I just need to vent

LegacyUser

Hey,

I am a 21 year old male and I am slightly confused, have been for quite a few years. I've never done anything with a male before yet I find myself going through periods when I find myself attracted to guys and then periods when I'm attracted to girls. I've thought about both sexes when I'm 'relieving' myself.

The thing is, I could accept if I was Bi if it wasn't for my circumstances. I'm the youngest of six brothers with parents who are elderly who have traditional values. It just feels like a nightmare to even fathom being attracted to guys, especially when physically I am no where the "gay" stereotypical image. Sometimes it gets on top of me that I go weeks where I'm really low and it has drastically affected my Uni Course. I haven't been to a lecture in weeks (though I have been keeping up with assignments).

I just want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation. How did you deal with it? I remember my second eldest brother said to me "just be your own man and don't give a **** about what anyone thinks, including your brothers and parents". That is easier said than done.

Dwn Wth Vwls

I was probably even more confused than you, in that I didn't even realise being bi was a possibility. The first step is always accepting yourself. You're attracted to both genders and that's just the way it is. Trying to deny it or struggle against it is just making you miserable. Accept that that's just the way you are. For me it was a huge weight off my shoulders that I didn't even know was there, and suddenly so many things made sense to me.

The second step is choosing who to tell. You don't have to tell anyone, but unless you tell at least one person it will still feel like a secret. You don't have to tell your parents. You can tell some brothers and not others. You're in control and it's your personal life. You never need to broadcast it from the rooftops. Your circumstances are not unusual or particularly complicated, you're just imagining the worst.

Your brother was right when he said that. You can't let other peoples' opinions of you affect your happiness. There is a reasonable chance you'll be called "greedy" or "bi now, gay later" and various other things. If someone thinks that about you, that's their problem, their insecurities, not yours. You're the only person who knows who you are, everybody else is just guessing or going by what you tell them. Accept yourself -> tell a friend -> appreciate your life and be happy.

Boston

The opinions and attitudes of other people will always effect us. Whether thats some stranger being abusive or a mothers disapproving look, we feel it all. The trick isn't getting to a place where you're completely uncaring for the opinions of your family, but rather that you can move pass them and continue living the life you want to live.

It's tough when you're parents won't accept you. They do love you, and they want the best for you. Most, no matter how traditional, will put their child's happiness before anything else.

Ps, most of us arn't anything like the stereotypical image. I'm just back from a weekend away with LGBT people from all over Ireland, the vast majority where perfectly "average";

gibson

complicated wrote: »

Hey,

I am a 21 year old male and I am slightly confused, have been for quite a few years. I've never done anything with a male before yet I find myself going through periods when I find myself attracted to guys and then periods when I'm attracted to girls. I've thought about both sexes when I'm 'relieving' myself.

The thing is, I could accept if I was Bi if it wasn't for my circumstances. I'm the youngest of six brothers with parents who are elderly who have traditional values. It just feels like a nightmare to even fathom being attracted to guys, especially when physically I am no where the "gay" stereotypical image. Sometimes it gets on top of me that I go weeks where I'm really low and it has drastically affected my Uni Course. I haven't been to a lecture in weeks (though I have been keeping up with assignments).

I just want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation. How did you deal with it? I remember my second eldest brother said to me "just be your own man and don't give a **** about what anyone thinks, including your brothers and parents". That is easier said than done.

As Boston has said plenty of gay guys arent your stereotypical idea of a gay guy. I though felt the same as you or at least as far as taking stereotypes into account. I was very "straight acting" nobody thought I was gay and that made me doubt myself a bit.

The best thing to do, easier said than done I know, is to try and relax a little and not stress yourself out thinking am I this or am I doubt. Let your feelings work themselves out and if it does end up that you think you are gay you will be surprised by how supportive your family can be, even if you think they wouldnt.

My grandparents know Im gay and completely surprised me with their reaction. they completely supported me and said once i was happy they didnt care. I felt because they were older maybe they wouldnt understand....but people can surprise you!

tin_can_ted

Gay ≠ Queen.

I'm gay and I'm far any away like anything you see associate with gay. I mean, there are loads of gay people who just don't feel the need to prance around wearing pink and being effeminate. Surprisingly some of us like football, cars and everything else associated with being straight except the whole bewbage issue

LegacyUser

Originally posted by gibson
My grandparents know Im gay and completely surprised me with their reaction. they completely supported me and said once i was happy they didnt care. I felt because they were older maybe they wouldnt understand....but people can surprise you!

It would be hit and miss for me. I know this because I know that some of my brothers would be accepting, but then again I'd know how my dad and eldest brother would react (they are quite homophobic).

Thanks for the reply lads. What I meant when I said that I wasn't your stereotypical homosexual was that yes, I am into the typical bloke stuff and am not camp, but I'm more worried about my physical appearance. I'm not a stunning bloke with a great fashion sense so I'd be worried that if I did come out that I wouldn't be accepted by anyone.

LegacyUser

I like your brother's advice. )


Seriously, whatever you are thinking is absolutely the worst-case scenario. Our minds are kick ass at making things seem like a disaster, and churning out a hundred and one different ways in which our family and friends will disown us.

You mentioned you could accept it yourself *if only* for your circumstances. Drop the last part, for your sake. Don't wait for someone else to give you the feeling of being accepted, do it yourself.

You are who you are no matter what the circumstances. And who you are is absolutely fine.

On the practical side of things, the great thing about fantasies is that they are (as with all our thoughts), absolutely harmless. And absolutely private. Enjoy the ****ing fantasies! It's not like everyone goes around in a panic thinking, "oh god I've just thought of rubbing my johnson off the back of a pensioner and it was GREAT. What are my parents gonna think when I tell them?!!!". :P

First take one step at a time. In this case, just accept yourself.
If later the fantasies bring about other things, like for example identifying as a bisexual person, or the possibility of a same-sex relationship, maybe you can take the 'family outting' thing under consideration.

LegacyUser

I like your brother's advice. )


Seriously, whatever you are thinking is absolutely the worst-case scenario. Our minds are kick ass at making things seem like a disaster, and churning out a hundred and one different ways in which our family and friends will disown us.

You mentioned you could accept it yourself *if only* for your circumstances. Drop the last part, for your sake. Don't wait for someone else to give you the feeling of being accepted, do it yourself.

You are who you are no matter what the circumstances. And who you are is absolutely fine.

On the practical side of things, the great thing about fantasies is that they are (as with all our thoughts), absolutely harmless. And absolutely private. Enjoy the ****ing fantasies! It's not like everyone goes around in a panic thinking, "oh god I've just thought of rubbing my johnson off the back of a pensioner and it was GREAT. What are my parents gonna think when I tell them?!!!" ;o)

First take one step at a time. In this case, just accept yourself.
If later the fantasies bring about other things, like for example identifying as a bisexual person, or the possibility of a same-sex relationship, maybe you can take the 'family outting' thing under consideration.