How to get him help

LegacyUser

Ok, seriously long story but i will try to tell it in as few words as possible.
Married, kids, seperated over a year. No legal stuff in place as we faffed about with solicitors but nothing settled as such.
I asked him to leave, drink, adultry, mental torture anyone who's been through a marriage destroyed by drink will know what i mean.

Ex comes home regulaly enough from his job (hours away) say maybe once a month. I try to be civil for kids sake. I work so im not usually around when he's here and i pay a sitter so he doesnt actually look after kids ..just plays with them. They love their dad to bits, and in a very sick way i still do too.

When im at my lowest after a long day at work or at home with the kids i often text him to tell him how much he has hurt me, hurt what was a wonderful family life. I cant help it, i feel so angry. I know it takes two to tango, and no one is perfect but i tried my best. Worked full time, watched him drink every night of the week into oblivion, and some nights he never came home at all. I listened to the rumours, took a phone call from a guy one night that i know well asking me if i knew my husband was sleeping with his wife. All the stuff that made me ask him to leave in the end.

So, this week, we hit our new low. I had to call the guards one morning this week for help, he was telling me (not the first time) he was going to kill me, how would he chop me up..etc. it got very scary for me and the kids, he was out of his mind. Dont want to go into too much detail will take too long, suffice to say that he was arrested that night, and the guards signed him into the psychatric hospital. I hoped and prayed this would be his way to get help, address the issues but his family came and whipped him out saying they would get him help. Two days later i get a call from his parents saying he's fine, im the one making him crazy, he's only mental when he's around me. Hospital never contacted me to let me know what they thought.

All i want is him to get help for our kids sake.
While i freely admit i text him, i had no contact with him for days before he went on this latest binge. I am scared of what he will do when he come here again, i often wonder if all these women who finally get killed by their ex or current partners felt the way i do. I'm going to see my solicitor asap about barring order, but even that is killing me. I know that inside he is a good man, he just needs help and a barring order is not help for him, its just a piece of paper (if im even entitled to it). what will it take for his family to believe me.


I have stopped all contact with him since that day obviously. I cant live in fear, i cant live in hope. Do i just toughen up? A good friend told me to stop being a victim... maybe he's right. Maybe his family are right. Maybe i put him under too much emotional stress, but why dont they consider what he's putting me through.

My heads melted, i really don't know what advice anyone can give me. If anyone has been through something similar.... tell me how to get through this.

Southern Dandy

Hey how are are you?

I really cant imagine what i must be like for you but i do know what its like to try an live with alcholism, My fathers is an aclcoholic and i have no problem in saying it, i love the man to bits just as you do with your husband, in my own opinion its not an addiction but an illness and your husband really needs help.

Now im not going to paint a pretty picture and say that things will be alright if he gets help, its only the beginning of a very very long road for yourself and him between relapses (not saying that he will), moods an all that. You definitely did the right thing in contacting the police and i strongly beleave that if you are that frightened of him and that sure that he will do damage i would talk to your solicator about your options, Theres one thing i would like to say, being the son of an alcholic parent myself i cant begin to tell you of the years and years of mental trauma ive had throughout my childhood and even to this day, thankfully my father was non abusive physically but mentally its just as bad for my mother and brother, which is why you really have to consider your childrens both well being and safety

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Unregistered wrote: »

Maybe i put him under too much emotional stress.

As for what his relations said i think that its just a petty excuse to put the blame on you and that there some what ashamed and i guess thats normal, sad but normal, people never understand alcholism not unless you either lived with it or are a recovering one

Now i strongly advise you think long and hard and i really do hope that everything works out for you and your family, I hoped this helped in some way,

All the best

Nevyn

I would suggest that maybe you look at getting a safety order if you do not want a barring order. This would me he could come to the house but is bound to not commit any threatening acts while there.

You can't make him get help, you can get help for yourself, esp the type which will stop you having a go at him or what you may feel is putting him under pressure.

I suggest that you find where your nearest Al Anon meeting is.
http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/


You have to put you and your children first, you need to ensure their safety and stability.

IRISH RAIL

When im at my lowest after a long day at work or at home with the kids i often text him to tell him how much he has hurt me, hurt what was a wonderful family life. I cant help it, i feel so angry.


can I just ask op whats the general jist of these texts are tey really nasty ones ? or is it subtle.
it could be that his behaviour is a reaction to your texts.

LegacyUser

IRISH RAIL wrote: »

can I just ask op whats the general jist of these texts are tey really nasty ones ? or is it subtle.

it could be that his behaviour is a reaction to your texts.

About as subtle as a hammer i'd say. Honestly though, it depends. If he hasint rang the kids in a week, if he has made a scene publicly while he is here, if he texts me first, if i see one of his alleged mistresses... i can say anything from all the "whys" you can imagine to i hope i never lay eyes on you again. I can cut like a razor but its rare these days. Funny thing is his texts were equally as bitter, but i guess that doesnt matter his family will never see them, they will never see the crumpled heap of drunkeness lying on the bed in the clothes he wore out ( the kids do though), never hear the abuse, never see the tears or hear the cries.

I go from hating him, to remembering how much i loved him. I go from wanting to help him to wanting to make him even a fraction of what he has made me feel. I have no choice to keep it together for the kids sake. To smile, to laugh to play. I always tell them daddy loves them, even though i could say the complete opposite to him. I never put him down to them. They are oblivious to this. Every night i go to bed i ask myself "why".

I never thought i'd use the kids as a weapon, but im afraid i will, or at least thats how it will be percieved. If im not safe in his company, and i dont trust him with the kids... how can i let him take them? So many things to discuss with solicitor my head is melted.

I think im done now, with trying. Hopefully getting safety order as Thaedeyl suggested, see if barring order is possible. Honestly the hardest thing for me is not the adultry, or the drinking ..with counselling we could work through it. It's the not accepting the situation as it stands, the lies the deciept. When i got married i made a vow i thought was for life, but there is a limit to what any decent human being should be expected to live with. We don't respect each other... bottom line.

It's so hard to accept that someone you loved so much can twist things to make it look like you are the crazy one.

If it wasint for my family support i would be on my knees right now. They are worried sick about our safety. It's the fact that there is so much help out there for peole with serious issues like this..... its so much easier to pass blame than to admit that maybe, just maybe he has problems that only doctors can help him with, and we have problems that counsellors could help.

I had no contact with him by text or conversation in the days preceeding this latest binge that caused the suicide threats, assault on a neighbour, threats to my life, and finally arrest and short stay in the psychiatric unit. But i was bitchy last week. I had a weekend away planned, and said childish stuff. I'm hurting, im no saint. And if all this is as a result of a few silly texts, which i always apologised for, then im guilty.

There wont be any more texts, any more conversation. Im done.
thanks for your replies guys, appreciate it.