Lesbian(with a boyfriend...) and coming out?

LegacyUser

hey im 18 just started college and i think im a lesbian or atleast bisexual.

i think ive always had feelings for girls but jst repressed them. now i have great boyfriend hes really genuine and lovely BUT theres no spark between us...(well if there is it isnt coming from me!)
i want to come out but i just dont know how my friends and family will take it. im sick of lying about who i am. im sick of looking over my shoulder every time i chekc a giirl out!!

the only prblem is that i dont think my mum wud take it well at all....she doesnt seem to be very understanding about it.
last night(friday) for example my boyf was sleeping on the coach downstairs and i was sleeping in my room and she knocked on my door and starting shouting at me being like
"WHAT is wrong with you why arent youwith your boyfrend. thats WEIRD your WEIRD WHY arent u with ur boyfrend. what is WRONG with you! etc" it went on for a goodwhile.

now i wudve found that understandable if it was 6 in the afternoon but it was half one and after a night out (in the george ironicly....first time there,..its deadly..shame i cudnt get stuck in!)and he always sleeps onda coach?

so all i cud do was stand there and look at the ground and was completely degraded. i felt like screaming but i jst stayed quiet and tried not to cry so she'd leave me alone.

i had to go downstairs and spend the night with my boyf and it felt wrong. like it wasnt my first time with him or anything but i dont think i can do this anymore.

my main problem is that if i do come out then my friends will tell their parents and of cors it will get back to mine. i used to think she'd be grand about it but after last night...i dont think so.

im kinda lost here guys...as much advice as u can give id really appreciate it..thanks
xx

swiss

Wow, I really can't understand the behaviour of your mother. I would have thought that she would be more concerned that you might be having unprotected sex with your boyfriend than not being with him. Talk about unnecessary pressure, even if you were straight and really liked him.

I think you need to be fair to your bf. If you don't feel anything for him then you should let him know how you feel so that he can go out and meet someone who can like him that way. You don't have to come out to him, but you could explain that you haven't been feeling for him what you should and for both your sakes it's time to move on.

As for coming out, only you can decide whether you can do this, but I would recommend telling perhaps even just one of your friends that you trust to keep this news in confidence. Though I find it a little odd that your friends parents and your parents move in the same social circles, I know I couldn't say the same for my mates.

hot2def

stop jerking your boyfriend around. you have no right to treat him like a cover story.

Boston

Regardless of sexuality, if you have no chemistry with someone, you shouldn't be going out with them. This boyfriend sounds far more like a friend or dear I say a "convenience" then a partner in a relationship.

Apart from that, you seem to clearly know what you are, so why pretend? If you don't have a single friend you can trust to come out to without them telling their parents, then your friends really aren't worth having.

Oh, btw, I wouldn't be all that quick about using the line "at least bisexual", it tends to get a bad reaction.

brianthebard

Wonder if the mother already knows? Its a pretty bizarre reaction unless she at least suspects something?

LegacyUser

hey soory i dont mean to be jerkiing him around. hes really into me and he gets quite angry adn emotional, and id be scared he'd do something stupid? i was trying to slowly ease out of the relationship rather then just dump him in it? when we started going out he wasnt a cover story...he was kinda like i dunno my last shot? i liked him and i thought hmm maybe i just havent had the right guy yet. i don tmean to be usin ghim as a cover story.
yeah i was so confused at her reaction...? never seen her like that before acting so wierd.

i agree that she suspects something, but judgin by her reaction if i did come out i dont think she'd be too pleased.......? and if i did end it with the guy she'd deffo confront me about it adn ask straight out. i dunno im jst scared at this point

LegacyUser

Boston wrote: »

Apart from that, you seem to clearly know what you are, so why pretend? If you don't have a single friend you can trust to come out to without them telling their parents, then your friends really aren't worth having.

Oh, btw, I wouldn't be all that quick about using the line "at least bisexual", it tends to get a bad reaction.

I pretend cuz i cant deal with my rents who tbh by thesound of last night would throw me out of my house or send me away or sumtin. I trust my friends jst the ones on the outter circles are sometimes crappy. oh and all the parents are connected from school and that. just gossip gets around quick round these parts.
And sorry about the bisexual thing i meant no harm..jays boston its tough going around you!!

KnifeWRENCH

If you really feel no spark for the bf, then you should do the decent thing and end the relationship. It sounds like he really likes you, and for his sake you should end it now because the longer you stay in this relationship the harder it will be for both of you when you finally do end it.

However, you don't have to come out immediately after breaking up with your bf. I would say not to come out until you've worked up enough confidence to do so.

lushballs

You could attend the Belong 2 group on Sundays 3-6pm in Outhouse with other young LGBT to get support.

MicraBoy

My advice would be to take things one step at a time. The first step being to break it off with the boyfriend. That will probably be enough upset for all involved to keep you busy for a while.

The next step would be to visit or make contact with a group like BelongTo, and get to know some young gay people.

You don't need to come out in some glorious boyfriend dumping, parent shocking extravaganza. You are quite young (and prob a bit impatient) so you have plenty of time to come out.

Step by step, bit by bit!

Weidii

Be true to yourself and your boyfriend.

Morlar

hot2def wrote: »

stop jerking your boyfriend around. you have no right to treat him like a cover story.

Whatever about your personal feelings by the sounds of it there is another person who is probably going to be deeply hurt by your actions in this and you may want to focus on that for a bit. I think ending that as quickly & painlessly as possible would be the first priority.

From what your saying it would sound like your mom has an idea and is in denial/trying to get a handle on things too.

Aard

Whether you 'slowly ease out of the relationship', or just say it as it it, he's going to be equally hurt either way. Best do it clean and fast.

The next step is to find somebody to confide in. Just tell one person; it can be your boyfriend or one of your other friends or somebody in your family. Just tell ONE person. Don't worry about the whole world and your mother finding out.

After you tell somebody, let the dust settle; chances are you're going to be very excited after coming out. Then think about telling the rest of your friends. I'd stay away from places like Belong 2; they can be very intimidating with their ... openness.

Next step is to tell your family. No need to rush into it - I waited four years before telling my parents.

DenMan

Hi OP

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. You need to be honest with both yourself and your bf. I would not like to be in your bf's position. You have to be honest and tell him. You should expand your social circle a bit. If you feel you are attracted to girls then spend some with them. If there is a group for same sex couples then you should attend any meetings/get togethers they have. You should also consider registering here too. There is a forum here for Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual people and you would really benefit from reading their stories and interacting with like-minded people. I am sure they meet in person like all members here do, for a beers, bowling, cinema etc. Anything and everything. You need to immerse yourself in yourself. I'm sorry for going on like this but as a straight person a lot my gay friends in the UK when I lived there asked for advice and that is what I said to them. I wanted to help them be themselves rather than living a lie and denying the person they really are/want to be. Find someone you confide in and are close with and tell them your situation. It will help you.

Contact your nearest LGBT group and tell them you are very interested in meeting with them when they meet up and would love to attend any social nights they may have coming up. If they have a website, check it out. You also need to be honest with your parents (especially your Mother). Being honest and open with her will help the two of you in the long term. Initially it will be very difficult, but you are her daughter and that's of paramount importance.

Good luck with it all OP and be yourself.

Den

LegacyUser

I saw someone mention Belong 2 there-
2 be honest i wud recommend if u do go that u go with a friend
I went myself 4 a month and i thought it was grand but i was always an outsider cuz i was on my own, and im very confident normally!
Also its a very young contingent, im 20 myself and everyone else was 14-16, and they were all at it seemingly which was terribly uncomfortable as i had only gone 2 talk 2 ppl goin thru the same stuff as i was
Not 2 get my bit!!
Also ppl were very rude 2 me about being bisexual as if it was half-arsed r sumtin.
Best of luk luv!
x

Aurora Borealis

Not going to berate you as you're only 18 and this stuff is confusing but if there is no spark with someone why be with them. That aspect of your dilemma is quite simple, you don't fancy your boyfriend. Sometimes no matter who we are with we have to step back to figure out what's going on in our heads. Know this thread is a bit old so i really hope you're doing that, for your own sake and his.

grotty

Think it's time to put yourself in his shoes. You'd hate the thought of someone going through the motions trying to ease their way away from you. Make a clean break. The minute you have it out there, in the open you will feel relieved and it will seem easier from there. Then you can concentrate on getting your head clear and exploring your other feelings

archdukefranz

You'll find it a great relief once you break up with that guy, and he will be able to move on and find someone who is attracted to him.