Stuck in a rut...

LegacyUser

This is a first ever post so please bear with me, I dont even know where to start.

Im a 35 years old and I just feel life is completely passing me by. I used to consider myself pretty popular; had plenty of friends from home, college, work. But recently it feels like I don’t have same contact due to marriage, children etc (of friends, not me!). I do have interest and hobbies but no one to share these with.

I suppose part of the problem is Im single but I have a disability and find it hard to meet people in that regard. I used to think I was average looking but in past year I was sort of seeing someone for a couple of months (not a relationship but the closest Ive come to one) but the way it ended completely knocked my confidence.

I now feel unattractive, uninteresting and completely useless and I’m constantly telling meself this. Whereas previously I was relatively confident in social situations, this is no longer the case. My friends don’t seem to notice and I don’t think its worth making issue of it but surely there must be more to life than this.

Even reading this back I sound pathetic - it doesn’t sound like me, How do I get myself out of this rut?? Or do I need to learn to accept the situation?

LegacyUser

Hi There,

I am in a simlilar situation , similar age , average looks extremely lonely etc
,unlike you though I don't have a disabiltiy unless you count having bouts of sever bi-polar type depression a disability. I have made huge efforts to sociatlise sometimes even resorting to going out by my self inan effort to try and meet someone but getting nothing but in some cases very cruel knockbacks ,yes people can be ****s
I unfortunately am unable to offer much advice, except just to keep trying, keep trying new things, clubs , meeting people on the net. I don't know how restrictive your disability is , but I know there are forums or activities for almost everyone , if you look hard enough.
Also you have friends ( which is something I don't have ), you say that they don't seem to notice but sometimes friends need to be told straight as opposed to you just expecting then to notice and help out, if they really are friends they should make some sort of effort to help you discover new interests in the hope of meeting new people .
Perhaps you could arrange somesort of holiday or break away with them , again I don't
know how difficult it is for you to actually travel , but new surroundings and the chance
to meet new people could make you see things from a completely different perspective
Best of luck with everything , the important thing is not to feel like you have to "accept" your circumstances , you probably have it alot tougher than most but there's still alot of life
left to live , if you really want to . never ever give up. you may meet someone you may
not , but it isn't the be all and end all , there are sttill alot of other things to enjoy in life

Take care and best of luck

LolaDub

I'm sorry to hear you're both experiencing bad times. Please try to remember that everyone goes through rough times at different periods in their lives especially after relationships ending. Keeping up contact with friends and relatives is a great idea. I think it would be a good idea to talk to someone you can trust, if you feel you can't then save the number or the samaritans in your phone in case of lonely times. Boards have great social meet ups now, if you check the events forum there are two site wide meet ups next weekend, one is a comedy night and another is a singles mingle. Other forums have regular meet us which are very easy to get to meet new people at. Is there any place or any activity or friend that makes you feel good and smile? I have a spot in the dublin mountains that i always find cheers me up a bit, maybe you can think of some things you can do for yourself or places to go to that might perk you up a bit? I really hope you both feel better soon!

Samaritans : Phone: 1850 60 90 90
Email: jo@samaritans.org

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Im a 35 years old and I just feel life is completely passing me by. I used to consider myself pretty popular; had plenty of friends from home, college, work. But recently it feels like I don’t have same contact due to marriage, children etc (of friends, not me!). I do have interest and hobbies but no one to share these with.

I now feel unattractive, uninteresting and completely useless and I’m constantly telling meself this. Whereas previously I was relatively confident in social situations, this is no longer the case. My friends don’t seem to notice and I don’t think its worth making issue of it but surely there must be more to life than this.

Even reading this back I sound pathetic - it doesn’t sound like me, How do I get myself out of this rut?? Or do I need to learn to accept the situation?

As a single guy in my mid 30s I can relate to your problems with friends having kids and wives etc but if you've got interests and hobbies, then why not try to befriend people who have the same hobbies.

I took up a sport and have been at it for 2 years now - since joining a club, it has really opened up my social life. I have reduced the number of times I see my old boring friends and go away on weekends and short breaks with this new crew who have the same interest as me.... so I'd suggest that first call would be to seek out people interested in what you're interested in.

You don't sound pathetic but your situation might be (which it's not really). You have to stop talking so negatively to yourself - have read of The Feeling Good Handbook by Robert Burns which has a series of techniques on how to untwist your thinking. It's not unrealistic "think positive" bull, but practical measures on how to deal with it and to get you out of that rut.

Talk to your friends about it - I once told a friend that I missed going out with him as he always came out with his gf - I missed our chats and general banter. He hadn't realised and stopped bringing her out so often.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi There,

I am in a simlilar situation , similar age , average looks extremely lonely etc
,unlike you though I don't have a disabiltiy unless you count having bouts of sever bi-polar type depression a disability. I have made huge efforts to sociatlise sometimes even resorting to going out by my self inan effort to try and meet someone but getting nothing but in some cases very cruel knockbacks ,yes people can be ****s
I unfortunately am unable to offer much advice, except just to keep trying, keep trying new things, clubs , meeting people on the net. I don't know how restrictive your disability is , but I know there are forums or activities for almost everyone , if you look hard enough.
Also you have friends ( which is something I don't have ), you say that they don't seem to notice but sometimes friends need to be told straight as opposed to you just expecting then to notice and help out, if they really are friends they should make some sort of effort to help you discover new interests in the hope of meeting new people .
Perhaps you could arrange somesort of holiday or break away with them , again I don't
know how difficult it is for you to actually travel , but new surroundings and the chance
to meet new people could make you see things from a completely different perspective
Best of luck with everything , the important thing is not to feel like you have to "accept" your circumstances , you probably have it alot tougher than most but there's still alot of life
left to live , if you really want to . never ever give up. you may meet someone you may
not , but it isn't the be all and end all , there are sttill alot of other things to enjoy in life

Take care and best of luck

thanks I appreciate the reply. I use a wheelchair but I am quite independent have job, my own place, and I do travel regularly... I think its whats in my head thats holding me back more than anything physical...alot of dark thoughts....which was never like me before...I'd never be brave enough to go out by myself Anyway best of luck to you too

LegacyUser

Well I'm in similar situation also, single fem mid 30's and yes all my friends are married so my social nights out are limited. I also find it hard to mix with people I have never met before, I kinda stumble on my words and feel stupid then tend not to say anything which is disastrous.

I joined an online dating site, which in honesty isn't great at all, most guys just want a quick one in the back of the car, not proper dating.
Anyway that's enough bout my sh*t, can't give any advice but just thought to let you know your not alone in this situation.