Sex advice

LegacyUser

Hi guys im sorry if this is long there is a lot to get off my chest.
mods please dont move this to a different forum as i dont have access to sex and sexuality.

Im a female in my early 20's and have been going out with my boyfriend for a little over 4 months. I was a virgin when i met him and really didnt have much sexual experience at all. we have been having sex now for the past month and to be honest i feel its just a disaster.

I still find initial penetration painful but the rest is fine. i am quite turned on and wet but it still hurts a little. there is plenty of foreplay so i dont think that is the problem. actually there have been two occasions where it has been totally painless i was amazed but dont know what i did differently! alcohol makes no different either by the way!

there is another slight problem..i have yet to have an orgasim(by any means) with my boyfriend. This is really getting him down as he thinks its his fault. I just want to calrify it is not him at all. Im pretty sure im over thinking the whole thing or something but its getting to me too. we have bought a rabbit vibrator..only used it once and still nothing!! i think so much pressure was put on that attempt.

before people say anything..i have NO problem having an orgasim on my own. its getting a little frustrating as im honestly not getting anything out of sex at the moment so am reluctant to do it as im kinda thinking whats the point and it will be sore!!

i love my boyfriend and please dnt say its him, hes had long term relationships before and i dont think has had this problem before. i have told him what i like and helped him along..but still not working...i think we are both putting pressure on each other and ourselves without realising it. we do communicate and all the rest of the stuff that is usually said on boards..so i really just dont know what to do now.

yes i know we have only been having sex for a little over a month but its getting to point where i just dont want to do it as i get nothing out of it. i like that my boyfriend has an orgasim etc but think hes starting to get paranoid because he thinks im not into it(hes kinda right)

i just want to make it good for the both of us and have no idea what to do?! please help me i would appreciate your advice!

thanks guys!

not yet

I'd say as long as your both working at it will come good at some stage,

Forget all the pressure from t.v etc just enjoy what you both have and keep working at it there's no easy fix.

Talk,chat,explore, have fun,relax,bite,lick do whatever your comfortable with, but mostly enjoy.

claiva

I've never met a girl who couldn't orgasm from cunnilingus. Have you tried that ?
Works every time.
Do your foreplay, but instead of penetration, have him go down and bobs your uncle.

not yet

claiva wrote: »

I've never met a girl who couldn't orgasm from cunnilingus. Have you tried that ?
Works every time.
Do your foreplay, but instead of penetration, have him go down and bobs your uncle.

Good girl......you know your stuff!!!!

Madame Razz

OP, you need to relax.

Relax, forget your inhibitions and enjoy it, the experience, his body, your body, the sensuality, the sexuality etc.

Stop overthinking. Its the most natural thing in the world. Thats why theres little difference between being inexperienced and experienced, apart from the fact that you know what you like when you have experience, but if you don't well then theres a world of fun to be had finding out;).

Just focus on enjoying each other OP, and enjoying yourself!!

Best of luck!!

MH

LegacyUser

claiva wrote: »

I've never met a girl who couldn't orgasm from cunnilingus. Have you tried that ?
Works every time.
Do your foreplay, but instead of penetration, have him go down and bobs your uncle.

Sorry but hello! Here I am, female and cunnilingus is my least fave thing in bed!!!
I am no prude either believe me. Have only come twice in my life from it, though its not from lack of trying mostly to please the man to be honest. Have to allow them have a go before we can move on to the good stuff. I cannot let go without huge mental effort during it. Just cant, dont want to and never will.

Wheras drop the hand and fingers and Im singing Opera after 30 seconds, all that lick, lick, lickin is just too much pressure and too much sensation, whenever a man starts that I have to pull him outta there. Cant stand it!

I also think that is the problem here too OP, too much pressure. With all the pressure you are putting on yourself you are possibly creating a mental block.

I dont know what to advise other than try to remove the pressure somewhat. Seeing as you have no trouble bringing yourself to orgasm, could you do it in front of him and that way, you might be able to break through the barrier?

shellyboo

I've been having sex for... well... a hell of a lot longer than a month and I still find penetration painful on occasion. It's mostly a mental thing, if you're feeling tense or stressed then you naturally will find it that little bit harder (no pun intended ) - and seeing as sex has become an issue for you, there's no doubt that you're always feeling tense.

Even if you feel you're wet enough with your own natural lubrication, extra lube is always a good idea. Even the process of your bf applying it for you internally and externally may help you to relax in anticipation of penetration.

please help wrote: »

there is another slight problem..i have yet to have an orgasim(by any means) with my boyfriend.

I'll go with my own experience as well... I was having sex for almost a year before I had an orgasm with a guy. It takes time. There's also a school of thought that says younger women find it hard to achieve orgasm with a partner, and some may in fact be unable to do so until they reach their mid-20s - that's a penetrative orgasm, I mean. If you're finding you can orgasm on your own, then why not show your bf how you do this? I guarantee he'll find it a huge turn-on to watch and 'help'.

Once you've overcome that hurdle of actually orgasming with him - and bear in mind that it doesn't have to be from penetrative sex, if he makes you climax with his fingers or his tongue - it's a step in the right direction.

please help wrote: »

We have bought a rabbit vibrator..only used it once and still nothing!! i think so much pressure was put on that attempt.

You're super lucky to have a bf open-minded enough to let toys into the bedroom! Lots of men find this threatening, and it's great that he's focused on your pleasure. However, a rabbit is really not a couples' toy, and it's not great for beginners either. Something like a vibrating cock ring would be better for both of you, it provides more simple, direct clitoral stimualtion and it maintains the intimacy of actual sex - your bf won't feel left out!
If your bf is as open-minded as he seems, then maybe you could suggest having sex without penetration for a while, as other posters have said... just stick to oral and manual stimulation for both of you.

You have to keep in mind that the majority of women can't climax from penetration alone, it's not as simple as that - so remove that from the equation for a short while, just two or three sessions, so that you become less focused on the whole sex = penetration idea. Just enjoy eachother and ease up on the pressure! It WILL happen, you just have to give it time!

John Mason

claiva wrote: »

I've never met a girl who couldn't orgasm from cunnilingus.

you havent met me then.


OP, you just need to relax and it will come in time, there is more to sex then coming. it not going to happen until are relaxed and comfortable. Sex is still very new to you and you are probably still tense, without even know about and putting all this pressure on yourself isnt going to help.

To say that you are not getting anything out sex because you dont orgasm everytime it a bit childish and suggests you have been watching to much sex and city. there is so much more to sex to orgasm it is about an expression of love and closeness to your partner

i am pretty sure not very people with orgasm EVERY SINGLE TIME

just relax and stop worrying

SpookyDoll

^^ Have to agree with that. A fella going down can be just too much pressure on the girl, especially if she is already having trouble "letting go"
anyway.

I think Shellyboo has it spot on, just relax and get to know your partner OP. You will find as time goes on and you learn to trust him you should be able to move twords letting go properly.

At the moment I would not focus on the orgasm too much. Just continue messing around and remember its not the Olympics, there is no "time limit" on you to "achieve" everything.

Try not to worry too much about the "end result" and just enjoy the journey for the time being.

Marksie

please help wrote: »

Hi guys im sorry if this is long there is a lot to get off my chest.
mods please dont move this to a different forum as i dont have access to sex and sexuality.

Im a female in my early 20's and have been going out with my boyfriend for a little over 4 months. I was a virgin when i met him and really didnt have much sexual experience at all. we have been having sex now for the past month and to be honest i feel its just a disaster.

I still find initial penetration painful but the rest is fine. i am quite turned on and wet but it still hurts a little. there is plenty of foreplay so i dont think that is the problem. actually there have been two occasions where it has been totally painless i was amazed but dont know what i did differently! alcohol makes no different either by the way!

there is another slight problem..i have yet to have an orgasim(by any means) with my boyfriend. This is really getting him down as he thinks its his fault. I just want to calrify it is not him at all. Im pretty sure im over thinking the whole thing or something but its getting to me too. we have bought a rabbit vibrator..only used it once and still nothing!! i think so much pressure was put on that attempt.

before people say anything..i have NO problem having an orgasim on my own. its getting a little frustrating as im honestly not getting anything out of sex at the moment so am reluctant to do it as im kinda thinking whats the point and it will be sore!!

i love my boyfriend and please dnt say its him, hes had long term relationships before and i dont think has had this problem before. i have told him what i like and helped him along..but still not working...i think we are both putting pressure on each other and ourselves without realising it. we do communicate and all the rest of the stuff that is usually said on boards..so i really just dont know what to do now.

yes i know we have only been having sex for a little over a month but its getting to point where i just dont want to do it as i get nothing out of it. i like that my boyfriend has an orgasim etc but think hes starting to get paranoid because he thinks im not into it(hes kinda right)

i just want to make it good for the both of us and have no idea what to do?! please help me i would appreciate your advice!

thanks guys!

OK..first off you both must take a step back and relax. Focus not on penetration but on the whole experience.
You are both pressurising each other and it will do no good in the long run.
Because your bfriend has had previous experiences doesn nbot mean that what will work for them works for you.
To have commented on that is a sign that he has a lack of awareness of your sexual responsiveness.
So back to basics for you both: expermient with no pentration nights, use touch massage, communication, laughter and sheer touch to explore each other both genitally and non genitally.
Dont pressure to penetration, but step away from it. Learn about each other, be open to exploration.

That kind of pressure does happen to us all, and usually it happend because we get in our own heads about it. The idea is to recognise it and step away.

It does happen to us all at time, even me , but in stepping away and allowing myself to be present over teh space of the evening it vanished.
So no one is quite immune from it .

So recognise this..its both your issues in realsiing you are not communicating effectively, are not aware, and aren't open to actually leanring about each other.
All of which is emminently fixable.
You are seeing recurrent themes from posters: relax, communicate, make it fun and it will become ecstatic

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

i am pretty sure not very people with orgasm EVERY SINGLE TIME

TbH PFB, if people step back, talk, explore, relax and do not make orgasm the focus, get out of the head and into the present, be aware then conversely people will orgasm every time and not only once. Multiple and enhanced states of ecstacy are attainable very easily. Its when the sex and the city syndrome is pushed forward that the issues do start.
Its a case of when you dont focus on the end point but on the journey that things really happen

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Try not to worry too much about the "end result" and just enjoy the journey for the time being.

.... pretty much spot on.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar situation to the OP - am a similar age and only recently began having sex. Penetration is damn sore!! For the moment I'm getting way more pleasure from non-penetrative stuff. Am yet to orgasm with him though.

I'm guessing though, as many of you have responded, that we should just relax and enjoy it, and things will improve......

LegacyUser

OP i totally know where you are coming from! i have been with my fella for six months and its just been over a month since anything happened bedroom wise.
I am always turned on plenty of foreplay yet it still hurts like hell and i cant feel him side me. i went to the doctor cause it actually was getting to me and she told me to use ky jelly for the pain[brill stuff] and to cut down on a lot of foreplay as i was making myself too wet hence why i couldnt feel anything.
As for not been able to reach orgasm show your boyfriend what to do. i showed mine and he got such and turn on from it and after a bit of practice he finally got it right.Best a luck!

LegacyUser

and also think about using some extra lubrication (thats to the unregistered poster not the OP) if penetration is sore as that will make it all a lot easier. condoms can really stick against the skin down there and feel uncomfortable. i've been having sex for well, a good while now (!) but i much prefer when im extra lubed up (sorry if that sounds crude) - it just makes it much more easy and pleasurable. my bf loves it to and also you have less likelihood of feeling a little tender or sore afterwards.

to the OP, i dont orgasm all the time with my partner and we've been together years! through penatrative sex its just occasional. with other stuff, much more frequent! but yeah, just be relaxed and dont stress it. just enjoy the foreplay - the being close, the touching, the kissing, the intimacy and if you're happy to enjoy the penatrative sex also then just go with it. it doesnt have to be about orgasming. just being able to feel that close and connected to someone and looking in their eyes. or else raw passion and excitement and kissing and madness. just go with it! everything will fall into place#!