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Quickies

  • 13-11-2008 12:15am
    #1
    chaotic_vr
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 63 ✭✭


    Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
    "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
    "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
    "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
    "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". "Sensible" says Jeff." So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?"
    "I kicked her in the face."

    A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

    A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

    "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

    "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

    "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

    "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

    "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

    An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
    "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

    "Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

    "I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

    One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

    "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

    "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
    Now I do it in ten..."

    There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

    So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

    She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"

    He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself.

    When she asked what was so funny, he answered,"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

    Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor.
    This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

    A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

    The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.
    WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!
    The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

    Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH.
    The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces!
    The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

    Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

    The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox,and out pops a little fly.
    WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!
    A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.
    The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

    And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"


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