Break-up rant

LegacyUser

Im not really looking for advice but I just need to rant.
My partner recently split with me after just over 1 year. We are both
in university. The reason why we broke up is religion. I understand how important it is to him and its a way of life. It's important to me too, but I was never as religious as him. I respect his beliefs and never ever made him do anything he didn't want to.

I feel at the moment that he'd only take me back if I became as religious as he.
But to me, if you love somebody you would never have to change anything about yourself for them. To me, love is strong enough to overcome anything.

We are trying to do the whole 'friends' thing but its difficult for me
(i have to see him everyday, cant avoid it). Im angry because religion was the only reason we split. Im hurt that he didnt sit down and talk to me about it at first instead of keeping it to himself. I feel we could have come to some kind of compromise. We never had any other issues (to my knowledge). I didnt expect the breakup. It was like a slap out of the blue.

Im not handling the breakup very well and flutter from feeling happy to upset to angry when Im in his company. I know I'll move on but its difficult when things were going so well and the only thing that pulls you apart is something you have no control of

taram

Had this problem myself once... I think it comes down to the fact you respect his views, but he wishes to change yours. It's a simple respect problem that could be applied to anything. And the fact he didn't talk to you about it was ridiclous, talking always helps! I think try maybe to sit down with him and talk properly? But ofc, don't change your views to suit him, stick to your guns and see how he reacts.

LegacyUser

I already tried talking about it, many times. Nothing works I know its just a case of having to move on now (although Im handling it pretty badly). Its so sickening I feel lost sometimes.

MagicMarker

Why would you want to be with someone who is clearly a fool?

Count yourself lucky.

Trinity

Are you of the same religion but he is more religious than you? Do you feel this is some form of manipulation or tactic to convert you?

Chinafoot

breakuprant wrote: »

Im angry because religion was the only reason we split.

Nope, the reason you broke up is because he is disrespectful of your beliefs and is unable to communicate properly. Definitely not the attributes you want in a partner.

It hurts now, but to be honest it does sound like you're better off out of it. Keep the head down in college, spend lots of time with friends and you'll get over this.

LegacyUser

Trinity1 wrote: »

Are you of the same religion but he is more religious than you? Do you feel this is some form of manipulation or tactic to convert you?

No we are different religions but they only differ in some places. Its the same God. No, he hasn't said it out directly that if i become religious and attend church that we will get back together. But it has been implied, so its the impression I get. Faith is important to me too but he is really into it. He seems very unsure about everything, I feel selfish that I keep asking him 'why?' all the time but I truly believe in love and I feel like if I was in shoes and truly loved my partner, I would have done anything to make things work. He thinks that if its meant to be then things will sort themselves out. Can they really though?

Splendour

breakuprant wrote: »

Im not really looking for advice but I just need to rant.
My partner recently split with me after just over 1 year. We are both
in university. The reason why we broke up is religion. I understand how important it is to him and its a way of life. It's important to me too, but I was never as religious as him. I respect his beliefs and never ever made him do anything he didn't want to.

I feel at the moment that he'd only take me back if I became as religious as he.
But to me, if you love somebody you would never have to change anything about yourself for them. To me, love is strong enough to overcome anything.

We are trying to do the whole 'friends' thing but its difficult for me
(i have to see him everyday, cant avoid it). Im angry because religion was the only reason we split. Im hurt that he didnt sit down and talk to me about it at first instead of keeping it to himself. I feel we could have come to some kind of compromise. We never had any other issues (to my knowledge). I didnt expect the breakup. It was like a slap out of the blue.

Im not handling the breakup very well and flutter from feeling happy to upset to angry when Im in his company. I know I'll move on but its difficult when things were going so well and the only thing that pulls you apart is something you have no control of

Hi breakuprant, can I ask you what religion he is?

Wibbs

breakuprant wrote: »

No, he hasn't said it out directly that if i become religious and attend church that we will get back together. But it has been implied,

I honestly reckon that it wouldn't make as big a difference as you may think. OK he may appear to come around but I think it would be temporary.

Faith is important to me too but he is really into it. He seems very unsure about everything, I feel selfish that I keep asking him 'why?' all the time but I truly believe in love and I feel like if I was in shoes and truly loved my partner, I would have done anything to make things work.

I would agree with you more. On this basis; you've been together over a year. He knew you had religious differences from the get go. Yet he was probably planning ahead from quite early on I would guess. What changed? Well the initial buzz has eased off a bit so reality(as he sees it) is coming into play. Hence the issue he probably worried about at the start has come back now. He was always unsure in the back of his head, but those pesky immoral thoughts got in the way I'd warrant.

He thinks that if its meant to be then things will sort themselves out. Can they really though?

IMHO that's the lazy answer. You need to both sit down and look to the future, if that's possible. Ask him straight if he's willing to work at it. If he's willing to compromise. Tell him you would be. See his reaction. I reckon he'll still back off. At which point MagicMarkers short and to the point post above will be all too correct.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Kind of get the impression it's not as much about religion as you think or he's saying it is.

Or is he a born-again Christian/Muslim and you're the average Irish Catholic? That's the only situation I can think of at your age that would cause this issue.

Anyway there's no point going back with him unless you genuinely become more religious, if its a fake conversion you'll stop goign to church and he'll resent you. I don't think mixed religion or atheist/believer couples really work in vast majority of cases. I think faith is hard wired into human nature therefore a different view will always cause issue. I seriously doubt a relationship would work between me and a a religious person.

Grawns

I always thought going out with a religous person would be a deal breaker for me as I am a committed athiest. However not all religous people are proselytizers and some combine private belief with a deep respect for the beliefs and feelings of others. Not this guy. You are better off without him.

Wagon

Been there before, but her family encouraged it more than anything else. Still pisses me off that one

I'll be very honest with you here. I was pretty religious myself (I'm a bloke) and I pretty much stopped after i realised how ignorant it can make people including me. I still believe in God, but don't go to mass. Having said that I'd never looked down on others for what they did or didn't believe in, but did look down on them for their past actions and mistakes. I've pretty much stopped all that crap. You can't change anyone, nobody can change their past and it's unfair of someone to ask that.

Same applies here. You shouldn't change for someone and if you made a lifelong commitment to his religion it could ruin your life. Live how you want to, and while the reason may only seem like religion it's a lot more than that. He's clearly too different and deluded if he thinks he can change you.

So I'd save myself much trouble and give up and find someone else. Many only follow religion these days out of fear, your ex seems to be one of them. I'm probably wrong , but there's still no point trying. Seriously, let it die.

Trinity

breakuprant wrote: »

No we are different religions but they only differ in some places. Its the same God. No, he hasn't said it out directly that if i become religious and attend church that we will get back together. But it has been implied, so its the impression I get. Faith is important to me too but he is really into it. He seems very unsure about everything, I feel selfish that I keep asking him 'why?' all the time but I truly believe in love and I feel like if I was in shoes and truly loved my partner, I would have done anything to make things work. He thinks that if its meant to be then things will sort themselves out. Can they really though?

I do believe love conquers all niave as that sounds. I have seen in my own family men giving up the preisthood for love.

My nana always tells me of the story of the king that gave up the throne for the american divorcee - now that was love.

I dont believe one person has to make the ultimate sacrifice but i do believe there has to be compromise.

However I would tread very very carefully my dear. He sounds like hes doing the martyr to be honest. Hes sticking around as a friend.Dangling the bait as it were, showing you what you are missing.

It seems to me like an ultimatum. He wants you to come running and say ok ok i'll do x y or z. And that is not love. Its manipulation and tactics and we all know games have no place in love.

You must respect yourself and your choices first and foremost.

I honestly dont think you are doing yoursefl any favours by remaining friends and i think if he is serious about it not working he should cut all ties with you and give you a clean break of it.

By him saying things will work out if they are meant to - bull****. It'll only work out if you change in his eyes so hes hanging around. Stick to your guns and dont do anything you will regret later on.

I know I am contradicting myself saying games have no place however in this instance i would tell him yoiu cannot have contact its too painful and see what his next move is. How about if he loves you he will change or at least compromise?

Let him prove his love.