Boyfriend says horrible things while drunk

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and i have been together for nearly 2 years.

I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend, he's loving and attentive and very very good to me.

The problem however is that recently when he's been out with his guy friends he'll send me messages all night saying he misses me but when he comes home he'll say horrible things to me.

for example it mainly focuses around whether women find him attractive and that i don't trust him.
once a few weeks ago he said that if we were apart for 3 or 4 months he would find it difficult to stay faithful to me.
He's obviously completely out of it as sometimes hes not even aware who exactly I am. one night he thought i was his sister.

I wouldn't have a problem with this if we could have a conversation about the issues and try to work through them. but the next morning he says he doesn't remember saying those things and completly denies that he feels that way.

any advice?

In$omniac

I reckon he is more than just drunk if he has thought you were his sister!!
If it is becoming a problem, then he needs to stop drinking or if he is taking anything to stop that too.
Mental Abuse will stay with you forever.

daisybelle2008

His drinking is a problem if he is having blackouts and arguments that are affecting his personal relationships. It is going to take its toll on your relationship unless it is tackled.
The fact that he does not remember saying these things should not be a get out clause for not discussing things.

MizzLolly

Oooh poor thing. You're not in a nice situation at all. I hate telling people to call it a day with their partner but I really don't think this will have a happy ending.

Your boyfriend sounds so insecure and your story stood out to me because I was in a similar situation in my last relationship. Are you sure that it is just alcohol that is the problem? My ex behaved the same way but it turned out it was more than just drinking that influenced his moods. Similarily, he'd come back completely messed up and say horrible things. In fact, it became quite frequent that sometimes I'd get nasty text messages and I wouldn't even know if he was under the influence of anything or if he was just in a mood.

Anyway, his comments ranged from telling me that it's impossible to stay faithful to me, to telling me I'm not what he expected me to be, I'm a disappointment, I'm no better than any of the skanger girls he cheated on me with, after cheating on me he said I got everything I deserved etc.. Some really nasty stuff.

Even though you know yourself that it's his own issue it does leave an impression on you. I remember my friends buying me a lovely dress for my birthday. When I unwrapped it he laughed at it and grunted, ''you're not gona wear that, are you''. He made it clear that he thought I'd look stupid in it. I never wore the dress.

Unless you can sit down and discuss this stuff with him it's not gona improve. If he really can't remember what he says to you when he's drunk, could he try to cut down on the amount he drinks? I don't know the situation between yourself and your boyfriend so judge how to react yourself but do be prepared. When I suggested my bf cut down what he was doing, he freaked out altogether and said he's choose that over me anyday.

I let it go on for far too long to be honest and some of the things he said to me were so hurtful. It's only recently I've began to stop caring about it all. Unless he's willing to fix this and he cares enough about you to make the effort I'd consider breaking it off.

If there really is no way of improving it then leave and protect yourself from being hurt by his nasty comments. Because they do catch up on you eventually.


I hope it will work out well for you.

Good luck

cantdecide

Women, FFS, talk to your men- we are pragmatic creatures and you tell him plump and plain that he makes you feel bad when he's drunk, he will probably ammend his behaviour. If he doesn't, it's shame on him. If you're just grazing the subject, you won't get a result.

Cryos

Op, thing i would say to you is talk to him about it, drinking can bring out even the smallest insecurities and blow them out of preportion.

Talk to him, let him know your issues with what he says and maybe just reassure him your feelings for him.

From the sounds of it he is a bit like me (i dont say the stuff he says while im drunk i just say stupid ****) constantly thinking about you and missing you, its a sign that he is afraid to either loose you or that he perhaps thinks that he might not be good enough for you.

As i say talk to him, you might learn something about eachother...

Best of Luck

wolfpawnat

Tape him, and the next day if he doesnt apologize for it when he hears what he's like and promise to calm it down, (because it takes alot to get that drunk!) then tell him to shove it.

Believe me, words can crush your soul faster than a smack of a hand. I was told I wasnt pretty enough to stay faithful to and that I was retarded and not good enough and believe me, it takes ages to look in the mirror and be happy with the girl that looks back again after that kind of crap. I took too long to get rid of the a**wipe, and now if a man said that to me now he'd be told where to shove it! only because I am not letting my self esteem being crushed like that again!

Nevyn

I would suggest that you suggest he go to AA meetings and that you look at attending al anon. You can't make him stop drinking, you can look after yourself and protect yourself form him when he does.

Gyalist

You know, it would be really nice if occasionally there's a post here from a woman who says "I refuse to put up with any disrespect from any man." There's no reason for this man, or any other man for that matter, to change his behaviour if you do not draw clear boundaries as to what you're prepared to tolerate.

I don't know if it's low self-esteem, fear of being single, or whatever, but it astounds me at what women are prepared to excuse just to be in a relationship.

It seems that this guy's issues surface when alcohol removes his inhibitions. OP, why do you feel that his issues are yours to fix? Especially when he doesn't seem to think that he has a problem. It's time to think of your own emotional well-being and if that means ending the relationship, so be it.

Silverfish

Gyalist wrote: »

You know, it would be really nice if occasionally there's a post here from a woman who says "I refuse to put up with any disrespect from any man." There's no reason for this man, or any other man for that matter, to change his behaviour if you do not draw clear boundaries as to what you're prepared to tolerate.

I don't know if it's low self-esteem, fear of being single, or whatever, but it astounds me at what women are prepared to excuse just to be in a relationship.

.

Maybe the ones who can walk away don't feel the need to post as it is not an issue for them any more.

Don't generalise.

smk135

OP - I was with a guy like that once. literally everything you said your bf says he had said to me, plus more.

We're no longer together but he's now in the AA because evidently he had a serious problem.

Good luck.