hmmm

Will

Ok, never thought I'd post here but hey first time for everything right?

Basically got a bomb dropped on me over the weekend.

Got told I've a half sister. My jaw hit the floor.

I don't wanna go into huge detail for fear of being outted for want of a better word.

Main issues are that im angry at my father, i shouldnt be, im still in shock. The girl wants to communicate via email, i dont know if im ready. Whole host of issues running through my head

any advice is muchly appreciated as always

Bottle_of_Smoke

Approx what ages are ya?

I'd say try and look at the bright side. There's someone alive that's clsoely related and wants to know you. Something about family relationships that normal friendships just don't have.

Try not to resent her. I'm sure it's natural but imagine how she feels.

I don't think email is the right way to go. Well maybe exchange one or two and then meet up. Need human contact for this kind of thing.

As for your dad. Things happen, things get covered up but could happen to the best of us. You only live once, I don't know the circumstances but do best to forgive him.

towel401

you should be delighted

i wish i had a half-sister. i'm only and lonely.
is the half sister older than you?

Will

he told me the story, im deliberately being sketchy tbh

she's older than me by about a year and living in the southern hemisphere so email is the only way to go me thinks
im doing my best not to resent anyone but find myself being snappy at my dad

im sure its more of a big deal for him than it is me

towel401

Will wrote: »

he told me the story, im deliberately being sketchy tbh

she's older than me by about a year and living in the southern hemisphere so email is the only way to go me thinks
im doing my best not to resent anyone but find myself being snappy at my dad

im sure its more of a big deal for him than it is me

had he any good reason for not telling you? call her on the phone this text-based communication sucks

tedstriker

Without sounding like Dr. Phil, put yourself in her shoes. While you obviously never knew about her you at least you always had your Dad there and never had anything to wonder about until now. She, i can only assume, had no Dad and perhaps lacked a sense of who she was. You can be angry with your Dad but she is still suffering. What harm can an email be between 2 people do. You should be excited. The world isn't made of chocolate and roses and this is how things sometimes happen. Life could be a million times worse and I don't say that to trivialise your situation, just to say you should have perspective on the situation and don't do anything that you might regret.

Kinetic^

towel401 wrote: »

had he any good reason for not telling you? call her on the phone this text-based communication sucks

I wouldn't be so quick to knock an email to her. It's a surprise to Will so he's hesitant to contact this person. An email will be less personal but will also let him ask questions that he may bottle over the phone.

AngryBadger

Being told you have a half-sister is not just an act that occurs in isolation. learning this, to some extent, undermines a vertain amount of the faith you have in your father, and possibly the foundation of the relationship ye've built up over your entire life. A big question I would guess is "what else hasn't he told me?".

It's normal, and indeed healthy for you to feel what you're feeling. Acknowledge it, and acknowledge the way it changes and is going to change. I'd guess you may get a whole lot angrier, sad, and so on.

Obviously we don't have details here, I don't know what kind of relationship you and your dad have, but I'd suggest telling him exactly what you're feeling. It'll put a better shape on it in your head, and it'll allow you to tease it out with him, which will hopefully help mend the trust between ye.

Re; the half sister, I'd say contact her, but give yourself a few days, hell give youself a wee or however long you need. Don't feel pressured into it, but do bear in mind that she's not responsible for this situation either. Maybe in a few days when your jets have (hopefully) cooled a little you'll be in a better frame of mind to make a decision about contact.

And obviously, PM is always open..

Foxhound38

Will wrote: »

Ok, never thought I'd post here but hey first time for everything right?

Basically got a bomb dropped on me over the weekend.

Got told I've a half sister. My jaw hit the floor.

I don't wanna go into huge detail for fear of being outted for want of a better word.

Main issues are that im angry at my father, i shouldnt be, im still in shock. The girl wants to communicate via email, i dont know if im ready. Whole host of issues running through my head

any advice is muchly appreciated as always

Your shock is understandable, it's not everyday gain a family member unexpectedly. You shouldn't rush yourself in coming to terms with this, it will take time and you should hold off contact until you're sure your ready. Make sure you take as much time as you need, don't force yourself to go any faster than you're comfortable with.

Don't be apologetic regarding your feelings towards your father, you have a right to carry strong emotions about this, but at the same time try to think of events from his point of view and if you can, confront him with your feelings and allow him the chance to explain himself.

Hope this helped

Pherekydes

Some thoughts and questions: (I'm not prying or looking for any personal info. You should keep that to yourself. These are just things you should mull over yourself)

How long (do you think) has your father known?
Did he have reasons for keeping it to himself/from you until now?
(and don't take this one the wrong way) Is it your business what your father got up to before you were born?
Neither you nor your sister have any fault in this matter.
Half siblings are siblings.
Whether you contact her or not you probably need to just accept what is is.

Just some (disjointed) thoughts at 1 a.m.

Good luck for the future.

Beruthiel

Will wrote: »

Main issues are that im angry at my father, i shouldnt be, im still in shock.

Of course you're angry Will, why wouldn't you be? He kept this info to himself for years (I'm presuming, maybe he just found out himself?)
Shock would also be pretty normal.
Take whatever time you need to asimulate this information.
Talk to your Dad some more and find out his reasons for not telling you sooner.

The girl wants to communicate via email, i dont know if im ready.

First off, this is not her fault.
Perhaps she knew you existed for much longer than you did and has already gotten past the shock stage and is excited to know her brother.
However, do not get in touch with her until you have come to terms with this.
The time will come when you will probably be curious to know what she looks like and who she is. Until you feel that way, don't do anything.

Grawns

I have a half sister too! Found out about 4 years ago when she was just about to emigrate to Canada from the UK ( where she was given up for adoption by my mother in the late 60's). She's wonderful. I have visited her once in uk and twice in canada and she's coming over to Ireland in 09. It was her choice to wait to contact my Mum as the records were open.

Yeah it was a shock and I already have siblings but that's what happened back then. My Father always knew - maybe your issue is over loyalty to your Mother? Maybe it's shock!

Anyway blood is thicker than water and she felt like my sister from the moment we met. Give her a chance. She's trying to find out what her background is and I can guarentee you she is more worried than you.

The_Conductor

I've been on the other side of the equation- while I can understand why the OP might be angry, just keep in mind that your sister had no say in the matter, and its not fair to base any relationship that you might have with her on the anger you feel towards your father, or other issues such as finding out that you have an older sibling when you always assumed you were/are the eldest. She is not trying to usurp any role that you might have in the family. You can be certain that she is probably petrified at the prospect of meeting you- think of all the good things that having an older sister might mean to you.

Regards,

S.

LegacyUser

going unregged for this as was in a similar situation a number of years back when I found out I had a half brother a few years younger than me. I was around 16 at the time so was unsure how to deal with it.

I actually found out from a female cousin the same age as me who's mother (my mothers sister) had told her. To say I was angry would be an understatement, angry at my father, humiliated the way I found out, and at a loss what to do.

The difference between the OP and me is that your sister knows you exist, to the best of my knowledge my half brother is unaware he has another family, he was taken at birth from his mother who was unmarried at the time of my fathers affair and raised by her married sister as one of her own children.

Because of this I decided it would be very unfair to initiate contact, unfair on him, his family, not to mention the probability of hurting my mother by dragging old history back up.

Since then I've often wondered what he looks like, how his life has turned out etc. I always hope even though I've never met or talked to him that things are ok and life is good to him.
I don't know if he's ever been told the whole truth about where he's from.

My point is, OP your half sister or sister, whatever you want to call it is aware she has another family and would like to contact you. It'll take time to take in what you've found out, I know it took me quite a while, but I think if I was given the opportunity to talk to my brother I would, maybe slowly at first, but over time I'd like to get to know him.

best of luck

not yet

My ex found out 2 years ago that she had a half brother,seemingly her dad had an affair 50 years ago.

Her dad since passed away so she can't ask all the questions she wants to ask.
Seems to be working out fine ,the ex and her family have constant contact with their half brother.

Go for it you have nothing to lose.........

Dudess

Wow Will, hope you're doing ok. Take some time to process all this, don't leap into emailing her while your emotions are all tangled up.

NewFrockTuesday

yep. Been there. I think youre lucky to have her contact details though. I found out I have a half brother a few years ago but have never been able to find him. I feel like theres some part of me floating around out there and maybe he doesnt even know I exist or my brothers exist. I wonder alot about him but cant actually do anything more to find him as it woould cause too much upset so just have to respect my mothers wishes (while shes alive at least) and pretend he doesnt exist.

Go for it and enjoy your new sibling! Someone new to fight with and love!

Ginny

Been in a similar situation myself, not my father but close enough.
The shock is weird, it does make you question your faith and notions of the person involved.
All I can say is take it softly, decide what you want to do, if you decide you want regular contact with your half sister then you are probably going to let her take the lead.
It must have taken her a long time to pluck up the courage to contact you, I know we found out by accident and at the time the best option was to give the "child" involved our contact details and tell them we were there for them if they wanted to persue it as we knew how difficult the situation was, as the "father" didn't want to know now either.
Slowly and after Christmas cards, birthday cards etc. phonecalls we've made progress, obviously the "child" involved is very angry with the father, and so are we but on both sides we've tried to seperate ourselves from that problem and embrace the fact that we've found another member of our family, and by just meeting us a lot of questions the "child" had have been answered.
Will hope everything goes ok.

marti101

Ah Will hope you are holding up ok.Dont do anything drastic yet wait a while until you feel you are ready to deal with it.Found out my dad wasnt really my dad so i know what a bombshell it tis.But your new sis is not at fault and things happen.Can you get your dad to tell you a bit more from around the time it happened.We are all thinking of you here and the pm box is never to full so if you need to rant or whatever feel free.

Ginny

Sorry just had another thought, does your father know you know Will?

star-pants

Hey Will - I can imagine that's one hell of a bombshell alright and I understand your confusion and anger etc. As others have said it makes you question the past and the present, and your relationship with your father.

A close friend of mine found out she'd a half sister a couple of years ago (older than her but younger than her older brother) and of course she felt very weird about it and all sorts. She wasn't sure what to think, but obviously at the end of the day her half-sister had nothing to do with the situation , neither did she, and she did make contact with her after she'd let things settle.

So if you feel you'd like to get to know this girl wait until your mind has had time to settle and adjust and then get in contact. She'll be as nervous and as questioning as you are I'd say. But make sure your mind's in the right place, there's no rush, she'll always be there.

As regarding your father - I suggest maybe talk to him - there are assumidly questions you want answers to but perhaps try not to be too hard on him, he's probably finding things tough himself, but ye probably need to talk things out so that the air is clear.

*hugs* pm anytime

Sleepy

Couple of thoughts -

Go for a pint with your dad and have a proper chat about it all.
Do likewise with your mum .
Contact the half-sister - none of this is her fault and you've only got something to gain...

Finally - would your Dad be prepared to foot the bill for you to visit your new half-sister? Free holiday to Oz!

(I'm a glass half-full person this morning!)

Wibbs

AngryBadger wrote: »

Being told you have a half-sister is not just an act that occurs in isolation. learning this, to some extent, undermines a vertain amount of the faith you have in your father, and possibly the foundation of the relationship ye've built up over your entire life. A big question I would guess is "what else hasn't he told me?".

It's normal, and indeed healthy for you to feel what you're feeling. Acknowledge it, and acknowledge the way it changes and is going to change. I'd guess you may get a whole lot angrier, sad, and so on.

Obviously we don't have details here, I don't know what kind of relationship you and your dad have, but I'd suggest telling him exactly what you're feeling. It'll put a better shape on it in your head, and it'll allow you to tease it out with him, which will hopefully help mend the trust between ye.

Re; the half sister, I'd say contact her, but give yourself a few days, hell give youself a wee or however long you need. Don't feel pressured into it, but do bear in mind that she's not responsible for this situation either. Maybe in a few days when your jets have (hopefully) cooled a little you'll be in a better frame of mind to make a decision about contact.

And obviously, PM is always open..

Great advice and I can add little to it.

IMHO the best thing you can do is as AB says give yourself a few days to breathe and come back to contacting her etc then.

Ditto with the PMs

tbh

dude - woah. Big news. Only advice I can give you is try not to be angry, even tho it's natural that you would be. If your new half-sister is a year older than you, that means this all happened like, 20-odd years ago, and it's not productive to punish your dad for something that happened that long ago. He's still the same guy you've always loved, it's just you've found out he made a mistake a while ago. He's probably in bits himself, not least for the effect it's had on you. He's been there for you before, so maybe you can be here for him now? End result - in a year, six months time, you'll be focussed on the fact that you have a sister, and not how you found out, so try not to do/say anything that you can't take back.

This is good news man, I know it doesn't seem like that now (or maybe doesn't).
I'm on IM, holla at your boy if you need to.

Trinity

Had the exact same bombshell dropped on me when i was 11.

I can still remember the anger and hurt, i thought i was the eldest child, but i wasnt. I remember being so angry at my Dad and moreso at the mother of this kid, I called her all the sluts in the world cos of course my dad being my dad i blamed her and not him. I was hurt for my mother too as there was only 3 months in the difference, so both ladies had been pregnant at the same time :eek:

I understand there is a difference finding out as a child and adult. But believe me this feeling will pass. It really will. There is no point at this stage blaming anyone, as it cannot be undone. But!! My advice would be to ask questions now. Write them down if you need to but anything you need to know just ask now. People are willing to talk now as they know you are hurt and angry and deserve an explanation, so they will answer your questions now but later on they kind of clam up when you bring it up. Thats been my experience anyway.

When I met my sister i thought she was fantastic, if anything i was a little envious as she was so gorgeous and i kind of envied her life, they seemed more comfortable, even though as an adult now she didnt have it so good cos i had my dad and she didnt. We looked a bit alike, and a few things in common it was weird yet exciting.

We lost touch I dont know how, i suppose when i discovered guys and drinking i got a little selfish but i would dearly love to chat to her now but i cant find her.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

beth-lou

I was 19 when I found out my Dad was going to have a baby with the woman who was his mistress behind my Mam's back. At that stage they had seperated, but it still hurt like hell. I think I was more hurt fro my Mam than anything else. It is hard to get your head around, even if you know from the start. But then she was born, and she was beautiful and innocent and oblivious to the family politics that were going on around her.

I suppose you have to seperate your sister from your anger. She's as much a "victim" in this as you, so you already have one thing in common. Your Dad made a mistake, and he has to deal with the fall out now, years later. Ask him questions and tell him how you feel, but when you've done that, try to forgive him. There is no point in holding on to a grudge and wasting the relationship you have with him. As I get older, I realise that things aren't as black and white and people do make mistakes. It just something that you will have to come to terms with. It will take time, but you will get through it and eventually it will fade away and you will reconcile your feelings.

It's nice that she is reaching out. Take your time and make that contact when you feel ready. I think email is actually a great way to bridge the gap, no awkward silences and you can ask questions and get and give answers without feeling pressure to answer them on the spot. You can take your time and get to know her slowly, if that is what you want.

My half sister is 12 now and she's great. I know she still feels a little awkward, but that's her age and she's trying to understand the family dynamics. I do feel for her, because it is very confusing. She has a brother, who is my half brother too and there are five of us on our side, and my Dad and her Mam have recently split, so they are going through a bit of a head melt with that too. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, although your family has changed now, it can still work. There will be difficult times ahead but also lots of great times and new people if you embrace your sister into your life. She's probably had a lot to deal with too and is curious about you.

I wish you well and hope that your anger will become less over the next few weeks. It is a hard and upsetting, but when you come to terms with it, you'll realise that he's still your Dad, maybe with a chink in that halo, but he's still the same man that was there for you your whole life.

Best of luck and sorry for rambling. x

LegacyUser

I was in the same situation when I was 16. I found out I had a 5 year old sister from my father.

I remember feeling quite sad about the whole thing - she had known about me but I hadn't know about her and I thought that was a terrible thing to do to a small child. She was constantly begging to get in touch with me because all she wanted was a sister (she had no other siblings).

We're both quite close now, despite not living near eachother. I would say go for it and get in touch. The situation is your dad's doing, not your fault and not hers.

I've also gotten very close to my sister's mother and we all get on really well.

Good luck with this OP.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and it is a lot to take in. It was before my parents got married though, so there isn't the same acrimony involved (which I'm presuming is part of the issue). We've met up a few times, but we don't consider ourselves half-siblings at all.

As a face to face meeting is off the cards, I would definitely go with email to give yourself time to process everything; I can't imagine a phone call being anything but very awkward.

I don't know if it would be considered ignoring the elephant in the room, but why not try and keep it very light at first - (e.g. what you're into, what you do and all that) so you can get to know her as a person in her own right and not associate your anger at your dad with her.

Anyway, I hope it works out for the best.

nkay1985

Wow Will, sorry to hear how you're feeling. It must be extremely difficult to adjust to news like that.

I must say, though, from reading a lot of the responses of people here that have gone through similar situations that getting in contact is definitely the way to go.

Digest the news. Be very sure what your feelings are about the whole situation and towards your Dad. If possible, talk to him about it all. I know I personally find it difficult to talk to my dad about stuff that really matters - two typical men being two typical men I think - but something like this probably needs to be fully aired before that trust can be rebuilt.

When you're comfortable with it all, drop her an email. Or let her know it's ok for her to email you. I'd say it will turn out to be really exciting.

Best of luck with whatever way you decide to play it.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I've been in the exact same situation as yourself. I know you're angry at your father but you have to understand there may have been many reasons for him not to tell you until now. It will be difficult at the beginning but in time you will realise we all deal with things differently and this was your father's way.

I was similiarly angry with my mother at the start but just let it go and realised she was doing what she thought was best at the time.

I was very open to meeting my new half sister and am very glad I did. I've made a wonderful addition to my family with a beautiful family of her own and I'm proud to call her my sister. Just wish I'd met her sooner.

Just give it a chance, it might be one of the best things you've ever done. Then if it does get too much for you, just tell her. You're under no obligation to keep in contact with her.

Peewee_lane

Look Will, I understand that you're shocked, but I dont know why you want to create an issue out of all of this.

You're Dad didnt have all the answers when he was younger, like you dont have all the answers now.

The half sister, didnt have the luxery of growing up with your father, theres a little bit of him in there with her, and she hasnt had the chance to be with him throughout her years.

You are so lucky, because maybe this is the opportunity of a lifetime you've been waiting for, maybe this is what will change your life.

Embrace it, dont be hard on your dad, be mature and thankful that it is a good thing and not somebody telling you they're dying, etc...

The Corinthian

You are experiencing the loss of the certainties of childhood. As children we have certain 'rocks' upon which we can ground ourselves psychologically; our parents, our family home, our immediate family and so on. As we grow older we begin to realize that these 'rocks' are not in fact immutable, that we cannot rely upon them no matter what and forever. Our parents become human and flawed in our eyes. The family home gets sold. People die.

It's upsetting when we begin to realize that we cannot rely upon these childhood certainties, but we normally come to terms with it.

Discovering you have a half-sibling is one of those certainties being shattered - what defines your family. Naturally you will want to blame your father; after all, he's your father and thus you relied upon him not to be human. Problem is that he is, and a long time ago he fathered another child.

It could happen to anyone. You'd be surprised how often it does; a mother who had an abortion before starting a family is unlikely to ever discuss it with her children, for example, and some parents prefer to keep that part of their lives in the past and so will reject any approaches by children who have subsequently grown up. So there's something to be said in that he has let you know about her. He may have also wanted to do so before, but could not (your mother may have been against it).

So what I'm saying is I wouldn't blame him. Shìt happens. Could happen to you. Those certainties that you could count on in life have been shaken, and trust me this will not be the last time this happens - and this is why you're mad. It's part of growing up and older.

I honestly don't think there is any other solution other than to simply get over it.

The Corinthian

Sleepy wrote: »

Contact the half-sister - none of this is her fault and you've only got something to gain...

Depends on how much his father is worth...

briandy

Wow Will, sorry to hear how you're feeling.