Getting Over It! Just Impossible it Seems!

LegacyUser

I'm finding it bloody difficult! How do you get over someone if all you think about is them, and you talk to them nearly everyday? Even like, if yer friends and that and naturally it will continue, you knowingly know that nothing will ever materialise from the friendship. I've implied, tried, and failed, but there's always the hope in your head that something could happen in the future...however slim, actually nil.

It's even worse, cos I'm still getting jealous and think about no-one else 24/7/365.

Any advice?

Zillah

GettingOver wrote: »

I'm finding it bloody difficult! How do you get over someone if all you think about is them, and you talk to them nearly everyday?

That's your problem right there.

TripleAce

the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

Wibbs

Sounds bad but lose her as a "friend" for a start. You've ulterior motives so that's hardly friendship.

projectmayhem

Cut her off. Take her number out of your phone, and walk away. Tell her you need space and time to get over the breakup... and leave it at that. If you're destined to be friends, then that will happen over time.

Next step is to go out and meet other women who can take the focus off her. It's not easy by any stretch as for the first while you'll compare these new women to her... but you'll get there.

At the moment I'm in the same situation... nearly the exact same situation actually.

Clare Bear

If it happened to me tomorrow I honestly don't know how I'd cope....but I managed it before so I guess I would again. You HAVE to cut them off. It's the hardest thing in the world to do but you will only prolong the agony if you don't. God love ya, it's a shit road to have to take All the best.

LegacyUser

I don't mean to contadict everyone, but there is a chance this guy dosn't want to cut her out of his life completely and would ultimately prefer a situation in which they could be friends, rather than not be anything at all.

I was besotted with a friend of mine, and now shes my best friend, whom I love dearly, but its just platonic love. And to be honest I'm glad things turned out the way they did, I have a friend for life, that will never be complicated by romance.

BUT...

First you have to ask yourself is a situation like this at all conceivable? If not, then yes cut off contact. And you should think about trying to not see her for a while anyway, at least.

Also - LET GO YOUR HOPE IF THERE'S NO CHANCE!

I know it sounds obvious, but you don't seem to be doing it from your post. I also know its very difficult, but you have to try. Try forget about her. Make a concious effort to not think of her. Also don't idealise her/ feel like she's 'the one' (there is no such thing). She must have some faults everyone does.

I've been going through a lot of heartbreak recently, so on a more practical note - try listening to music that dosn't remind you of her/dosn't make you emotional. Same with films or whatever. Its easy to be self-indulgent in these situations, but if you really want to forget about her, than first step is by making a proper effort that shows it.

Also does she know how you feel? Is she leading you on in any way? Has anything sexual at all happened, because if it has it may be very difficult or more likely impossible to be friends with her. If you really don't want to lose her as a friend or whatever but feel like you can't stop thinking about her, then maybe think about talking to her about it, and yous can try work out the best solution.

Basically as a final word. If the chances are nil, your choices are as follows -

-Accept her as a friend
-Cut her out of your life.

Sounds obvious, but these are your choices the sooner you realise the better.

LegacyUser

You have to cut ties, trust me ive been there.

I was with my ex for a year and half and when we broke up we stayed "friends" but our reletionship never really changed as we were talking every day so it was really hard to move on as it wasnt like we had moved on in the reletionship, if you get me.

anyways we ended up kissing on one occasion and that was it. we both realised that it wasnt going to work as we had broken up for a reason but the whole friends thing wasnt going to work either so we completly cut ties. That was two years ago now and we are friends again. all the feelings are now gone, im with my bf and he has his, no jealousy no weirdness, you just need that time apart to clear the air and move on. Trust me it will work!!

Good luck!:)

crazzzzy

Are you only friends with her because you've feelings for her? You'll never get over her if ye talk/hang out every day. You need some space to get over her.

Spend more time with your other friends & less with her. You havn't said whether she knows of your feelings....if she does then she'll understand why you need space & you can reassure her you still want to be friends. If she doesn't, then she might ask why you don't spend as much time together.

Aurora Borealis

My personal experience on this one is it takes no contact if you want to salvage a friendship. Last two ones I've had. First i was like you truly deeply heartbroken and it had been a very major relationship in my life. I thought my wanting to stay in contact was just holding onto friendship but in reality looking back my head was up my proverbials and i still hoped for more even though I couldn't admit it and was actually seeing someone else. Went through some old emails the other day that I'd thought I'd deleted and God it's plain to see in them how I was really feeling but I just couldn't untangle what I was going thorugh at all. But you live and learn. Best thing would have been to just drop all contact completely as it just got messed up then. There was contact intermittently at my behest primarily and granted of no proper substance ie. couldn't discuss important things that were happening openly so a lot of misunderstandings ensued that are still to this day not cleared nor ever will be.

Second scenario I was the one walking away but was very upset by it because he meant a lot to me but the confusion ( see above) was too much and not fair on him or me either really because I needed space to get my seriously messed up head sorted out. Anyway we both without openly agreeing to it took a few months away from each other a couple of weeks after we split to get that distance. Result I now hang out with him all the time and are at the stage where relationships and dating can be discussed openly.

Not sure first one could've turned out much differently anyway as we had a habit of breaking up and getting back together all the time which is probably not the type of relationship that can translate too easily to friendship as there's no proper end to it in a sense so if yours has been of that ilk I'd strongly question whether you should even try to pursue a friendship but definitely taking that break the other time worked well and he's now one of my closest friends. I suppose we hadn't been together as long either.

You simply can't get over things if those things are there in your face. Remove yourself from the situation and things will become clearer.

Things happen as they're meant to for the most part so stop holding onto the past and let your future find you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the posts guys!

It's not a situation where we broke up or anything, there was never any relationship to begin with, just a one-sided besotted friendship. The friendship was always there and still is, but as I was practically rejected, not in so many words, but you get the hints.

The friendship is still very strong if not as strong as ever...but I still have an underlying strong feeling that won't disappear, anytime soon! Although I haven't made this clear to the friend, nor do I think it would be tactful if I did, as this would ruin everything I fear.

I know people said here about no-one being perfect, I disagree and see someone who is. But I still have some hope that something could materialize...it's easy to say lose your hope, sometimes I agree and think that, mostly however I don't want to give up...it actually gets me through the days to think positively about it, rather than nothing and negatively. Right now, I need that positivity.

bp1989

+1 What everyone else said.

I've actually been in this situation myself, and the only way it stopped was when we had a big argument and stopped talking for like a month.

I barely think about them in that sense anymore.

If you talk to that person every single day, you're just going to make things worse for yourself. Just put a little distance between you. I wouldn't advise telling them why you want space unless you seem to be upsetting them. In that case, tell them so they know they didn't do anything wrong.

If you simply cannot get away from them, focus on the things about them that really annoy you or that you dislike.

LegacyUser

bp1989, thanks for the reply.

Think of things that annoy you bout them? Na, can't think of anything

Probably seems like I'm not helping myself here...or taking your advice, I know you are ALL 100% right...practicing what people preach is really hard. Just something is telling me to persist. It's like I have an urge to...can't stay away!

LegacyUser

Hey this is the same poster here who talked about having been in a similar situation and is now best friends with a person I used to be besotted with (post 6 I think).

OP - You are contradicting yourself here, and its not going to help you out in the long term.

You put up a post saying 'how do I get over her, I want to get over her' or something along those lines. Yet now you seem to be saying that you don't want to get over her - you want to hold on to a hope, to a positivity to help you through this. But, not to be harsh, you said yourself the chances are NIL! If the chances are nil then how is holding onto a false hope going to help you? How is that positive? Its just going to continue to wreck your head and you'll be posting a similar thread to this 6 months down the line.

Ok now for more advice (which I urge to consider/ponder rather than act out, as I don't know the delicates of the situation): -

-The situation I was in was similar, in that I never told my friend but I KNEW nothing was going to happen (she probably knew how I felt, as does your friend about you). Like you I clinged on to a false hope always thinking 'oh but we get on so well etc...' It was only her going out with someone else that woke me up, and maybe I was bummed out for a while but it was all good eventually. So my advice to you is, if you think you can, tell her straight up how you feel. If you are good enough friends yous will survive this, and things won't be awkward. I just feel that you need to hear it from her that there's no chance because you seem to be deluding yourself. You are hanging on to what you feel is a slim slim chance (even though you said the chances were nil), and if there is a slim slim chance then its worth going for if you feel so strongly for her. But by the sounds of it there isn't, so hearing it from her will bum you out big time but its maybe what you need to stop clinging on. It may well get worse before it gets better.

But for me it helped me, I found a great friend who told me where I was going wrong with girls, and helped me get out there and meet some. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to get over her first, cos you dont seem to be.

LegacyUser

yes I agree with the previous poster, you are simply not helping yourself. I was also in a similar situation and I completely forgot about them. You need to if there is a "nil" chance of something happening. Did they ever give you any hints at any stage that they may have fancied you since you were never in a relationship with them?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Yeah, I see what you mean and I think I'll have to act soon as I'm having it pretty tough lately with all this ****. I have to "delete" myself from this situation...or at least "copy&paste" a new attitude towards it straightaway. I'll have to "Shift" myself soon from this and "Control" myself or "Alt" my persona towards her.

I'll have to "Pause" for a moment before I "Insert" any hope into the situation and should just stay "Home" away from her.

I can't think of one for "Num Lock"...

Anyway sorry bout the bad puns there, thanks for the advice poster above me, it hit home when you said it like that.

Thanks.