Mothers Funeral - Eulogy

LegacyUser

Hi. My mother passed away suddenly last week (70), I am the only son with 2 older sisters. The funeral will probably be towards the end of next week. I feel that I would be expected to say a few words at the funeral, however I just don't think I could manage it, firstly as I've never been a good public speaker anyway and secondly I'm sure I would get too choked. Is a Eulogy always expected and will people think that I don't care if I don't do it?

GAAman

No they will realise you are crushed at the loss of your mother,and if they dont let them walk in your shoes and see if they worry about saying a few words at a mass. I am sorry for your loss and stop worrying what other people think and look after yourself

If worse comes to worse the three of you can put something together and i am sure the priest will read it out if need be

alexjk

I don't think anyone would think any less of you for not making a speech. Most people could easily put themselves in your shoes. Would you be able to talk about this to your sisters?Maybe one of them would be better at a eulogy?

kizzyr

Condolences at the passing of your mother.
You don't have to worry about giving a eulogy, some people do others don't. No one will think any the less of you for not.

In$omniac

Firstly I would like to offer my condolences for your loss, you should do whatever you feel is right, if that means sitting aside your sisters and not saying anything to the funeral party that is fine.

There is no pressure or expectation from anyone that you should stand and say a few words, that is the way I would be thinking anyway, hopefully those attending the funeral will think the same.

vandermeyde

Firstly OP, Condolences on your sad loss.

If there's anything specific you would like mentioned at the funeral the priest will say it for you if you ask him.

Oryx

The only thing to consider is whether you want to do it. If you feel you might look back and wish you had, then put some words on paper and either read them yourself or have someone else read them for you.

Its not about what everyone else thinks, its about what you want to do. You are suffering a huge loss, noone will expect a eulogy from you, people do appreciate how hard that is to do.

My sympathies to you and your family.

bettiedaviseyes

Hi there,
Let me say that I am so sorry that you lost your mum. I lost my dad three months ago and it was unexpected, so I know exactly what you are going through. At his funeral I did a reading that the priest had picked out and it was about love, wasnt particularly about death, but it was beautiful. I thought that I wouldnt be able to do it but I was glad that I did. My brother and I both did readings. At the end of both readings we both read out a little bit about my dad that we had wroye ourselves. It was hard but felt that had to do something.
It is so tough to get through, I wont lie, but as long as you have people around you that will support you, it does get easier. Three months on I miss him a lot but realise that I was glad that I did something.
I hope that helps.
You will get through it.

charliecon

Sincere sympathy on your mothers death. In our diocese (Meath) eulogies are not allowed in the church , the priest will say a few words about the deceased but the family can only speak at the graveside if they so wish so check with the priest cos you may be worrying unnecessarily.

metrovelvet

I didn't speak at my father's funeral, for the reasons you are expressing here and also because it was in front of a church full of trained, well known, actors and I was 23 full of fear of them thinking I wouldn't do a good job, a misplaced fear. What I did do, was ask two of his friends to speak, and gave them something from one of his favourite pieces of literature, and asked them to incoporate it somehow. It turned out to be very moving and appropriate to his life. I regret not speaking now, which is just an added irony given so much about grief is about the regrets over the unsaid, but I dont think still I would have done a very good job at the time. Whatever you decide to do,is the right choice, as long as you are comfortable with it.

Condolences to you at this sad time.

admiralofthefleet

sorry to hear about your loss.

i didnt speak in a sense at my grandfathers (he was more my father) funeral but i read stop all the clocks

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi. My mother passed away suddenly last week (70), I am the only son with 2 older sisters. The funeral will probably be towards the end of next week. I feel that I would be expected to say a few words at the funeral, however I just don't think I could manage it, firstly as I've never been a good public speaker anyway and secondly I'm sure I would get too choked. Is a Eulogy always expected and will people think that I don't care if I don't do it?

You do not have to do a Eulogy.

My mum died last year and none of us did one and it was a big funeral.Don't be put under any pressure to do one,they are only a fad.
they are nice of course,don't get me wrong but far from essential.

So don't do one if you don't want to

Sorry for your trouble,may your Mum rest in peace.

Powerhouse

I have been to countless funerals and could count on the fingers of one hand the funerals at which a family member or anyone bar the priest spoke. It certainly will not be expected.

R.I.P.

camel toe

sorry man.

r.i.p

Dizzyblonde

I'm sorry for your loss. It really depends on whether you'd like to say something. If you do, it doesn't have to be a very long speech or brilliantly written, just speak from your heart.
You could write a short letter to your mother and read it aloud if you wanted to. There's no pressure to do it though.

Dizzyblonde

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

It really depends on whether you'd like to say something. If you do, it doesn't have to be a very long speech or brilliantly written, just speak from your heart.
You could write a short letter to your mother and read it aloud if you wanted to. There's no pressure to do it though.

But with respect, I'm reading answers like that as pressure to do it.
The op has already said he does not want to do it.
So theres no point in saying what you said.

The question was - is it expected.
The answer in my experience is firmly no.


Op-don't be daft.People do not think you don't care if you dont do a Eulogy.
Relax.
What people care about at a sad occasion like this is you and your sisters

LegacyUser

I've been to a few funerals of parents who died young. Nobody expects the immediate family to give a eulogy. Sometimes the priest who does the funeral knows the family and they will say a few words.Or at the very end, someone related to the family (cousin etc)will get up a say a couple of lines, and end by telling people they can go for a meal after etc.Nobody will hold it against you for not doing it, or expect it of you.Sorry for your loss.

Dizzyblonde

Black Briar, I DID say there's no pressure to do it :rolleyes:

yeah but what you said mostly was advice for the Eulogy which was pressure to do it.

steph1

I'm very sorry for your loss RIP.

Maybe you could discuss this with your sisters - maybe one of them might like to do it.

I did not do one at my father's funeral but did do a reading and all my cousins did prayers of the faithful.

This was five years ago and looking back I'm kinda sorry that I didn't but thats the way.

Two years ago my uncle died and his daughter asked me if I would read the eulogy for her as she could not do it and I was glad to.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Sorry for your loss.

I know I wouldn't be able to say a few words at either of my parents funerals and I was on the debating team in school and done lots of presentations at college.

To tell you the truth, you have enough on your shoulders at the moment, do not worry about this minor detail.

Beruthiel

OP don't feel any pressure to do this.
It's not expected and at a time like this you shouldn't feel the need to do so. You are sad enough without putting this extra burden on yourself.

At my uncles funeral a few months back none of his sisters or brothers could do it. However, he had so many nieces and nephews that a lot of them said a little something and were happy to do so.
Look around at the rest of your family and your Mothers friends and see if there is someone who is up to it.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Mary42

Condolonces about your mother. I wouldn't be worried about doing one if you don't feel up to it. I have been at loads of funerals where there hasn't been a eulogy and everyone realises the family were too upset to do one. Alternatively could one of your sisters do it? Or is there someone in the extended family (eg a sibling or niece or nephew) or a close friend who would like to do it?

I know I couldn't do it if it was one of my parents (am an only child and like you would probably be too choked at their funerals. Also am not a good public speaker at the best of times) but I have people in the extended family that I think would like to do it. When my aunt (single with no kids) died 2 years ago her nephew did a eulogy as the surviving sisters weren't up to it.

I was at a funeral last year where the dead girl's father started to give a eulogy and broke down half way through it and start to sob uncontrollably. It was very distressing for everyone in the church and some people in the congregation began to get upset themselves. I was at another funeral where the dead guy's uncle gave the eulogy instead of the parents or sisters and to be honest it was a nice idea.

My point is everyone would understand if you don't want to do it and also one of your sisters or someone in the extended family might like to do it.

junior_apollo

Deepest sympathy to you OP...

In my experiences with family funerals... (too many imo)... it is always very hard to the people who are so close to the person to do the eulogy... Although it is not mandatory it is quite common for a cousin, niece, nephew or similar to say a few words.. and if needed they usually get support from another member of family...

My cousin did the eulogy at my grandfathers mass, both myself and my brother were asked would we be able to (as we were to the closest of the extended family) but we were very young at the time and didnt think we could hold it together long enough to be honest...

Have a word with your sisters about it and maybe ye could come up with some candidates within the extended family that you would like to ask...

chuckles30

It's absolutely not expected and do no put yourself or your sisters under the pressure of doing unless you really feel you want to. As someone else said, if there's something that you want mentioned, say it to the priest and he'll mention it. When my dad died, we didn't do one. Sorry to hear about your loss.

Wantobe

I wouldn't think a eulogy is even very common so I definitely wouldnt think it would be expected.

Maybe a reading she liked or have a song played that she liked.

At my mothers funeral we had 'The Lord is My Shepard' because she liked that one. And a song was played that was very special to her. My brothers each read something- a reading or poem- and myself and my sister brought up the offering- a picture of our family because that was what meant the most to her.

cuckoo

I don't think i've ever been to a funeral where there has been an eulogy. Like other posters have said, you can speak to the priest if there is anything you would like them to say.

And, OP, nobody who attends the funeral will think that you don't care, or judge you - they're showing up due to their own sadness at your mother's death and to support you and the rest of your family.

If you and your sisters decide to send in memoriam cards you could write something personal then to be included in them if you like, but that can all be sorted out later.

Aurora Borealis

Grief is a deeply personal and individual thing. There are no rights and wrongs, no one way to act so no I don't think you should feel like you have to.

Hope you get through the day okay.

Sorry for your loss.

LegacyUser

All. Thank you so much for your kind replys. I have taken down some memories and will be giving to the minister (it's a Church of England funeral). One of my sisters is planning on saying a few personal words and the other will read a poem.

by8auj6csd3ioq

Very sorry for your loss. Sincere sympathy