Problem with socialising - Coming out of depression

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm only starting to come out of depression in the last few weeks/months after not being able to socialize for the last few years.

It's been interesting times as I seem to have to learn everything again. I've forgotten all these little things and am picking them up again thank god.

Last night I went out and it was the first fun night I had in a very long time but it also had it's problems.

I'm alright drinking with my own crowd (group of 4). These are lads I live with - my new friends who I moved into a house last year. If I hadn't moved in with them I would have never got better.

We were in the house drinking last night anyway. Just the four of us. I was sitting back and not trying to force myself to be in a certain mood or anything and at times I was really into it and at other times I wasn't - I think this was normal though as my interest swayed to do with the topics of discussion. I was having fun and everything was free flowing. Then we met up with a few other people and everyone was mingling with them. This is when the problems started happening.

I'm rubbish at talking to people I don't know and developing relationships in this way. I can't remember if I was ever good at this before I was depressed but I suspect not. The relationship with the 4 lads I am living with started because one is a relative and we have a good few things in common I suppose and then got to know the other lads. My relationship with the other lads blossomed from just pure messing and having the craic and pulling the p*ss out of each other.

So these people we met after the house required different things to develop relationships or have conversation as because of the situation - (ie. meeting them out in the pub). I didn't really connect and break the ice properly with anyone but 1 (an aquaintance from school I knew well). Now I really really do want to get past this because I want to know more people and build my confidence. Perhaps I'm just not interested in these new people but I don't know where this lack of interest comes from because there is a certain part of me which is very interested. Maybe I have trouble establishing things in common but my head still isn't right and my opinions on things are all rooted in doubt due to my head being cloudy and not being able to see things clearly alot of the time. (this is probably the answer to my thread actually but I would be interested in hearing other advice anyway)

Now my personality is screaming to be confident and to be able to discuss things in an intelligent and understanding way. I really think about things after a conversation to validate them and see if I can improve them or anything. I hate talking sh*te. To enjoy yourself on a night out I think requires you to have a free flowing sort of buzz - I tried this last night and it just made me say things that were not really me or I wouldn't really have thought through so for example I could say one thing and then the next day I could say what I really feel and it's two completely different things. The perception from the other person being god only knows. I deeply desire to have a consistent personality.

~nop~

Well first of all well done to you for starting to make the effort again! Depression is awful but it's all up from there so congrats!

Secondly about the socialising thing, there is no question here but that practice makes perfect. Some people make it look so easy to make small talk but it's an art that you build up by talking to more and more people. Don't worry too much about your consistancy as once you relax your personality will start to show naturally. And until then just keep at it!

Nevyn

Just because you don't find a certain selection of people intresting and can't find interesting conversations to have with them does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Seriously I hate being out and being stuck in boring conversations about stuff that I have no intrest in what so ever and will avoid it like the plauge.

I dont' see the point in carrying on with the conversations and saying things which are not what I think on the matter. Why torture your self ? Why not steer the conversations to other things or move on to a different converstaion with other people.

Overheal

~nop~ wrote: »

Well first of all well done to you for starting to make the effort again! Depression is awful but it's all up from there so congrats!

I've learned to anticipate the next big slump to be honest. It generally prevents me from getting bi-polar from one season to the next. When its good its good.

As for boring conversations Thaedydal hits an important point. If you want to enjoy yourself you need to be able to interact in the conversation, not just spectate. Taking control for every once in a while helps to keep it flowing in a direction comfortable to you.

With new people, I generally like talking about opinion related issues, and keep away from "That one time and that one place? Yeah. That was cool." - aiming more for "So this one time etc etc (keep it short) anyway I think thats just wrong but she didn't have a problem with it whatsoever. You know?" And then you end up with some nice opinion related conversation, chosen by you. Be as controversial as you like, but try to stay away from Religion and Politics (and in most cases Political Correctness Issues)

Nevyn

Overheal wrote: »

Be as controversial as you like, but try to stay away from Religion and Politics (and in most cases Political Correctness Issues)

Pfff where is the fun in that

Overheal

Well if you want to go that way one of my favorite openers in a group conversation is talking about firearms. For instance, I'm no fan of gun related violence but when I used the .357 Desert Eagle at the gun range, it was magical. I dont think theres anyone who doesnt have an opinion on guns.

And no thats not an invitation to derail this thread with guntalk, people

Nevyn

"Happiness is a warm gun..."

deptosocialite getting out of your routine and normal socail circles can be very hard after a term of depression esp when it's one where you don't want to talk to anyone at all.

It can help to get out with people you don't know that well and dont' see that often to push your boundaries and to be able to be socail in a way that is different to what is epxected of you by people that you see all the time.

[Jackass]

OP you sound like you're doing well.

I think the hardest part about feeling uncomfortable is that you feel like you have to contribute heavily in the conversation or people will judge you or think you're weird or something.

The thing about confidence is that you can sit there and if a conversation isn't relavant to you, you can happily sit there and listen and not contribute unless you genuinely have something you want to say...and feel perfectly comfortable while doing it.

I can find it very difficult around people I don't know in pub / social scenarios sometimes if they are very "in your face" or loud or if there is already a lot of clickiness going on around me. I think that's normal, but don't over analyise the situation and be comfortable enough to sit back and enjoy yourself, and if conversations spring up naturally or if the mood is light enough that you can laugh at jokes and chip in your own little comments then so be it, but don;t worry about what other people think. After all, no one is out to get you, you're all just there to have a laugh.

LegacyUser

deptosocialite wrote: »

Hi,

I'm rubbish at talking to people I don't know and developing relationships in this way.

I hate talking sh*te. To enjoy yourself on a night out I think requires you to have a free flowing sort of buzz - I tried this last night and it just made me say things that were not really me or I wouldn't really have thought through so for example I could say one thing and then the next day I could say what I really feel and it's two completely different things. The perception from the other person being god only knows. I deeply desire to have a consistent personality.

(a) Lots of people are rubbish at talking to people they don't know.

(b) It's good that you are deciding on what type of person you are and that you are working out your opinions on things - you'll become in some way consistent at some stage. Again, lots of people are wishy washy and/or have no firm opinions on many things.

(c) You are allowed to change your mind on things "X is great - I love it". "Actually, now that I think about it a bit more, I'm not to keen on X. I want to try Y".

(d) "I hate talking ****e" . I have two friends (people I hang out with) and I have never had a meaningful conversation with either of them. They are pretty boring and I end up not being myself around them. I have known them for 7 years. They are friends of friends really and there is never a "free flowing sort of buzz " withthem. I always thought it was me. It's not. you will click with some people, you won't with others.

If you can realise this when it happens, you'll get on better. Some people you'll have rapport with - with others it won't happen, ever.

I have recently joined a club. Most of them are very friendly. There are a few who I have made an effort with, haven't quite had the same response back and have decided "there's no point in pushing it - I am not desperate for them to like me". I am courteous and friendly but not to the point of appearing needy of them liking me.

Sounds like you are doing very well.

Also, you sound a bit like me: when there are more than about 4 people in the group, I find it more difficult to be myself. I prefer one on one chats and smaller groups. Whatever works best for you!