Is it me or is it normal?

LegacyUser

Met my bfriend 9mths ago,we got on amazing, every wkend he would take me somewhere lovely - not expensive dates but like walks on the beach and stuff, we got closer and closer, met his family,started spending most nights together, told me he loved me and voce versa (we've only said this to each other once) moved in together last month...

no more dates, no more talks late into the night, havent been out on our own once since we moved in, sit in front of the tv not saying a word, I try and talk to him - just normal day to day stuff and Im lucky to get a reply half the time (or thats how it feels)

We both have 'lives' - have hobbies that keep us busy couple of nights a week and one day of the weekend, we both have friends we see.

Id like to talk to him sometimes,like we used to (future,dreams,laughing at jokes etc etc) Id like to go out and have fun with him sometimes - just the two of us. I'd love to know how he feels about me, Id love to hear a I like you from him.

Ive tried to say it to him - I sound moaney. So I was 'proactive' ha ha! Orgainsed a suprise for him - something the two of us could od together and something he'd love! Ended up that we didnt go out alone, there was about 10 of us and we barely said a word to each other all night - I went home, alone, early.
He finds it hard to express his feelings - just the type of person he is - so I told him a couple of times - little things like - I really care about you, your sweet etc - just so he knows he is safe and can be open with me (if I show him I can trust him with my feelings then he will know he can trust me with his?) His reply to these things was 'I know' !

Am I being an attention seeker?? Is this totally normal or do you think he's after moving in with me and is just sick of me already?! There is zero excitement, affection etc between us right now. Although when we get 10 mins in bed before we go to sleep we will cuddle up etc and yes we are sleeping together.

He's not doing anything wrong,its just,well he's not doing or saying anything and it wasnt always liek this?!!

Help!

Gyalist

Unregistered wrote: »

Met my bfriend 9mths ago,we got on amazing, every wkend he would take me somewhere lovely - not expensive dates but like walks on the beach and stuff, we got closer and closer, met his family,started spending most nights together, told me he loved me and voce versa (we've only said this to each other once) moved in together last month...

Whose idea was it for you to move in together?
It seems that you are the one who is driving the relationship and he is just accepting your plans. The reality of you living together has now hit home and he's probably wondering about the speed at which the relationship has moved.

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

Whose idea was it for you to move in together?
It seems that you are the one who is driving the relationship and he is just accepting your plans. The reality of you living together has now hit home and he's probably wondering about the speed at which the relationship has moved.

He asked me, I actually said I wanted to think about it and I discussed my concerns with him as I felt it could be too soon and I was worried that what is actually happening might happen, he said he knew me well enough to know that he wouldnt get bored of me and that I was the first girl in 9 yrs that he felt this way about, he said I was the only girl he'd ever sat and thought what our kids would look like about.
So I said yes.

SandraG

Totally forgot I registered here ages ago and unreg takes to long to reply!

It was his idea to move in together, he asked me and I actually had some concerns, I discussed them with him, I thought it might be to soon and also I was worried what is happening might happen, he told me he knew me well enough to know he wouldnt get bored of me, he also said I was the first girl in 9yrs that he had sat and imagined what our kids would look like about. So I said yes and we found a place.

sorrywhat

I know how you feel. I was in that situation but it happened to me about 3 years into my relationship.

you need to talk to him. Organise "dates" together. where its just the two of you. even if its getting a bottle of wine and a dvd and snuggling up togther.

or try to go away together once a month. just for a night to different cities. that can always help.

I dont think you are being an attention seeker. as he went from one extreme to the other. but i do think ye need to talk it out.

SandraG

sorrywhat wrote: »

I know how you feel. I was in that situation but it happened to me about 3 years into my relationship.

you need to talk to him. Organise "dates" together. where its just the two of you. even if its getting a bottle of wine and a dvd and snuggling up togther.

or try to go away together once a month. just for a night to different cities. that can always help.

I dont think you are being an attention seeker. as he went from one extreme to the other. but i do think ye need to talk it out.

Yeah thats exactly what I did - the 'dates' thing, I organised a suprise for him but he got annoyed coz Id spent alot of money on it and then turned out a load of his friends were also going so we met up with all of them and I didnt get two seconds with him - so I went home saying I was wrecked.
He did say thankyou the following day but I was so dissapointed because th point of the 'date' - us having some time together was totally lost on him and he didnt even seem to want it?!

LegacyUser

Doesn't sound normal to me OP.

If you can't communicate and just talk, then there really is no relationship.

Regardless of whether he can express his emotions, day to day chat and fun is very essential.

I can't go out with anyone (or even be friends with ) people who can't just open up and chat. In fact, I have recently stopped hanging out with some guys who were too much hard work to hang out with - I got no info, news or otherwise from them. Realised that I was open but I got bored and frustrated with their inability to have what I would consider a normal conversation.

I think you need to tell him what you're feeling because as a gf of mine once said when we got to where you are "it don't mean a think if it ain;t got that zing". She was right.

delly

On the face of it, it sounds like you may have moved in too early, but now he's in the situation he can't really express his dislike for the place he is in now. Would I be right in guessing that you may be a bit older than him, and maybe a little bit more world weary?

Curvy Vixen

As a matter of interest, is this the first person/man you have ever lived with?

You need to talk to him and find out what it is he is happy with in life. It could be that watching DVD's every night and no conversation is what makes him happy. If this is the case then you need to look at setting your bar of happiness and if it doesn't match his then you need to think if this is what you really want and if it will be enough to fullfil you.

If it isn't what you want but he has what he wants, then you will probably not be happy. If you are having concerns at this early stage that would worry me.

I was in a marriage with someone like this. We got home from honeymoon and it was like he brushed himself down, said that's grand I'm married now, no more effort needed, job done. When you start a partnership/marriage/whatever that's when the hard work actually begins for most people. Keeping it alive is the secret to a good relationship not 'settling'.

But communication is the key initially, then taking charge of your own happiness is the key after that.

Edit..Sorry I just re-read ~ you say you have tried to speak to him but you sounded moany. This is a matter of opinion, and generally it's the opinion of the listener! However, there are ways of getting your point of view across at times like this...one of them is to not use the word you but to change it around and use the word I, for instance

You: You never speak to me anymore ~ you don't care about me.
Or
You: I miss that we don't speak so much anymore ~ I felt much more cared about when we had a laugh about each others day/night/life/whatever.

Sounds really corny and a bit 'American' but it does work to take the focus off of blaming the other person.

SandraG

Definately more world weary! But not older, he's 3 yrs older than me - Im 27.
It's wierd, I do need to talk to him but I tried - actually last night - and he alughed, said theres nothing wrong at all, he's not sick of me and just kept laughing saying he could hear the hamster in my head.
I dont think he realises how much he has changed, I guess I need to tell him but I really dont want to sound moaney or whiney or asking for attention coz Im really not like that at all!

buttercup21

Unregistered wrote: »

Met my bfriend 9mths ago,we got on amazing, every wkend he would take me somewhere lovely - not expensive dates but like walks on the beach and stuff, we got closer and closer, met his family,started spending most nights together, told me he loved me and voce versa (we've only said this to each other once) moved in together last month...

no more dates, no more talks late into the night, havent been out on our own once since we moved in, sit in front of the tv not saying a word, I try and talk to him - just normal day to day stuff and Im lucky to get a reply half the time (or thats how it feels)

We both have 'lives' - have hobbies that keep us busy couple of nights a week and one day of the weekend, we both have friends we see.

Id like to talk to him sometimes,like we used to (future,dreams,laughing at jokes etc etc) Id like to go out and have fun with him sometimes - just the two of us. I'd love to know how he feels about me, Id love to hear a I like you from him.

Ive tried to say it to him - I sound moaney. So I was 'proactive' ha ha! Orgainsed a suprise for him - something the two of us could od together and something he'd love! Ended up that we didnt go out alone, there was about 10 of us and we barely said a word to each other all night - I went home, alone, early.
He finds it hard to express his feelings - just the type of person he is - so I told him a couple of times - little things like - I really care about you, your sweet etc - just so he knows he is safe and can be open with me (if I show him I can trust him with my feelings then he will know he can trust me with his?) His reply to these things was 'I know' !

Am I being an attention seeker?? Is this totally normal or do you think he's after moving in with me and is just sick of me already?! There is zero excitement, affection etc between us right now. Although when we get 10 mins in bed before we go to sleep we will cuddle up etc and yes we are sleeping together.

He's not doing anything wrong,its just,well he's not doing or saying anything and it wasnt always liek this?!!

Help!

Hunny - talk to him about it,

SandraG

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

As a matter of interest, is this the first person/man you have ever lived with?

You need to talk to him and find out what it is he is happy with in life. It could be that watching DVD's every night and no conversation is what makes him happy. If this is the case then you need to look at setting your bar of happiness and if it doesn't match his then you need to think if this is what you really want and if it will be enough to fullfil you.

If it isn't what you want but he has what he wants, then you will probably not be happy. If you are having concerns at this early stage that would worry me.

I was in a marriage with someone like this. We got home from honeymoon and it was like he brushed himself down, said that's grand I'm married now, no more effort needed, job done. When you start a partnership/marriage/whatever that's when the hard work actually begins for most people. Keeping it alive is the secret to a good relationship not 'settling'.

But communication is the key initially, then taking charge of your own happiness is the key after that.

No not at all, I have lived away from home since I was 15, he is the 2nd guy I have lived with, I was with my last partner for 6 yrs and we lived together for 5.
I thought I knew what made him happy, before we lived together we would go for walks on the beach, go down the country, Im big into horses and he took me horsey places etc etc
Turns out he cant stand horses and the whole country/beach stuff has totally stopped! Of course we would of got DVD's stayed in etc too but not all the time.
We'd go down to the local have a few and a laugh, that doesnt happen anymore - he always 'cant be botherd' would rather stay in by the fire?!
Its like he's a different person!

delly

Maybe he really does want to break up, but instead of admitting it is slowly trying to make you dislike him?

SandraG

delly wrote: »

Maybe he really does want to break up, but instead of admitting it is slowly trying to make you dislike him?

Yeah maybe he is! Was a bit stupid to ask me to move in with him 2 months ago if he felt like that tho?!

delly

SandraG wrote: »

Yeah maybe he is! Was a bit stupid to ask me to move in with him 2 months ago if he felt like that tho?!

Aye, but maybe he thought that would make him happy and now it doesn't. Anyhow, 'tis just a theory like many others here but until he starts talking, you'll never be sure.

John_Mc

delly wrote: »

Maybe he really does want to break up, but instead of admitting it is slowly trying to make you dislike him?

That's a ridiculous statement. Give the man some credit. I'm sure if he wanted to break up the OP would know it!

delly

John_Mc wrote: »

That's a ridiculous statement. Give the man some credit. I'm sure if he wanted to break up the OP would know it!

Well I don't know the ins and outs of the relationship, maybe he feels trapped and doesn't like confrontation and this is his version of the 'silent treatment'. Either way my friend, its just another theory for the OP to think off, thats why we are replying after all.

jessbeth

It sounds to me like he did everything you wanted to get you go come live with him and now he thinks it's a done deal and that he doesn't need to put in any more effort. I would sit down and have a chat and tell it like it is. Don't worry about sounding moaning, never worry about how you sound because if he genuinely loves you 'sounding moany' is not going to put him off. I know that it's not always easy but unless your ready to live in a non-satisfactory relationship then you will just have to do something about it. If you're living with the guy you have the right to know how he feels about you and what the future holds. It's not like it's all his way or the highway.

Gyalist

I've had a quick read of your previous posts and I have to say that the situation doesn't look good. If I were you I'd cut my losses now rather than invest more time in the relationship.

Snowie

I think you need to tip the scale's, in your favour and just let him Know that you wont except this behavour, its a bit idiotic asking you to move in with him and then starting to behave like to people who don't like each other....

maybe spend a few nights a week at home.....

SpiderPiglet

Just wanted to write for the other perspective.
6 months after I moved in with my OH he came to me all upset, saying I don't talk much, dont show as much affection as I used to ect ect.
I didnt even realise I had changed tbh, the truth is I'm a loner by nature, and when I first met my oh, like your oh, I was all chat, doing things together, I could do that then because we didnt live together so I still had my alone time, and I genuinly loved seeing him and wanted to talk to him.
But once we moved in I suppose I took him for granted, the thing is I like my space, I like to be alone, and can feel suffocated easily.

Obviously once I realised he was upset I did my best to explain that I still loved him, in fact more than I ever did before we lived together. Eventually I realised that I had to cope on.... that when I got home from work I couldnt just shut down like I used to.

Three years on I talk more, infact we talk more that watch telly, we go out alone when we can and I've become much more affectionate..... I had to meet him half way, becuase I wanted to keep him.

I think your OH does love you, he's just used to his space and loves his alone time.... this doesn excuse his behaviour though, he has to learn that you have to work on relationships and give as much as you receive..... If I could change I'm sure he can.

RedPlanet

remove the tely from the equation.

Redplanet you just made such a good suggestion. A few months after I moved in with OH we ended up without a tv, went on without one for about a year and it was the best thing that ever happened to us.
We used to turn on the radio and talk, have a drink and a laugh, do things together that interested us, when we watched a movie it was a dvd we both picked or picked with each other in mind.... There was more incentive to get out a bit.

In fact, I think I need to suggest one evening a week without telly myself! Just an idea, but it forces you to interact if the telly is off.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Good advice from Curvy Vixen.

I think it's possible this might just be him though. Possble he'll never change, before you lived together there was more excitement as you didn't see each other so much and din't "have" to see each other.

I wouldn't rule out Delly's suggestion either.

Consider your options.

He could be depressed or suffering from any number of psychological disorders, which would kill his interest in things, without even realising it.

Or, it could be much simpler: relationships tend to get stale, especially when you see each other all the time. Perhaps you moved in together too soon. Have a serious chat and try to re-ignite his passion.

Pretttig

I'm a guy and your story sounds like something my ex-girlfriend could have written about me.

The sad truth is there is something rotten in your relationship that could go on and on for years, 8 years in my case.

My behaviour was the same as your boyfriends and deep down the reason was because I knew she wasn't the right girl for me but could'nt even admit it to myself because she was so perfect in so many other ways.

If I were you I would get assertive, sit him down and tell him what you've told boards.ie, if he doesn't change his attitude (which I doubt he will,sorry but I am writing from my experience), leave him or he will leave you years later.
Hope it works out ,but don't be too afraid of a broken heart.