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Domination??
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16-11-2008 5:04pm#1
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I'd say if it's something you can't do naturally it won't be pleasurable for you.
Complete opposite here. I met a lovely guy online (well virtually met) and like yourself through texts discover he's more looking to dominate... i eint no sub so.... it's doubtful it would work. But the craic is good.
If youre looking for a serious boyfriend run a mile, if youre looking for an experience invest in a whip
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Talk to him about it tell him how your feeling about it. Maybe leave it a wee while. As its it is new; you probably have lots of stuff to discover about each other- sexually and non sexually.
Rent the film secatary mild but may be a good start. ANyway whatever you do enjoy it and dont take it too seriously just make sure he is egar to please you in return 0 -
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Being a varied lot, there are lots of different ways of thinking about BDSM within the BDSM community. The majority turn around slightly different opinions of either Safe, Sane & Consensual or Risk Aware Consensual Kink. The one thing that is emphasised by the majority though, is that consent is key. While that most obviously applies to the bottom, it is just as important for the top.
So remember from the get go that you do not have to do anything you are not happy with. More importantly (because it can feel less reasonable) doing something does not mean you have to agree to it another time. Doing something a hundred times does not mean that you have to do it 101 times.
You can make use of the very sort of scenario he is looking for to help this be the case. After all, if mistress doesn't want to do something, then how dare that pathetic little excuse of a man suggest otherwise!
If, as would seem to be the case, he is more into the idea of a D/s situation than you are, then focus on what benefits you get from it. For example, as you say having him doing the housework is win-win in you at least get the housework done. Go with that, enjoy not having to do the housework (it is indeed win-win, we "let" a cleaning fetishist clean our flat [they don't have a D/s thing, just a cleaning thing] and I assure you, nobody cleans an oven as someone who gets turned on doing it). So have him do all the housework, and make sure you don't put up with a shoddy job! If it's not done well enough then make sure they do it again and do it properly.
Beyond that, a big practical problem is your relative lack of confidence and experience. Start by asking him in a relatively calm way to tell you what sort of things interest him, and how he wants to feel about them (which is an important thing, two tops might punish people in exactly the same thing but while one is saying "you're a good [girl/boy], and I cherish you and care for you and just want to help you be the best subbie any [master/mister] could wish for" and following the punishment with a lot of hugs and comforting another is saying "you're a worthless little slut, you're just a sex-doll that can move a bit and clean up after yourself and with a sex-doll I wouldn't have to put up with your being such a stupid, ugly piece of crap" and being cold to them after. Very, very, very different despite the physical act being the same, and people who can enjoy one may not enjoy the other (indeed, someone who could enjoy the first would likely find the second traumatic), so it's important to know which is which.
It sounds like he's a bit towards the latter end from what you say about wanting to grovel, but just how far is another question. This could be harder on yourself than if otherwise: I know that when I comfort my girl after either a punishment or a play session that involves her being hurt that it is comforting to me too, and I need to "come down" a bit as well as her. Still, the chances are he would like some degree of comforting or gentle play (you don't have to always be hard on a sub, even if they are towards the more extreme end of how one can express submission, even pain-sluts like being pampered and petted sometimes, and people into milder* submission very often do).
After he's told you a few such things, you have a "menu" of things to choose from, and are at great liberty to decide what happens where or when. You could have him put it in a letter. From there on you can do more within the context of a scene; having him write down how different things make him feel in an active D/s context (think about being made to write an essay as a punishment in school) can be very powerful as well as useful practically.
If it does work, it won't be in a static way. Expect things to change for both of you. The way my girl and I express dominance and submission is very different now than it was when we were just beginning to date, and we started that as two people who already both had an interest in such. It might seem obvious that if you if this sort of relationship ends up working for you it will mean changes for you (since you weren't expecting to be in this sort of situation at all), but be prepared for changes from him too, especially if he hasn't actually been in a D/s relationship, but just fantasised about it.
Since it sounds like he wants to be a serving sub in a lot of ways, make use of that. Again we're back to the housework thing, but it can go beyond that. If you find it hard to physically punish him, then have him do things. You can make a sub punish themselves without lifting a finger if they're of the right attitude. You can make them smack themselves, and you can make people do very painful or unpleasant things to themselves with things like deep heat, clothes pins, nettles, or castor oil (nanny's favourite medicine!). Now, for me that would be nowhere near as much fun as being more "hands-on" so to speak, but it might work well for you if you find it hard to be physically severe.
You can do a lot by having different degrees of information about a situation. If he's into humiliation then have your most adventurous unshockable friend come over for tea and when he's not expecting it go into "mistress mode". You might know its your friend that goes to fetish clubs herself, but he may not! (This is still a pretty extreme thing emotionally, so don't do it in the first week or so unless it seems very likely to work; doing something with his friends there is much more extreme again).
The trick to humiliation is to find the things that hit their buttons enough to not be shrugged off, but not so much as to actually be traumatic. This is why humiliation play can be particularly tricky, but becomes easier as you get to know someone. In all its not that different to slagging a friend, but more extreme; it's no fun if it goes too far, but can be beyond that. It can also be important to build up the scene. If he's just come home from a busy day at work that's been tough and you call him a useless bollix then that could be genuinely upsetting even if he came just from calling him a lot worse the night before.
A reasonably fair bet with a male sub is anything around is ability to control his sexual response. If he gets an erection when you've done anything toppy then tease him about it, and suggest it proves he's a natural servant. Rub his penis just gently (which any man would like) and then tell him off for enjoying it and don't let him take the natural course. More generally its a very good idea generally for a Dom or Domme to assume the right to control when, how and if a sub gets any sexual pleasure. Apart from being something he'll likely enjoy, at a practical level it gives you immediate control over a big part of his psyche and hence makes all of topping him easier. It also gives you an easy way to allow him treats (carrot as well as stick). With a male sub there's the practical advantage that orgasm has a physical result. If he cums then don't let him clean it up immediately but tell him he's been dirty and you're ashamed to be the mistress of someone with so little self-control. Requires pretty much no effort to do that, and it's very likely to hit a lot of buttons.
Above all, make as much use of what bits are good for you as you can. And of course, you don't have to wonder if anything you might want to try is okay with him. Just tell him to do as he's told.†
* "Mild" vs. "Extreme" isn't always straightforward. A whipping with a lot of force in a club between two people who've just met can be much milder emotionally than a hand-spanking between two people in a long-term D/s relationship where the sub has previously been told at length why they've let themselves and their master or mistress down and earned a punishment.
† Though seriously, while you can expect him to do as he's told, always be prepared to change plans if he gets freaked by something, and always give him the space he needs to express that being freaked out before its too late.0 -
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