Think I'm a lesbian

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

This message is very hard for me to write. I am a 22 year old female in love with my (female) best friend. We both love the great outdoors and our passion for all things nature brought us together. We go hiking etc. and spend so much time together that I think she might like me too. I'm just so unsure, I've never felt this way about a girl before. I think, no I'm sure now on reflection that I am a lesbian, my only anxiety is trying to figure out if my friend shares the same thoughts, feelings and emotions.

On the face of it, she might know I am. My interest in boys is fleeting and I wear dungarees and a lip ring (which although a stereotype is true in my case). In addition to this I am very sporty and what some would call 'butch' and yet she doesn't seem to mind all that despite being unlike me in that sense. We do flirt and have fun but its now getting me down and depressed. She is currently seeing a guy on and off, and has seen many guys in the past, all of them I have found problems with (Through jealousy I know).

I suppose what I'm asking is should I walk away or tell her?

Wagon

Tell her. It may be a bit more rare than the boy meets girl scenario, but the fundamental issues are the same. Your depressed because you love her and she might not have the same feelings back. So with that in mind, just tell her. If she says "yes" then happy days and if she says "no" then you have your answer and you'll probably have to take time apart to get over her. Many have been in the same situation before and friendships have ended and some have survived it. But you always come out better at the end. Good luck.

LegacyUser

OP tell her, as your friend, to confide in her, that you've 'discovered' these feelings. Dont in the one sentence, tell her its her you like.

Tell her you think your bi, youve been thinking long and hard about it. In 6 months you can confirm whether your full blown lesbian or not.

You coming out, might provoke her to come out, and if she doesnt and stays with the guys, at least you didnt lose your friendship.

miles teg

Tell her you're a lesbian first and see how she reacts to that. If she's ok with it, then consider telling her your feelings for her. take it slow

LegacyUser

She called me earlier asking if I wanted to go see a Rugby match with her at the weekend. I couldn't say yes even though I wanted to.

We're so close. Like sisters almost. We share the same clothes, bra's everyting. We bebo each other every 10 mins of our mobiles. She's such a big part of my life I don't think I could lose her.

I love everything about her, her dress sense (she wears dungarees too which I know is stereotyping but makes me think she's in denial) and her smell.

This is killing me

spurious

Why didn't you say yes to the rugby? I don't get that.
You must stand out in your dungarees. I've never met a lesbian that wore them - not since the early 80s.

KTRIC

I'd definitely agree with the whole coming out to her. Test the waters first and see what she thinks of you being a lesbian.

If she's ok with it break the news to her that you have feelings for her, but don't do it all together, its probably a bit much for someone to take in at once.

missyb

miles teg wrote: »

Tell her you're a lesbian first and see how she reacts to that. If she's ok with it, then consider telling her your feelings for her. take it slow

+ 1

LegacyUser

Tell her when your out hiking and you have the map...

She seems ok then its all good...if not tell her she can find her own way home

dory

Unregistered wrote: »

We bebo each other every 10 mins of our mobiles. She's such a big part of my life I don't think I could lose her.

This is killing me

First up, why communicate through Bebo? I never understood that. If yer using your mobiles, why not just text?

K, back on topic: you have to deal with your sexuality first. Do you want to talk to people? I know there's a gay board on this, but there are also totally gay message boards on which you could talk to people. Queer ID is an Irish one, and Curvemag.com is an American, lesbian one.

Then, once that's sorted you have to deal with your friend. As said already, tell her you're gay first, give her time. Her initial reaction might be different to what she feels in the long run. This is exactly how I got together with my ex. She had a feeling I may be gay too and went for it at a drunken houseparty. Not the best to do it drunkenly but it worked out for us.

Gone Drinking

dory wrote: »

First up, why communicate through Bebo? I never understood that. If yer using your mobiles, why not just text?

Because for some people, browsing certain internet sites is free. Therfore it doesn't cost anything to send messages to each other through bebo.

needhelpguy

I sympathise with you OP. It's a horrible situation to be in when you are so close to someone, have powerful feelings for them and yet you can't have them.

I think you need to deal with your sexuality first. Being gay is terrible cross to bear even just in these situations.

It comes down to the fact that you tell her you are gay, and eventually that you have feelings for her (dont say it right away) and have the prospect of loosing the friendship completely - OR - don't say anything, do not risk loosing your friendship and remain feeling so much for her.

It's up to you really, I've been in this situation a few times and it's torture. Due to fear I never say anything but each decision has its pros and cons.

AnonoBoy

I would definitely agree that you should come out to her first before you tell her it's her that you like.

There are two factors are play here. One is that you need her to accept that you're gay (which I'm sure she will since she's your friend). The other is you falling for her (which happens with straight friends just as much).

Test the water by coming out to her first. She how she responds. Don't dive straight in and tell her your feelings for her at the same time, it could well be too much for her to process in one sitting.

seanybiker

Unregistered wrote: »

She called me earlier asking if I wanted to go see a Rugby match with her at the weekend. I couldn't say yes even though I wanted to.

We're so close. Like sisters almost. We share the same clothes, bra's everyting. We bebo each other every 10 mins of our mobiles. She's such a big part of my life I don't think I could lose her.

I love everything about her, her dress sense (she wears dungarees too which I know is stereotyping but makes me think she's in denial) and her smell.

This is killing me

Why couldnt you say yes to the rugby match.
I think your best bet is to tell the girl you think you might be a lesbian, if she is such a god friend as you say she is then she will understand and be there for you. Its sad to see you are saying no to going to the rugby match just because you have these feelings about her. If you dont dont tell her soon then you will be cancelling alot more things which in the end may stop your friendships.

rainbow kirby

dory wrote: »

K, back on topic: you have to deal with your sexuality first. Do you want to talk to people? I know there's a gay board on this, but there are also totally gay message boards on which you could talk to people. Queer ID is an Irish one, and Curvemag.com is an American, lesbian one. .

AngryPotato is another Irish one, mostly girls as compared to QID which is mostly guys.

To the OP - really, you need to say *something*. It's just going to keep eating you up inside if you don't.

kraggy

Unregistered wrote: »

OP tell her, as your friend, to confide in her, that you've 'discovered' these feelings. Dont in the one sentence, tell her its her you like.

Tell her you think your bi, youve been thinking long and hard about it. In 6 months you can confirm whether your full blown lesbian or not.

You coming out, might provoke her to come out, and if she doesnt and stays with the guys, at least you didnt lose your friendship.

Bang on. That's what I'd do.

Monkey61

To be honest OP, there aren't really any signs - from what you have said anyway - that she's into you. I'd tell her that you think you might be gay and leave that some time to settle. There is a chance that she might be bi I suppose, but if she has constantly been dating guys through the entire friendship - she's probably not gay.

I've had this difficulty in the past, where I've been mad about female friends that I've been really close to. It's very easy to see what you want to see. Sometimes female friendships can just be very very close. It's easy to think that if you're so close and click so perfectly that it is something more for them - but often it's not. I was crazy about my best friend in college and couldn't believe that there wasn't something between us cos we were so well suited. But there really wasn't on her part anyway - she just thought I was amazing and wanted to be my best friend. Some people are naturally quite flirty anyway and it doesn't necessarily mean anything.

If she knows you are gay, then if she has any feelings towards girls, she will probably tell you, just cos you have been open with her. If this doesn't happen then you should probably just accept that she is only ever going to be your friend. Telling her you like her will probably ruin the friendship, at least in the meantime.

My gut instinct on this one is that nothing's going to happen though.

Good luck.

marie_85

Unregistered wrote: »

OP tell her, as your friend, to confide in her, that you've 'discovered' these feelings. Dont in the one sentence, tell her its her you like.

Tell her you think your bi, youve been thinking long and hard about it. In 6 months you can confirm whether your full blown lesbian or not.

You coming out, might provoke her to come out, and if she doesnt and stays with the guys, at least you didnt lose your friendship.

Please don't do that. If you want to break it to her 'gently', then you can mention you've been finding yourself attracted to women recently. But don't label yourself as bi if you're not. It's hard enough for bisexuality to be accepted as a valid sexual identity as it is without people deliberately using the label as a stepping stone to full blown lesbianism.

LegacyUser

You say you are gay but dont you think it would be a bit too much of a coincidence if your friend was gay too? I think it would be unlikely