Addicted to him?????

LegacyUser

I need opinions on an awful situation that I find myself in at the moment. I will try to keep this as short as possible.

Basically, Jane met Matt about 2 and a half years ago, started going out, initially it was a long distance relationship. Things were going great until one night they had an argument, he stormed off, got drunk and kissed another woman. Jane was distraught but she forgave him. Jane and Matt both moved to the same city last year and he was a great help and support to her as she embarked on her new career. In summer of this year Jane and Matt moved to another city closer to Jane’s home place and moved into a house together.

Everything was going great until last weekend when Matt was due down at Jane’s parents house to do some DIY-it was arranged that they would leave early on the Sat morning so they could get back to the house again not too late that evening. Jane told Matt to get a move on as she was ready to go and he was downstairs watching football and not showered or dressed. Matt responded to Jane “If this is the way you are going to speak to me all day then I am not going to your parents house with you”

Jane took her own car and left hoping that it might shock Matt into following her. She got near home and rang him and he still refused to come down and do the work. Jane got upset at this stage as her parents were relying on Matt completing the work that weekend so Jane begged him to come down but he hung up the phone. Jane went home and made up the excuse that Matt was feeling a little sick-seeing her parents so bitterly disappointed she rang Matt, and quite sharply told him to cop on and to do the work as promised.

Fast forward to 3 hours later, Jane had to go out to visit a sick relative; there was still no sign of Matt. When she returned to her parent’s house he was there but she could see he was boiling with anger. When Jane walked in he completely ignored her in front of her parents and then sharply said that he wanted to speak to her. Unbeknownst to Jane her mother was listening as Matt berated her for not answering the phone as he had been ringing. Jane explained that she had her phone on silent as she was with her sick relative. The frosty atmosphere continued through dinner and then Matt got up said goodbye to Janes parents and left without a word to Jane.

Jane’s mother told her to stay at home for the night and to allow Matt to cool down-initially Jane wanted to go home to Matt and sort things out but she was exhausted and opted to stay at home-she texted Matt to tell him so but got no reply.

Next morning Jane returned back to the house she shared with Matt-Matt ignored her as she came in through the door so Jane did not try to initiate conversation either-Instead she went upstairs,made up the spare bed and planned on giving Matt some space to cool down. Matt stormed into the room and asked Jane what she was doing-Jane was trying to rile Matt so replied that she was moving into the back room until she found somewhere better to stay-Matt said if you are planning on leaving you can pack up and leave now.

Shocked, Jane rang her Mother in tears and asked her to help her to pack up her stuff. A while later her Mother, sister and brother turned up on the doorstep and stripped the house of any possession belonging to Jane.

Jane is now living out of bags in a box room at home. She gets up at 4.30am every morning to commute to work.She has lost all interest in her job and doesn't care if her work is shabby. She is not eating and spends a lot of the day in tears, She misses Matt dearly and they speak on the phone as often as they can-he feels the same-the argument got out of hand. Jane’s Mother wants her to change her phone number and her family are telling her that she will be alienating herself from them if she goes back to Matt. Jane and Matt are both 30….as you may have guessed I am Jane but I do not know what to do …..any advice PLEASE….so sorry about the long post.

[WoW]

go back to the flat, talk everything over, explain to your family it was just a stupid argument and that you really want to get back with him -2yrs is a long time, i should know going through something similar myself a the min . if thats all you two fell out about then you can get through it. if your happy with him the rest of the time then forget about this whole thing, its making you miserable! although he should realise he was the one in the wrong at the start.?

TheBrig

Hiya Jane,

I'm sorry you're going through this but it seems you are both going through this unnecessarily? I mean, it was an argument, they happen, and you are both miserable and speaking on the phone about how miserable you both are....it was an argument that you have both agreed just got out of hand...whats stopping you moving back in with him? I know you said your parents won't be happy and you'll be "alienated" from them, but it seems a bit dramatic on their part? Did they have problems with Matt before? Were they against the relationship in the first place? When Matt got drunk and kissed that other girl, did you go straight to your folks and tell them and now thats why they seem to dislike him?

Sorry for all the questions, i just am finding it hard to understand from your post why they are so against Matt....I mean, it seems like as I said earlier in my post, it was just an argument...

Anyway, you have my sympathy for what its worth, its a horrible time you're going through and I hope whatever you decide to do, you'll come out the other end happy.

Oryx

Hi 'Jane'.:)

Yikes. That certainly was an argument getting out of hand. Kinda like a textbook example of how things can go wobbly for no reason. Except theres something going on with you two that needs sorting, even if you realise that was a stupid thing to happen. You can both act in anger without thinking cant you! If you both have a tendency to go off the deep end and overreact (which is what it sounds like, and I include you too, Jane, that spare room trick was a mindgame) then you need to tackle it or youll end up doing this again.

As for your family. All they saw was this grizzly bear descending on their house, rowing with you and practically throwing you out of your home. And then they heard just your tearful side of it. So no wonder they think youd be mad to go back to him. Sit down and explain to them and be honest about your part in it. Get Matt to come and sit in too and talk to your mum, so she knows how he feels now and that shes not sending you back to live with some Mr Angry.

If you both want to be together youll sort it. And this kind of stuff happens, its life.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies: Just to answer a couple of your questions:

(WoW): He does realise that he was wrong to carry on the way he did but I also accepted my part in it too.

TheBrig: I understand arguments happen but I SO regret picking up the phone to my Mother asking her to help me pack my stuff-it was only me trying to get a dig at him. To answer your question on why my family seem to have this dislike of him has quite a lot to do with my sister whom he never got on with. She is younger than me but can be quite controlling at times so he would have told her once or twice to leave me alone. In addition we broke up for a few weeks when he kissed the other woman and I had to tell my parents-they would definitely disapprove as they are quite old fashioned and set in their ways but they have formed the opinion now that I was miserable in the house with him when the complete opposite is true.....

scoot on

TheBrig wrote: »

Hiya Jane,

I'm sorry you're going through this but it seems you are both going through this unnecessarily? I mean, it was an argument, they happen, and you are both miserable and speaking on the phone about how miserable you both are....it was an argument that you have both agreed just got out of hand...whats stopping you moving back in with him? I know you said your parents won't be happy and you'll be "alienated" from them, but it seems a bit dramatic on their part? Did they have problems with Matt before? Were they against the relationship in the first place? When Matt got drunk and kissed that other girl, did you go straight to your folks and tell them and now thats why they seem to dislike him?

Sorry for all the questions, i just am finding it hard to understand from your post why they are so against Matt....I mean, it seems like as I said earlier in my post, it was just an argument...

Anyway, you have my sympathy for what its worth, its a horrible time you're going through and I hope whatever you decide to do, you'll come out the other end happy.

Agree with this... Are there other reasons why your family wouldn't like Matt? It seems a bit excessive to react the way they did. I've had fights with my bf and told my folks about it (mainly my mom) and I know they wouldn't hold it against my bf. Arguments happen all the time.

LegacyUser

Oryx

I completely agree with you-I am as much to blame in this whole mess as he is and we do have quite explosive rows when we do argue because we can both be angry people and stubborn too as one of us will never back down and if we do it is always Matt that offers the peace treaty.

To make matters worse my mum has arranged for me to view an apartment this Friday but I don't obviously want to go....

Was talking to Matt there and his mother is very upset about the whole situation-she has offered to meet my mum and sit down with her to try and sort things out....they have never met before...good/bad idea?????????????

LegacyUser

hi jane,

from what you said, he was a bit rude to you to begin with and then it all spiralled from there. then it appeared your both as pigheadded as each other. you both are upset about it, miss each other and think it got blown out of all proportion. Leave the parents out of it, they're biased, and agree to meet up on neutral ground and sort it out. Just wondering is he always that rude? sounds to me like its perfectly sortoutable. Hope ur ok

LegacyUser

Once again thanks for all the replies-I thought I was the only once who thought my parents were over reacting a bit....even there a little while ago when I approached the subject of meeting up with Matt to sort things out my mother got upset and said that I was just going back for more abuse....I told her that I am miserable but she said give yourself a few days to clear your mind and you'll see its for the best...I don't want it to be for the best....I want things back to normal

As for the question on whether he is always rude-I will say that he can be moody and snappy at times but the good times far outweigh the bad and my God I can be a moody cow for absolutely no reason too (apart from the hormones!)

Dizzyblonde

OP in my opinion there are only the two of you in the relationship so it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. if you decide to get back together that's your own business.
The thing is, though, he was willing to let your parents down initially,and could sit through dinner with them while ignoring you. That takes a certain mindset - no matter whether you'd argued or not.

JonathanAnon

These stupid things can get escalated by one person trying to outdo the other..

You move in to the back room
He says "we if you're gonna leave just leave"
You pack your bags...

It's childish, but I've done the same. It's not mature or helpful, but at least neither of ye has gone too far, like sleeping with someone else.

I would be curious as to why your mother has no affection for this guy. This would make me think that your mother is listening to you being unhappy with this guy on an ongoing basis or maybe just doesnt like the guy?

Mr. Incognito

Both 30 going on 10.

Sheesh,

How do these things ever get out of hand. Tit for tat point scoring.

I think you should both find a way to communicate with each other without scoring points and have an ADULT conversation rather than guilting each other into doing things.

You're both to blame tbh.

Amazotheamazing

You're both to blame, but imo, you probably more so. Your first re-action was to storm off to you parents, then rather than talk things through you stay overnight away from him, only to come back and effectively tell him you're moving out? Then when he calls your bluff, you actually move out in a huff. It's a litany of bad decisions imo.

Both of ye clearly need to work on your communication skills. I'd be incredibly annoyed if my mother listened in on a private conversation too btw, but it doesn't seem to bother you?

Then when you get home, you let your family take control of your life, your mother trying to find you an apartment and to change your number? Way over the top.

Tell your family to back off, if they don't like Matt they shouldn't be using him to work on their home at the weekends (was he paid for his work btw?) and they shouldn't be listening in on private conversations.

You need to talk to Matt, and Matt needs to talk to you, face to face, like adults, in private.

shellyboo

Confused4444 wrote: »

I understand arguments happen but I SO regret picking up the phone to my Mother asking her to help me pack my stuff-it was only me trying to get a dig at him.

This was a really, really stupid thing to do - at 30 years of age, you should know better than to throw around idle threats for the sake of point-scoring. If I was your bf, I'd have let you leave too. It's such a petulant way to behave.

Confused4444 wrote: »

I told her that I am miserable but she said give yourself a few days to clear your mind and you'll see its for the best...I don't want it to be for the best....I want things back to normal

So go back to him. I really don't see what the problem is here. You're 30, you don't have to do what Mammy tells you. If she has a problem with it, tough, she'll get over it - she's not going to disown you over it.

asdasd

from what you said, he was a bit rude to you to begin with and then it all spiralled from there.

I can see his side. He is giving up his w/e to do some DIY for a family which resents him a little bit, and the gf is harrassing him in the morning rather than cooking him up breakfast as a treat for his work, or at least and thanking him prior to the effort. He probably resented the DIY but did it as duty, so the better behaviour in the morning from Jane would be some praise, thanks, and a nicer demeanour than normal because he is doing the favour. Instead she harassed him a bit.

At least that would be my feeling, were I him.

Definitely things have gotten out of hand, matt seems like an ok guy.

Get back together.

not yet

Do you mind me asking why you refer to yourself in the 3rd person............

To be honest you sound a little controlling.

Katgurl

oh my god, what exactly is the problem here? go home to your boyfriend. make a nice dinner & bottle of wine. tell him you're sorry. presumably he will say same. tell your family to butt out & try to be nicer to each other in future.

dudara

Things really got out of hand here, but the one thing that comes across quite clearly to me is that you don't appear to talk but instead issue ultimatums.

You got in your car, and drove off, leaving him behind. You thought you were teaching him a lesson, but imagine how deserted he felt.

You came home, you didn't speak to each other, so you made up a bed in the spare room, again deserting the man.

Cut out the dramatic acts, they don't achieve anything and are purely the stuff of soap operas. Instead try to talk to each other.

not yet

dudara wrote: »

Things really got out of hand here, but the one thing that comes across quite clearly to me is that you don't appear to talk but instead issue ultimatums.

You got in your car, and drove off, leaving him behind. You thought you were teaching him a lesson, but imagine how deserted he felt.

You came home, you didn't speak to each other, so you made up a bed in the spare room, again deserting the man.

Cut out the dramatic acts, they don't achieve anything and are purely the stuff of soap operas. Instead try to talk to each other.

100% spot on....

If you cant at least try this your heading for trouble.

LegacyUser

Once again cheers for all the replies:

not yet....the only reason I refer to myself in the third person was to make the situation a little easier to follow without using "I" and "he" all the time.

Just to bring things up to speed I arrnaged to meet Matt at a neutral venue last week, we talked things through and both agreed to make a better effort with each other and communicate as so many of you have suggested instead of storming off...

I went home on Friday evening with the intention of telling my parents that we were working things out and there was no need to worry. Before I got into the house my sister (late 20's) came out and asked how the apartment viewing went. When I told her that I was working through things with Matt and didn't go to view the apartment she went psycho on me saying that she was "done with me", that I have no respect for myself or the family and I should pack my bags and leave. After this reaction I thought it would be best to grab a few bits and go back to Matt that same night-even though I had been driving for hours to get home-when I said I was leaving she replied "I hope you crash the f@@#ing car".

I have spoken to my Mum and Dad since then but things are not right.