Speeding towards despair and I'm so afraid.

LegacyUser

I'm 20, a recovering depressive, and in my final year of my degree. This is a long post so I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. I have overcome severe clinical depression and finally stopped my meds over a year ago. I've had periods of difficulty since but I'm proud to say I managed to work through it. I used to also be a bad drunk when out, emotional and angry. I'm glad to say I've learnt how to drink sensibly now. I have good friends and I'm reasonably attractive looking, I'm told. I look to the outside world like I'm alright.

I used to be a straight A student but my moods got so bad for about 2 years that I couldn't get out of bed, and didn't care, and now I'm stuck applying for jobs in my chosen field with a barely average degree. The recession has hit hard and the number of jobs in my field is quarter what it was. I can't even get an interview. Meanwhile, my closest friends and housemates are all in accountancy, and have managed, every last one of them, to get contracts with great firms in Dublin for next year. They're planning a trip to Asia for the summer. They have their lives on track. And I'm truly happy for them. But its hard to be around. We all lived in Dublin for a college work placement for most of this year and loved it. And now they'll all be going back to that. And where will I be? I have no idea what else can be done with my degree, I can't see myself being accepted to any postgrad, and I certainly won't afford Dublin living. I can't jet off for the summer with nothing secure to go back to.

Also, having been single for over a year, I began to see, date, whatever you would call it, someone wonderful a few months ago. He was someone I'd known for a while and it really developed from a friendship to more. I really let myself get my hopes up, as I had been quite lonely and I felt I had found someone I clicked with. He had some commitment issues from the beginning and eventually cheated on me and now I'm left seeing him around college every day, still wishing it could have developed differently, despite his actions, and I'm so hung up on him that I really don't have any interest in other guys.

Which I realise is ridiculous after only a few months but I never claimed to think my feelings on this were sensible. I don't even dislike him. I know he feels bad for letting me down. I know we can't really be a couple. But I miss just having him around, his presence made me happy, and even though I've seen him kiss other girls, I can't get over it and sort of secretly live in hope that I can just kiss him again, even though I know thats idiotic.

Anyway, the crux of my issue is that this has led to another episode. And this time I have no positivity or future to look forward to, to focus on in order to be positive. I look at my life and I panic. I study all day every day to improve a degree with which in the current economic climate I can do absolutely nothing that appeals to me. I go out at night, see guys try to come on to me and I stare at the floor or hide in a bathroom for a while because I find that situation awkward and unwelcome. I see this guy I had been seeing around and it emphasises the loneliness I feel at night. The insomnia I suffered from during my worse depression has returned. I hear my housemates excitedly discussing contracts and flights and I hide in my room watching films to get my mind off it all. I'm not becoming a hermit by any means, I still go out plenty and have a great relationship with my housemates and friends. But I can feel it happening. I actually thought about cutting myself (a disgusting habit I developed back in the dark days) the other day. I didn't do it, but even to have had the thought occur to me terrifies me.

I can't talk to my friends - some of them are new and I really don't want this aspect of my past to become an issue or anything. My older friends had to deal with some bad times last time, and while I'm grateful to them for sticking by me, it tested us and I don't think those friendships would survive it rearing its ugly head again. I hated taking the antidepressents, they were like a daily reminder of my issues. My poor parents were so good to me, taking me to doctors and shrinks and I really couldn't put them through any more. I hated shrinks, as talking about my feelings is not something I can do easily. I don't think they helped, I think my own self discipline in keeping positive is what saved me. But I'm slipping. I see no hope. And I need... I don't know what I need. Help? Please?

Karen_*

I haven't got any great advice to give you other than to hang in there. There's loads of people feeling lonely like you are and without anything fab due to happen in the near or distant future. When that happens its hard to feel great about yourself and about life but remember that nothing stays the same. It won't always be like this.

You're probably in counselling but if you're not then maybe that would be a good place to start? Having someone to listen to you and to be able to bounce things off can really help.

Don't let thoughts terrify you. They are only thoughts and not actions and we all have mad thoughts at times. I know I do. Thinking about cutting yourself is just reminding you of a time when you'd do that. But you're not that person anymore. You've come a long way. I think with all you've been through you should be taking it easy and being gentle with yourself. And you know better about the situation but I think that if you've nothing secure to come back to then what is holding you back heading off like you're friends? Go for it and have a great time!

And as for the guy. You don't want someone with commitment issues! You are lonely because its nice to have someone and to get hugs etc. And you'll have that but forget about him as best you can. What might have been didn't happen but it will. With someone even bettter.

LegacyUser

never posted here before but felt i had to say something because you genuinely sound like an intelligent, decent interesting person. i know depression is a complicated condition but you have to stop looking too far ahead and at the same time stop concentrating on what everyone else is up to. you have friends, guys are interested in you, your family looks out for you, you're getting an education - all of which points to a good life but you have to accept that things will never be perfect and it's rare that every aspect of yur life will be the way you want it at any given time. focus on one thing at a time i.e. keep studying if you want to improve your degree or go out and let guys chat you up if you want to move on and find love.

hope it all works out for you.

LegacyUser

you poor thing,feeling depressed is horrible and i know what its like,4 years ago i was like you..i felt i had nobody in the world who understood me,i had a great partner but i had serious trust issues from previous relationships and ruined things,i found out i was pregnant and we worked things out,i still lived at home and had no job..no prospects!and now i was bringing a child in2 the world life was getting me down,to top it off my father was an alcoholic and after having the baby police had to be called several times because he would abuse my mam,my partner got me out of that mess and we started renting and i got a part time job and starting meeting new people..it was great,we now have a house and another child on the way and life couldnt be better,hang in there my partner used to always say to me"things wil work out in the end"and they did,they really did even though i couldnt see it at the time xxxx good luck

LegacyUser

Had to respond as well. I've had a few bouts of depression as well. The killer is not being able to sleep, for which I used to drink which just created a vicious circle. The only advice I can give you for getting asleep is to exercise a lot to tire yourself out. Exercise is good for your mental state also.

It is difficult for you, having to see him everyday. But you just have to avoid him where you can. The only way that you can forget about him is to have no contact. "Friends" never works as one side usually wants more. Not to belittle your feelings for the guy, but depression seems to feed on whatever happens to be on your mind, and exaggerates the thing out of all reasonable proportion.

When I think of some of the things I've done, and now regret, because with depression I had a distorted perception of the importance of things.

LegacyUser

if every life we have some trouble, when we worry, we make it double,
so don't worry, be happy,
when you worry your face will frown and that will get everybody down,
so don't worry, be happy...

don't compare yourself too much with all the 'successful' people around you.
everyone has their ups and downs. just try to get back on the up.

the most successful person in the world is the one who has learned to be happy in any situation. the one who can look herself in the mirror and smile with the joy of life!

every day has a new opportunity waiting to be discovered. if you hide in your room and watch movies, this issue will just grow and grow in your subconscious. go out, explore!

deal with it now! take you mind of things by experiencing nature. nothing will put you back in your place in the world better than seeing a little squirrel collecting nuts for the winter.

on my travels i have met so many wonderful people. it's all about positive mental attitude.
we just need to get from one day to the next. that's life. if u find an opportunity that will make your life easier - take it! dont miss any opportunity by being negative all the time. one of those guys approaching you could be the man of your dreams if you only gave him a chance. don't hide from opportunity. go and look for something that you really want!

so many people in this world have none of the opportunities you have. they would do anything to be living in ireland, going to college, nightclubs, movies. they make their own life with the simple things they have around them. at the end of the day, they will never have any of the things you consider a 'success'. should they be depressed too?

you don't have so many responsibilities right now. you're working hard at your degree, that's great! but other than that? nothing. you're a single independent woman. enjoy it!

midlandsmissus

Dear despairing,

I have looked at your mail, and decided that there is alot of value to your life.

1)You have overcome clinical depression. This is an amazing thing for you to do. I know people with clinincal depression and I know how hard it is to get off their meds. Dont sell yourself short: You have achieved something huge here.

2) You have a degree. You say it is average grade. I left college a few years ago and in my experience employers don't care if you have a 1.1, 2.1. or 2.2. They put too much emphasis on this in college, when employers really don't care at all. AS long as you have completed it, that's all they look for.

The solution to getting a job is to: MOVE FOR WORK. It is hard to get a job when you are straight out of college, recession or no recession. In order to get experience most people move for work. You can then come back to where you want to live once you have the invaluable experience. What about England, Northern Ireland, anywhere in the E.U.? It is easy to move to work.

Also, having been single for over a year, I began to see, date, whatever you would call it, someone wonderful a few months ago. He was someone I'd known for a while and it really developed from a friendship to more. I really let myself get my hopes up, as I had been quite lonely and I felt I had found someone I clicked with. He had some commitment issues from the beginning and eventually cheated on me and now I'm left seeing him around college every day, still wishing it could have developed differently, despite his actions, and I'm so hung up on him that I really don't have any interest in other guys.

Which I realise is ridiculous after only a few months but I never claimed to think my feelings on this were sensible. I don't even dislike him. I know he feels bad for letting me down. I know we can't really be a couple. But I miss just having him around, his presence made me happy, and even though I've seen him kiss other girls, I can't get over it and sort of secretly live in hope that I can just kiss him again, even though I know thats idiotic.

This happens to all of us. You will get over him, believe me, it'll just take you a little while, and even though you think yuo don't have any interest in anyone else: the best way to get over some-one is to get involved with some-one else. Get out and join clubs and stuff, not your usual social circle, and the minute you see some-one you remotely fancy, you will be halfway to getting over this other dude!

Hope this is some help. PM me if you ever want any advice on anything, I'd be glad to help!