To settle or search?

LegacyUser

A bit of background - I'm in my mid-thirties and have been in a steady relationship for just over 3 years. I'm engaged to my other half for about 14 months and we're due to get married next year. Things would seem to be ok.

The problem is that I don't love her, or at least if I do it sure doesn't feel like it, and I can't say that I show it in ways she could acknowledge. She is always planning things for me, buying me things, and generally looking after me. She really is very good to me and allows me to do more or less what I want with regards to sport as I'm very active. She is always supportive, always listens, and offers great opinions and interest in whatever I speak about.

I, on the other hand, don't really do any of the above. I'm very selfish of my time, rarely think of nice things for her, don't really provide a shoulder for her and get quite frustrated when she speaks of her issues (of which she's had many). I always thought I was a good listener but there's only so much listening I can do!! We always argue because of this, and I mean really argue, with both of us being more angry than with anyone or anything before.

Anyway, she treats me far better than I treat her, to the extent that I have gone along with the marriage thing because I know she would provide me with a good life and it would make her happy. What I've found myself asking is if a good life is what I want? As I mentioned, I don't love her, but I am very fond of her. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with her and would hate to be without her. I don't care about marriage - I'm not into it and if it were my choice I wouldn't do it, but both of us are in this and it's a joint decision. I think perhaps I'm afraid of committing to her in case I bump into someone that I have stronger feelings for somewhere down the line.

So, I have to decide whether to live a comfortable if perhaps slightly unfulfilling life with her, or whether to ditch the relative comfort of that life and hold out for something with a bit more feeling in it, something that I would really care about being a part of, breaking her heart in the process.

Nevyn

Get out now and stop wasting her time, esp if she wants to get married and have kids.

abi2007

I agree... if you don't love her you won't be happy. Breaking up with my x was the best thing i ever did. We have a kid together and we had to sell our house.. for the first year i wondered what the hell did i do.. now i'm much happier, little lonely sometimes but very happy. I'm glad i didn't settle cause married or not you will always feel like should i leave or not. The longer you take to make the decision the worse it will be.

Karen_*

Thaedydal wrote: »

Get out now and stop wasting her time, esp if she wants to get married and have kids.

+1

Your girlfriend does not want to be with someone who doesn't love her. So let her find someone else. She certainly deserves it. And you deserve to be happy too. And you won't be with someone you don't love.

AnonoBoy

Too many people in this country used to marry people they didn't love because they thought they had to be married. In this day anda ge there's not that pressure anymore (or there shouldn't be).

Don't get married to someone just because you feel like you should 'go along' with it.

You'll regret it. And she'll regret it.

TheZohanS

If you don't love her do both yourself and her a favour and walk away.

But chances if you do break up you'll be back on here in a few months asking how you can get her back and wondering how you could have been so stupid to let a great girl go.

Far away fields are always greener and most of us guys never really realise how much we care about someone 'til they're gone.

lester76

TheZohan wrote: »

If you don't love her to both yourself and her a favour and walk away.

But chances if you do break up you'll be back on here in a few months asking how you can get her back and wondering how you could have been so stupid to let a great girl go.

Far away fields are always greener and most of us guys never really realise how much we care about someone 'til they're gone.

+1

Curvy Vixen

Decisiontime wrote: »

I'm very selfish of my time, rarely think of nice things for her, don't really provide a shoulder for her and get quite frustrated when she speaks of her issues (of which she's had many). I always thought I was a good listener but there's only so much listening I can do!! We always argue because of this, and I mean really argue, with both of us being more angry than with anyone or anything before.

Anyway, she treats me far better than I treat her, to the extent that I have gone along with the marriage thing because I know she would provide me with a good life and it would make her happy. What I've found myself asking is if a good life is what I want? As I mentioned, I don't love her, but I am very fond of her. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with her and would hate to be without her. I don't care about marriage - I'm not into it and if it were my choice I wouldn't do it, but both of us are in this and it's a joint decision. I think perhaps I'm afraid of committing to her in case I bump into someone that I have stronger feelings for somewhere down the line.

So, I have to decide whether to live a comfortable if perhaps slightly unfulfilling life with her, or whether to ditch the relative comfort of that life and hold out for something with a bit more feeling in it, something that I would really care about being a part of, breaking her heart in the process.

Well that's not true OP because she doesn't make you happy now does she? What she does is she leaves you to your own devices and provides a maid/mother/shagging service on tap for when you need it.

If you aren't happy now then add in maybe a huge mortgage, couple of screaming kids, redundancy, old age, whatever, and see how the strain of your marriage holds up.

Do yourself but more her a favour and walk away. Better you break up now, give her time to hate you and then start afresh than in 10 years time..

Aloysius Flyte

You can't marry someone that you don't love.

Its wrong on so many levels.

If you truely do care about her, then don't you think that she has the right to be with someone who truely does love her and cherish her and wants to make her happy?

Do the right thing for everyone involved and finish it

Rigor Mortis

This might seem like a crazy idea, but i think as an alternative, maybe take a break, go away, see if you can engineer time some serious time apart.

Its just possible that you have gotten to used to having her there and maybe if she wasnt you would realise that you feel more strongly about her.

Im only suggesting this course of action because sometimes we forget that things are pretty special and its only when we lose it that we realise the mistake we have made.

good luck op

LolaDub

This girl sounds very caring and loving. I think she deserves to find someone who can be the same for her. If you can't be that person then she deserves to know.

LegacyUser

Tricky...

Myself and the girlfriend have just broken up. I treated her pretty much the same way.

But now I find myself lost without her, realising that I actually love her.
Willing to do anything for her.

A break is what you need to assess the situation.

But how you go about engineering one is up to you.

Cupcake_Crisis

if you genuinely dont love her then marrying her would be extremely unfair!!
you cant marry someone your just fond of, its ridiculous!
she sounds like a lovely girl, and your going to cause her a lot of pain.
if you think you can find someone better then your relationship clearly isnt one that should be headed down the isle.
its better you walk away now so neither of you have a failed marriage under youe belt.

metrovelvet

Sounds like she doesnt challenge you and you're bored. I'd be the same way if someone met all my needs, and mistake the boredom for not loving them.

democrates

Absolutely no way you should marry her in that frame of mind unless she fully understands what she's committing to, would you want your sister if you have one or future daughter if you're blessed with one to marry a guy who had that attitude?

She has you so spoiled it's like you're dozing off in a big comfortable chair, you need something to wake yourself up and start feeling again. Try this dose of perspective, how would you feel if something really bad happened to her? Would you be at her graveside thinking "ah look, I was fond of that one" as they lower her unloved lifeless body into the black hole?

You need to learn to respect and admire her for her comittment to you, and cherish her for that gift. I'm staggered and outraged to read such a casual approach to the deepest needs of such a good woman. Your lack of reciprocation has her on her back foot trying anything and everything to please you, it's nothing short of abuse even if you haven't consciously manipulated that outcome. God help the poor girl if you don't wake up from this spoled juvenile malaise I hope she meets someone that treats her right and loves her as she deserves.

Disgusted.

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote: »

Sounds like she doesnt challenge you and you're bored.

IMHO the numero uno reason people leave relationships. It may be described in all sorts of ways, falling out of love, never loved them really, spark gone/not there, I'm not happy anymore etc. The list is long, but IMHO theyre all masks for the true reason. It comes down to boredom. As metrovelvet wrote usually from lack of challenge. You know you have her. You know she won't leave you and will do anything for you. Logically you would think that's a good thing, but in my experience people are not obviously logical in matters of the heart.

There's no challenge if you're not somewhere deep down afraid to lose them.

I would also add it's not her job to make you happy. It's yours. She appears to be doing things right, yet you don't think you love her. Can you define love? Do you actually know what you want? Many dont in fairness, but its a question I would be asking of myself or you will be back here in 6 months wondering how to get her back. Mostly because she has done the thing you think you can rely on now, leave you and move on.

As for the idea you cant marry someone you're not in love with. Yes I agree, but only partially. Too many marry or stay in relationships, entirely because of what their heart(and loins) tell them. A truly good healthy long termer requires matters of the head being involved too.

JackieO

Wibbs wrote: »

There's no challenge if you're not somewhere deep down afraid to lose them.

So true. Without this challenge you'll naturally take advantage of your partner as you sub-consciously know that you can push their boundaries and get away with it. This type of relationship will quickly turn into loathing.

Get out before its too late. You'll be doing her a massive favour in the long run. Both of you deserve to be in a better relationship.