Lone father feels under constant threat from mother

LegacyUser

I have a 3 year old nephew who lives with our family at the weekend since his parents (both early 20s) split in his first year. There have been more downs than ups when it comes to guardianship and access rights for the father and a lot of court visits and bitching/fighting over the years.
The situation is that the father really really wants to see his son as much as possible but the mother makes this difficult. The child struggles and has tantrums every Monday morning when it is time to bring him back to his mother. Last week, it was time to bring him home and he started struggling while the dad was dressing him, the father tried to catch him at one stage and pulled his arms (gently) to bring him back into a room. The child started screaming saying that the father broke his hand! When the child went home, he told his mother that his father broke his hand. The mother brought him straight to casualty.
In casualty, the mother told the doctor that the son said his dad broke his hand, this has now been recorded, she also took pictures of the child's arms saying that there was bruising on his arms. She has not made any direct accusations, however she has made a lot of heavy hints in the hospital, in front of the father and the hospital staff and has threatened that if the child comes home from his house with another injury that the gardai will be informed. The father is now extremely worried that if the child happens to fall/get a scratch/bang his head that he will be under suspicion. The child is 3 and this is bound to happen.

My whole family are desperately worried about this situation and do not know where to turn. They feel under terrible pressure when the child visits in case anything happens. It is like the mother has a constant threat over us. Has anyone any advice/suggestions about where to go to get legal advice on this matter? I hope I'm not slated for saying this but it just seems that in lone parent situations, the mother has so many more rights and in this case, I feel like she is using this as a kind of bribing power

SpiderPiglet

My brother is in much the same situation. He has his one year old daughter every second weekend and one night a week.
He adores her but lives in constant fear of his ex and what her mood is going to be.
He is always paranoid if she hurts herself when she's crawling that his ex will make trouble, she has often rang up blaming him if the little one has a runny nappy.
The whole thing is ridiculous. She just does it to cause trouble, she has no intention of raising the child alone and loves her weekends away with her friends. She just wants to hurt him.

I seriously doubt that your brother's access will be cut off without a proper investigation if the ex were to claim the child was being abused.
Unfortuantly it would mean going through the courts again.

Is there anyway that he can sit down with the ex and agree to work together. They both love the child so there should be no reason why they cant try to be friends and work as a team.

We're all hoping this will be the case for my brother, it will be best for the child in the long run.

squirterist

Thanks for your response.

I should have added that there was actually nothing wrong with the childs hand last week, he was sent home again.

I have found some advice line numbers online so hopefully they can help too. You can find more info here for your family case. http://www.onefamily.ie/ Thanks again!

crazzzzy

I know guy in similar situation. The mother is vicious....

She is always telling the kid his father doesn't want him. the father lives in another country now & tries get home as much as possible to see his kid. he rings every week but if hes late ringing the mother tells the kid he couldn't be bothered with him anymore.

She has reported him to guards for an assault that never happened & taken the child on holidays when she knows the father coming home.

The only reason the father knows bout lot of this stuff is that the kid has asked him bout it. the kid is getting bit older now & can see that the mother telling a lot of lies.

What is wrong with these people? No wonder there are so many messed up kids out there.

Without evidence, she cant say he is abusing the child. He could try reason with her that all the fighting is hurting the kid but if shes bitter then it probably wont make any difference

Wantobe

Not to be unkind but this is not your business and if your whole family is butting in you may well be provoking this.

This is between your brother and his ex. If you want to help then adopt an attitude towards the ex that you will be supportive and help her. She is the one left holding the child the majority of the time and that is a great strain. The child is three so cannot express their feelings. But in a couple of years everything will be a lot easier for both your brother and his ex. In the meanwhile try not to take sides.

squirterist

Hi,
Really I am just an observer in this situation with my brother, he asks my advice and I am lost, I don't know how to advise him. That's all. I would happily support the ex if she spoke to me but she doesn't speak to any of the family, eg: when collecting the child from her house, all we will see is her arm, handing him out the door. Its hard not to take sides when the other side is acting unreasonable and making ludicrous accusations which are affecting a family.

Wantobe

squirterist wrote: »

Hi,
Its hard not to take sides when the other side is acting unreasonable and making ludicrous accusations which are affecting a family.

Although I understand what you mean this is exactly the kind of attitude that will alienate this girl.

If you have the opportunity try to reassure her without being accusatory: ie tell her what happened without in anyway suggesting she is overreacting. Also suggest that you could help out with babysitting or anything else possible gently. It will take time but if she feels its not his family versus her the thaw might begin.

Carrigart Exile

SpiderPiglet wrote: »

My brother is in much the same situation. He has his one year old daughter every second weekend and one night a week.
He adores her but lives in constant fear of his ex and what her mood is going to be.
He is always paranoid if she hurts herself when she's crawling that his ex will make trouble, she has often rang up blaming him if the little one has a runny nappy.
The whole thing is ridiculous. She just does it to cause trouble, she has no intention of raising the child alone and loves her weekends away with her friends. She just wants to hurt him.

I seriously doubt that your brother's access will be cut off without a proper investigation if the ex were to claim the child was being abused.
Unfortuantly it would mean going through the courts again.

Is there anyway that he can sit down with the ex and agree to work together. They both love the child so there should be no reason why they cant try to be friends and work as a team.

We're all hoping this will be the case for my brother, it will be best for the child in the long run.

Been there, suffered that and spotted the lever just as you have done:-

'The whole thing is ridiculous. She just does it to cause trouble, she has no intention of raising the child alone and loves her weekends away with her friends.'

Point out if the constant sniping continues then you may have to stop taking your child at the weekend for his own good.

The Corinthian

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Point out if the constant sniping continues then you may have to stop taking your child at the weekend for his own good.

Threatening such a move may be the absolution from responsibility she's been hoping for (i.e. she'd prefer the father out of the picture but doesn't want to be the one who denied access), so I'd be careful about such a bluff unless he's willing to carry it out.

I've heard similar self justifications in the past, such as "don't give him any gifts/letters as I may lose them" (i.e. I want to limit your involvement) or "It's wrong for the child to badmouth the father, but suppressing it is worse" (i.e. I want to badmouth him).

Unfortunately, in such a situation a father has very few options. He can either take the constant abuse and, often, exploitation, or he can give up the ghost. In the former, mother may make his life as difficult and stressful as possible, undermine him at every opportunity and leverage as much money out of him as possible. Other than the social and financial, there are real health consequences to this. In the latter, he may never see his child again, or at the very least will miss out on his child's childhood. Either way he's damned.

As noble as it is to do all that we can for our children, we're not salmon. Making sacrifices for them does not obligate us to kill ourselves or destroy our lives as well. This is why options such as adoption exist for single mothers.

andrewh5

Why oh why do so many women feel the need to treat the father of their child like this? It happened to me years ago and damn nearly destroyed me. Why the hell can't women accept that they may have divorced the father but the child hasn't!

Social services are generally useless in cases like this too. Furthermore the courts nearly always side with the mother. Family law in Ireland needs a damn good shake up IMHO.

Wibbs

While this is an emotive subject and I even agree fathers rights are a big issue, lets try to keep it on topic and practical for the OP. I'm not trying to stifle responses, but debates get us nowhere and this forum is not the place for them. Thanks.

silvine

That's a horrendous situation and makes my blood boil. Perhaps a mediator could help the two resolve their differences?

wolfpawnat

Wantobe wrote: »

Not to be unkind but this is not your business and if your whole family is butting in you may well be provoking this.

This is between your brother and his ex. If you want to help then adopt an attitude towards the ex that you will be supportive and help her. She is the one left holding the child the majority of the time and that is a great strain. The child is three so cannot express their feelings. But in a couple of years everything will be a lot easier for both your brother and his ex. In the meanwhile try not to take sides.

I'm sorry but I have to ask are you the ex, "dont get involved", this man is that childs uncle, he has every right to get involved. It's great to see how much he cares. I am heavily pregnant at the moment and if myself and my boyfriend broke up and his family were doing everything in their power to make everything better for the baby I would be grateful. This man wrote this to ask others for advice not to have someone take sides! (you clearly are siding with the ex with the comment If you want to help then adopt an attitude towards the ex that you will be supportive and help her.) He wants to help them all but most importantly, he's thinking of the child.

I think there is still alot of emotions involved between your bro and his ex, I'm not saying they are of love or spite, but there is obviously something there. Sadly this will not be sorted til they are both happy. Unfortunatly that leaves a 3 year old in a terrible place because he cannot express the way he feels the same way an adult can. He hasnt got the vocabulary or the sense of safety he needs to do so. As for the breaking the arm thing, sadly children dont understand the effect some of their rants have on adults. The ex unfortunatly as the mother naturally has more pull with authorities but your bro cannot be accused of anything without proper proof.

I would suggest that your brother, when the child is with ye, keeps an eye out (you cant prevent every bump and cut) and if he sees that the child is in anyway sore, call a doc or makes sure others know it too, that way if she goes psycho bitch on ye, ye have others that will be able to say what they noticed. Sorry our bro and the ex cant sort this out themselves. And thank you for trying to do whats right for the child:o

The Corinthian

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I am heavily pregnant at the moment and if myself and my boyfriend broke up and his family were doing everything in their power to make everything better for the baby I would be grateful.

This is you though. If all parents were reasonable, or really thought about what was best for the child, this discussion would not be taking place.

This man wrote this to ask others for advice not to have someone take sides! (you clearly are siding with the ex with the comment If you want to help then adopt an attitude towards the ex that you will be supportive and help her.) He wants to help them all but most importantly, he's thinking of the child.

The OP wrote about a situation whereby their brother is being put through Hell and is principally worried about him, and rightly so. We can only take the information at face value, which paints the mother as vindictive and unreasonable and we have no indication that this will change.

In that light, the only practical advice I can think of is that the father has to choose whether he continues to have contact with his child or walks. If trying to maintain contact in that environment results in his ruin (and I'm specifically thinking of physical and mental health), then walking should be seriously considered. Given the law, with regard to fathers, there are unfortunately precious other options available to him.

Sadly this will not be sorted til they are both happy.

It may never be sorted. It really depends on the people involved.

The ex unfortunatly as the mother naturally has more pull with authorities but your bro cannot be accused of anything without proper proof.

You don't need proof to accuse someone, only that your accusation is taken seriously. Unfortunately though, if you through enough mud...

metrovelvet

Unregistered wrote: »

I have a 3 year old nephew who lives with our family at the weekend since his parents (both early 20s) split in his first year. There have been more downs than ups when it comes to guardianship and access rights for the father and a lot of court visits and bitching/fighting over the years.

This would indicate that things are going on a medical record as a kind of back up for any further court disputes over access.

Unregistered wrote: »

The child struggles and has tantrums every Monday morning when it is time to bring him back to his mother.

This is common and not always a comment on either parent, but simply dont feel like the toing and frowing.

Unregistered wrote: »

Last week, it was time to bring him home and he started struggling while the dad was dressing him, the father tried to catch him at one stage and pulled his arms (gently) to bring him back into a room. The child started screaming saying that the father broke his hand! When the child went home, he told his mother that his father broke his hand. The mother brought him straight to casualty.

If your child tells you they have a broken hand you have no choice but to bring them straight to casualty. Otherwise you are negligent. Also, the child is obviously aware of the strain between the parents and is acting out with it and also using it, and perhaps is also a reflection of struggling with divided loyalties.

Unregistered wrote: »

In casualty, the mother told the doctor that the son said his dad broke his hand, this has now been recorded, she also took pictures of the child's arms saying that there was bruising on his arms. She has not made any direct accusations, however she has made a lot of heavy hints in the hospital, in front of the father and the hospital staff and has threatened that if the child comes home from his house with another injury that the gardai will be informed. The father is now extremely worried that if the child happens to fall/get a scratch/bang his head that he will be under suspicion. The child is 3 and this is bound to happen.

Was there bruising on the arms? Yes, at three it is bound to happen. Here's what he should do next time it happens. Take the child to the GP, tell teh GP dad has been previously accused by contentious ex who has threatened to go to the guards. The GP can do a special exam to check for signs of abuse and can fill out a special report for these kinds of things. This way there is a regular record on file.

Unregistered wrote: »

My whole family are desperately worried about this situation and do not know where to turn. They feel under terrible pressure when the child visits in case anything happens. It is like the mother has a constant threat over us. Has anyone any advice/suggestions about where to go to get legal advice on this matter? I hope I'm not slated for saying this but it just seems that in lone parent situations, the mother has so many more rights and in this case, I feel like she is using this as a kind of bribing power

You all need to find a way of peace brokering here. It can be done.

LegacyUser

I think this could be more of a case where the ex is making things as difficult as possible with the child just to get back at the father. I don't know how they broke up or anything, but clearly she still has some issues with it. It's so sad though because the only person who is going to be hurt in the long term is the little kid. Imagine not knowing what it was like to have a mom and a dad who actually spoke kindly to each other (not saying that the dad doesn't, just that a good relationship needs both people to be kind to each other. eg. the mom in this case.) I hope things settle down, sorry to hear that this is all going on.