Can't get over online cheating

LegacyUser

Ive a partner of 7 months whom I absolutely adore.. We have a great relationship and only recently we have had a series of rows basically all about the same issue... He is quite private and would not be very open with his phone etc e.g.... He doesnt hide or anything close but is still private as his ex used to check it... I have never done this and I respect his privacy and feel that I trust him.

I, 5 years ago, went out with a guy who I discovered was chatting online and I also believe meeting people for sex... He (to my detriment) managed to string me along for a while convincing me that I was crazy and it took me about a year to get out of this relationship. I have been single in the meantime and thought I had taken control of these demons.

I believe in personal privacy. I dont want to know his business but earlier this week, when I was staying with my OH I asked to lose his pc to show him a photo and he cleared the history before giving it to me... It freaked me out and we had a row...

I know I cant apply my past issues to my OH. I need to know how I can get round it... This is the only fly in our ointment - all else is good but I am beginning to worry this is enough to break us up him being uber private and me having a fear of the same....

All advice welcome on how I can overcome this and also explain to him why I can react like this..

LegacyUser

I think you might be over-reacting there OP. Some people are private about their fone regardless of whats on it? It's like an act of distrust for somebody to want to see your fone and he probably felt that with his old gf. Maybe he is protective of it because if its left lying around you can read it and he doesnt want to offer that temptation nor want the feeling of distrust.

As for the clearing of the history. he's a guy who uses the internet. He probably didnt want you seeing the porn he was last watching . And just cause he may use porn does not reflect that your not enough. Some guys just enjoy porn and also, for alot of women if they were to have sex with their fella everytime he wanted it, they'd probably be sore and sick of it .

Sorry if that seemed a little rude :0.

LegacyUser

I don't think you are over reacting at all, I would question as to why he felt the need to clear his history on the pc! He obviously had something to hide or not want you to see, as for his phone yes that is private but in fairness my ex spewed me that same sh*t about his ex g/f too and in the end he was cheating all along!!

If in any doubt ask him out straight, watch out for his reaction, body language is a dead give away!

Firetrap

I think there's something dodgy going on as well. You don't clear out your internet history if you've just been looking at football sites or whatever.

brianthebard

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't think you are over reacting at all, I would question as to why he felt the need to clear his history on the pc!

Porn, as the person above you said.

Darragh29

But there's another side to this... If you just wanted to show him a pic, how did you discover that he cleared the browsing history??? You must have checked it, which would make you as guilty for checking his browsing history, as he is for clearing it!

Aloysius Flyte

Would you have checked his browser history? If you went looking that's means you did. Therefore you don't trust him and he senses that. If I flet someone would check my browser history, I'd delete it.

Personal space is so important, as is trust. If you don't trust him then there is a fundamental flaw, be it in your head or real in your relationship. How can either of you be happy when you don't trust or respect each others space?

This may be hard, but have to face your demons and talk to him about it. And not only be honest with him, but also yourself.

passive

Darragh29 wrote: »

But there's another side to this... If you just wanted to show him a pic, how did you discover that he cleared the browsing history??? You must have checked it, which would make you as guilty for checking his browsing history, as he is for clearing it!

I think she meant that she was there and he opened the browser in front of her and clicked "clear private data." I've had this problem on occasion when friends come over unexpectedly or we end up using the computer and I want to leave the room... "look over there!" only works so many times..

and yeah, sounds like it was just porn...

LegacyUser

brianthebard wrote: »

Porn, as the person above you said.

I read that too thanks, but why hide the fact he was watching porn IF he was watching it!!

passive

Unregistered wrote: »

I read that too thanks, but why hide the fact he was watching porn IF he was watching it!!

look through PI. You'll find dozens of threads with girls who've found porn, or had their boyfriends admit to watching porn, and freaked out or taken this to mean their boyfriend doesn't love them and gone all paranoid and worried. This might explain why he'd hide it.

She Devil

Of course it was porn, every guy likes porn, its normal.
Trust is a hard thing when you have been burned before, but trust me that is all he was hiding, i'd bet my life on it. My brother clears his laptop history before handing it to me. Its just a guy thing. And so normal and natural! Dont get caught up in this OP, try to trust him a little. And if you are very worried, talk to him.

iguana

Unregistered wrote: »

I read that too thanks, but why hide the fact he was watching porn IF he was watching it!!

There is a possibly far more innocent explanation. It's 4 and a half weeks to christmas. He may have been buying you a present online. I know I'm a bit secretive about my laptop at the moment.;)

Silverfish

iguana wrote: »

There is a possibly far more innocent explanation. It's 4 and a half weeks to christmas. He may have been buying you a present online. I know I'm a bit secretive about my laptop at the moment.;)

I was going to suggest that myself, mine's been cleared an awful lot lately.

OP, has he given you any other reason not to trust him or think he's up to something?

PixelTrawler

First thought I had (well second after porn!) - he could have been looking up gift ideas, maybe planning a romantic holiday - or maybe as you say its just private to him even if its just the weather and you have no bloody business looking at it or even wondering why he cleared it...

You should apologise for the row, respect his privacy and stop being so nosey next time.

I'm pretty private too - it bugs me if the GF asks who texts even if it was just my mother! Its to do with your own space.

A friend of mine used to say "Every man needs a shed". Well you were in his shed (obscure metaphor but do you get what im getting at - its invading his space)

Mental Baggage wrote: »

I believe in personal privacy. I dont want to know his business but earlier this week, when I was staying with my OH I asked to lose his pc to show him a photo and he cleared the history before giving it to me... It freaked me out..

Theres a slight contradiction in this!

AngryBadger

OP this is very simple, you have to decided whether or not your trust your partner. I understand you were cheated on in the past and it hurt you badly, however you're now bringing this into your current relationship and it's starting to cause problems.

Having a row with him because he cleared his history is ridiculous, there could be any number of reasons many of which have already been cited in this thread, as to why he may have done this, and frankly you're suspicious attitude is the single reason that jumps out at me.

You need to get a grip on this because if you don't then everything nhe does will seem like sopme kind of cover-up to you. And think about it, you don't see him 24/7 so history or no there isn't a way for you to know with absolute certainty what exactly he's doing.

LegacyUser

Gosh, I know how you feel. I've actually posted a slightly related thing previously (I was feeling awful for checking his history because I wanted to know what porn he was looking at and how often...vicious circle). Funny thing is that in the past, I wouldnt have cared and whould have had a way more balance approach to porn, I actually dont mind him looking at it but my stomach turns at the thought of him interacting with people, looking at men, boys, trans gender, black women...anything Im not. The fact that my tummy knows how to do that horrible flip is the result of another mans treatment. Until I was badly hurt and humilliated, I had no idea that it was a possibility, now knowing how much something could hurt me, I look for it. Thats my fault, not his. It sounds like you are doing the same, bringing old baggage down on his head. Maybe it might make sense to you if I say that I would be very uneasy and freaked out about the deleting of history as my now self but wouldnt have batted an eyelid in my pre-cheated on times.....I guess we are just damaged a little but we can try our best to let it go. Good luck.

yellowcurl

I agree with the others, he was probably a bit embarrassed about the amount of porn he'd watched and wanted to get rid of the evidence! lol!

Ginny

Meh, I have a habit of clearing my history on the PC in work and laptop at home everytime I log off, its a habit.
His clearing his history is probably completely innocent, you're only colouring it with your past experience.