.but he forgets all that the next day.So i think he is the way he is, i cant change him, maybe he has always been like that.So do i just put up and shut up.

We have sat down and tried to talk things through, but i sit down with him and try to work it out and he just gets up and walks away if the conversation is not going his way.He will talk his way out of anything and blame everyone and everthing else rather than admit he might have a flaw.He is a talented salesman:( I know i have plenty of flaws,my confidence is slipping away, i feel like im a nagging girlfriend and im not.i just want things to be the way they used to be.After we try to talk , and he leaves, im left reeling with my head full of everything and he will come back a half hour later and chat as if nothing happened, he is stubborn and hates to argue or apologise.But if one little arguement gets issues out in the open and resolved then why not ?? Am i fighting a losing battle with someone who does not want to fight for our relationship? he is so happy to plod along and see where life takes him, it annoys me that he cant tell me his future plans and im afraid thats because i am not in them unless i want to plod along with him...i need a plan, a goal to work towards and a reason to get up in the morning.

When is that stage in a relationship where i am meant just know that its over now, and walk away without regrets?? I think i have missed it.

I love him, and dont believe in ending a relationship because of fickle reasons, i want a future with him and he knows this.If anyone asks why i am still with him, i love him and i have invested time and energy and commitment to get us this far.

I would rather some solution rather than merely ending it.

Any advice will be helpful

Overheal

He's looking over your shoulder; but you dont communicate. You post anonymously but surely if he read your post you would be transparent. I'm a little confused by that. Honestly, I would show him the post; you should really be able to work things out. I hope it goes well.

Cryos

Hey Op,

Firstly i am sorry about your loss, which is never easy at that stage.

It does sound like a situation fermilure to me, something im not proud of and have learned the hard way. What i would say to you tho is that after 3 years you either know or you dont know... I think sitting down with him and having a chat about it (i know you say he wont chat with you) and if he just walks away from it.... well im sorry to say then he just isnt worth it.

Someone told me once that when life hands you crap, you gotta step back and look at your priorities and things that make you happy. At this point if he isnt on that list then you gotta do what you gotta do, but if he is willing to sit down and talk about it then its all the better... Give it a good crack of the whip and if it dosnt materialize then its a wave goodbye..


I wish you all the best for 2009 tho! And, if your feelin lonely checkout when the next Boards.ie meetup is on !!!

LegacyUser

Thank you Cryos,

Why is it familiar to you ? have you been in my situation before and got out of it?

I am the relationship type, all or nothing.I have not made a connection like we used to have before now, and i really cant see me having another relationship.

He calls himself an idealist, that to me means he expects lots out of life but is not seeing that it takes work to get to a great place you imagine in life...i think he expects to just wake up one day in the perfect life he imagines....are all idealist men like that or am i being unfair?

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

He's looking over your shoulder; but you dont communicate. You post anonymously but surely if he read your post you would be transparent. I'm a little confused by that. Honestly, I would show him the post; you should really be able to work things out. I hope it goes well.

(OP posting reply)Yes he comes in every once in a while from ignoring me to make sure i haven't left him or something, or to see if i have cooled off.He says something random like "what are you doing?"Sometimes he is just hungry and he doesn't cook.No that to me is not communicating.I can have quick polite chit chat with a stranger that i have just met in a shopping centre, communication in a relationship should be different especially if we just tried to talk about something and nothing came out of it.

He would only look under my username, after that if he found nothing i know he is too lazy to search through every new post just to find one that he recognises.

He has heard everything in the post more than once, and im still frustrated about nothing happening when i try to speak to him.

So i don't know what to do anymore ?

grizzly

He sounds like an ass. Why are you with him?

Overheal

Sounds like he got the Irish Mammy treatment: constantly praised and practically breastfed. The kind of person that wants a woman for a hump and a meal, not as friend and lover.

I think you would find it impossible to change him. I wouldn't have too many fears about leaving someone like that.

LegacyUser

As i said in my post Grizzly

Unregistered wrote: »

I love him, and dont believe in ending a relationship because of fickle reasons, i want a future with him and he knows this.If anyone asks why i am still with him, i love him and i have invested time and energy and commitment to get us this far.

I would rather some solution rather than merely ending it.

LegacyUser

Overheal i am finding it impossible!!!

But [laughs] i think you hit the bloody nail on the head, nobody frustrates me more than his mother. She is so interfering it's not funny.Now she has a heart of gold, but she makes excuses for everything he does.Everything. She is definitely the irish mammy and he is her golden child.She never bloody calls before she visits for a rant, she just knocks on the front door, comes in sometimes cleans, berates our house criticises both of us. and he listens and shrugs it off, i have started to avoid her, i cant listen to her bull anymore, i leave the room when she calls.He just says im rude, but i call it trying to keep my sanity and temper in check.If i stayed in the room i would probably start an arguement.

Cryos

Unregistered wrote: »

Thank you Cryos,

Why is it familiar to you ? have you been in my situation before and got out of it?

I am the relationship type, all or nothing.I have not made a connection like we used to have before now, and i really cant see me having another relationship.

He calls himself an idealist, that to me means he expects lots out of life but is not seeing that it takes work to get to a great place you imagine in life...i think he expects to just wake up one day in the perfect life he imagines....are all idealist men like that or am i being unfair?

Yep it kind of is, altho there was distance involved in my version of events and i was given many chances.. I think your situation is slightly more complex than mine was, theres the likes of a house and alot of history involved. The underlying issue is communication and respect for the other person, i know how easy it is to become too complacent with someone untill its just simply too late.

It is difficult in the sence that us men dont always express ourselfs correctly or to a point where the other person knows with utmost certainty, he obviously means alot to you or else you might not of hesitated to get some advice from the community. What you say is that there has been good times, like in every relationship there have been your intemate moments where you just knew and those moments where youve embraced eachother and had the fuzzy warm glow feeling in your chest.

I suppose a few questions are in order, when you confront him about it and he dosnt really want to deal with it or talk about it does he pass any comment or attempt to make any commitments to you ?

Either way just to talk to him one last time, if things dont change in a resonable timeframe then pack your bags and leave him; It will take a while to get over and it wont be easy.. but you will be a stronger person from it and while your wont achive short term happyness you will get a weight off your shoulder.

Have you asked him if everything is OK with him ? Is everything ok in his work, family and social life ?

barbiegirl

You know that cheesy song "sometimes love just isn't enough", well this sounds like one of those times. In my mid twenties, after 2.5 years, with a man I loved, I made the decision that we didn't want the same things, and that despite the fact there was nothing bad in him, we were better apart. In fact first I thought you were talking about my ex. I had had a very unhappy 2002 with him, and I swore 2003 would be better.
Now I'm married to a guy I absolutely love and adore, who talks to me, discusses decisions and life plans, treats me as an equal, does things with me. Puts me first.
Look long and hard at this relationship. Will he change? Can he change? Can you live with him if he doesn't? Believe me you can live and prosper without him. This is a looking deep inside you decision and from there being strong and making your decision. But my gut on this one is it's time to go.:(

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I love him, and dont believe in ending a relationship because of fickle reasons, i want a future with him and he knows this.If anyone asks why i am still with him, i love him and i have invested time and energy and commitment to get us this far.

I would rather some solution rather than merely ending it.

I can't see why you'd want a future with someone who you can't communicate with.

As you say, you can't change him. He makes no time for you, doesn't go out with you, listens to his mother more than you, goes out with other people, doesn't listen to you.

Then he says he doesn't want to break up with you - I reckon he's scared of breaking up. He's in a comfortable situation and has a gf. Maybe he is scared what would happen if you split and he'd have to find a new girl.

I lived with a girl for 2 years.... after the first year I realised we just weren't suited. We shared a place together and it was hell for me and hell for her. I though didn't have the balls to break up when we should have. I waited a good while. I was scared.

Every so often, even though I felt we just weren't going to work, we'd have a half decent time and we;d use "I love you" as a way to paper over the structural cracks.

Why not move out but continue to see each other? It gives him and you space, you can create your own separate life while continuing to be part of his. It puts it to him that he has to change and make an effort and treat you like a partner rather than a person who he deals with when he is at home.

Sounds like you are more in love with the idea of being with him and can't see the wood cos those trees are in the way.

After reading your post it is hard not to say "just end it".

Love is about many things: mutual respect, fun, communication, getting along, working together, commitment, mutual attraction.... . sounds like there is none of that in your relationship.

LegacyUser

Cryos wrote: »

I suppose a few questions are in order, when you confront him about it and he dosnt really want to deal with it or talk about it does he pass any comment or attempt to make any commitments to you ?

Have you asked him if everything is OK with him ? Is everything ok in his work, family and social life ?

He tells me that he just needs time and that his only immediate future plans revolve around getting his business off the ground, he cant think of anything else right now.

I know everything is not ok with him as with me, thats why im so confused.Is what im feeling a side effect of grief? am i in one of the 12 stages of something?

I did plan to have children with this man, and we were so close.When we lost our baby all of the future hopes and dreams were stolen out from under us, like someone saying "ha ha !"

When we planned that things were so different between us and i never envisaged things turning around so much.

he thinks i blame him, I lost my baby a week and a few days after he quit his job.It was so stressful.I had taken a job doing nightshifts and childcare i was working day and night for our future, and without consulting me he packed everything in, got fed up and quit his job.His response to me being angry about it was that he was tired of working for someone elses gain and was not going to get other work but was going to put his efforts into working for himself.

I just thought what kind of a selfish b*****d have i lumbered myself with.To me when you make the decision to have a family, you must work hard and follow through, provide no matter what and sacrifice if needs be.He made me feel like i was on my own and i felt like his mammy, and that he expected me on top of everything else i was handling, to pick him up give him a cuddle and say there there...He really let me down.

I am sure if a thread was posted about stinky, horrible, worst jobs ever...then there would be a million replies.Everyone has jobs they hate at some stage, but i could never understand fully why he chose that time to pack it in, when i needed his support most i never got it, he needed something AGAIN!

LegacyUser

barbiegirl wrote: »

You know that cheesy song "sometimes love just isn't enough", well this sounds like one of those times. In my mid twenties, after 2.5 years, with a man I loved, I made the decision that we didn't want the same things, and that despite the fact there was nothing bad in him, we were better apart. In fact first I thought you were talking about my ex. I had had a very unhappy 2002 with him, and I swore 2003 would be better.
Now I'm married to a guy I absolutely love and adore, who talks to me, discusses decisions and life plans, treats me as an equal, does things with me. Puts me first.
Look long and hard at this relationship. Will he change? Can he change? Can you live with him if he doesn't? Believe me you can live and prosper without him. This is a looking deep inside you decision and from there being strong and making your decision. But my gut on this one is it's time to go.:(

Hi Barbiegirl, what are this guys initials? maybe i do know him.Thanks for taking the time to post.

Anyway on reading your post,it is familiar to me. Everything is a push lately, only one person is trying.Things that should be so easy are really tough, i don't seem to have energy for it anymore.Silly things like me asking for us to spend time together " can we go on holidays next year just the two of us after the year we have put down?" reply No, i cant take a holiday while i have so much work " can we go for a drive somewhere this weekend ?" no, don't have time this weekend " have breakfast with me , sit down and relax" dont have time...

He gets up eats (food i cook him, may i add take the time to cook him)and goes, half the time i dont even know where he is.I worry alot about losing people close to me, as i never experienced loss/death before in my close circle.Now im constantly worried about whether he is driving to fast after we have an arguement sometimes he drives off.i spend the whole time he is gone stressed and worried that guards will knock on my door and give me bad news.He is making me a nervous wreck, he is not the person i fell in love with and i would like that person back.I just have no clue how to do it.

LegacyUser

barbiegirl wrote: »

love and adore, who talks to me, discusses decisions and life plans, treats me as an equal, does things with me. Puts me first.

Look long and hard at this relationship. Will he change? Can he change? Can you live with him if he doesn't?

In my first reply i meant to answer your questions but got a little bit sidetracked, sorry.

Will he change? Possibly no, because he see's no problem or rather he ignores it and hopes it will just go away, so no he cant change if he cant see what he is doing wrong.

Can he change? No he does not want to.

Can you live with him if he doesn't? No, i can't put up with another month of this never mind years of it...

I am the opposite to you at the moment, all the things you have with your partner, thats all i want, my bf does not see these things as problems in a relationship if they are not there.Simple pleasing things like talking to me, discussing decisions and life plans, treating me as an equal, doing things with me, Putting me first. but in my case i would settle for him just putting our relationship first on his list of priorities.

It should not be such a struggle to have those things ina relationship , and i seem to be the only one who knows they are missing.

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi Barbiegirl, what are this guys initials? maybe i do know him.Thanks for taking the time to post.

I don't think such speculation is appropriate.

Peewee_lane

Hiya OP,

Just was reading all the replies, its all a bit much.

Look, if he is pissing off all the time setting up the business so that you and him can have a better life together, then yeah, I would kind of understand. Maybe hes trying to find a way for things ot be better, but isnt able to concentrate on maintaining the present because hes so stressed.

If hes selfish, then please have a good long bloody think about spending anymore time with this guy. You should have seen my face when I read that he quit his job and then you lost the baby.

Give it till after Christmas. Stop making his breakfast, make him stand on his own two feet. Make YOU breakfast.

I read what you said in your original post about loving him, but I know a good few girls who are with men, particularly one, who is with a selfish alcholic who never intends on getting another job but instead is down the pub with guys going no-where trying to think up businesses and bull**** people into going into business with him. Its like shes brainwashed. She works full time and he doesnt, and she still looks after feeding him? I cant believe how silly she is, and dont tell me its love. Is it love that he treats you like that? Love cant be one-sided...

Look, if you think hes going to fight for it, please make a go of it. Maybe give some friends a call, get a proper chin wag going. I remember posting here about 2 years ago when I was in a terrible long term relationship, I left him after the people here gave me the confidence to leave him. Im now doing grand, although at the time it was painful.

You move on, meet new people. Its life, so dont worry, do whats best for you!