She's a headwreck, but I can't get over her.

LegacyUser

Okay, first time posting on Boards.

Since mid 2007, I've had strong feelings for a close friend of mine. That seems to be my problem, I always let it get to the friend zone before I do anything about it. She found out earlier this year that I liked her. We talked about it, it was all cool for a while. She said she only liked me as a friend.

Then things started to get weird. Not talking like we used to, hanging out less. There was a period where I didn't see her for a few months, but as soon as we met up again, the feelings all came rushing back.

She has always been a flirty girl, flirts with anybody, really. Her friends have warned her about leading guys on.

Over the summer we didn't really spend much time together. But on one summer night, one thing lead to another and we ended up hooking up, kissing the whole night.
Talk about mixed signals.

A week after that happened, we met again in town to sort things out, she said it was meaningless, and she would never take things further with a friend. I was pretty crushed to hear that.

We would text the odd time through Autumn, and that kinda died down after a while, an account of her studies etc. Whenever we met up, I would feel the awkwardness between us. We didn't have much to talk about together.

At a party over Hallowe'en, she was flirting again as usual. Sitting on me, hugging talking away great. Next day, awkwardness again. That night we had a chat, and she asked me if I read into anything she did the night before. And that it was all meaningless again. During that conversation we suggested that we leave the friendship go, and try to cut ties. I was heartbroken.

This weekend, on a night out. She can up to me and said she wanted us to talk when she was sober. So the next day, we text and she said she didn't like us not being friends, and said if I wanted to that we could start afresh. Of course that's what I waned to do, so we're talking now. Not any awkwardness that I can tell, anyway.

But I really just don't see myself getting over this girl. In the back of my mind, I guess I'm still hoping that something will happen between us. Friends have told me to cut ties with her, that that's the only way I'd get over her. I really just can't bring myself to do that.

Any advice/words of wisdom will be a good help.

Cheers for reading.

SpookyDoll

Friends have told me to cut ties with her, that that's the only way I'd get over her. I really just can't bring myself to do that.

Ay, theres the rub!

You cant bring yourself to do that because you are still hoping she is going to change her mind.

She told you in plain english that the kissing was meaningless, you have to accept that.

Her wanting to be friends again is not in your interest.

You must know deep down she is wasting your time man.

Wantobe

She's testing her man-skills on you, making sure she still has the power to attract you. Might be unconscious, and maybe not meant unkindly but she is being selfish. Wouldn't be a bit surprised if once you get yourself another girlfriend she decides she was into you after all.

Beruthiel

AnonymousGuy1 wrote: »

Friends have told me to cut ties with her, that that's the only way I'd get over her.

Your friends are 100% correct.

I really just can't bring myself to do that.

Then prepare to have your head melted for the foreseeable future.
There is no magic wand for this.
If you like being tortured, continue as you are.
If you want to move on and not continually feel like you do right now, then do as your friends say, cut ALL contact with her.
There is no third option.

Nevyn

Cut all ties and go out and get laid (do use condoms ).

Karen_*

You won't get over her with her still in your life. But you stand a fighting chance if you get rid of her. Try it. It won't be any worse than how you feel now but tthere WILL be light at the end of the tunnell.

carlowguy32

shes a woman. who the hell knows whats going on in that brain

Wagon

She's taking the piss out of you. Tell her on no uncertain terms to **** off with herself. Then you can clear your head and never look back. Some people just have a natural attraction to other and can't help it. That's only good if both parties are willing. This isn't the case here.

LegacyUser

AnonymousGuy1 wrote: »

Whenever we met up, I would feel the awkwardness between us. We didn't have much to talk about together.

This says it all to me....

You have nothing to talk about. No communication = no chance of a relationship.

You miss her when she's not there and then when you're together (a) you guys don't get along very well and (b) your post snogging sessions which should be really nice, are just awkward.

If she treats you like that then she's not much of a friend, despite how much you want her to be.

Kazuma

Beruthiel wrote: »

Your friends are 100% correct.



Then prepare to have your head melted for the foreseeable future.
There is no magic wand for this.
If you like being tortured, continue as you are.
If you want to move on and not continually feel like you do right now, then do as your friends say, cut ALL contact with her.
There is no third option.

Agree 100%
This situation sounds all too familiar.
Best leave it now to avoid plenty of drunken mess nights. It sounds like a crap thing to do, but if it feels this bad now, how will you feel in a year or two of still talking?

AnonoBoy

One part of her probably does actually want to be your friend while another part of her loves the attention she gets from you.

Having a someone about that fancies them even if it's not reciprocated is a thing a lot of girls (and guys) like to have. It makes them feel good even though it's grossly unfair to lead someone on like that.

I was led on a merry little dance by a girl like this for a year once. I made it perfectly clear what I wanted but she was always 'confused' or 'trying to work out what I want' etc. etc. Every so often there'd be a kiss or two to keep me interested until finally I realised it was never going to go anywhere and I left her alone.

The only way to get her out of your head is to cut your ties with her. Don't hang out with her. It won't do you any good until you're over her.

HPT

In my experience the only thing that will take your mind off her is an interest in someone else.

Once you start thinking about / texting / going out with someone else you will hardly give her a second thought. I know it's hard to believe now but trust me, that's what will happen... if you let it.

Wibbs

carlowguy32 wrote: »

shes a woman. who the hell knows whats going on in that brain

Off topic so no more, but..... as it's an all too common response(and the equivalent "men! who understands them") I'll answer it.

Actually men do. Men who listen watch and learn. Its basically the same thing that goes on in a mans brain. Sometimes expressed differently. You hear guys say, "you can never hope to understand women". I would suggest it's quite easy to understand both men and women. Start by understanding yourself and why and how you do things and how thsoe things you do and why you do them affect your life in a positive or negative way. Other people are a doddle, if you are halfway to figuring yourself.



OP If you went to open up a bottle of your fave beer and every time you did, you got an almighty kick in the goolies, would it remain your fave beer for long? No of course not. You would stop. It would be silly to continue. You would think one of your mates was daft if he did so too. So why do you do the same emotionally with her? That's the question.

You do it because of lust etc, but mostly insecurity. Deep down, you figure "I can't get her, but if I did I would feel better about myself", so her flip flopping back and forth agrees with that feeling. Indeed you almost welcome it. You're patting yourself on the back for being "right". The thing is you're wrong. You could get better and if you do, you will get some confidence for a while, but confidence starts with you, not someone else.

If you can begin to see that, you will find it easier to let go. Practically you will have to go cold turkey from her as she will keep flicking that switch deep down. Break all contact and do what Thaed delightfully and rightfully suggested, go out, have fun, get knocked back, get laid(with condom;)). That should sort ya.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Thaedydal wrote: »

Cut all ties and go out and get laid (do use condoms ).

+1

torqdj

shes not interested in you in that way man,
personally i tink u shud just cut her out of your life, when you move on to another girl you will realise it was a great decision and u wont believe how u were such a fool for so long

so either cut all ties, or else have a chat with her tell her u cant be friends cos you want more and she will have to decide what she wants

but be prepared to move on cos she aint interested

Monkey61

She's not into you at all. She has explicitly stated the fact. It's never going to happen.

As soon as you meet someone else, you will move on. The only thing to be very careful of is that when you do, there is a chance that this girl will then decide that she's in love with you and always has been. If this happens - it is a trap - she doesn't. She just wants to prove that she could have you if she wanted.

I know it's not easy. I spent three years in a situation like that before. It was heartbreaking. As soon as I met someone else, she pulled the aforementioned trick and I was silly enough to fall for it. A week later, she "changed her mind."

Jimmy Bottlehead

Monkey61 wrote: »

She's not into you at all. She has explicitly stated the fact. It's never going to happen.

As soon as you meet someone else, you will move on. The only thing to be very careful of is that when you do, there is a chance that this girl will then decide that she's in love with you and always has been. If this happens - it is a trap - she doesn't. She just wants to prove that she could have you if she wanted.

I know it's not easy. I spent three years in a situation like that before. It was heartbreaking. As soon as I met someone else, she pulled the aforementioned trick and I was silly enough to fall for it. A week later, she "changed her mind."

Truth.

She just wants to know she can have you at any time... and everybody wants an ego boost. But it's not fair to keep yourself chained up like this.

Let go, and cut ties... at least for a couple months. You need to break from this girl and find someone who will love you for who you are.

LegacyUser

Point A

AnonymousGuy1 wrote: »

Since mid 2007, I've had strong feelings for a close friend of mine.
<snip>
She said she only liked me as a friend.

Point B

AnonymousGuy1 wrote: »

She has always been a flirty girl, flirts with anybody, really. Her friends have warned her about leading guys on.

I think you're all being a bit harsh on this girl,
I think when you told her you had strong feelings for her she lost you as a friend.
After that, seeing as she's been accused of leading people on, she was probably very cautious about what to say to you and what to talk about and this can strain a friendship (obviously!) which is why your contact no doubt trickled off.

Why she kissed you the first time I don't know... maybe she missed your friendship and thought that maybe having a relationship with you would work and subsequently realised it was a mistake, maybe she felt guilty for rejecting you and thought by kissing you that would some how "make up for it" maybe.
For whatever reason she decided it was a mistake and told you so.

It's very difficult to find out a friend fancies you and a very difficult situation to handle, everything changes and you don't look at or interact with them the same ever again.
maybe she just wants her friend back.

Anyway I would echo what others have said, if you really feel this strongly about her and she has made it clear to you that she is not interested, you need to let it trickle off.
Just stop texting back, and when you see her out, of course be polite but dont let her hang off you all night, it's the only way.

Good luck.