Poem or song?

Focus6

Okay, so have written a poem/song...who knows what it is.
Its about a girl I have a crush on, but who is goin out with someone else.
Let me know what ye think.
No title yet.


Were you sent to Earth for a reason?
'Cos I can't think of any.
Like a sudden change in the season,
You warm the Winter for many.

When you speak everyone listens.
Your laugh is pure infectious.
Excited as your eyes glisten,
Your beauty is totally shameless.

You have a mind so special
And I can't think of another.
I'll wait but my chances are brutal,
Imagine talking to your dad 'bout his daughter?

What would our children be like?
Sound like a gentle seabreeze whisper?
And if some lightening strikes
Would your love for the hero get weaker?

Insect Overlord

As it's written now, I'd consider this piece to be closer to a poem than a song. It needs a chorus or a refrain to really look/sound like a song.

Before I give a more detailed critique, may I ask what age you are OP? The poem reads very much like the work of a young writer, hopefully my saying so doesn't offend you.

Focus6

no offence taken.
I'm 27...not sure how young that is considered to be anymore.

I was thinking it was a poem aswell.

Insect Overlord

Right, I'm finally getting around to analysing this one! I know from your PMs, Focus6, that you're not used to writing poetry, so I'll try not to sound too harsh. I'm a bit of a perfectionist when I write, and I've given a few pretty harsh reviews here before, just to warn you

The positives: I like the sentiments behind the poem, they ring lound and clear. It's obvious that the girl in question is striking. There's a few nice ideas that capture the imagination, such as

Focus6 wrote:

Imagine talking to your dad 'bout his daughter?

and

Focus6 wrote:

Excited as your eyes glisten

I also like the effect of the phrase "a gentle seabreeze whisper", that's a little piece of inspiration right there.

On the other hand, there are several outstanding parts that could be greatly improved.
i) The opening lines seem to contradict everything else.

Focus6 wrote:

Were you sent to Earth for a reason?
'Cos I can't think of any.

When I read these lines I immediately get the impression that you meant them in a negative way. It's as though you are saying there is no reason for the girl to exist, that she serves no purpose. By immediately following that opening with a comparison to warmth in winter, you have set up a confusing start to the poem.

ii) I don't know why exactly, but the use of the word "pure" in the second stanza bothers me. Perhaps it's snobbery on my part, but here in Limerick the word pure is used like that by people who are not good at giving more eloquent descriptions (e.g. "she's pure haunty, that one!") I think it would work better if you simply put in a comma:

your laugh is pure, infectious

In this way the word becomes an adjective in itself, rather than putting emphasis on the second word. The connotations associated with the word pure are positive, so it would work well like that.

iii)

Focus6 wrote:

You have a mind so special
And I can't think of another.

I'm a little thrown by this too. Could you clarify as to what this "another" refers? It's probably something obvious, but I'm just not able to read into it.

iv) Another thing that bothers me is how you dive headfirst into the final stanza with

Focus6 wrote:

What would our children be like?

That's a pretty powerful statement to make without some kind of a build up! Unfortunately it comes across as a bit stalkerish (as you admitted yourself in PM ) I feel that if you put in another verse between the 3rd and 4th, one that outlines other possibilities in the earlier stages of the imagined relationship, it may come across more romantically.

v) This is just me being pedantic, but does anyone ever use the word "some" when they're talking about lightning? It's rarely talked about in quantifiable terms, at least not in my experience. Maybe replace "some" with a more descriptive word.

All in all, you've got a very good piece here for somebody who doesn't write very often. I could see it turning into a very effective love poem if you put the time into it. If writing isn't a regular hobby for you, maybe just keep a draft in a notebook that you can work on when you've a few spare minutes. It's a good first draft, and a little bit of editing could do wonders.

Good luck!