My Song

ciano14

C&C please

this is the first song i wrote
and i only started writing yesterday so tell me what you think thanks

"This Love"- Copyright 2008 Cian Butler

My voice is shattered
my life is battered
but the love never did exist
you;d do it each and everyday
tell me everything i'll say
but the pictures never happend
..the love never happend like this

but you ****ed it up
theres nothing you can do or say
nothing you can do or say , yeah
it will only be hard to look on back
yeah, you'll find it hard


and who were you to say?
its not like i told you everyday
this love cant happen
you need to move on now girl


now 2 years down the road
no one could have told
..this love happened
the love happend like this

i saw you each and everyday
we both had so much to say
this love will work
..
but then something changed
you started giving me the blame
you left me shattered
my life is battered
im not singin anymore now, girl

but i ****ed it up now
theres nothing i can do or say
nothing i can do or say yeah
it will be hard to look on back
yeah,ill find it hard

its not the best but lets see what you think

cHaTbOx

ciano14 wrote: »

[My voice is shattered
my life is battered
but this love never did exist] <

---

is there a pause here,seem separate to rest of song and should it not be "this" going with song title
(you'd do it each and everyday
tell me everything I'd say
but the pictures never happend<

---

doesnt' got with rest of verse
..this love never happend)<

---

may be nicer way to round it off

[but you ****ed it up
theres nothing you can do or say
nothing you can do or say , yeah
it will only be hard to look on back
yeah, you'll find it hard] <

---

the italic seems a faster pace than the
rest of it ,and too many "yeah" imo

and who were you to say?
its not like i told you everyday
this love cant happen
you need to move on now girl

now 2 years down the road
no one could have told
..this love happened
the love happend like this

i saw you each and everyday
we both had so much to say
this love will work
..
but then something changed
you started giving me the blame
you left me shattered
my life is battered
im not singin anymore now, girl

but i ****ed it up now
theres nothing i can do or say
nothing i can do or say yeah
it will be hard to look on back
yeah,ill find it hard

its not the best but lets see what you think

and the rest of it I got lost in end of line rhyming and I didn't think the story was clear.
she was wrong but then it switched and I couldn't see how .
Keep it up mate.
Might be talking BS but thats is my opinion .
I find the thing about song writing is when you read others you see where alot of mistakes come from and learn ,keep it up .
It's alll about making something a little bit special

ciano14

hey man
thanks for the criticism (never thought I'd say that) :P

you were right about "the love " was meant to be this love
and there was meant to be a pause there
also the way its sung is slow and speeds up ..starting at "you'd tell me each and everyday ..."
and slow again its hard to explain

other than that i agree with you ...about the yeahs ect.

thanks for your opinion

i guess it depends what point of view you look at it and everything

cheers
cian

cHaTbOx

ciano14 wrote: »

hey man
thanks for the criticism (never thought I'd say that) :P

Yeah I thought that the first time I said