Meditation making me feel wobbly!

highland lass

This is my first post here and I hope you don't mind me jumping in with a plea for help! I have been meditating for the past year or so and have built up a daily practice in the past few months. I am beginning to learn about buddhism but I know I am the very start of a long journey

Up until this past week I have found meditation to be very enjoyable. I have mainly been doing a loving kindness meditation and spending a little time trying to just observe my thoughts. ....this is where I feel a bit wobbly. Whilst watching & listening to my mind, the only thoughts I can hear are the negative voices - I suppose these are the soundtrack we are used to playing in our minds but don't really pay any attention to.

I realise now that having a teacher to help with my practice would be of great benefit but right now it's not practical for me to attend a Buddhist centre - so I'm trying to plug away by myself but honestly, I am reluctant to meditate this evening because I'm kind of worried about what I will hear!

Is this a common thing? I know a lot of Buddhist practice is a case of "suck it and see" - should I stick with the Metta Bhavana until I am more accomplished in my practice or would that be chickening out? I do want to get to know my mind (and therefore myself!) but I'm a bit worried about only ever hearing negative thoughts.....does that make sense?

Oh, so many questions

Asiaprod

highland lass wrote: »

This is my first post here and I hope you don't mind me jumping in with a plea for help! I have been meditating for the past year or so and have built up a daily practice in the past few months. I am beginning to learn about buddhism but I know I am the very start of a long journey

Up until this past week I have found meditation to be very enjoyable. I have mainly been doing a loving kindness meditation and spending a little time trying to just observe my thoughts. ....this is where I feel a bit wobbly. Whilst watching & listening to my mind, the only thoughts I can hear are the negative voices - I suppose these are the soundtrack we are used to playing in our minds but don't really pay any attention to.

I realise now that having a teacher to help with my practice would be of great benefit but right now it's not practical for me to attend a Buddhist centre - so I'm trying to plug away by myself but honestly, I am reluctant to meditate this evening because I'm kind of worried about what I will hear!

Is this a common thing? I know a lot of Buddhist practice is a case of "suck it and see" - should I stick with the Metta Bhavana until I am more accomplished in my practice or would that be chickening out? I do want to get to know my mind (and therefore myself!) but I'm a bit worried about only ever hearing negative thoughts.....does that make sense?

Oh, so many questions

Hello Highland Lass and welcome. The good news is that there is nothing wrong with what you are experiencing. Our mind is a wild place, there are all kinds of things locked away in there. Some are positive, some are negative. The reason you are meditating is to let these things out. When this type of situation occurs you can do one of two things, you can face the negativity and try to focus on what is being said to you with the understanding that you will learn from it and change your outlook, or you can treat it as background interference and let it have free rein, just observe it from a distance and let it run its course. Either way, it has to come out:)
Have a read of the sticky at the top of the page ' Meditation a major struggle...help" as there is some great advice in there. Also, I hope Meditation Mom sees this post and will pass on some of her very valuable experiences of dealing with these types of situations.
Above all, do not be put off by your experience and get back to meditation...it works:)

highland lass

Ah thank you Asiaprod! So just observing these thoughts is helping? Is it enough to just get to know these thoughts for now? Am I supposed to be doing anything with them? There is such mystery in meditation, I know that it is a method of getting to know the mind intimately, and I know that you can sort of reprogramme it too (I watched the Rubina Courtin link on an earlier thread and found it fascinating!) but I don't know how!

I need step by step instructions but I have a feeling there is no such thing:D

Chopper

It is difficult not having a proper teacher or time to attend classes.

There are some great recorded resources online if you have time to download and listen.
One teacher in particular, Gil Fronsdal, has 8 years of his classes recorded and freely available. They include several guided meditations and some series of meditation instruction. At the end he also includes the Q&A with his own students in the recording.

They are available for download here
http://www.audiodharma.org/talks-gil.html
Or via iTunes with Zencast.org

Good Luck with your practice highland lass - let us know how it goes. :-)

MeditationMom

Hello highland lass - when you say that you hear negative thoughts, do you mean you are actually hearing them as if there were someone in the room or in your head speaking them, or are they more just regular negative thoughts in your mind?

The next question - which may strike you as silly, but it is actually quite important, is how many soda's, if any, do you consume in a day? That can affect brain chemistry in a negative way that will make meditation more difficult - as of course many other things like drugs. I am wondering if that may be what is giving you unnecessary trouble.

If you are afraid to meditate because you fear what you may encounter wait a while until your longing for meditation becomes stronger than your fear. In the meantime reflect on fear itself. It is a form of resistance that you can relax no matter what appears before you. Every negative thought, voice or image is nothing but an illusion, so you can say things like "thank you for sharing that" to your mind in a neutral way, or you can say to yourself "no resistance", or "relax" ,to move through any experience.

Keep remembering in meditation that you are the deep stillness underneath all thoughts, images, sounds and experiences in meditation. Kind of like when a huge wave comes at you at the beach and in order not to get knocked over you simply dive way under and let the wave pass overhead. The size and scare factor of the wave is of no importance once you dive below it.

One of my worst meditation experience was a physical sensation that my flesh was being torn off by animals. It is just the parts of your brain shutting down - so all sensations of hearing - be that symphonies or howling wind, visual - beautiful women or monsters, taste, touch, smell - it can be anything and random without meaning anything. They will be both positive and negative. But they are all illusions and somehow you have to remember to remind yourself of that and drop your resistance.

It is the opposite of what you would do in life. If you surrender in life you might get killed. In meditation it is the opposite - only when you surrender and offer no resistance - to flesh tearing animals, for example - can you move through it. Your ego, this false "I" that has attached itself to your body and mind, gets killed that way and you realize your true self, which is infinite peace.

It is the same with "good experiences" in meditation. Any move towards lets say a beautiful woman or other desire-able objects or places, for example, what you would call a temptation in real life, is a form of resistance. Both fear and desire are resistances. No fear, and no desire. No movement away from, or towards something - then you'll get the hang of it. Just be a neutral witness.

How is your sleep? In a way this fear of meditation is like someone being afraid to go to sleep because he fears his nightmares. Soldiers struggle a lot with that. Then we have to learn to become aware while sleeping that we are dreaming. So you have to develop what is called "the witness" in meditation, sleep and day to day life. A neutral witness, observing, present, but unaffected by what is going on. It is good practice to learn to be aware while dreaming that you are dreaming, so try to get the hang of that as well.

I do want to get to know my mind (and therefore myself!) but I'm a bit worried about only ever hearing negative thoughts.....does that make sense?

I know that it is a method of getting to know the mind intimately,

These two things you said in your previous posts raise a red flag. Do not be interested in your mind at all! Be only interested in who you truly are, which is beyond body or mind. It is a mistake to think that once you deeply and truly understand your mind you understand who you are. It is the opposite. You can spend many lifetimes learning the 1001 million things you are not, by studying your mind!

It is equivalent to studying every cell in your body and all the chemistry behind it all, hoping you will learn who you are.

In Buddhism, as in Psychology there are of course many great insights as to the nature of the mind and it is helpful to recognize how the mind keeps asserting itself as "I", but it is endless and only an interesting study. There are many levels to the mind and as you get to recognize the more subtle levels of the mind you may think that that is now who you are, but it is not you, no matter how beautiful and blissful it may be.

It is not the way to discover who you truly are. Make sure to think about this and understand the distinction. If you want to get glimpses of who you are spend time in nature and notice the silence and presence there. Especially when you don't have a master or teacher who has already become that kind of presence for you to tune into, nature is your very best alternative. It is the free gift for everyone. No fees or tapes to buy.

highland lass

Chopper, thank you for that link, that an extensive resource I look forward to exploring!

MeditationMom, thank you for taking the time to write such an in depth reply - it's a great help.

when you say that you hear negative thoughts, do you mean you are actually hearing them as if there were someone in the room or in your head speaking them, or are they more just regular negative thoughts in your mind?

I hear them as if it's someone saying them to me. I rarely see images when I meditate, it's more as if I am listening to the radio - does that make sense? I'm really new to this, so it's hard to describe:o

how many soda's, if any, do you consume in a day?

I don't drink fizzy drinks at all, but I have 4 or 5 cups of tea a day. I know that caffeine can affect sleep but I didn't make the connection about meditation until I read your post!

I think I am getting caught up in trying to "do" something when I meditate. I read about contemplation & reflection but I have no real understanding of what these mean in laymans terms.

One of my worst meditation experience was a physical sensation that my flesh was being torn off by animals. It is just the parts of your brain shutting down - so all sensations of hearing - be that symphonies or howling wind, visual - beautiful women or monsters, taste, touch, smell - it can be anything and random without meaning anything. They will be both positive and negative. But they are all illusions and somehow you have to remember to remind yourself of that and drop your resistance.

Ah! Ok, I think I understand a little more now - that the purpose of meditation is to observe without becoming tangled up in what the stuff means. Because it might not mean anything? WOW. Then there is nothing to be scared of.

How is your sleep?

Well, apart from not getting enough (3 small kids at home!) I have no issues once I am asleep! I do have great trouble getting back to sleep if I am woken up because I tend to lie and think about stuff:rolleyes:But I am not troubled by bad dreams or the likes.

Do not be interested in your mind at all! Be only interested in who you truly are, which is beyond body or mind. It is a mistake to think that once you deeply and truly understand your mind you understand who you are. It is the opposite. You can spend many lifetimes learning the 1001 million things you are not, by studying your mind!

Thank you for this! I have been getting muddled up, trying to piece together the things I have been reading up on & listening to about meditation and not understanding it in the slightest! A bit like adding up 2+2 and getting 5! Meditation was beginning to feel a bit like a burden, like going to a job you don't really like. I was imagining it was meant to be hard work and perhaps that perception was enough to make me resist it.

It is not the way to discover who you truly are. Make sure to think about this and understand the distinction. If you want to get glimpses of who you are spend time in nature and notice the silence and presence there. Especially when you don't have a master or teacher who has already become that kind of presence for you to tune into, nature is your very best alternative. It is the free gift for everyone.

Again, thank you! Funny you should mention this because all my life I have been aware that whilst out walking in nature I have felt a connection to something - It's where I feel most peaceful & at ease

Thank you for this! I have been searching for a comprehensive answer on what meditation is, and your post has been so helpful. I am looking foward to meditating tonight, I think I will be able to have a more open mind now & perhaps less resistance!

I am going to re-read your post later when it's more peaceful to make sure that I understand it properly. You have answered so many questions that I have been unable to get my head around

KamikazeKenny81

I see Meditation mum has sorted you out with fantastic advice as always

Im new kinda new to this type of meditation myself (I used to do some yoga meditation but nothing major) and I am going through the initial difficult times like yourself. Ive come through some major struggles so take heart

Im halfway through reading "Meditation in Plain English" by Ven. Henepola Gunaratana. It has an extensive section on difficulties that can come up in meditation, its very good, I would recommend it if ur looking for a new book on meditation. (Its centered around Vipassana meditation but the difficulties and goals etc would cross over all methods of meditation I would presume?)

highland lass

Thank you KK81:)
It's great to know that I am not alone! I am encouraged that you have come through some struggles.....I know now why it's called "practice"!

Thank you for the book recommendation, I have ordered it & one called The Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield because it seems to have great reviews as well.

Thank you for the ongoing support:)

maitri

MeditationMom wrote: »

Keep remembering in meditation that you are the deep stillness underneath all thoughts, images, sounds and experiences in meditation. Kind of like when a huge wave comes at you at the beach and in order not to get knocked over you simply dive way under and let the wave pass overhead. The size and scare factor of the wave is of no importance once you dive below it.

[...]

Be only interested in who you truly are, which is beyond body or mind. It is a mistake to think that once you deeply and truly understand your mind you understand who you are. It is the opposite. You can spend many lifetimes learning the 1001 million things you are not, by studying your mind!

Thanks!

I had been caught up in just studying emotions and feelings again. So I really needed that. Hope I won't forget again.

MeditationMom

Hi Maitri - I almost didn't open the link in my email box to check because right now I have to write a very important letter - but then temptation got the better of me and I found your rose and all those smiley faces. Thank you! I'll check back in again later.