Involuntary holidays with ex

Poubelle

Ok so my ex and I went out for over six years and have been broken up for 2 ½ years. We have mutual friends but as the ex lives in the UK we have only seen each other twice since breaking up, we have sporadic facebook communication but pretty much are not in contact with each other.

My group of friends were organising a skiing holiday and it was at one point mentioned that my ex was interested in coming skiing too, I passed very little heed on this as I didn’t think anything would come of it. One friend in the group booked the trip so I just passed on my money and was all excited about the holiday. To be honest I had presumed that as I hadn’t heard anything further about it, that the ex was not coming on the trip.

But in the pub last night, we were messing about and one of the lads said ‘haha well at least I’m not going on holiday with my ex’ to which I replied what? And then everyone was like oh did you not know. So I was a bit of shock and didn’t really say anything more. But on letting the information kick in I’m at a total loss as to how I’m supposed to feel about this. It’s a bit weird going on holidays for a full week with your ex, who you aren’t really in contact with. To complicate matters further, one of the other friends in the group (who used to pretty much be my ex’s best friend in college) and I have kissed a few times during the past summer. So I am now going on holidays with both of them!

Apparently the ex booked the trip a few days after the rest of the group and yet no-one mentioned it to me in the three weeks since then, so I’m a bit hurt that I found out while in the pub and had no come back because it was a total shock. At no point either has the ex contacted me and said even in a jovial manner, are you all set for skiing or something to touch base about the whole thing…. Although possibly the ex is expecting that I make the contact, presuming that I actually knew about this.

I can’t get out of the holiday as I’ve paid and more to the point want to go. The group are more my friends than the ex’s now at this stage, as I see them regularly and we were on another holiday together this summer. In fact there are a few people on this trip who the ex doesn’t even know.

Maybe it seems like I have nothing to complain about, I know its not the end of the world, but it feels like a little of the sheen of excitement of the holiday has been replaced with worry, I wont relax and enjoy the trip as much now.

mikemac

This might seem pedantic and unhelpful but any chance you can edit it into paragraphs.
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Aloysius Flyte

You've broken up 2.5 years. You seem to have moved on, especially since you've got it on with his best friend (which clearly you feel bad about)

All your ex wants to do is go on holidays with his mates. What's the problem?

When you break up with someone, you can't claim ownership on friends, even by geography.

Go, have fun. If it's a big crowd, you might not have to spend too much time in your ex's company. Even if you do, you might even get on, hey you were together for long enough and since it's been over 2 years, any anger/resentment should have long passed.

Go and enjoy a holiday and stop stressing about it

Poubelle

There was never any anger or resentment following the breakup and we do get on fine since then. I dont claim ownership of friends at all and in fact encourage our mutual friends to stay in touch but to be honest he is only really in touch with one person in the whole group so it seems a little strange he would want to go on holiday with me anyway. I mean I knew we would cross paths again, weddings of friends, parties, etc but I never thought that I would be spending a whole week in his company worrying about how crap I look, or making sure I dont do anything stupid in his presence.

Thanks though, Im just a bit confused about the whole thing and wish that someone had just said hey are you cool if he comes and then let me know when it was definate.

Silverfish

Poubelle wrote: »

I never thought that I would be spending a whole week in his company worrying about how crap I look, or making sure I dont do anything stupid in his presence.

After 2.5 years, why would you care? Are you still interested or hoping you get back together?

Storm_rages

Well seeing as its a ski holiday you will be kept busy! and if there is a large group going you will have plenty of other people to chat too.

Of course its going to be a bit weird and its not ideal. But hold your head up and have a blast..

Poubelle

Christ No! Im not hoping to get back together at all. Its just I know Im going to feel self-conscious in his presence, ridiculous I know but I just will, and that will not bode well for a relaxing break!

The fact that its a skiing holiday has been argued to me, because he will be a total learner, whereas Ive been once before (although Im momumentally crap). Sort of irrelevant though I think.

I know Ill probably enjoy it when Im there, but Im a total stressmonger so am going to spend the next few weeks freaking out about this. Which, I realise is utterly pointless.

tannytantans

How many of you are going?If it's a big group u probably won't have to speak to him much at all - just be polite and hang around with your friends and have fun.

Things might seem awkward at first but you're both there to have a good time so just relax and don't let it ruin the trip!He could be feeling the same way.

Poubelle

There are eight of us going in total, four of whom my ex doesnt know at all. I doubt he has given the whole thing much thought, he is quite good at suiting himself.

Meh Im sure it will be fine, I just hate the fact that after so long I still get this wound up about it. It would just have been easier if he wasnt going, or I wasnt going.

Aloysius Flyte

Wouldn't it be far worse if he chose not to go because he knew that you were going?

At least he's happy to spend time with you albeit in a group.

Maybe you can actually be friends.

NewFrockTuesday

I have to say I disagree with alot of the advice given so far.

How mant times in threads is the advice given to move on and cut contact. Exs are ex for a reason....whether its a civilised break up or not. If ye have only had sporadic contact sonce the breakup, I think it will be awkward on holidays and of course youre going to feel self concious. Tbh, I wouldnt bother going on the holiday. And it seems very losely organised if you only found out when all the arrangements have been made. Had the organiser not the consideration to tell you before last night that he was going? And then to make a comment like that? I wouldnt be very happy with the friends, I can tell you that.



Why not ring him and see how he feels about it? Seeing as youre going to be stuck with him (not a great choice of words I know) for a week, might be good to have a quick chat first so that its not all airport awkwardness.

Poubelle

Aloysius Flyte wrote: »

At least he's happy to spend time with you albeit in a group.
quote]

Well thing is no one stopped to ask me if I was happy to spend time with him or not and to be honest, if I had been given the choice I would rather not.

Thanks Deepsense for your reply too, I am a bit hurt by my friends not telling me sooner, or running the idea past me. The person who made the bookings is one of the group who doesnt know my ex at all, so its defo not her fault she just did what she was asked, to add another person onto the booking. The guy who made the comment slagging me thought I knew, and under normal circumstances I can take that kind of slagging banter.

The person who I thought would have told me (and whom everyone else thought wouldve told me) is the mutual best friend, Im just really suprised he didnt think to let me know. I rang him late last night (cos I couldnt sleep after the whole thing) to talk about it cos I didnt want to chat about it in front of everyone else. Feck it, I dont know!! Dramadrama.

Cant ring the ex cos I dont even have his number....

Aloysius Flyte

I'm sorry OP but something isn't adding up.

You say it ended well, no animosity, no anger. Its been 2.5 years, you've moved on, he seems to have also.

But you are annoyed that the only person, who connects the two of you didn't let you know about it? Well maybe, your ex's friend is feeling bad about fooling around with you? Maybe since your break-up as you say was easy he didn't think it would be an ussye? Maybe he's better friends with your ex than you and doesn't see why you have to be told? Maybe he's just a bloke who takes things at face value who believes it when you say you are over him and believes your ex also.

And if you are worried about looking foolish in front of your ex, well I'd imagine he's not going to be looking too hot in beginners class

NewFrockTuesday

I'm sorry OP but something isn't adding up.

Agreed.

Youve been fooling around with the person whos organising the hol? Am I correct in reading that? And he doesnt bother to tell you? And hes the guys mate and you wouldnt think to get his number from him?

HHhhhmmm.....whats that smell?

Lollipops23

Hmm, OP i think there's nothing sinister going on here-you broke up 2 and a half years ago, i'd say your friends just thought you'd both be over it by now!!why shouldn't she be able to go on holiday with the group?especially when she lives so far away!
however, i would have thought they'd think to tell you...i mean that's just courtesy!

ergo

to the OP

myself and an ex broke up 7 years ago after a 5 year relationship, it was a little amicable but there was a lot of hurt initially but since then we have (by chance) ended up working together (or in the same workplace) for a while and I've met her at mutual friends' 30ths etc and it's been grand in those brief situations (but awkward if there was another girl , say that I wanted to chat to etc..)

I'd really not want to go on a ski holiday with her

If this had happened to me I'd ask the organiser if there was any way money could be gotten back, if so maybe contact the ex and explain how you feel, you're supposed to enjoy a holiday, even SEVEN years on I wouldn't enjoy that experience I think

if there's no possibility of a refund then I think you're stuck with it and I suppose 8 is a big enough group to be able to avoid a person but at the same time it's far from ideal and I feel for you

Motley Crue

Are you guys 15 or 25....I mean, depending on how much maturity you have, I am sure there should be no problem having a fun holiday. It might be arkward for an initial 15 minutes but who hasn't spent an arkward moment with a girl they once shagged...:pac:

Sleepy

Poubelle wrote: »

Feck it, I dont know!! Dramadrama.

The only one creating drama is you.

Chill out. Relax. Enjoy the holiday and don't make issue of the fact the guy is your ex or you'll ruin everyone's holiday.

Katgurl

no way would i be going on holiday with an ex if he was an ex that made me feel self-conscious. suss things out with the mutual friend if you could refund money, explain you're not happy wiht it. then call the ex yourself and say its all just a bit weird and while you're not harbouring any grudges you would feel uncomfortable spending an entire week together.

Poubelle

Sorry if what I wrote didnt seem clear, but Im not exactly making this stuff up. The guy who is my ex's sort of best friend did not organise the holiday but he did organise that my ex was coming and no he didnt tell me about it until I found out in the pub from someone else. I could absolutely ask that guy for my ex's number but to date have had no need/desire to contact my ex and thats why I dont have his number. The ex still has mine as I havent changed it.

This guy has apologised for not telling me and said that he wont let me pull out of the trip but will tell the ex he cant come if thats what I want. Now there is no way I would do that, I couldnt tell someone they cant come on a holiday. While I am freaking out a bit about this Im not a total bitch. Although my friend is indeed a guy taking things at face value and might have thought it wouldnt have been a problem, at the same time he was the one who picked up the pieces after my ex broke up with me (in fact my ex sent him over the evening of the breakup to make sure I was ok) and knows how hard it was for me to get over the whole thing (I do accept that getting over the ex is my problem and trust me I made the best effort I could back then but you cant force your heart to feel differently before its ready to.)

Apart from that, thank you to everyone who gave advice on this. I just felt I had to get neutral advice on things (plus none of the rest of my group of friends know about the random daliance with the ex's best friend so I couldnt tell them the whole story). I guess it doesnt matter anyway as I have to make the choice by myself to either grin & bear the situation and try to enjoy the holiday or just not go at all. Thanks again,

Poubelle