How to meet a girlfriend?

LegacyUser

Hi,
Does anyone know how to help me or explain dating to me?

I'm a guy, 24, alright looking, decent job, lots of friends and interests, dress well enough. Not blowing my horn, I just mean I have my life in an ok direction otherwise now...

... but I don't know how to date. I haven't seen anyone since I broke with my girlfriend last year. Getting her was a fluke and won't happen again.

She and anyone else I know can meet people att he drop of a hat. They don't worry about it. If they want to be single they are, cos they know when they want to be not single anymore they can just get someone.

I'm 24 and have dated 2 girls. Whats wrong with me?

I go out but girls don't want to talk to me. They are loud and drunk and just want to meet the big loud drunk guys dancing around like clowns entertaining them. I'm not an entertainer, I'm just me, whats wrong with that?

Please don't say bars and club ar wrong place to meet people because thats where people hookup, I've seen it.

I hate being told "oh just wait, it'll happen". I've been "just waiting" since I was a teenager, now I'm getting old and still nobody notices me, I don't have much time. Most cool girls are in relationshiops by their mid twenties.

It doesn't just "happen". Girls like my ex (and guys) just go out and meet someone if they decide they want to. I've wanted to meet someone for over a year now and I haven't so much as had a girl look at me.

Whats wrong with me. How do people date? I just want to get this part of my life together because it feels like all the time I've spent getting my life together in other areas is for nothing. I think there must be something seriously wrong with me that I can't see. I've asked people near to me but they just say I'm fine.

I'd give anything in the world for some help or guidance, please guys.

Blackpitts

i was in the same situation then I decided to improve my life doing the following changes:
- i've subscribed a membership to a gym (2 days in swimmingpool, 2 days in class like abs or body attack), most of the people in the classes were girls and I became friends with the most of her, plus I got fit and happier with my look (it helps a lot to enhance your mood when you approach a girl)
- I went to few salsa classes once a week at the Garda club, it was fun and again the most of the people there are girls, some are very good looking. Dancing and introducing myself to all of them during the rounds helped me to break the ice
- I took every opportunity to go to house parties rather than clubs/pubs, I have arranged few in my places telling people to bring their close friends (be careful to avoid scumbags), these occasions are really good to meet people
- I've tried internet dating but it sucks, girls are really afraid of meeting someone even when they make the first contact. maybe the fact I'm a foreigner (and the usual 'you might leave the country tomorrow' ) didn't help. I had a lot of requests by single mothers...maybe i look like a good guy -> perfect father for their children...who knows...anyway, i would skip the internet dating thing and go for real life scenarios
- I've always thought to attend some boards.ie beer nights out, but I was always busy travelling or had previuos arrangements, but you can consider it...all of the people there are in your same situation so don't feel afraid to look like a stupid and go chat to whoever is there
- I've asked to all my (girl)friends to create the chances to introduce me to their single friends, u'd be surprised to see how girls can help each other when they know u are a good guy (it seems that there are a lot of arseholes out there, there is a shortage of good guys on the irish dating market )

so...try to be happy with yourself, create the opportunities to meet someone and go for it, you will feel nervous at the beginning but you need to try harder if you want to change your life for the better!

good luck!

Wibbs

Damn good post from BlackPitts.

I'd echo what he said. I also see your issue with pubs etc. Yes you're right, that's big hookup territory. Fine if you can operate in that. You feel at this stage you can't. It's just not you. Advice like the usual "just be yourself" is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard tbh. If that worked noone would be in this position. OK so you don't work there so follow some of BlackPitts suggestions.

I would also add that there are literally billions of women in the world. The odds are in your favour. Now men are not taught how to do this. It needs to be learned through trial and error mostly. Remember the numbers game and try to relax. If you get knocked back well then the word in your head should be "next". If you feel wading through rejection, well then, keep wading. Every one of those interactions is part of the learning and mingling.

Now you say people can just do it. Oh yea getting someone is pretty easy. Getting the right one is hard. Very hard. So ignore that bit if you can.

Good luck anyway.

Danimalito

picking up a girl in a club or bar is easy peasy. It's all about practice and common sense really.

Go out to the club, have a drink or two if you find it helps with the nerves, but /do not/ get drunk.

Have a look around, find an attractive girl in the club who stands a good chance of being single (i.e. she's not in the process of snogging a fella), walk up to her and say /something/ (doesnt matter too much what it is) e.g. "Hi, I'm XXX, what's your name?". Remember that clubs are mostly about looks and demeanour.

If she's comes off as not interested , taken or whatever, find another girl. Repeat ad nauseaum until you've gotten a phone number, or better.

Stay away from any girl who comes off as seriously drunk, it's a waste of time, she'll probably not remember you next day anyways. Also it's easier to do this if you've got a mate with you, someone to keep the girl's mates off your back.

Now you may think this is gonna be nerve wracking, but don't look at it as "picking up a girl", think of it as practice and focus on enjoying yourself. Hell, if by chance you happen to run into The One , all the better.

NExt you can try to kick it up a notch, by moving outside the club/pub arena. That cute waitress in your favourite coffee place who's always smiling at you when you enter? ask her out. Well, you get the idea

Oh, and never think that any girl is too good for you.

LegacyUser

Hi

I a female mid 20s. you can get a girl in a club but you are going to have to make the first move. I aswell as none of my friends would ever go to a random guy and chat him up. Some girls would but alot wouldnt. You seem like a nice guy so you shouldnt have a problem theres plenty of girls looking for nice guys. If you were a girl you would know the problems you would have in finding a nice guy!! good luck

LegacyUser

Hey,
thanks for the advice.

I don't mean to be all negative and stuff but like the last girl said there, "you can get girls in clubs"...

Well here's the thing, I see guys doing it but you have to be an all singing all dancing entertaining clown dnacing around doing tricks to entertain girls... otherwise they wouldn't give you time of day...

Try to strike up a random conversation, serious, fun, having a laugh, doesn't matter, girls ust don't respond becuase you're not "entertaining"them...

Like, I'm not an entertainer, I think thats rubbish, I#m not there to entertain someone with tricks or something, I just wanna get along with someone, have a chat, see what they're like but doesn't seem to work that way.

In other venues its the opposite... girls say they'd be open to a genuine guy approaching them under other circumstances but if it actually happens the guy is creppy... like if someone tried talking to you during the day... the idea of you both reaching for the same magazine and all that, tis nice in the movies but if a guy tried to pick you up in Easons how likely are oyu to think he's not just a weirdo? In my experience thats the feedback I've got from my female friends...

Or if its a class or something, you ask a girl out, she says no, kinda ruins your chances of turning up to the class again and again, mot girls really aren't open to meeting people in such a venue.

I don't know... all the advice sounds good but then I go out and its just not that way. I'm lost.

LegacyUser

Hey it could be worse - im 18 and never even kissed a girl. Went to an all boys school and only had male friends. Now in my second year of college. I just find it weird to go up to a stranger and start talking to them. If I was to do that to a guy it would come off as weird. I dunno maybe things are different when dealing with girls, I really wouldnt know though, I can count of one hand the amount of girls my age ive talked to this year.

I really need help. Im going to end up the 40 year old man who never kissed a girl.

LegacyUser

Hmmm, i think you need to be abit more positive in fairness. so what if u've had only 2 girlfriends..ur young, hav lots of friends etc. you need to stop taking urself so seriously and go out there with some confidence and start enjoying urself. in clubs jus hit the dancefloor and spin a girl around, don't be al sleazy or anything. surely some of your guy friends shud b able to giv ya some tips. good luck

sunnyside

Unregistered wrote: »

Or if its a class or something, you ask a girl out, she says no, kinda ruins your chances of turning up to the class again and again, mot girls really aren't open to meeting people in such a venue.

.

True, I can't understand why people are constantly recommending night classes for meeting people. Over the years I've done a few classes but it was NEVER with the intention of meeting people. Sometimes the purpose was to get out of the house a bit more when I lived alone but that's as sociable as it got. A lot of the night classes are training courses for jobs, people have paid a lot to be there and tend to keep the head down and focus on the coursework. It would make me uncomfortable having guys trying to chat me up there. Dance classes would be different I'd expect.

If you won't entertain girls in clubs as you put it maybe you could find some girl who's upset or crying and befriend her. I'm not telling you to prey on vulnerable people but if she's upset over an ex or something she might appreciate someone being nice.

sunnyside

sunnyside wrote: »

If you won't entertain girls in clubs as you put it maybe you could find some girl who's upset or crying and befriend her. I'm not telling you to prey on vulnerable people but if she's upset over an ex or something she might appreciate someone being nice.

...A girl sobbing over an ex doesn't exactly sound like a great start for any relationship?
And appreciating someone being nice like a friend is strictly friends only - going from that to "well I had an ulterior motive" I can only imagine would have em running a mile. because it's a horrible thing to do.

Really, I think blackpitts' post was the best advice

wylo

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey,
thanks for the advice.

I don't mean to be all negative and stuff but like the last girl said there, "you can get girls in clubs"...

Well here's the thing, I see guys doing it but you have to be an all singing all dancing entertaining clown dnacing around doing tricks to entertain girls... otherwise they wouldn't give you time of day...

So you mean to say that you dont know any quiet or serious guys going out with someone?
OP, girls look for confidence, thats why in general the guy "should" go up and talk to the woman. It should by right, be easier for the guy than it would be the girl in clubs etc. unfortunately thats not the reality of things with alot of guys(including myself quite a bit). So perhaps you should read up on self confidence, theres alot of info out there. Even downloadable hypnosis mp3s.
Alot of what you say is right regarding picking up but I think your wrong about one thing. You dont have to be the dancing entertaining clown to pull. Yes it helps I guess, but I know for certain the most important thing women look for is confidence and if you were confident enough you wouldnt be under the illusion that you have to be the 'clown' to get women.

Blackpitts

sunnyside wrote: »

True, I can't understand why people are constantly recommending night classes for meeting people.

Because it has worked for me and for other people. You share an interest, ergo you have something to initiate a conversation, simple as that. :cool:

sunnyside wrote: »

If you won't entertain girls in clubs as you put it maybe you could find some girl who's upset or crying and befriend her. I'm not telling you to prey on vulnerable people but if she's upset over an ex or something she might appreciate someone being nice.

so his plan must be to go out and find someone in tears or in a bad mood :eek: ? to be honest is not going to succeed. What would happen if everyone in a club is having fun, that would be a bad night then???
Your advice reminds me the scene of the "wedding crashers" when Will Farrell goes to funerals to pull girls...
The OP has the wrong attitude, he need to grow his own self-confidence, otherwise he will feel sad and alone for ever while waiting for a girl to make the first move on him.
Being nice and smart is equivalent of being a clown?? I really don't think so, I don't make a fool of myself when I try to be nice and funny to a stranger, I just want to give the impression of being an interesting person, if she gets it fine for me, if not I move on.
Hey OP, if you want to get a chance to meet some decent girl, YOU NEED to create it.

LegacyUser

Wylo:
Well to be honest... No... I only see guys getting girls if they are really out there or are extrmemely good looking or whatever. I don't know any of my "ordinary nice guy" friends who have any luck with girls whatsoever.

Look, If I knew how to be the entertainer I would. But I don't. I don't know what girls expect of you. I see guys being really loud and do tricks and stuff. If I knew what it was girls wanted I'd have to try and do it but I just don't know what it is these gys are doing. I just see them jumping around like clowns in bars and pubs. Thats why I'm asking for help.

Rest:
I just don't know what it is girls want from me. I'd really really like someone out there who can do it to help me. What do these natural type gjuys do? Some guys are never without girlfriends, and a lot of them are always really cool, good looking, friendly, fun girls... I haven't a hope, I'd love someone who could get girls to help me out.

I appreciate the help but you guys have no idea how clueless I am. The alst girl I was with told me I was a horrible horrible person and that nobody would ever be with me again. I can't understand why I am this bad, I think I'm an alright guy but that was over a year ago and it really knocked everything out of me. People say have confidence but I can't after what she said and its not like its not true because it must be, I just don't understand why. I might ahve a little confidence if someone ever spoke to hme or liked me but right now I feel like the most horrible ugly person in the world since not a girl in the world would give me the time of day. Whats wrong with me? I just want to be happy.

LegacyUser

http://www.stylelife.com/

Get Neill Straus' book "the game" and "rules of the game".
The first tells of the authors rise from dud to stud and his discovery of the "pick up" community, a community of guys who have learnt the techniques to get the girl, no matter what they look like.

The second book, "rules of the game is a 30 day challenge which aims to improve your social skills, reduce any anxiety felt talking to girls and ultimately get a date.

I would also consider "the mystery method" a vital read. This book breaks down how men attract women in immense detail and shows you what you are doing wrong.

The pick up artist community may sound like a joke but they get results.

MIN2511

I am a girl, and i am nice to all the lads that approach me whether or not i fancy them.... BUT
1. On Friday, a guy asked my friend 5 times what her name was.... Like seriously, if you can't remember the name the first time then whats the point?
2. Another guy approached another of my friend and asked her where she was from, she said Asia and he walked away....
3. Then a guy started talking to me, he sounded nice etc... He asked me for my #, i hesitated... I gave him my # but guess what? He hasn't texted/called me!

So tell me now why i would chat with a guy or give a guy my #, yes i know i shouldn't tar all men with the same brush....

wylo

OP, to be honest I think it is really about self confidence, if you worked on that and forgot about women for a few weeks/months, then you'll reap the rewards. You sound like you have low self esteem and really if you start looking into self confidence it will help you alot. These "clowns" are probably really confident and happy in themselves.
Its like a chain reaction
Guy is confident -> guy scores -> guy gets more confident because of that -> guy can score more

or in your case

Guy has no self esteem -> women smell that a mile away -> guy cant score -> guy gets even lower self esteem.

Now, as for that girl that said that, I can only say either you did something terrible, or if you genuinely didn't then she is absolutely f*cked in the head and its probably her that needs more help than you with statements like that.

Theres one other suggestion that others mightn't agree with but look up a book called "the game" by neil strauss. Its pretty much about people that are too nice and cant pull to save their lives. It gives methods and routines for talking to women and teaches you about understanding them better , what they want in a guy/etc. Basically a "how to pull for dummies" book.
Theres a whole underground world out of "pick up artists" there, and its basically guys that transform themselves from nerdy, reserved, shy and too nice to guys that can walk up to a girl on the street and get her number within 10 mins.

If I were you though Id just stick with learning self confidence.

LegacyUser

Hi.

A few tips.

Go down to the pub with a mate on a Fri/Sat evening. Don't go too early or too late, this will depend on the pub, but maybe around 8 or 9 pm.

Get a spot at the bar where you can sit, and chat.
Everyone needs to buy drinks, so they will come to the bar to buy drinks.
Enjoy your evening with your mate, but as the pub fills up, people might have to reach past you to get/order their drinks. At some stage a woman might have to reach past you - be polite, smile, move out the way, let her get her drinks. If there is an oportunety, say 'Hi'. Leave it at that, and go back to your conversation with your mate. You will be suprised how many people will say 'hi' back.

Don't go out with the idea that you will meet your dream partner on the first evening in the pub. You might not even get to chat to a girl, but hopefully you will get to say 'Hi', and get a response.

Over time, and a few trips to the pub, you will bet used to 'meeting' girls.
The next step is to have a short conversation - try and talk about the weather. 'Misserable night out there, don't you think?' will normally get a reply.

There is no magic, it is just about building up confidence, being polite, smiling, etc.