Back to Square One...

LegacyUser

I'll try keep this as short as possible while getting everything across (sorry its very long). Just looking for some advice/venting...

Basically was going out with a girl for about 8 months. Good relationship, had doubts here and there, but ultimately she was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Anyway she broke up with me, as she had fallen for one of my oldest and best friends (she said she still loved me but couldn't be with me as she was confused). Strangely enough I was slightly relieved as well as heartbroken when she told me. But soon I just wanted her back, realised how special she was to me (there honestly dosn't seem to be any girls like her out there) and was pretty devastated. My relationship with my friend (who would've been the first person I'd have talked to if he hadn't been involved) was fine at first as he hadn't done anything but I understood that it was inevitable they'd get together. We didn't talk about it really, just hung out as usual and vowed that it wouldn't effect our friendship (I didn't want to lose him as a friend). My ex-gf said she still thought the world of me and cared so much for me, and I felt the same about her so we promised to try stay friends. she was still attracted to me and it wasn't sex or anything, it was just that she felt there was a distance between us and that her and my friend had a connection that we didn't. Just to clarify nothing had happened between my gf and friend at this stage (although maybe they 'emotionally cheated' on me?)

Ok, so while I was very cut up, I honestly believed all the clichés about fish in the sea and time etc... And I had met a really cool funny girl who I clicked with, but wasn't entirely sure if I fancied, but we were very flirty etc... Anyway ended up kissing her on a night out only 6 weeks or so after breaking up with my gf, which I instantly regretted because I knew I wasn't over my gf. By this stage my gf told me she and my friend had kissed. Even though I knew it had been coming it still hurt me real bad. Meanwhile, my best friend's advice was to suck it up, move on. (She was very sympathetic at first, but said I that I was clinging on and had to let go.) I took this on board and made a big effort to get over my ex. I went about 2 months without seeing her.

Meanwhile, me and the other girl had hooked up a few more times. I honestly think she is one of the funniest coolest people I've met, but something about it didn't quite feel right and I didn't feel ready to commit. I felt like I was forcing myself to try like her in order to get over my ex which wasn't fair. Also after seeing my ex again very briefly I realised I wasn't over her at all. Anyway this other girl came to me recently and said she thought we'd work better as friends. I was bummed out but I knew she was right and it was unmessy so all good, and I have a great friend out of that situation at least.

But the thing is I had pinned a lot of my hopes on moving on on this new girl, and she had helped me forget about my ex to some extent. I was really hoping I could make things work out because there is no possibility of getting back with my ex. And despite saying I would stay friends with both my ex and her new bf I just can't do it - and I have tried. But I can't look my friend in the eye and neither can he. And everytime I talk to my ex, I just remember what an amazing person she is and how happy I was with her. She seems happier now than she was with me and it breaks my heart whenever I see her.

Its getting to a ridiculous stage now where its almost been longer that I've been apart from my ex than we were together, yet right now I feel just as bad as months ago (possibly worse because I feel theres no hope). I'm stuck in a rut, I'm so disillusioned with the whole thing and I hate being single. I've kissed a couple of girls here and there but I've had no real interest in anyone. I have taken my best friends advice about moving on but it's not much use - I can't help the way I feel, I can't stop myself dreaming about her etc... But I've lost my gf and one of my best friends, and I hate myself for being so selfish that I can't forgive him and ignore my feelings for her. I have tried so hard to move on but its been so long and nothing's worked.

Sorry for long post, realise I probably won't get many replies because of it but any advice/ views from people who have experienced a similar situation would be appreciated. (If it makes any difference everyone involved is in their early 20s)

james123

thats alot to take it would break anyone
your friend is a d!ck and your ex is a selfish b!tch how could they do that forget them both, do not stay friends with any of them. time really is a healer you need to be comfortable with yourself before you find someone else that will mean something to you.

Wibbs

OK IMHO.......

guest858668 wrote: »

Basically was going out with a girl for about 8 months. Good relationship, had doubts here and there, but ultimately she was the best thing that ever happened to me.

First big love for you was it?

Anyway she broke up with me, as she had fallen for one of my oldest and best friends (she said she still loved me but couldn't be with me as she was confused).

See right there she was giving you BS. For a few reasons. Many people dont like emotional confrontation, so will soften the blow. Many don't like to estrange people in the group so will soften the blow. It could also be a simple hedging of bets. The "confused" line is a classic one. As old as the hills. I'm sure back in the caves of antiquity Ms Ugh said to Mr Grunt, "I'm confused". You don't hear it much from blokes, their version is "I'm not ready for anything serious". Now both of these excuses can actually be true, but even when they are, it really boils down to this; she didn't fancy/love you enough to stay. That's it in a nut shell.

Strangely enough I was slightly relieved as well as heartbroken when she told me.

Because you're insecure and you feel somewhere deep down that you didn't "deserve" to keep her.

But soon I just wanted her back, realised how special she was to me (there honestly dosn't seem to be any girls like her out there) and was pretty devastated.

Again insecurity on your part. The world is full of women(and men for that matter). Are you trying to tell me that a woman who you only had a relationship(with doubts here and there) for 8 months, is out of all the millions of women out there the most special and best person you will ever meet? Eh no. Just no. Trust me. My first infatuation? Nearly your age I was. I wouldn't go out with for a bet now. At the time I would have french kissed rattlesnakes to even hug her. I'm quite sure wherever she is now, she's happy with a middle management partner, 3 snotty kids and an overblown mortgage and good luck to her, but she wouldn't float my boat now. Four gallons of viagra wouldnt convince me otherwise. Get that straight in your head for a start. She's not the only one for you. She wasn't for you and there is someone better for you out there, once you start to move away from this mindset.

Ok, so while I was very cut up, I honestly believed all the clichés about fish in the sea and time etc...

I don't think you did frankly, or you wouldn't be here. what you were doing was saying "yes there are other fish in the sea, but I want THAT fish and I've pinned all my hopes on THAT fish". Big diff there ted.

But the thing is I had pinned a lot of my hopes on moving on on this new girl,

Bad plan as you found out the hard way. Replacement never works. Ever.

She seems happier now than she was with me and it breaks my heart whenever I see her.

Which plugs into that insecurity again. It's feeding itself at this stage. TBH I would not be surprised that it was your insecurity was the reason she bailed. A large part of it anyway. I mean she liked the look fo you enough to go out with you. Insecurity is a major turn off to women. Men may say it is for them, but not nearly to the same degree.

I have tried so hard to move on but its been so long and nothing's worked.

No, sorry to contradict you. You haven't tried to move on at all. You've gone through the motions with somewhere in the back of your head, some vain hope she'll see sense, with a side order of distraction with rebound girl. She was right to dump you too, as she would have gotten hurt down the line.

Your insecurity that was latent(and after the madness of puberty is latent in most), is now in self indulgent mode. Now you will likely have people tell you that they're your feelings and that's it. Word to the wise it's not. That's surrender to your feelings defeatist crapola. Your thoughts and actions drive your feelings. If you suddenly got amnesia tomorrow, would you feel like this about her? No you wouldn't. Why, because the memories and the thoughts that conjure her up would no longer be there. Being this self indulgent is not good and as you've noticed, it doesn't get any better. I would reckon that on a damn near hourly basis you think of her and wish and hope and fantasise about her. Guess what that is a fantasy. It is not her, it is your mental construct of her. And as such can be deconstructed.

So what do you do about it? Right forget about other fish in the sea etc for the moment. You're too emotionally delicate to go fishing just yet. First step, is to say to yourself, "It's over and that's painful but good in the long term". Keep telling yourself this. Every time she pops into your head, imagine her going invisible or something like that. Think up your own imagery, you've likely got a fertile imagination so whatever floats your boat. Avoid any contact with her or your ex friend(BTW that's over too for the moment). If you have to get a new circle of mates, then do so. Do something for you. The usual cliche of join a gym, take a course, jump outa planes etc does work. Do that. If something frightens you, then defo do it. Expect bad days and hours and minutes, but keep reminding yourself that you will forget about her in time. You will. Of course if you keep actively thinking about this fantasy you won't so as I say stop. It's really as simple as that. In 20 years time when you've fallen for a few more and they for you, you'll barely be able to picture her face. Just speed up that process and start today, thie minute.

My 2cents anyhoo.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Just reread my post and wanted to clarify that the best friend (a girl)who was giving me advice is a DIFFERENT friend from the one who's now with my ex. Just thought that mightve been confusing.

As for my ex being a bitch - she broke up with me for what seems like the right reasons. and she was honest with me from the start, didnt do anything behind my back and has always tried to help me out since we broke up. only thing i would say is that she confused me a lot the first couple of weeks, but she was confused herself and was doing her best.

Kirnsy

maybe you should consider cutting contact with your ex.
thats the only way for a real clean break...

i realise shes going out/scoring your best mate but is he really the sorta guy you would still go to with problems??

personally i would do my best to ditch both even if temporarily.

Baird

All i can say is that it was 8 months, seriously its not that long.
You sound like you were married to her for 10 years and out of the blue she dumped
you for someone else. You went out with her for 8 months and that was 8 months ago
now for crying out loud. Most of the memories you must have of her at this stage are
about as true to life as crap you see on tv. She was not as perfect as you thought, she
was a heartless bitch who dumped you for your friend and somehow managed to make
you the villian.

The fact that you in no way are pissed off at your friend to me definitely means you are
completely spineless. If one of my mates decided to hook up with my ex a few weeks
after she broke up with me because she was into him id be furious.
You really and truely need to start to grow up here, you sound needy and insecure and
im sorry if that is harsh but to be honest its pretty fair.
Your ex is a bitch and your mate was more than a prick. You are better off without either of them. Its time to start growing up now and moving on.

nomorebadtown

Just on a side note, your best friend, the guy who is now boning your ex, is in fact not your best friend at all. And he had the cheek to tell you to 'suck it up' and you accepted this advice ?!! I don't care what anyone says about maturity, moving on, not being insecure/clingy - getting with your (best) friend's ex is NOT cool. Seriously, that sh1t is off the menu. You are well shot of both of them. She was a great person on the outside but in the end she dumped you for your best mate (no regard for your feelings.) and he, despite knowing how you felt, is now going out with the girl you love (no regard for your feelings, whatsoever.)...Its a headwrecker and a heartbreaker, i know man, i know. Don't try and replace your ex with a new girlfriend right now, you are obviously not ready for a relationship...all you can do is go out and hook up with some nice ladies and time will heal.

LegacyUser

OP here again

wibbs- thankyou for taking the time to read my post and giving advice.

A lot of what you say at the end is probably true and is very helpful I will try doing this. I really do want to forget about it and move on, but as I've said I cant control my subconcious and I will often have dreams about her. However, I know I am being self-indulgent at the moment and that I must start trying to forget, its just after a couple of nights ago everything seems like its come crashing down and started all over again.

But a lot of what you said before is not true, and I know you think I'm probably clutching at straws or am too immature to see the truth or whatever but you have got some stuff wrong and I just want to clarify stuff for other readers.

Firstly she wasn't feeding me bull**** about being 'confused'. She was in love with me and was incredibly upset about breaking up (more so than me at the very start, and yes I'm aware that a lot of this was guilt, but she was also genuinely saddened it had come to an end). I even put it to her that she never loved me so she could've said it if it was the case but she was offended that I would think so. She'd be an Oscar winning actress if that was a performance. And I know for a fact that she couldn't lie like that. Ultimately she didn't see the relationship lasting - this guy had more in common in terms of circles of friends, interests etc... it was often difficult for us to spend time together (due to work, college etc...), whereas they would come into contact often. and she felt like there'd be something more with him. Another thing I didn't mention earlier is that the pill was messing up her head, and I often wasn't there with her when she was feeling down (mixture of me being a bit freaked out with seriousness of relationship/feeling burderned by responsibility and not actually physically being there) so thats how she started an emotional bond with the other guy.

Also re: the insecurity point. I can understand why you would think that because I'm probably coming across like that in the post and I am a bit now after all thats happened. But it certainly wasn't the case during the relationship - it was the fact that I was in my first serious relationship and didn't know how to deal with her when she was on a downer/ a sense that it just wasn't 'right'. She didn't stop fancying me or anything (I'm not trying to convince myself here, again she told me and she wouldn't lie. and believe me it wouldve been easier if I couldve put it down to something as simple as that).

Also I want to point out I'm not clinging on any false hope that we'll get back together. I know its over, that's why I want to move on.

But yeah what you say at the end is true my rational head knows its true because everyone keeps telling me! And I really did believe it at the start (despite what you think). Its just now my emotions or whatever are messing me up, but I will try and control them like you say thankyou again.

Wibbs

guest6735376 wrote: »

As for my ex being a bitch - she broke up with me for what seems like the right reasons. and she was honest with me from the start, didnt do anything behind my back and has always tried to help me out since we broke up. only thing i would say is that she confused me a lot the first couple of weeks, but she was confused herself and was doing her best.

Ah bless she's clearly a saint. The poor thing.:rolleyes: OK now this would not be my usual response, but FFS you need to get angry. It would be natural to get angry. Very natural. Your girlfriend gets "confused" and dumps you, keeps you around while she's "confused" and then in the middle of this "confusion" slips and falls on your friends lips and god alone knows where else? No wonder she left. While I cant abide men who fly off the handle, I equally have little respect for men who sit there and take it. Equally nuts, equally unattractive and equally weak.

Yes she was well within her rights to give you the heave ho. She's a free agent. That's cool, but for gods sake man grow a spine and clue and react. So far all you've done is mope around like a self indulgent child. You are in your 20's now. Time to start growing up and part of that process is knowing when you should feel hurt and angry as much as knowing when you shouldn't.

LegacyUser

OP again -
it wasn't my friend who's going out with my ex who told me to 'suck it up', it was a different friend (sorry I know that was confusing on the original post). and most people on here seem to be telling me the same thing, its probably good advice its just quite tough!

I'm a bit surprised at the bad rap my ex is getting considering she was completely open and honest with me. but hey I asked for it so if thats what people think

Wibbs

guest6735376 wrote: »

OP here again

wibbs- thankyou for taking the time to read my post and giving advice.

no worries but it is just my opinion...

A lot of what you say at the end is probably true and is very helpful I will try doing this.

Best plan.

But a lot of what you said before is not true, and I know you think I'm probably clutching at straws or am too immature to see the truth or whatever but you have got some stuff wrong and I just want to clarify stuff for other readers.

OK...

Firstly she wasn't feeding me bull**** about being 'confused'. She was in love with me and was incredibly upset about breaking up (more so than me at the very start, and yes I'm aware that a lot of this was guilt, but she was also genuinely saddened it had come to an end). I even put it to her that she never loved me so she could've said it if it was the case but she was offended that I would think so. She'd be an Oscar winning actress if that was a performance. And I know for a fact that she couldn't lie like that.

Oh no she may have even believed it herself, but IMHO she was still not telling you the real deal. They were really well presented excuses. Of course she wasn't going to say she never loved you. She did at some point so that was basically a silly question and got an honest answer.

Ultimately she didn't see the relationship lasting - this guy had more in common in terms of circles of friends, interests etc... it was often difficult for us to spend time together (due to work, college etc...), whereas they would come into contact often. and she felt like there'd be something more with him.

OK and again in my experience and opinion and some may disagree and even object, but here we go...... People, especially women are emotion driven when it comes to sex attraction and romance. They feel something and act on that and then explain it to themselves. I've seen women(among the smartest people I know) go from a "logically" perfect guy and leave him and go out with a completely "illogical" choice. All the time in fact. I have never in my life known or seen a woman make a decision like this based on "logic". Rightly so too. That was pure excuse. Put it this way all those "objections" and "reasons" didn't make her leave you for 8 months. they didn't stop her from going for you in the first place. So what changed? I mean all her "reasons" were the same as they were 2 months in. Does not compute there ted. What changed was new guy on the scene. Your mate. She felt more of an emotional draw for him. That draw was stronger for him than for you. It is as simple as that.

Another thing I didn't mention earlier is that the pill was messing up her head, and I often wasn't there with her when she was feeling down (mixture of me being a bit freaked out with seriousness of relationship/feeling burderned by responsibility and not actually physically being there) so thats how she started an emotional bond with the other guy.

Possibly, but she also chose to do so. You have a part to play too, if you were not meeting her needs. I am not putting it all on her.

Also re: the insecurity point. I can understand why you would think that because I'm probably coming across like that in the post and I am a bit now after all thats happened.

OK. Fair enough.

But it certainly wasn't the case during the relationship - it was the fact that I was in my first serious relationship and didn't know how to deal with her when she was on a downer/ a sense that it just wasn't 'right'.

Oh I get you relationships need practice.

She didn't stop fancying me or anything (I'm not trying to convince myself here, again she told me and she wouldn't lie. and believe me it wouldve been easier if I couldve put it down to something as simple as that).

You are serious? Simple fact. If she still fancied you she would be with you. More to the point if she fancied you more than your mate then she would be with you. I've known men and women that would jump out of relationships for damn near no reason at all, suddenly stick with someone who appeared less suitable or long distance or age gap or whatever obstacle you can think of. Why? Because they fancied and had more of a connection with that person than previous.

Also I want to point out I'm not clinging on any false hope that we'll get back together. I know its over, that's why I want to move on.

You say it, but I honestly don't believe you believe it.

.

davyjose

guest6735376 wrote: »

As for my ex being a bitch - she broke up with me for what seems like the right reasons. and she was honest with me from the start, didnt do anything behind my back and has always tried to help me out since we broke up. only thing i would say is that she confused me a lot the first couple of weeks, but she was confused herself and was doing her best.

Jesus man, why are you defending her? That's proof you won't allow yourself let go. A little bit of hatred right now will do you good, to be honest. Because all this time you're wasting on her now, that's what you'll end up being bitter about.

davyjose

guest676575 wrote: »

I'm a bit surprised at the bad rap my ex is getting considering she was completely open and honest with me. but hey I asked for it so if thats what people think

I just murdered someone, but hey, I was open and honest about it, so I guess I'm all good, right?

Don't get sold by the whole openess and honesty shpeel, if someone is an a$$hole, then all the openess in the world won't detract from that.

And your ex sounds like an a$$hole.

Wibbs

davyjose wrote: »

And your ex sounds like an a$$hole.

TBH I dont think she's that. She's just a young woman, who went out with a bloke, feel for him, then for various reasons, fell out of that, or met someone she had a bigger connection with. She felt guilty for going for his mate and to help him and assuage that guilt and feel better about herself, she tried to ease him down gently. It also kept her standing in their circle of mates. Standard operational. She would have been far better off telling him she couldn't stand him and telling to take a hike. OK more guilt for her, but he wouldn't have this going on 8 months down the line.

LegacyUser

OP again...

Yeh you're pretty much spot on in your last two posts wibbsy - at the end of the day she had a stronger emotional attraction to this other guy.

I've had a big 'ol sleep on it and taken all the advice on board, especially wibbs' mantra about it telling myself 'it will be better in the long term'.

On a more practical note, I think I will try not to see either of them. I havn't spoken to my friend for months anyway, and I avoid him whenever I see him. This won't be impossible because we don't actually share that wide a group of friends; my main group of friends and their main group of friends are different, although there are of course crossovers. I am bound to bump into them now and again, but I will keep my head down and keep walking.

As for the getting angry thing - I dunno I will try, I have felt some anger especially towards my friend, but never displayed it openly. I dunno call it spineless, or weak or whatever, but I'm not a fan of confrontation and I thought that the best thing all round would be trying to work things out with everyone (incerdibly naivee I realise now, but it certainly wasn't the easy option.)

Anyway its probably good I got all this off my chest, and got some objective advice and while I felt sh!t last night after reading some of the posts, I probably needed to hear a lot of it. There's probably not much more anyone can tell me, so you can consider this closed, cheers again.

LolaDub

Tbh as a girl i woudn't break up with someone and use the 'i'm confused' reason. While confusion can occur in relationships its something you should work on to become not confused. I think its a cop out to say this when you're breaking up with someone.

By breaking up with you and saying she's confused and she cares for you and someone else, etc, she is giving you false hopes that she will come back to you later. This really isn't fair and she's holding you back from moving on. If she was genuinely confused about you vs your friend then she should be alone for a while until she gets her head sorted, as you've found out going from one relationship to another is usually not healthy.

I think you should cut all contact with her and your friend (don't get me started on this) for a few months minimum. Get a hobby, take up other interests and you'll meet people and you will move on. It sounds tough but imo it honestly is the best plan for you and any future relationship you might have. Good luck!

FishFood

OP I think you need to read your own posts again and look purely at the facts and not what your ex told you or how hurt she acted when actually breaking up with you.
When someone breaks up with another they usually put it in the softest terms possible and conceal the real reason. In this case, she chose someone else over you, fact. The same thing recently happened to myself. Whatever else she says, this fact remains.
Secondly, the person she chose was your friend (best friend whatever), now if he was really a friend he wouldnt have let the situation with your gf get to this stage, I know I (any many, many others wouldnt anyway).
So right there you have two perfectly acceptable reasons to get angry with both of them.
Thirdly, your ex has made a decision to try to soften HER guilt by making it easier, not for you, but for HER by seeming to care about you still and including you. This will only serve to make this long and drawn out.

For gods sake man, she left you for your friend, she doesnt deserve you and neither does your friend. And yet you still come on here and defend her, its almost like your the ex trying to justify her actions! At the end of the day, she made a selfish choice and chose her happiness, you have to be equally as selfish and GET ON WITH YOUR OWN LIFE! You are seriously much better off with both of them gone. Be single for a while, get out there, get to know and like yourself again and for the love of god you are entitled to be angry at them and cut all contact, its the only way.

Wibbs

Just in case the OP's last post was missed on the last page.

guest6735376 wrote: »

OP again...

Yeh you're pretty much spot on in your last two posts wibbsy - at the end of the day she had a stronger emotional attraction to this other guy.

I've had a big 'ol sleep on it and taken all the advice on board, especially wibbs' mantra about it telling myself 'it will be better in the long term'.

On a more practical note, I think I will try not to see either of them. I havn't spoken to my friend for months anyway, and I avoid him whenever I see him. This won't be impossible because we don't actually share that wide a group of friends; my main group of friends and their main group of friends are different, although there are of course crossovers. I am bound to bump into them now and again, but I will keep my head down and keep walking.

As for the getting angry thing - I dunno I will try, I have felt some anger especially towards my friend, but never displayed it openly. I dunno call it spineless, or weak or whatever, but I'm not a fan of confrontation and I thought that the best thing all round would be trying to work things out with everyone (incerdibly naivee I realise now, but it certainly wasn't the easy option.)

Anyway its probably good I got all this off my chest, and got some objective advice and while I felt sh!t last night after reading some of the posts, I probably needed to hear a lot of it. There's probably not much more anyone can tell me, so you can consider this closed, cheers again.

Wibbs

guest6735376 wrote: »

I dunno call it spineless, or weak or whatever, but I'm not a fan of confrontation and I thought that the best thing all round would be trying to work things out with everyone (incerdibly naivee I realise now, but it certainly wasn't the easy option.)

I dont think it's really spineless. I think it's just that you haven't used these emotions before. It could have gone both ways. You over reacting by flipping out and lashing out the digs, or by reacting the way you did in a more passive way. TBH although I think a bit of getting angry, ie the middle path, would have been good, it is to your credit that even though you were hurt you didn't lash out.

Kudos on the rest of your post BTW. Good luck with it too.

beth-lou

guest676575 wrote: »

OP again -
it wasn't my friend who's going out with my ex who told me to 'suck it up', it was a different friend (sorry I know that was confusing on the original post). and most people on here seem to be telling me the same thing, its probably good advice its just quite tough!

I'm a bit surprised at the bad rap my ex is getting considering she was completely open and honest with me. but hey I asked for it so if thats what people think

Just because someone is honest about what they are doing, it still doesn't make what they are doing right.

What she did was wrong. How dare she go after your best friend. It takes a certain type of person to be able to to that, and most often they are selfish and a little callous. And her telling you detailed accounts of what's going on is cruel, whether you want to know or not.

As for your friend. He's just as bad. Neither of these people care about your feelings. I'm sorry to say, but they didn't really factor you into the equation at all. They decided that your feelings / friendship was worth risking for their relationship. Who knows, maybe it was, maybe they'll stay together forever. Either way they are not good for you and you need to distance yourself from them both if you are to move on.

My advice in short is cut all ties and get on with your own life and stop making excuses for their horrendous behaviour.

Edit: Just read your last post and I'm glad to hear you have walked away from them.
Best of luck. There are much nicer people out there, I promise!

LolaDub

guest6735376 wrote: »

OP again...

Yeh you're pretty much spot on in your last two posts wibbsy - at the end of the day she had a stronger emotional attraction to this other guy.

I've had a big 'ol sleep on it and taken all the advice on board, especially wibbs' mantra about it telling myself 'it will be better in the long term'.

On a more practical note, I think I will try not to see either of them. I havn't spoken to my friend for months anyway, and I avoid him whenever I see him. This won't be impossible because we don't actually share that wide a group of friends; my main group of friends and their main group of friends are different, although there are of course crossovers. I am bound to bump into them now and again, but I will keep my head down and keep walking.

As for the getting angry thing - I dunno I will try, I have felt some anger especially towards my friend, but never displayed it openly. I dunno call it spineless, or weak or whatever, but I'm not a fan of confrontation and I thought that the best thing all round would be trying to work things out with everyone (incerdibly naivee I realise now, but it certainly wasn't the easy option.)

Anyway its probably good I got all this off my chest, and got some objective advice and while I felt sh!t last night after reading some of the posts, I probably needed to hear a lot of it. There's probably not much more anyone can tell me, so you can consider this closed, cheers again.

I do feel bad for you Op, i'm sure everybody does. Unfortunately i'd say we've nearly all been there and know that pitying ourselves just draws out the pain for longer. As you said you already met a nice girl and couldn't commit to her because of your ex. Give it a little bit of time and you'll meet someone again, you sound like a decent guy from your posts, once you get a bit of distance from her i'm sure you'll feel much better. Good luck