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Wife's low sex drive

  • 26-11-2008 4:48pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi

    Feel a bit weird posting this as I haven't spoken to a soul about it (except my wife).
    I've been with my wife 12 years and married for 5. I love her more than words can say and I always will. She's my best friend and a brilliant mother to our 2yo son. I couldn't ask for a better life partner, I believe we will be together till we die.

    throughout our entire relationship I've always had a much higher sex drive than her. Except for the first couple of years I have been unhappy with the amount of sex we have. The last 7 years have been very bad in the sense that on average we would do well to have sex once a month.
    When we do have sex it is fantastic, she always enjoys it as much as I do and she never has a problem in climaxing. I go through stages when I feel completely rejected and worthless because she's uninterested, I sometimes feel like I'm pressuring her and I'm a bit of a pest. I would then make a conscious decision that no matter how much I want to, that I will not show any interest in her sexually because I want to avoid feeling worthless etc..
    After a week or so of this it gets a little easier as I force my expectation lower, and I seem to be able to deal with it then but it's not an easy journey to this state of mind.

    what then happens is that we would eventually have sex again, which is great but straight away I'm hooked again and find I want it all the time again but she has had enough and that'll do her till the next time, whenever that'll be. I then start the above cycle again.

    I don't know what to do. I've searched internet sites looking for herbal remedies etc that can lower my drive but can't find anything. If my drive was lower everything would be fine as the rest of our life together is perfect. In general I am much more laid back than her and she can get stressed easier which would effect her drive, however I do contribute a lot to the household, I am in a highly paid job and I do as much housework as her etc..

    I know what I'm saying probably doesn't make a lot of sense and is all over the place a bit but without going on way too much I'm trying to give as much info as possible. We have spoken about it a lot, but I don't like speaking about it too much as I feel like I'm pestering her when we speak and I feel like I'm blaming her alone which I'm not. I tell her everyday that I love her and she's beautiful and we share lots of hugs and kisses which aren't about sex. I don't know why I'm writing this, I suppose I'm looking for opinions and advice especially if someone else has experienced it. Both male and female opinions would be great.

    Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

    C.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 86,729 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    I cant remember where I read it, but someone was talking about how a partner can actually do a lot of damage to their better half's sex drive by putting them under pressure (directly or indirectly) to have or perform sex. You mention you have always had a higher sex drive, and I have to suspect this may be playing part in some way.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    i swear to god,
    iv been trawling through this web site lately and there are so many people with the same issue, mainly men i might add and as someone whose ex girlfriend had a similar issue i understand where your coming from.Its like this issue is ''the topic that dare not speak its name'' in this country. Its a crippling situation to be in and i dont think there are any easy solutions but its a sure path toward resentment, bitterness unfaithfulness and separation if it isnt tackled head on. Women have so much power over men in that regard its unhealthy and unfair for the guy to suffer on like nothings the matter. itd be no harm if some of the partners were shown some of the postings on this subject to get a feel for how much trouble it can cause.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    You know what, I don't know if there is any cure for this after the honeymoon period. I know mine will drop I get bored with someone. My tiny little hunter brain needs to be tricked into thinking there is still a chase. I don't think I am the only woman who is like this.

    Pressure is your worst tactic. She will just shut down completely. Let her chase you. But it will take time. Don't expect it over night.

    You have hugs and kisses which arent about sex? You mean like brother and sister or friends or something?

    You are too predictable. Eros needs mystery. He will flee without it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Women have so much power over men in that regard its unhealthy and unfair for the guy to suffer on like nothings the matter. itd be no harm if some of the partners were shown some of the postings on this subject to get a feel for how much trouble it can cause.

    Maybe I misunderstand you, but your post suggests that women deny guys sex because they are on some sort of power trip. What utter nonsense! Many women do, in fact, have a lower sex drive than men, which is due to many things, the most basic being, of course, a different hormonal make-up. Taking that into consideration, are you implying that women should simply lie back and think of Ireland in order to not be "unfair"? Even if you ignore all those men that would detest sleeping with a woman like that, do you think it would be particularly fair on the woman in question?

    I think Overheal has a point which seems to be supported by the OP's experience that his wife gets hornier once he has lost interest. OP, have you talked to your wife in a non-confrontational or accusatory way? Maybe point your observations out with a bemused smile on your face to try and get her to open up and get her view on all of this. If she feels under pressure, try and make a conscious effort to play it cool in future as best as you can. In any case, you really need to talk to her.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 73 ✭✭SIBHCHEVIE


    Is she on the pill or anything like that, I found that drove my sex drive right down would only be interested like once a month and i know my bf was getting frustrated. Last Dec i stopped taking the pill for other reasons and about a month later i was back to my old self and now i've the higher sex drive


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I mean I hug and kiss her as a show of affection rather than as a bridge to sex.

    Also

    We have spoken many many times and I never accuse her of being the problem. I see a big part of the problem being my high sex drive. If I could lower it I would, at the drop of a hat. If I could donate my sex drive to someone else and have none at all, I would. I would rather have no drive at all and be happy with every other aspect of our marriage.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 230 ✭✭Muggy Dev


    Very common problem for married men.You get to that "what´s in it for me" stage in your relationship and find yourself searching for answers.I don´t know what the answers are but it happened to me and I´m separated now,living in Spain and getting loads.

    Good luck OP.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    The first two years after a baby are always rough, aside from the natural dip in drive and the huge ammount of work and lack of sleep from having an infant sometimes due to the changes in a woman's body post pregnancy they just don't feel as sexy.

    Have you been able to get out together just the pair of you ?
    Can you do date nights even if it's a romantic meal in ?
    Can you get away even for 1 night and hopefully have hotel sex ?


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    You know what, I don't know if there is any cure for this after the honeymoon period. I know mine will drop I get bored with someone. My tiny little hunter brain needs to be tricked into thinking there is still a chase. I don't think I am the only woman who is like this.

    Pressure is your worst tactic. She will just shut down completely. Let her chase you. But it will take time. Don't expect it over night.
    Spot on and good advice too. Ease off the pressure

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 86,729 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    How often do you help yourself OP? You might be able to curb your own sex drive a bit by toning it down, and choosing not to do so as often as you might otherwise. Try challenging yourself to go 1 or 2 days; 4 days; a week, etc.

    It can be done - I mean after reading the diary of a circumcision, im ready to believe anything is possible.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 533 ✭✭✭SpookyDoll


    i swear to god,
    iv been trawling through this web site lately and there are so many people with the same issue, mainly men i might add and as someone whose ex girlfriend had a similar issue i understand where your coming from.Its like this issue is ''the topic that dare not speak its name'' in this country. Its a crippling situation to be in and i dont think there are any easy solutions but its a sure path toward resentment, bitterness unfaithfulness and separation if it isnt tackled head on. Women have so much power over men in that regard its unhealthy and unfair for the guy to suffer on like nothings the matter. itd be no harm if some of the partners were shown some of the postings on this subject to get a feel for how much trouble it can cause.

    Listen, woman here, I went through it with an ex and it was hell and torture, the utter waste. I couldn't stand it at all in the end, tried everything and left him and thankfully met someone much more compatable now....lots of times they are just stringing you along pretending they will try to improve when they just have no intentions at all.

    If there were other problems in the relationship I would be telling you to leave, run for the hills as its a miserable existance and such a waste of a life, but in your case everything else is great in the relationship so no point in throwing the baby out with the bathwater....

    So what you are left with is trying to coax her.....I just dont know if all the baths, candles, massages, dinners etc in the world are going to work. These people with low sex drives, nothing seems to work really. The problem is they are happy as they are and I dont think they know or care what the other partner goes through, the amount of misery. The self control needed, the daily sacrifice.

    Anyway, this is going to be long term for you, she has very much painted you into a corner.... If you wife has no interest, perhaps she might see her way to allowing you to go elsewhere for that aspect of the relationship.....do you think?

    Maybe its worth a try...its better than contemplating trying to kill your sex drive, thats just madness.....

    It could be that she would feel relieved if you were getting sorted out elsewhere. She has no interest herself so perhaps she wouldn't mind?

    (Well, she'd have a cheek to really....)


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