I'm really at a loss..

LegacyUser

I don't really know where to start with this, Basicly I was with my gf for 3 years and a few months ago I went through a "I don't know what I want" stage, I had something major happen in my life and we broke up, she was heartbroken but I was so occupied I didn't start dealing with it until recently. Another reason I done it was because when we were together she would never go out with her friends and enjoy herself always hung up on what I was doing and I wanted her to do it for herself...well it's now backfired on me big time when everything calmed down in my life I realized I still had very strong feelings for her, I hit them for as long as I could but in the end had to tell her, I have a very hard time opening up to anybody so pouring my hard out to her was very difficult and I got shot down. During the break up we stayed friends and we were still having sex on a regular basis (Joint choice), she said she would keep fighting for us that she knew what I was going through and knew I would come around.

About 4 weeks ago something changed, She was going out and drinking alot, I found out she had been seeing differant guys and the way she acts towards me if differant I can tell it in the little things, I don't know how to explain it it's just like out of nowhere she doesn't care about me at all anymore or trying to hurt me, anytime shes out she is glued to her phone laughing out loud and joking about what guy X has said or how nice/cool guy Z is and i'm left sitting there grinding my teeth, when were out with our friends she flirts continuesly as if to wind me up. I've been breaking my back over the past few weeks trying to get her back and it's like the nicer I am being to her the worst I am being treated and I honestly can't take being hurt anymore, I can't eat, sleep, do any of my hobbies cause it's always on my mind. Her text messages have gone from conversations to two word messages but to everyone else they are the same.

When I asked her about getting back together she said that she can't be with anyone right now, but that we might get back together in the future and she does still have feelings for me, am I just being strung along here guys? I feel like she is going out having the time of her life while i am waiting in the wings until she finds someone better, my self confidence has gone from brilliant to non existend i'm like a shadow of what I was...I'm considering just deleting all I have of her, number, pictures ,bebo pages and just moving on cause the friends thing might be grand for her but it is killing me inside and it's not fair.

Wibbs

confusedashell wrote: »

I've been breaking my back over the past few weeks trying to get her back and it's like the nicer I am being to her the worst I am being treated

Precisely the reason why its happening. Back of the "nice". She's moving away and you're running after her. She knows you'll take it by your actions and words, so she knows she has a backup. She may also be punishing you for your "confusion" before. Can see her point tbh. She could also be looking anew at her options. Or all of the above.

Take that away. Move on yourself. Don't be as available. Meet other women yourself. Stop chasing her. Be nice to her, but don't be a safety net.

Regardless, the fact is she will only come back if she thinks its a better emotional reward than leaving you. Currently she's leaving you and yet you are still there. Best of both worlds for her. You're helping her move on. Forget that. Help yourself move on. This is good for you. Plus it is the only way you will get her to come back to you. Only way. Do that sooner than later, before she finds someone else, either a rebound or a serious option. Then your support will be less needed and it'll be game over and you'll still not be moving forward, indeed evn worse as hope fades. May as well move forward this minute. Best chance of a good outcome.

That Girl..

The exact same thing happened me..

My boyfriend did what you did.. I told him i'd wait for him to want me back..
I was absolutely heartbroken, cried every single day..
I'd txt him or ring him and he'd be real distant with me..

I then met someone else who i started seeing but still wanted my ex back..
I still tried, then i decided i couldn't wait around any longer and that it was time to mive on..

As soon as i made that decision he wanted me back but i just couldn't go back.. He broke my heart and i was afraid of it happening again even though he swore he wouldn't do it..

Maybe thats why your ex is the way she is..
You can hardly blame her, she probly feels like she has lgotten over the worst of it and doesn't wanna go through it again coz it's the worst feelin in the world..

shellyboo

confusedashell wrote: »

it is killing me inside and it's not fair.

... is probably what she thought when you dumped her.

Let me get this straight... you dumped this girl because you 'didn't know what you wanted', by the sounds of it left her to stew for a while, and when YOU were ready to deal with your feelings you went back to her and got shot down. Now you're complaining because she's gone out and got a life for herself - something you dumped her over to begin with - and doesn't want you anymore?

Be careful what you wish for, it just might come true. You wanted to end it, you did. You wanted her to get a life, she has. It's your too bad if that life no longer includes you.

If you can't handle being friends with her, then don't. Cut her out of your life - but don't play the martyr, because you caused this situation.

SpookyDoll

It reminds me of that old song OP

"You took your time to come back this time
The grass has grown under your feet
In your absence I've changed my mind
And someone else is sitting in your seat
I know that I said there be no-one else
I know that I said I'd be true
But baby - I've burned out cupid's arrow
And here's the short and the narrow
I've nothing left to offer you"

OP, either she still cares and is enjoying punishing you or she really has moved on. I think it might be the latter. I dont think you will get her back I am sorry.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Precisely the reason why its happening. Back of the "nice". She's moving away and you're running after her. She knows you'll take it by your actions and words, so she knows she has a backup. She may also be punishing you for your "confusion" before. Can see her point tbh. She could also be looking anew at her options. Or all of the above.

Take that away. Move on yourself. Don't be as available. Meet other women yourself. Stop chasing her. Be nice to her, but don't be a safety net.

Regardless, the fact is she will only come back if she thinks its a better emotional reward than leaving you. Currently she's leaving you and yet you are still there. Best of both worlds for her. You're helping her move on. Forget that. Help yourself move on. This is good for you. Plus it is the only way you will get her to come back to you. Only way. Do that sooner than later, before she finds someone else, either a rebound or a serious option. Then your support will be less needed and it'll be game over and you'll still not be moving forward, indeed evn worse as hope fades. May as well move forward this minute. Best chance of a good outcome.

Thanks, I do understand that she has been hurt and maybe doesn't want it to happen again , she said the only way she would take me back is if I show her that things will change but how can I do that when she won't give me the chance, whats happening is I am doing everything I make her dinner, give her advise, buy her drinks everything and then just get thanks and off she goes with her mates or some other bloke and she knows. She did get fairly serious with another guy while I was doing all this aswell, he was there for her when she was getting over me, real nice etc said he wanted to be with her but when she wouldn't let him into her pants he moved on to someone else and ignored her it's difficult to watch but either she loves me enough to give me another chance or she doesn't cause I don't want to spent months doing all this to see her end up with someone else and my own heart damaged more.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

... is probably what she thought when you dumped her.

Let me get this straight... you dumped this girl because you 'didn't know what you wanted', by the sounds of it left her to stew for a while, and when YOU were ready to deal with your feelings you went back to her and got shot down. Now you're complaining because she's gone out and got a life for herself - something you dumped her over to begin with - and doesn't want you anymore?

Be careful what you wish for, it just might come true. You wanted to end it, you did. You wanted her to get a life, she has. It's your too bad if that life no longer includes you.

If you can't handle being friends with her, then don't. Cut her out of your life - but don't play the martyr, because you caused this situation.

In all fairness as much as it makes me feel crap...I agree with this and i'm not trying to play a martyr.

NewFrockTuesday

I have a very hard time opening up to anybody so pouring my hard out to her was very difficult and I got shot down

... is probably what she thought when you dumped her.

Let me get this straight... you dumped this girl because you 'didn't know what you wanted', by the sounds of it left her to stew for a while, and when YOU were ready to deal with your feelings you went back to her and got shot down. Now you're complaining because she's gone out and got a life for herself - something you dumped her over to begin with - and doesn't want you anymore?

Be careful what you wish for, it just might come true. You wanted to end it, you did. You wanted her to get a life, she has. It's your too bad if that life no longer includes you.

If you can't handle being friends with her, then don't. Cut her out of your life - but don't play the martyr, because you caused this situation.

While not being as harsh as Shellyboo there, I would agree with her. You made a decision to leave the relationship and while you were gone, she found herself. She probably is having a great time - as would be expected given the new freedom, but hanging around wont help you move on.

I would say cut contact. Its incredibly difficult but easier in the longrun. You dont want to be hanging around like a ghost in your exs life and she sounds like shes at thhe stage where she may not want your pandering to her or interfering on her new life. If you cant watch or listen to her, its time to step away.

As for maybe having a new guy, maybe...and why not? Theres always someone waiting in the wings when you take your eye off the ball.

Either that or sit her down and make it crunch time so at least youll know one way or the other. Best of luck OP. Its a heart breaker.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think she's gotten over you but still takes some pleasure in hurting you as a revenge for breaking her heart.

I know a girl who broke up with a boyfriend, was with someone new but one night she knew the old boyfriend would be there so made a big effort to look as best she could, wore revealing clothes etc. "just so he knew what he was missing" kind of thing.

She'll stop punishing you when she reaslises you're no longer bothered. Even if you got back together things will never be the same. Think you should start getting over her.

Bottle_of_Smoke

shellyboo wrote:

If you can't handle being friends with her, then don't.

Agreed. This is very important.

Cut her out of your life - but don't play the martyr, because you caused this situation.

Blah. He had his reasons, I wouldn't be so harsh. "caused" is the wrong word in this kind of situation.

Wibbs

OK IMHO whats done is done. Simple as. Do you want to live in guilt and hope or do you want to fix this. OK then, move on. Her saying she's looking for change is fine, but she wont see it if you tell her. She wont see it if you keep pushing. What you're actually doing by pushing is reinforcing in her mind what she already believes. Namely you think more of your needs and feelings than hers. This is what got you into this mess and this is what will continue it. This is why 99% of the time when breaks happen they become breakups.

So if you want to show her you've changed, well then change. Next time say to her, "you are right, I was wrong and I hurt you. I want you to be happy, even if that's having fun on the singles scene or with someone else. Trying to get you back is just self centered on my part. You know where I am if you need a chat, but I think we should both move on and see where that takes us". That is telling her you care about her as an individual, not just what she means to you. Big diff. Then let her go and work on you. Believe that you want what is best for you and her. That is not at this point your as a couple.

Let her go and if there's a good relationship there, it will happen.

shellyboo

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Blah. He had his reasons, I wouldn't be so harsh. "caused" is the wrong word in this kind of situation.

Well, I just find his 'poor me' tone a little frustrating to be honest. You can't just push someone aside and pick them up again whenever you feel like it... hence my harshness. Also, I'm pretty much just a bitch

Wagon

confusedashell wrote: »

I'm considering just deleting all I have of her, number, pictures ,bebo pages and just moving on cause the friends thing might be grand for her but it is killing me inside and it's not fair.

Then do. People will break up for many reasons, but when you find someone that's realy worth it you'll stay together even through the truly **** times. That didn't happen here, so you can pretty much bet your balls that she's not going to be able to make you happy in the future and that if those things (or things as bad) happen again it'll end the relationship.

Right now though, she's getting over you and yes, she does have feelings for you as she's treating you like absolute ****. If she was over you she wouldn't be putting this much effort into getting a little revenge.

However, regardless of who dumped who, nobody needs to take this crap. Getting over someone is a depressing enough experience without having to listen to how many lads she's been with this week and two word messages that she KNOWS will make you come running after her. Before any feminists jump down my neck, it's not just a woman thing too (although they can get laid easier then lads). So re attach those balls and accept the consiquences. Cut her out, delete her accounts and phone numbers and burn the pictures if you want. Your more of a coward if you stay in touch with her, living in hope. Your a bigger person when you leave her behind and move on alone.

Wagon

shellyboo wrote: »

Well, I just find his 'poor me' tone a little frustrating to be honest. You can't just push someone aside and pick them up again whenever you feel like it... hence my harshness. Also, I'm pretty much just a bitch

Too much time in the feckin ladies lounge eh?

shellyboo

Wagon wrote: »

Too much time in the feckin ladies lounge eh?

Nah... too much time hanging around with gay guys.

Katgurl

she is punishing you for being so careless with her