Son not husbands

LegacyUser

Hi

My problem is that I never told my son that my husband is not his father. He is now 14 years old and I had only a one night stand with his biological father when I got pregnant even though we were friends at the time. When he found out I was pregnant we had no more contact but I do know where he lives etc. and I bumped into him recently in a supermarket with my son. How should I handle the situation? My husband loves my son very much and has been his father from the age of two and does not want to tell him about his biological father but i am not so sure. We have no other children and I am worried that telling my son will not only upset him but also tear my husband and I apart. Any advice?

Antilles

Your son has an absolute right to know who his biological father is, OP. If the information is available, everybody has a right to know who their parents are. If your husband is concerned about losing his relationship with your son, explain to him that there is a huge difference between a "father" and a "dad". It definitely sounds like your son is lucky enough to have a good dad. The only question here though is whether your son is ready to be told.

If you feel he is, then tell him now. If not, wait until he has matured a bit, but tell him as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the worse the impact will be.

Balmed Out

dont think id actually want to know. The biological father never tried to take up the role so why would your son want omeone like that in his life and it would be very unfair on the man who raised him.

keefg

OP, I also think you should tell your son asap. The longer you leave it the harder it will be for you. Especially as you are in a situation where you can bump into the childs father at any time.

I know someone who was in the same situation (husband is not son's bio dad) and she didn't tell her son while everyone in her family knew. The son is now in his 30's and found out the truth from someone else and the fall out was very bitter.

He still considers his mums husband as "dad" but is sickened by the fact that everyone knew about it since he was a toddler but his mother never told him. His relationship with his mother is now sour and will probably never be the same.

Can you imagine how bad it will be if your childs father makes contact with your son directly and tells him the truth?


I was raised from a young age by a step-father but my mother told me when I was young that he wasn't my "real" father and I never had an issue with it because he was always dad to me.

Julesie

It's certainly a tricky situation but I'm inclined to agree with KeefG.

You say your husband only assumed the role of being the child's father when your son was 2. That probably means there are a lot of people that know your husband is not your son's father, thereby increasing the chances of your son finding out through some means you may not have even considered.

It is most definitely better for him to hear this news from you. Whatever emotions this news may cause they would only be exacerbated if he was to find out from a 3rd party and think that you never had any intention of telling him.

Monkey61

I know that your son obviously deserves to know the truth, but....

where has this biological father been for your son's whole life? Did he not want to know his child? If that's the case, that could be very damaging for your son to find out at the age of fourteen. What if your son wants to meet him now, as I'm sure he would, will this man suddenly want to know him?

If there was any danger of your son finding out from someone else, I would say tell him. But otherwise, I'd be inclined to leave it til he is a bit older. Being fourteen is hard enough without a shock like this added in to the mix.

spurious

Monkey61 wrote: »

If there was any danger of your son finding out from someone else, I would say tell him.

These things ALWAYS come out. It's much more damaging for a child to find something out from a non-relative than from within their own family. Tell him.

keefg

Monkey61 wrote: »

If there was any danger of your son finding out from someone else, I would say tell him. But otherwise, I'd be inclined to leave it til he is a bit older. Being fourteen is hard enough without a shock like this added in to the mix.

I would normally agree with you here ...."What he doesn't know wont hurt him" and all that but the OP has stated that she bumped into the childs father at a local supermarket so there is a high risk of the child finding out from someone else (I am assuming) the father lives nearby.

Another thing to consider, lets say the son's real dad has another family of his own by now and a daughter around the same age as the son in question......and they start seeing each other unaware that they are brother and sister. Although not an everyday occurance it certainly isn't unheard of.

Not a good situation at all.

Elessar

For the love of god, tell him. You have no right to withhold the information from him, and it is 100% gauranteed to come out at some stage. Your son will know and then he will grow bitter and resentful of you for not telling him.

Your husband is only saying this to you because he is fearful of loosing his relationship with the boy.

More than likely this just will not happen. There will be a tumultuous period when your son is told and he may go through a whole range of emotions but it will not last forever. It is highly likely things will return to almost normal in his relationship with your husband because your son will know the difference between his biological "father" and his "dad" (the one who raised him). Your son will know eventually so your husband will have to deal with the situation one way or another.

Expect the situation to be highly strung and emotional for the first while. But you absolutely must tell him - if you do not he WILL eventually find out and your own relationship with your son will be damaged. I understand your caution but if you love him tell him. Put yourself in his shoes.

MysticalSoul

Your son has a right to know. Yes, he may be angry with you for not telling the truth sooner. Does your son know that your husband isn't his biological dad, considering he was 2 before he became his dad? Does his biological dad know you became pregnant?

Also, even medical history wise, it is good for your son to know of any ailments that run in the family too.

marti101

I was in your sons shoes and somebody else told me.Tell him before somebody else does and your husband should put your sons interests before his own.You have to tell him now no more waiting.But be prepared for some troubling time your son will blame you but thats normal and to be expected.Just let him have his rants and raves and im sure you will be fine.But it is his right to know his biological father especially because of medical history and such.Good luck.

Antilles

OP, in response to those saying "what he doesn't know can't hurt him" - this is absolute rot. A person's family history is often vital in diagnosing medical conditions, and if your son unknowingly gives false information to a doctor, it could very well endanger his life at some critical time in the future.

As I said above, you know him better than anyone and can judge if he is mature enough to find out at 14, but you MUST tell your son about his biological father.

deisemum

Your son has the right to know who his biological father is and his right to know outweighs your husband's wish to keep it quiet.

This will get out eventually and I think it's better to be proactive in how you deal with it rather than having to react to the whole thing blowing up if someone else let's it out of the bag.

biko

Is there a reason you need to tell him now? Would it be better to wait until he is 18?

star-pants

I understand all the posters saying 'He's a right to know, tell him now' type thing.
But - I'm just curious, you say you bumped into his biological father, does your son know him? Does his father want to be involved? Because you don't want to tell your son 'hey Mr X is your real father' and then Mr X wanting nothing to do with him, thus hurting him more. (I know this might happen any time, but he is only 14, is he mature enough do you think to handle such a situation?)

I know these things come out eventually, but after 14 years noone's slipped up as such, if he's not ready now, another 2 or more years shouldn't be too hard. He does have a right to know of course he does, but only when he's ready - it's life changing information, he may be rather angry, may not trust you or your husband for a while. You have to be prepared to deal with all of this too. I'm no expert but maybe if you spoke to a counsellor about the situation, asked their opinion, because things will have to be done very carefully.

metrovelvet

Yes he does have a right to know, but I don't think you should drop this bomb shell until all supports are in place, including your husbands and his bio dad's. What if he wants to start seeing bio-dad and bio dad rejects him and legal dad is in a huff? Bad bad bad news...

Identity crisis in the making. You need to get EVERYONE on board for this first, including bio dad.

marti101

biko wrote: »

Is there a reason you need to tell him now? Would it be better to wait until he is 18?

No he nedds to know now its better to come from his mam then some stranger who is being spiteful

LegacyUser

He does not know his biological dad, we live about 20 miles from where he lives. His biological dad did know that I was pregnant but didnt help in any way. I dont know how to approach him now or what to say. At least he is not married so there are no other children or wife involved. With my own husband I dont know what to say either. When I try to talk to him about it he behaves as if Im picking the bio dad over him.

FizzyBubbly

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi

My problem is that I never told my son that my husband is not his father. He is now 14 years old and I had only a one night stand with his biological father when I got pregnant even though we were friends at the time. When he found out I was pregnant we had no more contact but I do know where he lives etc. and I bumped into him recently in a supermarket with my son. How should I handle the situation? My husband loves my son very much and has been his father from the age of two and does not want to tell him about his biological father but i am not so sure. We have no other children and I am worried that telling my son will not only upset him but also tear my husband and I apart. Any advice?

The problem here is, your son should have been told years ago.It may have caused damage, but doesn't your situation now cause even more.I think men like your husband are amazing, you are lucky to have found him.

Does this man now want visitation or something ?
Does he want a relationship with a son he once just abandoned and discarded....because your son does not need to deal with that...his whole world will be turned upside down
Why tell him who his real father(huh!!! that word should not be used for him, the man who provided the sperm is better fitting) is and that he abandoned him but lives close by ??has lived close by all the time!!
If you tell your son now, just to let him know, and this man does not want to be a father to him then where does that leave your son?

I think it has to be your decision, you know your son and husband best, but i think your husband must be involved 100% in making the choice too.

This other man gave up his rights and your husband took over and loved and raised your son with you.

You did the best you could to protect your son at the time and i would not jeprodise your family unless this man fully realises that if he wants some relationship with the child it is going to take hard work and determination...just because he says "hey son im your dad and ready to be a father now" does not mean that it will be easy...

maybe you should consult someone professional about this?If it really worries you.

the glass woman

Does anybody else know the truth? The reason i ask is that my cousin's 'dad' was not his biological father and we all knew this growing up, i'm about 8yrs older than him, but we were aware that he didn't know this and knew to say nothing. Now i don't remember how this came about but looking back on the situation, now from an adult's perspective, it was absolutely disgraceful that my cousin's extended family knew something so huge about him, and were told to keep it from him. They didn't tell him the truth til he was close to 18. A couple of yrs ago his non biological dad died, and on the day of his funeral i was chatting to my cousin who i hadn't seen in years, and he said to me in conversation 'i presume you know that xxx wasn't my real dad...' and to be honest i felt very awkward.

LegacyUser

Yes unfortunately many other people are also aware that my sons dad is not his biological father. My husbands parents treat my son as their grandson but I am conscious of the fact that many people know the truth and might one day tell my son if I dont before then. I am worried that if I tell him and he wants to meet his biological father and his biological father doesnt want to meet him that could have a very bad effect on my son.

marti101

Is there any way you could get together with your sons father and explain to him that its time your son was told.Even if he didnt want anything to do with him you still have to tell him.Do you have any idea how devestating he will find it when he hears it from someone else[he will dont kid yourself].The thing is you dont know what way he will react.I only found out cause my cousins had been at my mothers wedding and they were only a year older than me.I was crushed more so my parents didnt think enough of me to tell me the truth.Tell him end of.

the glass woman

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes unfortunately many other people are also aware that my sons dad is not his biological father. My husbands parents treat my son as their grandson but I am conscious of the fact that many people know the truth and might one day tell my son if I dont before then. I am worried that if I tell him and he wants to meet his biological father and his biological father doesnt want to meet him that could have a very bad effect on my son.

Yeah you see i'd be quite concerned that even if no one else tells him before you do, that the older he gets the more hurt he 'could' be that other people knew this secret and he wasn't told. Its a really difficult situation for you but i think if it were me i'd tell him now and deal with the consequences and then part of your own worries and concerns can be laid to rest.

Toots

OP, I'd echo other advice given in this thread and suggest you tell your son. I know a girl who was in this situation (her Dad wasn't her biological father) and her Mum kept it a secret from her all her life. She found out when her grandmother was in the advanced stages of alzhiemers(SP) and said it to her one day without realising that she didn't know.

She found out when we were in 6th year in school (2004), and even now her relationship with her mum is strained. They used to be really close. After she found out she told us that she didn't mind that her Dad wasn't her biological father (similarly to your situation OP, her father left her mum when he found out she was pregnant) her biological dad had no interest in seeing her and vice versa, however she was devastated that her mother had hidden it from her. The good thing in all this is that her finding out didn't damage her relationship with her Dad, in fact they became even closer after she found out.

Most importantly, aside from how this will effect your relationship with your husband or son, at the end of the day, he has a right to know. And it'll be much better coming from you than him hearing it from a third party.

ShawnRaven

Tell him when you feel he's old enough. My mom waited until i was 17 (i'm 32 now) the story as to why i was brought up by her on her own. Looking back she was right to leave it until then, as i was a fairly mouthy kid back then, shoot first then ask questions later.

It came as somewhat of a surprise when she told me, gave me his address and contact number. Tore it up there and then as i'd no interest as i knew who brought me up and who stuck around.

Of course, that was my reaction. I went with what felt right for me.
But definitely do tell him, but only when you know he's able to understand the situation.

Good luck.