Break up/ Moving on

LegacyUser

Hi,
I was hoping for a bit of advice. I've recently broken up with my girlfriend of three years, although I was the one who actually uttered the words, the break was because she no longer loved me. For the last three years she has been my world, everything I ever wanted. How do I move on?
She says she wants to remain friends, but I just can't see myself being able to do that, not yet at least. I still have very strong feelings (love?) for her. I had decided the only way to move on was to rid the house of any remnants of her; photos, cards, gifts etc., cut contact totally and to avoid her in any way possible. But despite wanting and needing to move on I don't want to p!$s on the memories of the time we spent together by burning photos. I also know she would be hurt by this, and despite everything I don't want that. How can I move forward without hardening my heart or becoming bitter, how can I leave a relationship that meant so much to me without ruining the memory of some very special years?
I'm also at a bit of a loss of what to do with myself lately; my circle of friends has dwindled over the last three years due to a lack of effort on my part and people leaving. My whole world revolved around her and now I feel I have no direction, no purpose. I'm inherintly very shy and find it difficult to open up and meet new people. The thought of 'dating' again is both petrifying and laughable at this stage.
I'd really appreciate any suggestions that would help get me moving in the right direction.
Thanks

not yet

In all honesty you have two options. Have no contact,no friendship (very damaging) in my opinion. clean break etc.

Or, hang around,be friends, meet up,text,chat,have coffee etc, which will only prolong the time you need to get over her.

Women can do the friends thing..men can't..simple.

jon1981

i was there, going out with a girl for close to 5 years. your right its not intentional but over the years you do push mates away, and i found that the most difficult to deal with when we broke up, she was always good that way and kept regular contact with her friends, i however was not so good and ill be honest i was majorly pissed off with myself and vowed never to do it again.

the only advice i can offer is make an effort witht he friends you do have and take advantage of any offers for a night out, be it work colleagues, clubs or whatever your involved it, being shy and losing confidence is natural because for 3 years you had someone who told nice things, fancied you etc etc and thats all gone now. i made alot of stupid rash decisions after the break up by getting involved in courses that i had no interest in but was just looking to meet people, its times like this you need your freinds and believe you will never push your freinds away after this. it will take time but you will get there...

MIN2511

My 2c

You broke up with her because you felt there was no love left in the relationship.

As the above poster said there are two ways to deal with the situation: remain friends/clean break

You need the clean break, you are clearly not over her. Tell her that you appreciate the need to remain friends
especially after 3yrs of dating but right now you need your space to heel. Maybe in a few months you would reconsider.

And as for making new friends, try boards night out, i actually hang out with my work mates a lot more than my friends.


Btw, it's too soon for you to start dating anyone yet....

Enjoy life, join a gym, play a sport, go to Scotland, visit countries, just live life and enjoy yourself.

gerTheGreat

Maybe you should ask her to meet you. Explain to her how you feel, (the confusion, need to seperate yourself from the memories, the confusing feelings, etc.) and ask her for some time apart. If you decied that you want to (and can) be friends, then you can always text her and see if that's still an option. If you don't, then move on.

Ger

Peewee_lane

Hye OP Im a woman, and when it came to me breaking up with my ex I cut all contact. 1.5 yr later, we met at a mutual friends b-day and we had a grand chat about how things had been for each other. I still think about him the odd time,but I cant tell you how great it is to have a clean break rather than a messy one.

I really like MIN2511's suggestion... go to Scotland. Basically, book a flight, get over, sightsee on your own for 2 days, come home, see how you are after that. Take yourself out of the box and into something new to get your mind off her.

Good Luck OP, be happy x

Wagon

Clean break is the only way. If she's hurt by the lack of friendship, who cares? To stop loving someone is fair enough but there's prices to pay. If you don't want to pay them don't go out with that person in the first place. And remember, you were never responsable for her happiness. Nobody ever is, we're all responsable for our own well being.

It's time to be selfish, get in touch with mates again. Sort out stuff with them if you need to and hell, if they're real mates they'll forgive you and welcome you back with open arms and a pint. Burn her pictures if you bloody well feel like it. It's not pissing on the memories at all. You can't be friends with an ex. Not for long anyway. Women can do it, most men with balls between their legs can't.

not yet

Wagon wrote: »

Clean break is the only way. If she's hurt by the lack of friendship, who cares? To stop loving someone is fair enough but there's prices to pay. If you don't want to pay them don't go out with that person in the first place. And remember, you were never responsable for her happiness. Nobody ever is, we're all responsable for our own well being.


It's time to be selfish, get in touch with mates again. Sort out stuff with them if you need to and hell, if they're real mates they'll forgive you and welcome you back with open arms and a pint. Burn her pictures if you bloody well feel like it. It's not pissing on the memories at all. You can't be friends with an ex. Not for long anyway. Women can do it, most men with balls between their legs can't.

Spot on.

JCDUB

I've been there man, split up a year and a half now and delighted we did.
But believe me I wasn't at the time.

No contact whatsoever and also a good move, this business of staying "friends" after people break up is nonsense, somebody is always holding onto the possibility (in their heads) of something happening again, the whole reason you were together is because you were compatible on a relationship basis.
This dynamic does not work for friends, you can't just stop going out with somebody and just be friends instead.

I know it's a cliche and I thought it was tripe at the time but "time is a great healer..."

spinandscribble

kinda going through the same thing except i was the gf being told i didn't love him.
this was a month ago though. problem is i DO love him but that doesn't matter he's made his decision that i don't love the real him and i only loved him for being nice to me. smells like a BS excuse and my mind can't help but think up other reasons. i miss him so bad and not for being 'nice' for being him but he wouldn't believe me even if i tried to tell him. i've just moved countries to top things off (which i think is the real reason he dumped me, can't handle working at a LDR) and have been asked out once or twice since getting here and havn't a desire at ALL to meet other guys.

just trying to give you the gfs perspective. maybe you're hurting but trust me theres no way you're going through the confusion she might be feeling. i've cut contact with him, we agreed we'd just hurt ourselves if we did. except i can't stop hoping there will be a email waiting for me each morning ugh... this sucks

Wibbs

spinandscribble wrote: »

he's made his decision that i don't love the real him and i only loved him for being nice to me. smells like a BS excuse

It is a BS excuse. It's a common one too. It's attempting to make you guilty and unsettled for something he's done.

and my mind can't help but think up other reasons.

And it's working.

Don't get me wrong, he's not doing this vindictively, it's just self preservation. It actually doesn't matter whether you love him or not. That's not what he cares about. He cares about what he feels. So you could tell and prove to him that you do love him and it wont change a thing. You probably tried and he still left. Logically, if what he said was true then if you proved him wrong his reason for leaving would be gone, would it not? So as I say it's an excuse or a mask for the real reasons. I would say 99 times out of 100, the reasons people give for breaking up are excuses. They may believe it themselves, but people are often not great at spotting their own reasons, never mind anothers.

They could be; His feelings weren't as high as before, he maybe started to wonder what single life would be, maybe he couldn't see being around for more years, maybe he was bored, maybe beyond romance there wasn't the required compatibility etc. The list is long, but amounts to the same thing, not enough of an emotional reward to stay, against the chance of emotional reward by leaving. It's a failure to go from romantic honeymoon to fulfilling long term and IMHO it's the commonest reason why long term people break up..

It usually hits at around the same kinda time too(from 2 to 4 years, depending when the hormones die down). I would also say nowadays people expectations are higher, so when the initial passion runs down(and it always does), then they have two choices, try to rebuild that in their current relationship or try a new one which has the novelty of new expectation with it. Most jump for the latter, especially when young.

To get through it as others have said, cut all contact and start to move on. Now you will have to mourn the loss and it is a loss. Someone you trusted with your emotions has essentially rejected you as a person. That's a major kick in the goolies. You have to get though the first bit. That's the hard part. Even if you have to fake it. Don't worry about faking it, even if your heart is doing cartwheels in your chest. Keep faking it and that cartwheel will stop sooner rather than later.

Splendour

Wagon wrote: »

You can't be friends with an ex. Not for long anyway. Women can do it, most men with balls between their legs can't.

What makes you think women can do this?

Wibbs

Splendour wrote: »

What makes you think women can do this?

I think it's a numbers game. The one doing the dumping can do the friends bit much more easily as it's to their advantage. The one doing the dumping may want to keep the ex around until someone new comes into view. I would reckon many more women are the dumpers in longtermers so it looks like women can do it easier.

quinevere

been there got the t shirt exs can't be friends too hard

my ex broke up with me " didn't feel the same anymore" and said we should be friends I moved to limerick for a while and back in dublin now but being in contact is too hard its easier to do clean break the only problem is if you have doubts/ hopes about the breakup then you going to have a lot of what if 's floating about your head? - Everybodies different and no two situations are the same

LegacyUser

I took a lot of the advice given and really appreciated it. I told my ex that I wanted to cut contact totally and did; this meant I had to really accept that the relationship was over. It was really tough, I felt rejected and angry at how things had ended but was beginning to really accept that IT WAS OVER.
I then recieved a message from my ex yesterday, apologising for the way she treated me, saying she was wrong and that she had made the biggest mistake of her life. I refused to see her. I ended up being manipulated into meeting her again. She cried, she wailed, she pleaded, she begged; all the things I had done before the realtionship ended. I found it really difficult but I said I didn't want her back anymore, but I REALLY DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE.
I loved this woman madly for three years, she meant absoluely everything to me. I saw myself sharing the rest of my life with her. But I was really badly hurt by the ending of the relationship and by the way she acted. I'm heart broken and angry and I really don't know how I feel about her anymore. I don't want to loose her because just I'm being bitter or resentful, but I also don't know whether I could ever trust her again. Any progress I've made over the past few weeks has dissipated and I feel like a mess again. Advice really would be appreciated.

LegacyUser

Hi

Sorry to hear about your problem. It's really tough. I am in a similiar situation at the moment. My partner broke up with me this week. But when we settled down and talked about it we got to the root of the problem. They felt under so much pressure because i regarded them as my whole world. The mistake alot of couples make unfortunaltely is that they lose their individual identity. And that leads to their demise. I have learnt in the nick of time that i need to maintain other friendships and have my own life from my partner. I don't need to molly coddle them 24/7. We are now on the road to recovery but we are taking a break from each other to give ourselves the chance to do that. I am so thankful that we had to sense to realise this because we also love each other so much and love like that doesn't come around too often despite what people think about being able to have many good relationships with several people. That may be so...but only a treasured one or two can truely touch your heart like that and understand you. Good luck OP. Maybe a break will do you both the world of good but discuss it with her calmly and take your time. There's no need to rush to find answers now. They'll come in time x

not yet

Listen buddy its like night follows day...........

She tought you would stay friends,which would give her the time to make up her mind about what she wanted,you put a spanner in the works by standing firm.

Roll on a couple of weeks when she knows your serious,cue: Ooh I miss you. I never realised what you meant or what we had.
I love you blah blah fcuking blah.

I promise you it's happened to a million men over the years, If your not strong now your fcuked. Your head is telling you to run..trust it.

Snowie

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,
I was hoping for a bit of advice. I've recently broken up with my girlfriend of three years, although I was the one who actually uttered the words, the break was because she no longer loved me. For the last three years she has been my world, everything I ever wanted. How do I move on?
She says she wants to remain friends, but I just can't see myself being able to do that, not yet at least. I still have very strong feelings (love?) for her. I had decided the only way to move on was to rid the house of any remnants of her; photos, cards, gifts etc., cut contact totally and to avoid her in any way possible. But despite wanting and needing to move on I don't want to p!$s on the memories of the time we spent together by burning photos. I also know she would be hurt by this, and despite everything I don't want that. How can I move forward without hardening my heart or becoming bitter, how can I leave a relationship that meant so much to me without ruining the memory of some very special years?
I'm also at a bit of a loss of what to do with myself lately; my circle of friends has dwindled over the last three years due to a lack of effort on my part and people leaving. My whole world revolved around her and now I feel I have no direction, no purpose. I'm inherintly very shy and find it difficult to open up and meet new people. The thought of 'dating' again is both petrifying and laughable at this stage.
I'd really appreciate any suggestions that would help get me moving in the right direction.
Thanks

I think it would be only naurtal to have the feelings you do. Its gone from 3 years of contact to not much at all.

There's feeling emotions that your no use to having about Your X.

You give your self time to get back into the swing of things...

Dont be in a hurry to get back into a releationship take some time out get to know your self again your 3 years older since you where last single...

Eat dark chocolet i know is girly thing but its tastes nice ...

treat your self to some new cloths, a new hair cut a watch that you want or you no look after your self, your going to have your dull days and your good day's start a new sport join aclub or go do tuff that you allways wnted to do.....

hope this helps man.... good luck

lolli

Op,

I was going out with someone for 3 years and it ended in March. The first few weeks I cried myself stupid, we kept in contact while he tried to decide what he wanted. He called to see me, told me that he didnt love me, then decided that he did. He told me he had a new girlfriend, then told me he only said that to make me back off.

He then called to my house and said that he did love me and was thinking about getting back with me.

I had taken a loan out in my name for him and he hadnt paid, he wasnt answering his phone or any msgs so I called to his house, when I got there it was pretty obvious that he was with someone else despite having been at my house a few days before saying how much he missed me.

After I seen that i cut contact except for once a month when I needed him to pay his loan. Turns out he was with her straight away after we broke up and was waiting to see if she was pregnant or not, if she wasnt he was going to come back to me. Anyway I didnt want him after that. I then was getting messages off him saying he thought we would get back together, he loved me, he never meant it to turn out like this blah blah.

I wanted no contact with him, I started seeing someone else and I was getting messages from him saying who is he, what does he do, I bet hes better than me but I just ignored it all. You need to make a clean break.

People want what they cant have, my ex wanted me back as soon as he realised he couldnt click his fingers anymore. I am shy and lack confidence too but 9 months after our breakup i'm with someone who does not play mind games me and its much easier. I am happy. Trust me op, if you go back you'll only get hurt. You need to make a clean break . some people like playing mind games.

I wish you all the best. My life revolved atound my ex too. I was devestated, I thought my life was over and that my heart would never heal, but it does get easier each day and after a while you will find yourself laughing and enjoying yourself again.

I have learnt what my ex was truely like, he has fcked off back to his home country leaving me with his car loan to pay. It just makes me realise that we really do have to chose wisely who we trust. I thought I was going to be with him forever, thats why I got the loan out of him. I guess we learn the hard way.

Please dont let her make a doormat out of you, you deserve so much better.

Wibbs

Hard one. IME people can be very predictable. We don't like to think we are, but we are. If you know what buttons to press. Sadly that goes arseways if it's someone you actually care about.:D It does for me anyway. I've helped others sort out relationships, but my own? Naw I'm as much of a gobshíte if not more so than everyone else:D

OK now you're pulling away her emotions have suddenly gone the other way. If anyone else reads this and wants to find out how to make someone that's dumping them think twice this is basically how it's done. If they have any feelings for you, or they're self centered as most are, then they will think twice.

Doesn't mean it's anything but what it seems though. Basically she thought one thing and was ok with that and now you've shifted gears and what she thought she had as a backup or sure thing has gone. She was bored or thought she was of the old relationship. Like I reckoned, the emotional investment of leaving was more than the emotional investment of staying. Now she's feeling a touch of panic that you're not in the box she fitted for you of the grieving ex.

She's likely mistaking this emotional panic as something deeper. This is not a reflection on her, she's not doing it on purpose or anything. Just human nature I reckon. The problem is that I reckon it's pure emotion now rather than a commitment to actually work on the relationship. If you do go back unless you do it entirely on your terms as the dumped one, then she'll likely snap back to the old default position.

Now to you; as you see her coming back, you're naturally feeling at least some satisfaction about this. You also have to step back and consider if you're telling her to go away as a punishment of sorts for her rejection of you. Easy trap to fall into.

My advice would be to step back, look, I mean really look at what you want from life for yourself. If she plays little part in that future then continue as you are and walk away wishing her the best. Do not be cajoled into playing her emotional blackmail games.

If it's her sharing that future with you then game ball, you know what you want.

The next harder part is figuring out what she wants. Not so easy. Yea it would be relatively simple to get back with her by milking this current emotional high of hers, but it's not healthy for either of you and it won't last.

As the dumped, she basically has to come back to you. She rejected you, so its now her job to make it up to you and prove that this is not an emotional whim. Do not punish her. Just let her know that you are also fully willing to work at making this work between and for the both of you and the problems that caused the breakup, but she has to be up for that. BTW I mean the honest problems, not the excuses.

SamuelFox

There is some really good advice here - I am in a similar situation, (and believe me its great to hear that there are others out there the same!) albeit my relationship only lasted 10 months. I really share the feelings of loneliness and isolation that people mention - my ex works full time and lives with her family, while I am a post grad student in a small course and most of my friends graduated last year. She has the distraction of work and colleagues and the support of family which I lack. Despite the fact that the relationship had problems (I posted a thread about them here) I really miss her and have made a few clumsy and counter-productive to talk her into getting back with me. My head tells me that reconciliation is a bad idea, especially on her terms, but my heart hasn't listened. I'm up and down like a yo-yo, especially when a mate gives me some well-meaning reassurance that I can get her back. I genuinely haven't felt as low and unconfident in years. All I can think of is what to do to get her back - her 21st is next week and while she insisted that if I went it would purely be as a friend, I still hold out hope. I've drafted a letter to give her in her present saying how I feel, but deep down I know that I am just making a fool of myself in front of someone who has made up her mind.

BeardyGit

Solid reply there Wibbs. OP, pay attention, that's a real lesson.

Viper Two Zero

MIN2511 wrote: »

My 2c

You broke up with her because you felt there was no love left in the relationship.

As the above poster said there are two ways to deal with the situation: remain friends/clean break

You need the clean break, you are clearly not over her. Tell her that you appreciate the need to remain friends
especially after 3yrs of dating but right now you need your space to heel. Maybe in a few months you would reconsider.

And as for making new friends, try boards night out, i actually hang out with my work mates a lot more than my friends.


Btw, it's too soon for you to start dating anyone yet....

Enjoy life, join a gym, play a sport, go to Scotland, visit countries, just live life and enjoy yourself.

Very well said bro :D........nobody said anythin like that to me when i needed it!!!!!!!!!


i found myself in the same situation a few months ago after
being with my girlfriend for eight years.
The most important thing now is your mates and just taking it
a day at a time. i know the thought of trying to meet somebody
else is almost sickening at this point but were is the rush?????
Be a selfish F*#k and do whatever makes you happy now!

have you ever heard of airsoft????
kept my head in a lil bit better order and made a load of new mates

p.m me if need be.........good luck :cool::cool:

LegacyUser

OP, I've been through something similiar. My boyfriend of three years dumped me and I was devastated. He wanted to be friends and we tried it because I couldn't bare to lose him. Eventually I cut contact and he told me he needed me. We got back together. The reasons he had ended it hadn't changed plus I was insecure and looking for signs he would end it. He did, for the same reasons basically. What I'm trying to say is that make sure that the issues that caused the break-up are not just being ignored if you get back together. A lot of trust has been lost and you may not be as secure in the relationship as you were before. She needs to understand this and be considerate of the fact.

If I'm being honest though if I were in that position again I would walk away unless there was some very good reason not to.

Good Luck

xx

LegacyUser

Thanks for the posts, some really insightfull stuff here.

"She's likely mistaking this emotional panic as something deeper. This is not a reflection on her, she's not doing it on purpose or anything. Just human nature I reckon. The problem is that I reckon it's pure emotion now rather than a commitment to actually work on the relationship"

This is pretty much what had been going through my head too, I was afraid I might be being too guarded though. I find it quite hard to really tell how I'm feeling lately, because I was hurt and I suppose also because I'm also a bit bitter and angry towards her.

"You also have to step back and consider if you're telling her to go away as a punishment of sorts for her rejection of you. Easy trap to fall into."
Initially her contacting me was gratifying I'll admit, but she seemed so geniunely regretful and hurt herself that this passed as soon as we talked. This has been whats been eating me up, I don't want to loose her for the wrong reasons; because I'm too hurt/angry (If what she's feeling is 'legit'). I can't seem to wrap my head round how I realy feel about it/her/us.

"My advice would be to step back, look, I mean really look at what you want from life for yourself. If she plays little part in that future then continue as you are and walk away wishing her the best. Do not be cajoled into playing her emotional blackmail games.

If it's her sharing that future with you then game ball, you know what you want"

She had been all I ever wanted and I saw myself spending my life with her, but I don't really know if this is true anymore. I don't think I can make this decision, rationally, yet. I need time and space, thats what the head says. The heart says jump at the opportunity, that by waiting (for the head to catch up!) the option of getting back together will disappear.
I've begged her not to contact me, as everytime she does it sends my brain into over-drive and I'm upset, agitated and emotional for the rest of the day (thats why I'm posting this late when I start work in less than five hours!) and I can really do without that at the moment.
I really appreciate the posts, they're helping me as I think things through.

LegacyUser

I wish someone had given me some of this advice about a month ago! Been there OP, very recently, and all I will say is run, run, as fast as you can. I was almost over my ex when he came back and any progress I had made was immediately undone. It only confused me more. Rationally I knew that I didn't want to get back together but it took me four weeks to admit it to myself. And by that stage he thought that we were definitely going to get back together so telling him that we weren't wasn't much fun either. I would advise that you keep your distance for a month or two and then come back and see where you both stand. Don't worry about the option of getting back together disappearing with time. That's something that plagued me but it's simply not true. If they mean it they'll stick around until you're ready. best of luck.