Retired & Lonely

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm looking for some help here for my mam.

The background I suppose to the story is that my mam retired about 4 or 5 years ago and ever since then I can't help but feel she has been searching for more purpose in her life and she seems unhappy within herself and lonely.

She worked for years and retired in her mid 50's. She is now about 60 but I don't think she realised at the time the amount she depended on work for social interaction and purpose in her life.

She never had lots of friends and hasn't really maintained friendships through her life for whatever reason. She married my dad in her mid 20's and I don't think outside of her sisters she ever developed social connections beyond that.

She loves going out for dinner and stuff with the family and I think she just really wants some pals to buddy around with these days.

She has tried activities like taking art classes, taking up golf, she has even gone back to university and is studying for a degree!!

I'm really proud of her but I don't think she made many connections through the activities as with golf I think she may not have fitted in as much with the social scene or just didn't connect with it on the same level as she was there for the social aspect and may not have been particularly good, art I don't think there were many people of similar predicament as her and as far as I know she has had a bad experience in college as she is finding it very difficult to fit in and make friends, particularly considering there probably aren't many people of the same age etc. as her.

Lately she has gotten very depressed and I'm just really worried because all I want is for her to be happy.

I've always had a struggled relationship with her, I was a terrible teen and to this day live at home (mid 20's male ) and we still have the odd row or two as I get frustrated not having my own space etc. and trying to save money to buy, that's neither here nor there I suppose, but I like trying to be here for her and we had a massive row tonight.

I feel so guilty now because she's sitting downstairs and was crying before. I'm going to go and apologise, but I would love to have some ideas of how to help her find something and particularly people for her to pal around with.

It's a difficult age to be doing this I think as not many people her age will be looking for buddies to socialise with during the day and go for meals or wine with at night or just do things at the weekend.

My dad does his own thing really, he goes to the pub and sees his mates but "the wives" never really go so it isn't something she takes part in.

As much as I'm sure my dad knows things aren't going great for her, he doesn't seem to do anything (not that he doesn't care) and I'm not sure there's much he can do. He's very set in his ways and follows routine and I would love to find something - a group or something - for her to join and just be able to have the craic!!

Something at the weekends or whatever! I've searched for "retirement groups" etc. on the net be these people would all be older and not have the same interest and again may not be something she would fit in to.

Does anybody have any experience of this or know ways / activities / groups I could suggest to her where she could meet people and have some fun because I just want her to be happy.

Thanks for reading and any help would be really appreciated.

Heckler

Wow. Thats a lot to deal with. I only scanned your post first and assumed your dad was dead. I really think your father has to make more of an effort. Maybe you could organise something for the both of them to do together ?

I can understand how a long married couple may become staid and such but to have your mum in tears isn't great. Maybe they could go on a foreign holiday ? Even if you have siblings maybe pay for a weekend away for them somewhere, maybe involving a concert or something ? Just throwing out some suggestions.I know how contrary parents can be !

bnagrrl

Dunno if this will be any use to you but might be worth a look:

www.fara.ie - Active Retirement Groups in Ireland

peekyboo

Hi OP, sorry to hear that about your mother. It must be very hard for you to deal with it too, never nice to see your parents unhappy

I'm lucky that my parents have active social lives and one of the things it's down to is Toastmasters! Not sure if you've heard of it before but there seems to be clubs locally, it's very very social - my parents are always going off on weekends and nights out - there are people there of all ages (if not mostly older) and by the sounds of it, people are very nice and friendly and welcoming.

I'm pretty sure they go under the guise of it being a public speaking club but again, they seem to go easy on new and shy people and wouldn't make them do anything they didn't want to but mostly it seems like a very sociable club!

Perhaps she can try this?

TequilaMockingBird

Voluntary work might be an idea. A lot of organisations would be delighted to have some help, and she will be meeting new people.

jos28

Firstly can I say that your Mam is so lucky to have such a considerate son. The fact that you have been keeping an eye on her moods and are worried about her says a lot about both of you. I am probably closer to your Mam's age than a lot of posters here. I think that her problem is more specific than just finding something to occupy her and get her socialising. You mentioned that she has tried golf, art and has even gone to college. I know from personal experience that it takes huge courage to even make the first step to enrol at third level as a mature student. Fair play to her for getting that far. She does not seem to have a problem going 'out there'. She does not appear to be afraid to try new things. But it does seem like she has difficulties maintaining new involvements. What is she like when people come into the house, is she chatty, is she introverted ? What are her converstional skills like. Would she be the type of person to initiate a conversation. Maybe thats where she is struggling. There are lots of things she can do to improve that aspect, like Toastmasters (as Peekyboo mentioned). You say that she likes restaurants and food, there are 'dining groups' around she could join. Maybe you could send her on a 'foodie' weekend. Lots of hotels/cookery schools do them.
Your Mam is at a difficult point in her life. Her life has changed a lot in the past few years, retirement, fleeing the nest syndrome, your Dad busy with his own life. The things that gave her life purpose have changed. She has spent years working and looking after her family and that has all changed. No wonder she might feel out of her comfort zone.
Have a chat with her, ask her about college, ask her does she miss work. If she feels left out in college, maybe you could suggest she switches to a course more geared towards people of her own age. Boost her confidence a bit, tell her she has done a great job as your Mother.
Best of luck.

DenMan

Sorry to hear about that OP. You need to talk to her and find out the route of the problem. I know you said that you had a troubled teenage time, but you are living at home now and need to be more supportive. Have a talk to her about the course she is doing. If she has any assignments coming up, then help her with them. You will be genuinely taking an interest in her well being and she will be very grateful for this. When my Mother was doing a FAS course I helped her with her computer work and write-ups outside of class. It helped her tremendously. You should also talk to your Father. Him spending a lot of the time in the pub is not good for everybody. My Mother had a similar problem with my Father as she felt he was not putting in some time at home. She has a lot on her mind right now and you need to help her as best you can. Hope it works out for you OP.

Also you should ask her what she likes doing. Ask to write down a list of things she enjoys, be it reading, writing, walking...anything and everything. If she is a lot older than the rest of her class mates then ask her is there a mature student society in her uni. If there is then you should try and encourage her to join. Also look at the local County Council's and VEC's in your area. They run courses for older people, retired, pensioners, school leavers etc who left a long time ago and are returning to full time education. There will be a lot more people her age group she can interact with outside her course and she can get the best of both worlds, enjoy her course and maintain a social circle outside of uni.

MsFifers

An older friend of mine recently joined an Active Retirement group and is loving it! He is going to 2 or 3 activities a week and is so excited about it all. As there are always more women than men at it - he is also very excited about the gender balance (lack of!).

I would really suggest your Mam looks at volunteering too. She sounds like she has loads to offer and it would really give her a sense of purpose as well as a new social outlet. She can give as little or as much time as she likes to it.

If you look here http://www.volunteer.ie/localcentres.htm you can find out about the nearest Volunteer Centre to you - they will help your Mam to find something that she will enjoy.

LegacyUser

Thanks very much for all the replies! I really appreciate it.

There as some excellent ideas there and I am certainly going to put a few ideas to her this week. I generally try to take an interest in her activities but it would be great if she had lots of people around her outside of the family as well to support her and I think a few of these clubs could be a great outlet for her to express herself and meet new people.

I may also look into volunteering and suggest doing some together. I think it's something a lot of people often think of doing but never get around to or know how to go about doing and it could be a good oppertunity to spend some time together and meet people too.

Thanks for your help everybody, I'll put together a few ideas from what you've suggested and talk to her this week and see if there is anything she would like to try and maybe do something with her to encourage her also.

I really appreciate it, thanks.