The in-laws!!!!!!!!!!!!

LegacyUser

ok this is the story so far....

me and my OH together for 3 and half years, love him to bits, he the one and we planning get engaged in the next year or so, we 24 and 25 and living together over 2 years and very very happy, well except for one thing.....

his family seem to have a problem with me. I have always been very very nice and friendly to them since day one, but im from a different part of the country than them and dont really have much in common with them. i've taken his little sister shopping numerous times and alway made an effort with them, giving them all gifts at christmas and they'll give me presents back but its just out of politeness.

the problem is that they dont want me to fit in with them!! yea they are always nice and polite with me but they keep me at arms length, ive not been asked to a few family things that other gfs and bfs have been and the excuse has been "oh we thought she was working" or "it was supposed to be family only and the other gf and bf just arrived anyway". utter crap!!! and my OH never questions this, just accepts what they say and keeps the peace.

for the past year or so we have been living about 20mins drive from his homeplace (before that we were living about 2 hours away), not once have they been over to visit. they have passed our door more times than i can count and they have never called in and its getting to me more and more. before me and my OH met, they called over to him every couple of months and since we got together they have never been over. so its obviously something to do with me.

My OH brother, lets call him Mick has had a problem with me from the start and he never tried to hide it. well mick had met me a few times and then spotted me in town giving a guy a hug and a kiss on the cheek and he rang my OH straightaway and said i was cheating. But the guy is my best mate who is openly gay and when mick described what he looked like my OH told him that it was just my gay mate. But after that he never liked me. Mick is god in his family and they all listen to what he says and does and i know that he constantly gives out about me to the rest of the family and i reckon they are all listening to what he says. i have tried to be nice to mick but now i dont make an effort anymore as im sick of him. trouble is nearly evrytime i go visiting inlaws he's there and then i get so angry coz he such a w**ker that i go very quiet coz i have a temper and i know some day i'll explode!!!!

as it is now i hate going over to visit. but i have to. my oh says "oh they like you" and "dont worry" but he is just trying to keep the peace. he wont ask them if they have a problem with me as he doesnt want confrontation with them. last few times we visited i was in tears on the way back i felt so down about everything.

if me and my OH are going to spend the rest of our lives together, this needs to be sorted. i dont know how to fix this, i want to be a part of the family like the others are but i dont know what to do. i dont want to cause any bad feelings between my OH and his family either

any advice would be really helpful. anyone ever in this situation??

Lollipops23

fedupofhowitis wrote: »

as it is now i hate going over to visit. but i have to. my oh says "oh they like you" and "dont worry" but he is just trying to keep the peace. he wont ask them if they have a problem with me as he doesnt want confrontation with them. last few times we visited i was in tears on the way back i felt so down about everything.

if it's as bad as you're describing then he needs to stand up to his bro....the guy obviously doesn't like you and that's ok,but he can't go on badmouthing you to anyone who'll listen!!!not cool!tell your OH to grow a pair and start defending you.

Grawns

Just ignore them and refuse to go to anymore family things. Don't bother trying to be nice to people who aren't nice to you. It's a total waste of time. My grandmother ( dads mum) was always horrible to my mother but my dad took her side and my gran ruined her relationship with her only son. Look to your partner, it's up to him to defend and support you.

The only thing you can do about it, is ask your partner for support in away from them.
If you keep going the way you are, you may well end up resenting him for lacking the courage to stand up for you.

Reesy

Lollipops23 wrote: »

if it's as bad as you're describing then he needs to stand up to his bro....the guy obviously doesn't like you and that's ok,but he can't go on badmouthing you to anyone who'll listen!!!not cool!tell your OH to grow a pair and start defending you.

+1. It's your OH's responsibility to address this, primarily. You shouldn't have to carry this load. Lay it on the line with your OH & get him to take responsibility.

Good luck.

Oryx

Some families are incredibly non-touchy feely, and standoffish. You could have an element of that here which is aggravating the situation. But from what you have said, this guy Mick seems to be your main problem. What he is doing is bullying you. So dont let him wear you down. If he is family favourite I see nothing to be gained by confronting him, but yeah, like youve been doing, completely ignore him. The rest of the family sound like they need time to know you more and to shrug off the influence he has had. That means spending time in their company, as a strong couple with your bf. They need to see you and your bf showing a united front. Im not saying he should cause hassle with his family, but he should make sure you come to family events, invited or not (you said another gf did that!). HE should directly ask his parents to call around for something specific. Dinner maybe. Get them on your turf, and get to know them better. Show them that in spite of what Mick has said, you are not evil. And that too, will emphasise your unity with your bf to them.

The best form of defence is attack. But by that I dont mean confrontation. I mean be the one issuing invites. Call to them. Move into their space instead of waiting to be asked to things they have planned. Phone to ask how x situation or person is. Know whats going on with them and make yourself part of their lives.

If you come up against a brick wall, and they continue to resent you, well then thats when you consider cutting ties. But I dont see that yet.

daisybelle2008

fedupofhowitis wrote: »

trouble is nearly evrytime i go visiting inlaws he's there and then i get so angry coz he such a w**ker that i go very quiet coz i have a temper and i know some day i'll explode!!!!

as it is now i hate going over to visit. but i have to.

Hi Op, First I really agree with Oryx. What you say above is that you are feeding into the brothers hands by going all quiet and containing hostility when you visit. I am sure you are giving off a negative vibe that the brother is using to put you in bad light.
I would take control and start a charm offensive with his family and brother. His brother will look like an idiot. Xmas is a great time to invite them over and charm the ass of them. Any reason is good....new kitchen/sofa whatever. Be miss friendly and bubbly and win them over.

What I think you will find is that the atmosphere lifts and you all end up getting on better and your OH is not getting caught in the middle.
I think it would be a very bad idea for him to confront the family about the situation. It will look like you are creating battlelines and might get their backs up more.

It will be hard to swallow your pride and be nice to the a*shole brother but honestly you might be surprised how the situation changes for the better.
One of my ex's brother hated me at first (he thought I was after a visa :rolleyes:)...but I ended up getting on brilliantly with him in the end. I am still in touch with his family 15 years later.

If you put yourself in the positon of being able to fix this yourself by using your own charm and personality. See it as a little goal....

tannytantans

My boyfriends family are pretty much the same. His sisters really don't like me (he's the baby so they're very protective and criticise everything i do)

I just try to ignore them and be as pleasant as possible to them. That way they can't say I don't make an effort.

Get your OH to have a quiet word with Mick saying he's not impressed with his behaviour. You should try to be as nice as possible to the rest of the family though as it looks like you could be stuck with them forever!

Rowley Birkin QC

What does the issue stem from OP?

I know my gf is from a different country and if any of my family or friends made her feel like you do they would swiftly be put in their place by me.

I think your boyfriend needs to take the lead here, either that or just don't go to any family functions anymore, not worth the hassle.

unhappycamper

Hmmm. It is the families issues not yours.

Nevyn

It could well be that they have been burnt before by getting attched to one of the partners of thier kids and now wait and se if you are going to last more then two years.

Rowley Birkin QC

Thaedydal wrote: »

It could well be that they have been burnt before by getting attched to one of the partners of thier kids and now wait and se if you are going to last more then two years.

Still no excuse to make the OP feel the way she does though. Horrible not to be made welcome tbh.

Is there inheritance/land involved OP??

dresden8

fedupofhowitis wrote: »

as it is now i hate going over to visit. but i have to.

No, no you don't. When the OH asks why, give him both barrels, stand up for you with his family, or this is the way it's going to be.

He stands up to you or he stands up to them. At least you'll know.

Hrududu

I'd do things like inviting his parents over for Sunday dinner, or heading off shopping again with his sister. Just take things slowly and let them get to know you. By inviting them over you also get to spend time with them with no Mick around. It does sound like he is poisoning them against you a bit. But after all of this if they are still determined not to like you then just stop bothering. Don't go round to visit, put up with them for your BF's sake but they really don't need to be a big part of your life.

Rowley Birkin QC

Hrududu wrote: »

I Just take things slowly and let them get to know you.

They have been going out for 2 years.

dresden8

Hrududu wrote: »

I'd do things like inviting his parents over for Sunday dinner, or heading off shopping again with his sister. Just take things slowly and let them get to know you. By inviting them over you also get to spend time with them with no Mick around. It does sound like he is poisoning them against you a bit. But after all of this if they are still determined not to like you then just stop bothering. Don't go round to visit, put up with them for your BF's sake but they really don't need to be a big part of your life.

Never kiss anybody's ass, they will hate you for it.

They don't like you, you don't like them, accept it and move on.

The only question left is after all this do you have any respect for your fella and does he have any respect for you.

Little enough I would say.

John Mason

I would just ignore them and dont go to family events. simple there is no point in getting upset about something you cant change. they dont like you, and probably never will.

Casey ca

Can I ask do you think that all his family don’t like you or is it just his brother? What about his sister you went shopping with

I wud suggest ignoring the brother's comments; don’t rise to it at all, it sounds like that is all he's looking for. I would also ask ur OH to have words with him, he is his brother n all n if u and ur OH are happy wtf does it matter to him. Perhaps he's jealous

As for his parents, my sister and her husband dated for 2 years and she got along with his parents fine until they moved in together. Then the bitching started, His parents never once visited their house until they got married. I wouldn't say they are holy joes but they just didn’t agree with their living arrangements.

Don’t let them get you down and don’t let them isolate you either!

kleefarr

Ah. I see you fixed it.

To the OP. The other problem you have is, if you both intend to get married then this needs to be sorted out before hand. If your OH doesn't stand up for you now, when will he?

Mr. Incognito

You're disliking a family member.

Welcome to reality. You can never keep everyone happy, so stop worrying bout it and concentrate on keeping yourself happy. It'll work itself out.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.....

well i do get on well with his little sis, but as soon as any of the other girlfriends appear, im ignored. im always friendly and bubbly with them but I dont lick ass, its not who i am. i've invited them over to visit dozens of times since we moved in together but they always have something on. ALWAYS!! even if i ask them over a couple of weeks in advance they wont commit to coming. there are times when ive asked them over and they have declined because they have something on but when my OH called instead and they would be sitting at home.

i have to go visit them as my OH doesn't drive (for medical reasons) and they live in rural area so he cant get a bus over so i have no choice but to drive him. every month or so i will drop him to his parents house and he will stay the weekend with them and i'll go visit my family, so i'm not always stuck there with my OH.

loads of people have said to ignore them, i want my OH to have a good relationship with them if possible. my OH HATES confrontation so he wont say anything to them even though i have been in tears driving home from his parents numerous times.

Beruthiel

Personally, I would quit making any kind of effort, it's gotten you no where.
I've been there with an ex. I just never went near them. After all, you are in a relationship with you b/f, not them.
Life is too short for that kind of crap, also, you're b/f needs to grow a pair and ask them what their problem is.

Rowley Birkin QC

fedupofhowitis wrote: »

i have been in tears driving home from his parents numerous times.

Not good OP, that honestly would be the final straw for me. If he can't see how much it annoys and hurts you then it needs to be spelt out clearly.

It doesn't seem like you are overly sensitive either so it's not as if you are overreacting to his mam or dad not offering you tea or something stupid.

Oryx

Beruthiel wrote: »

After all, you are in a relationship with you b/f, not them.

That is true. But the op is looking towards marriage. And in marriage its the case that you dont just marry the person, you marry their whole bloody family. You become a part of all that, including all the politics that go with it. You cant simply say youre not dealing with them, in my experience it breeds resentment, creates hassle for your oh, and sits like the elephant in the room of your relationship. Nor can you force your other half to choose: me or them. If you are looking long term, its unfair, and simply wont work. Ive seen families where the grandkids are forbidden to talk to granny, its an ugly situation and gets bigger and nastier as years go on. It solves nothing and hurts everyone.

So, what to do? At first I didnt get a clear impression of whats been happening, but your later posts shed more light. It does sound like the whole bunch of them are a bit emotionally stunted. No one, your bf included, want to face you, or the reasons why they avoid you, openly. And that needs to happen. Your bf needs to ask why his family never call around, and he mustnt settle for excuses and platitudes. I still see no need for this to make the situation worse, theyre all adults. But as you describe it, everyone is avoiding it now, and saying its not actually happening, when it is. Your oh even seems to be overlooking the upset you feel. Time for them all to talk and admit why you are being excluded. And that can only begin if your oh starts it.