head wrecked at moment - the whole truth or half?

LegacyUser

Never posted before, long time reader etc. Feel more like writing it down to make sense of than genuinely seeking advice but appreciated.

Being seeing my GF for 8 months now. We only started the whole BF & GF thing in July. I should start by saying that my GF answered any of my questions about the incindent and said she just felt guilty and had to tell me cus she believes in being fully honest with a BF as do I and she knows that. Basically my GF told me about a night she spent in an ex's bed (Not a real ex, met once a month for sex maybe) 3 months ago. She had been on, off seeing this guy since sept 07 to jan 08. Then she stopped seeing him except till march 08 and then we met. She did tell me that he text / rang on nights out looking for a hook up etc but she ignored it while we started seeing each other.

Then in July she was out with a bunch of mates and was coming near the end of the night. She said that this guy rang her and said did she want to meet up etc. She told him that she had a BF now and wasnt going to do anything but she did want to stay out and he told her there was a house party to go to if she wanted to go. Her mates went home and she decided that she wanted to go back to a house party and she also thought it would be a good way to get some closure about their whole relationship and to finally tell him stop ringing/texting me etc. So she went back to this house party with him but it turned out there was no house party and was back in his place, big surprise. I told her thats exactly what a guy would do just to get a girl home. She said when she found out there wasnt a house party they ended up talking about their relationship and how it went and that she was telling him that she was in a new relationship now and he wasnt to ring/text her anymore. He told her he wanted to go out with her now etc (He wouldnt commit when they were together but now that she is unavailable he wants to go out). So she claims they chatted for awhile and he said he was going to bed. It was late and she decided to stay over the night so she got into bed with him, fully clothed she assures me. She says she spend 20mins in bed and then thought she didnt want to be there so got up and went on the couch while ringing a taxi to take her home. Taxi arrived and she went home.

When she got home, her mate, a lad. Was in her bed. Now this lad has been her friend for years and she also told me another nite that she had slept with him on a drunken night out 2 years previous. So she got into bed with her lad mate and went to sleep. I should say that this lad doesnt particularly like me for some reason, her I assume and she told me that he would try score her on a night out even though he has a GF himself. The way the whole conversation came up was because I said she sounded weird the day after this alleged incident which I had no idea about. This was on the phone I spoke to her and it was the only day I have thought she sounded weird, guilt perhaps. So she spilled about that night 3 months later. Now she swears that she has never cheated on me since we first met and only went to the guys house cus she thought there was a house party and cus she wanted to get closure from him and that she is just mates with this lad mate of her's and that them two sleeping together 2 years ago way before I came on the scene was a big mistake and didnt mean anything nor did them sleeping in the bed.

We had a massive row anyway cus I felt betrayed. She got really upset and promised me that she hadnt cheated on me, loved me and just wanted to be honest with me cus she felt guilty for not telling me. We did talk about it alot over the next few days and it ended with me accepting that she didnt do anything in the bed with him and that I do in fact trust her. What brought it back up is last night she got a missed call with me about 3am. She told me straight away that the ex had rang her. I asked her was this the 1st time he rang her since that night? She said yes and couldnt understand why he was ringing again. I was pissed cus I know he hasnt given up and that was either a checken in ring to see if she still had a BF or that she still meets him everyonce in awhile behind my back and I dont know about it. The thing is, my GF does seem like a trustworth person and I never normally got these jealous feelings but its cus Im mad about her really and she tells me she is mad about me too. What annoyed me as well was she said she didnt do anything wrong and I shouldnt be getting annoyed yet when I say "oh would you mind if I spent the night in an ex's bed then?" she says no I wouldnt want you to do that and ye I'd be pissed about it.

I've been thinking about this the past week and I tend to over think and focus in on too many little things that were said. I think I need a fresh pair of eyes on it to see what ppl make of it.

Aurora Borealis

OP I'm all for trusting in a relationship and that's despite having been burned badly and cheated on in a serious relationship and ultimately you have to trust your instincts and trust in the good in people but I find it strange that this ex calls months later just at the time when your gf has told you about what happened. The events themselves to me sound believable but that the timing of his call seems odd to me.

I hope I'm wrong because it's an awful awful thing to go through but that is initial reaction to reading your post.

Talk to her somemore if you don't feel comfortable with what she's telling you.

JDLK

Theres more red flags here then there was in the closing ceremony of the Chinese olympics!!!

Mate wake up and smell the coffee, this girl has trouble written all over her, get out while you still can

MagicMarker

Sorry dude, this is way to much drama for a relationship lasting 8 months!

She knew exactly what he was looking for when he first contacted her, they were basically fúck buddies, yet she still met him.

She got into bed with him? What possible reason would she have to do this, why would she think this was ok?

Once she got home, she got into bed with her male friend? Now under certain circumstances I wouldn't have a problem with this, sleeping with a friend who you had sex with at one stage is not one of them.

If nothing happened, why does she feel so guilty?

Most importantly, it's suspicious that she would receive a call from this ex just after telling you about all of this, supposedly for the first time since the incident?

I have to say I wouldn't be so trusting in your position.

Do i think she cheated that night? I'm not sure, quite possibly.
Do I think something has happened recently to bring this all up? Yep.

Best case scenario? She's telling you the absolute truth and you've nothing to worry about.

Worst case scenario? She cheated that night, has been cheating ever since, her ex threatens to tell you all about it so she beats him to the punch and plays all innocent.

After 8 months, it's not worth it either way.

Morlar

JDLK wrote: »

Theres more red flags here then there was in the closing ceremony of the Chinese olympics!!!

I would agree with that totally. If she had wanted 'closure' she did not need to go to his house in the middle of the night without any of her friends to get it. She could have had a coffee with the guy the next day and told you about it in advance. There is too much stuff going on there for there to be nothing at all behind it imo.

metrovelvet

I don't know. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. I think her biggest mistake her was looking for closure AFTER she got involved with someone else, you.

This is one of those things where you can choose either to believe her or not believe her and then take it from there.

It really depends on how much you care for her and how much she is worth to you.

peanuthead

MagicMarker wrote: »

Do i think she cheated that night? I'm not sure, quite possibly.
Do I think something has happened recently to bring this all up? Yep.

I agree.

If this guy is hounding her, and like she's telling you, she's finished with him and wants nothing more to do with him, whats stopping her changing her number.

However, is it possible she may have gotten missed calls at that time of the night other times, but you're suspicious and on edge at the moment because of what she told you recently?

One thing I should say is that if he is calling her up in the middle of the night, thats kind of beyond her control, and not her fault. She should change her number though. Trouble is, you have to suggest that to her without looking like an over protective lunatic!

Good luck

St Bill

Your girlfriend should have clear boundaries with her ex and housemate, but she doesn't, and this leads me to believe that she doesn't know what she wants.
You have two choices :
Wait for her to make up her mind and possibly wreck your head (although she might surprise you and deal with it in a mature way)
Leave her. You can then begin looking for a girl who'll give you less drama

Personally, I think your girlfriend has to wake up to herself before she loses you. It's all well and good to be there for your girlfriend when she's going through this uncertainty in her life (I'm assuming that she's not doing all this just to make your life a misery), but unfortunately she's dragged you into her uncertainty and it's up to you to decide if you want to deal with all this.

Trinity

I'm sorry OP but I dont believe a word she says.

She slept with 2 lads on the same night fully clothed? She didnt know where her ex lived and arrived there and surprise it was his house? Too many coincidences.

Shes only sounding guilty about it now after 3 months?

No something has happened to shake her up. SOmeone has probably threatended to rat her out and shes getting there 1st with her cock and bull **** story.

I'm sorry but not one word of this rings true.

Sorry about that OP would have liked to be able to reassure you but not a hope in hell of me taking her side on this.

Wibbs

JDLK wrote: »

Theres more red flags here then there was in the closing ceremony of the Chinese olympics!!!

Mate wake up and smell the coffee, this girl has trouble written all over her, get out while you still can

Like others I agree with this. She doesn't know what she wants, or she's overly situation/emotion driven. The drink may be used as an excuse, but that's usually what it is. Common enough, but not good.

It just doesn't add up. I'm fairly easy going but that would raise serious, game over thoughts in my head tbh. What she is saying is not matching her actions. OK maybe she needs "closure", but an emotionally mature person wouldn't go about it like that.

It could all be innocent, but she doesn't sound like a good bet IMHO. Put it another way, if I was her ex and had a mind to get her back or get the leg over? From your description of her, I would consider it all too easy to do so. Conjecture here, but I suspect he or the other "friend" already has.

And this is at only 8 months? Smells mighty dubious to me.

LegacyUser

Appreciate the responses. Each person's response is pretty much a thought that went through my head while thinking about this. Just to clarify Trinity. She did know where he lived but just thought it was a house party there. Anyway that was stupid to think it was just a house party or maybe Im stupid for beliveing her saying that.

Like you said Wibbs, She is an emtionally driven person. Thing is, even though she only told me about it last week and we talked about it a good bit then. It was this week that I sorta of did bring it back up but its because it wasnt out of my head and she says that I cant just keep bringing this back up forever. Is it unreasonable of me to still be pissed about it? What really has me back thinking about it properly is the fact that this dude rang her the other night. I know I cant talk about it every week or couple of weeks thats why I want to talk about it now so I can put it behind me.

The thing is, I did already tell her that I believe her that nothing happened that night with either lad and that I do still trust her. At the time I geniunely did. This new phone call just brought it back up. Thing is, now I believe that he has been texting/ringing her since that night but she says he hasnt. Why lie about that? I mean thinking about it, a **** buddy who you saw only maybe once a month and then finally stopped with. Then saw them again a few months later out of the blue? (She said she bumped into him in may-ish and his mates once on a night out when we started going out, I was away for that whole month but we said we'd stay exculsive). But then for him to all of a sudden ring her on a night out 3 months later and ask to meet up? I mean he hadnt seen her in 3 months and she said that she didnt even like him and they werent going out? I dont get what closure there is to get from a semi? relationship like that.

It's all just abit dubious. She isnt telling me everything but for some reason is being truthfull about alot of it. Problem is, it needs to be all or nothing if im to be convinced. Right so we've had 2 long chats about it now and I know when I bring it back up again she is going to get thick about me talking about it yet again. Something that is at the back of my mind is that I do believe that she wouldnt throw away our relationship easily. She has told me that she went out with assholes before and she wasnt used to being treated the way I treat her. When she gets upset Im there to comfort her, again something she never had. If she did cheat on me I think she would find it hard to tell me because she knows I would instantly break up with her there and then if she did and I think she doesnt want to risk losing me. Yes I know that sounds incredibly big headed about myself but its not meant to come accross like that, I do believe that and think its true. I am a rational person .

Trinity

Well i dont believe she thought there was a party. She shouldnt have been socialising with her ex full stop. And she should have left when she realised there was no party. Lots of things she could have done to avoid those scenarios or putting herself in those situations. And she should have fcuked your man out of her bed definately!!!

Ok when i was younger and single i might add, i have never ever cheated. I once had a row with a friend of mine because she said i always had to end a night out with a bloke. Couldnt just go home and get into bed on my own (not talking about picking up one nighters either) but always always ended up texting an ex or a fcuk buddy.

Now it wasnt necessarily for sex on my part but the drink as Wibbs spoke about, made me feel lonely, emotional, reminiscent, miss them, wonder what could have been, needed a cuddle whatever, a whole list of reasons why. However!, when i had a boyfriend it was him i text, him i went home to etc and this is where your girly fcuked up. She probably did realise she had made a mistake with the ex but then she goes home and gets into bed with another bloke!

I should probably have gone unregged for that but ah well

Look at the end of the day if you had done whats shes done how would she react. You have every reason to doubt her tbh. Now that i am older and wiser I know that drink is no excuse. In my honest opinion she has messed up big time, is softening the blow and is giving you a whole load of "plausible" i.e bull**** explanations as to why she would end up in bed with other men when she is supposed to be your girlfriend. And she expects you to fall for it.

SarahSassy

In all fariness, it all sounds so drunken and ludicrous that it could be innocent..

TEH REAL CDP

Too much trouble for 8 months dude.

Seriously. You don't deserve to be in a relationship like this. To sum up what other people have said to other posters in other threads... "there are red flags and then there are sirens..."

I would consider this the latter. The fact is, and I think guys are often blind to it - there are a plethora of girls out there who are faithful and are good fun. There are! Seriously! Right, certain people may have had some worse experience than others but there are decent girls out there.

You don't need this crap. You say you're a rational guy right? so logically, this equation just does not balance. Sounds to me like she's immature and doesn't know what she wants - but wants it all. You're not going to have a happy relationship with this in your head. Guys are simple beasts. It doesn't take much for our attention to drift. Do you really really want to kiss a girl who has cheated on you with other guys? I know that I could not, knowing that she had been somewhere else.

As I say, you deserve a paranoia free relationship. You are a nice guy by the sounds of it. Be good to yourself and cut your losses. Agree to disagree and leave as friends. Then forget her.

There are (I assure you) plenty more fish in the sea.

estar

if you are happy with your current partner you dont need closure on previous relationships.

if she wasnt over someone or wasnt ready to tell these guys to stop ringing her at night, then she shouldnt really have started a new relationship.

why doesnt she tell these guys to get lost? why didnt she sleep on the sofa when a guy was in her bed? what was he doing in her bed anyway? waiting for her?

how can her life be so complicated and messy? she appears to be lacking in the maturity department.

if she was so attached to you she wouldnt be heading to parties with other men or putting your relationship at risk by sharing beds with men she once slept with.

she sounds too immature to be in a serious relationship, which appears to be what you want. if you were my friend, i would say let her get on with her closure, single.

Wibbs

estar wrote: »

if you are happy with your current partner you dont need closure on previous relationships.

nail on the head. In fact I would advise anyone with a partner that needs to "work out" stuff or get closure about an ex in anything like this manner, run for the hills. You're the rebound or simply on very shaky ground.