Regretting not having a sponsor

LegacyUser

Regular poster so flying under the radar for this one.


Im sitting here at home going crazy so apologies if the thoughts are incoherent. Im shaking here and glugging back the tea like its going out of fashion. Im just jotting down thoughts as opposed to looking for advice. It might take my mind off things.

I finally faced facts and realise that Im an alcoholic. A bad one at that and so have taken steps by attending AA meetings recently. The trouble is I havent got a sponsor to help me through the tough bit. Its all tough I think but those times like now where Im physcially screaming and going demented for a drink. Im stuck in the house for the evening alone and Im seriously close to nipping around to the offie as noone will find out and I can wasted. I cant get to a meeting and I feel like Im going crazy here.

My friends know there is a problem but my family dont. Ive been lying about how much I drink to everyone, and I mean everyone including myself. Ive made huge mistakes when drunk and went on a bender this last two weeks. I dont know how I managed to get to bed last night and I cant even recall who Ive slept with. I can recall them actually, but not the entire evening with them. Only bits.

Im here in the kitchen and my mind is crashing in on me.This is the worst Ive ever felt in my whole life. Guilt, shame, fear, disgust, wretchedness, sick to my stomach, too sick to eat. Im sweating and shaking and light headed and cold. Im slicked all over with sweat and its the nasty clingy type but I cant shower yet. I feel total and black despair right now. I dont think I can do this - get off the drink I mean.

Please tell me someone that it gets better. Thats all I need too hear right now. I just keep thinking fug it, Im off to the offie. Its so strong Im terrified I will. I should have gotten a sponsor. I really really regret it. My mind is whirling, you should see the speed Im typing at.

Darragh29

Hi OP, what does a sponsor do?

LegacyUser

A sponsor is someone who has been through the drying out process successfully and can offer guidance in times of need. THey are not a crutch but they are a source of advice through experience.

LegacyUser

In the absence of a sponsor (I never had a 'proper' one all my time in AA) you really need to get to a meeting. Is there anyway you could?? I had some bad compulsions in the early days and literally would drink 15 cups of coffee and feel like pulling the doors off the cupboards. The only thing that slowed me down was a meeting. I would have drank booze out of a dirty puddle. One guy talked to me for about 2 hours after a meeting and it really really helped. I doubled up on meetings on the bad days. Do you have numbers of other memebers? They are usually good at swopping numbers and supporting in the absence of a sponsor. I always felt it is hard to get a good sponsor....well one who has the time and inclination for newbies....Keep your mind occupied....other AA's are the best people to talk to....I think my friends or family could never relate and where a little scared of the compulsions....at meetings it was cool that people understood and helped talking about it...

Nevyn

Can you get in touch with the AA helpline or find out if there is a meeting anywhere this evening or tomorrow that you can go to ?

NotInventedHere

Unregistered wrote: »

A sponsor is someone who has been through the drying out process successfully and can offer guidance in times of need. THey are not a crutch but they are a source of advice through experience.

AA is a bit cultish for my liking. Just a personal opinion. A good councillor would could be more helpful.

Karmaa

Yes of course it will get better, I have not gone through this myself, but one of my best friends went through this and he is now dry over 3 years.
I do think you really need to get yourself a sponsor, as much as they like to be there for you when you need them most, family and friends are not enough support for you at the minute...
I really hope it works out for you and you get all the help and support you need

LegacyUser

I cant get to a meeting tonight. Im too scared to leave the house as I keep puking and dry wretching. I feel so ill Im afraid Ill pass out on the streets and thats the Gods honest truth. Im in alot of pain with cramps ripping through me as well so standing up is hard. Im realsing that Im coming into full withdrawl here. Im starting to panic as this is not improving in any way and Ive gone the fullday without a drink. It wasnt this bad before. Although I was totally ripped to the tits last night with all sorts not just alcohol.

I just want some comfort. I know that sounds needy and sad but its true and its the first time Ive ever admitted it.

If Im still this ill tomorrow Ill go to the doctor. I seriously think I might need to go to rehab. Ill gauge it over the next few days.

suzy5978

hi op,try get to a meeting 2nite or ring another member.i know its hard to pick up the phone but people will be genuinely happy to hear from you.dont be so hard on yourself either and remember these feelings of depression pass.youll kick yourself in the morning if you go back...best of luck...

Darragh29

I know speaking from experience, I went through a phase where I couldn't remember what I got up to the night before after drinking, (ended up in the Liffey one night and in A & E another night), and my mates all went through the same period of complete excess, now though, we are very happy to just go out for a few pints but a few years ago we drank amounts that we are lucky didn't kill us OP, so don't be too hard on yourself... Having said that, you obviously feel yourself that there is a problem so don't let me take you from that either...

dr.bollocko

Those crawling out of your skin moments are the real test of your strength.
Every ten minutes that you dont darken the offy door is another victory for you. The physical effects, the shaking, the headaches and cold sweats etc. will be gone soon. It's a nightmarish part of the drying out. But you can make it through it. You're drinking went out of control because of weakness. Illness. Your out of control drinking became an every day occurance because of habit. You can reclaim your life by staying where you are and dealing with it right now. Or you can keep putting it off until the end of the next bottle and the next and the next. Now is the time to fight.
One drink is too many. A hundred is not enough.

Darragh29

dr.bollocko wrote: »

Those crawling out of your skin moments are the real test of your strength.

How long does this go on for???

Curvy Vixen

OP I'm hoping you're still around and not drinking.

Read over this is you can..you need to call this guy...if you want his number let me know and I'll PM you..


http://www.independent.ie/entertainment/news-gossip/through-a-glass-darkly-121261.html

Gadfly

Hi,

I went through a lot of what you described. I also became house-bound for several months. I got great support from members of AA. Try not to focus on all that's bothering you right now as you are in no fit state to try and sort out the mess yet. If possible get to as many AA meetings as possible, everyday if you can. Also, consider going for treatment if you think it's what is needed. Don't pick up another drink, it won't help. You have made a huge step in admitting you have a problem and well done for that. Best of luck and don't give up.

LegacyUser

Hi all

Thanks for all the replies. I did write a reply before but it hasnt gone up. I dont knwo why?

Im still here. Im in ribbons and I think Im going to hav to call a doctor soon. Im too sick to type anymore. Ill be in touch tomorrow.

You guys are fantastic.

Karen_*

Whereabouts are you OP? Are you in Dublin?

Have you gotten any numbers from AA members that you can call tonight? I'm in AA myself. Its quite hard to get a sponsor and you're better off waiting until you meet the right person. But in the meantime build up your friendships so you have people you can call when you feel like this. I had a horrible day some weeks ago but I forced myself to a meeting. It was touch and go between that and the off licence but the feeling did pass and the help of others was great.


You're not alone OP. I can bring you to a meeting tomorrow if you need to get to one and are in Dublin. You can pm me if you'd like.

LegacyUser

Im in Dublin Karen. People would be too much now I think. I look like an alien with the big grey head on me and black circles under my pinky eyes. I didnt get any numbers when I was there. I only went to 3 meetings ever. I was intimidated tbh.

Thanks for the link Curvy. I had a brief look, Ill read over it more tomorrow. I know my head will need as much work as my body. Im trying to occupy myself hee and had a shower. I had to keep stooping but I got the slick off for a while. I swear to God it feels like every pore on my body is open and poison is seeping out. Im disgusting still even though Im washed.

All your responses are really appreciated. I might be giving the next Beers a miss though

Ive taken Solphadine and smoked a few spliffs. I know its not helping the end objective, but my head feels a bit better. My body is the same but its not gotten any worse. Im just grateful for that. Im not as freaked about the pain - which has lessenned to some extent.

Karen_*

I couldn't stand the meetings or the people either when I first went so I left. I eventually had to go back and give it another go and its alot better. I hope it will work that way for you too. Its a miserable life being an alcoholic. Absolutely hellish. And being sober is fabulous and I hope you get that I really do. Cos you deserve it!

Anyhoo you know where I am if you change your mind.:)

dr.bollocko

Unregistered wrote: »

Im in Dublin Karen. People would be too much now I think. I look like an alien with the big grey head on me and black circles under my pinky eyes. I didnt get any numbers when I was there. I only went to 3 meetings ever. I was intimidated tbh.

Thanks for the link Curvy. I had a brief look, Ill read over it more tomorrow. I know my head will need as much work as my body. Im trying to occupy myself hee and had a shower. I had to keep stooping but I got the slick off for a while. I swear to God it feels like every pore on my body is open and poison is seeping out. Im disgusting still even though Im washed.

All your responses are really appreciated. I might be giving the next Beers a miss though

Ive taken Solphadine and smoked a few spliffs. I know its not helping the end objective, but my head feels a bit better. My body is the same but its not gotten any worse. Im just grateful for that. Im not as freaked about the pain - which has lessenned to some extent.

Keep with it man. You are doing really well.

LegacyUser

Thanks man. The 10pm carry out time has passed. I feel like Ive climbed a mountain or something just getting too this time. Im knackered but the thoughts of layin in bed with my head in this mess make me want to ...erm....drink...funnily enough.

Gonna build a rocket sized joint and try though. Ive called the ex. I dont really want the company, I just want to hold on to another body. Ill post again tomorrow.

Night lads and thanks again.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar situation to you OP. Went out on Thursday and as per usual drank way too much. Spent alot of money that I don't have, lost my phone(about the 4th time I've lost a phone this year) and I could possibly have lost my absolutely beautiful(inside and out) girlfriend. I'd top myself if I wasn't such a pussy. Had to *force* myself to stop drinking yesterday evening. It's hard but I'm somewhat hopeful that there's something more out there than getting ****ed up all the time.

Sorry just needed to vent.

dr.bollocko

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks man. The 10pm carry out time has passed. I feel like Ive climbed a mountain or something just getting too this time. Im knackered but the thoughts of layin in bed with my head in this mess make me want to ...erm....drink...funnily enough.

Gonna build a rocket sized joint and try though. Ive called the ex. I dont really want the company, I just want to hold on to another body. Ill post again tomorrow.

Night lads and thanks again.

Keep with it man. Empty the house of all possible booze right now while you are strong. Even that one drink you arent even sure is there that you might be holding for emergencies. Sleep as early as you can but be sure and be in some way comatose before you hit those sheets.

dr.bollocko

Hope you're still doing ok. Keep us posted.

LegacyUser

Still here and counting.

Well, had the night from hell but its out of the way for another 12 hours. The ex ended up not coming over. I cant let myself be seen like this. The shakes and sweats are still convulsing me to nearly uncontrollable levels and I still havent eaten, but the cramps are being held in check by the Solphadine and smoke. The head is still wreaked but the guilt of the hangover has abated somewhat and today Im going to be taking it ten mins at a time. Someone mentioned ten mins yesterday and Ive kinda taken that as a yardstick to measure time by. Every ten mins is a victory and I think thats achieveable without being too long drawn out.

I ended up reading most of that article at about 5am - thanks for that - Im on the verge of where he was. Im going to lose everything probably as its gotten to far now to stop and if I end up in rehab then I can kiss goodbye as theres no way I can afford to go through it and keep all the balls in the air that I have at the moment. Its not that I dont care, but if its losing the house or killing myself, then no contest. I have no idea how to proceed at this stage other than to not go to the offie. Im not well enough to leave the house but i started cleaning it this morning, just a few minuets at a time when Im fit so Ive set myself a few objectives for the day.

1) Dont go to the offie
2) Tidy around, yez need to see the state of the place
3) Get rid of the booze in the cupboards. I havent been able to do this yet which is annoying me because the first thing you always see in films and yer man in the article did was throw the booze away butI still cant bring myself to.
4) Shower
5) Eat something. I have no food or money in the house so Im going to have to leave that one till I figure something out. I have to pass the offie to get to the cashpoint and I dont think I can do it.

Ill be posting later no doubt but Im knackered again for some reason so Im going to try to sleep again. LAst night was so disjointed and when I did sleep, I had the maddest dreams ever that were horrific to say the least so it wasnt real sleep. I thought people were int eh house with me. In the room. I ended up asking them to show themselves because they scared me so much. It was like there was another world I couldnt see existing in the same space - I am aware how mad that sounds in the light of day. Its like theres someone or something in my head opening everything up. I cant articulate it properly.

Time to shower while Im feeling fit.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Ive taken Solphadine and smoked a few spliffs.

you should be in a medical setting for the first acute withdrawl period.smoking spliff and taking solpadien which is codeine is just adding to problems. a hospital setting could give drugs like librium or chlormethizole to calm you down and they would know the correct dosage. withdrawl can be very severe and the doctors would know better the medication response than a home made spliff and codeine mixture

once over the acute withdrawl then you could go to meetings

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I had the maddest dreams ever that were horrific to say the least so it wasnt real sleep. I thought people were int eh house with me. In the room. I ended up asking them to show themselves because they scared me so much. It was like there was another world I couldnt see existing in the same space - I am aware how mad that sounds in the light of day. Its like theres someone or something in my head opening everything up. I cant articulate it properly.

not mad it is hallicunation from alcohol withdrawl.

Nevyn

Bottle topper would you consider checking yourself into somewhere like John of Gods for a few days ?

http://www.sjog.ie/sjog/contact/index.html





By Telephone
++ 353 1 277 1500
By Fax
++ 353 1 283 1258
By eMail
communications@sjog.ie

Visit Us or Write
Communications Office,
St. John of God Hospitaller Services,
Provincial Administration,
Stillorgan,
Co. Dublin, Ireland

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Bottle topper would you consider checking yourself into somewhere like John of Gods for a few days ?

i am the unregistered that suggested medical help and agree with this. alcohol withdrawl can be very severe and the shakes can easily be come convulsions. you would be much safer than self treating with codeine another drug which is addictive.

Trinity

How are you feeling now OP. I hope you went to the doctor. i know you dont want pity but I have to say your post is very sad really. Not sad in the new sense that the word is used but just sad in this day and age when drinking is more accepted than being a tee totaller. People look at you like you are a weirdo when you say you dont drink.

I was nowhere near half as bad as you in fact i had very limited withdrawals, shakes, anxiety etc and i didnt drink as much but it was every night, just a few bottles. Starts off as one or 2 couple of nights a week then its 3 or 4 every night and just keep needing more and more as it has less and less affect on you so you need the extra one. Even my doctor said its not a huge amount but when its increasing with every week you are walking a fine line and it can be a hard habit to break.

So I know the craving and wanting. For example.

Last saturday night i decided to stop. I never drink during the day and wait until the kids are in bed, this is how i can justify drinking but this night i had no way of getting out for one when i changed my mind and decided to have a drink after all. No one to watch the kids and none in the fridge.

My baby was asleep in his playpen, it was cold and dark outside and raining i think. I rang dial a can, dont deliver anymore. I ordered a chinese thinking the delivery guys would get me some beers they normally do. Too busy, couldnt get it. Ended up with food here i didnt want. I ended up sobbing and nearly shaking on the couch in a panic for a drink and debating whether to wake my baby up out of his sleep and dress the older lad (8) and bring them out in the cold and dark to get some beer.

Even contemplating the idea of doing that to my kids disgusted me and i told myself if i did that to them i was the worst mother in the world and nothing more than a scum bag. Different i guess if it was baby milk i needed to go and get. But once 10pm came and i knew the offo was closed a complete calm came over me.

Next day I bought some cos i didnt wanna go through that again and i ended up not even having any. I lasted 3 days. Basically like anything i guess its one day at a time. Sorry for ranting off i am not trying to compare my situation to yours by any means, just trying to say i suppose, that you are not alone in this and lots of people can empathise even a little of what you are going through.

daisybelle2008

OP, alcohol withdrawal can be so severe physically that medical supervision is required. Other posters mentioned Librium, which would be administered in a medically supervised withdrawal, that is infinitely preferable to Solpedeine and Spliffs. On the emotional side which is essential, I realise AA was intimidating but it really is the best support in this case. Please reconsider going to meetings and getting numbers from other members. They really are fantastic as they truly understand what you are going through. Sometimes you can talk to an older member one-on-one after the meetings if you are shy, they tend to be generous with their time. PM me if you want to chat.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Other posters mentioned Librium, which would be administered in a medically supervised withdrawal,

I mentioned librium and yes daisybelle in a supervised situation. I hope the OP gets some supervised care and treatment

estar

i think you should seek medical advice. make this your rock bottom. if so, and you hold on and use this as why you never drink again, then its all up from here.

alcohol withdrawl can be dangerous when not overseen medically. there is no shame in the truth of owning up to addiction, just reality. confide in your family. see at least a GP. perhaps go to emergency if you really start to feel bad.

best of luck.

She Devil

Hey OP, i can't offer any advice, but would just like to say, you are very brave! Well done, Stay at it! This pain will be worth it, you'll see!

Karen_*

Do give someone a call OP. What you're trying to do seems very white knuckle to me and you need to get some help. Its up to you what sort of help but its very difficult if not impossible to give up drink all by yourself.

The number for AA is 8420700. That's for the general service office and they are brilliant for giving advice re rehab, meetings or even just being someone to talk to. And its always an alcoholic at the end of the phone so they know exactly what you're going through. As someone said there should be no shame in addiction. It IS an illness although there's a stigma. Personally I just came to think that since I didn't mind everyone seeing me out of my mind drunk then why mind that people could see I wanted to change my life and get the help I needed. So please consider enlisting your friends and family to help you. They'll only be too delighted to see light at the end of the tunnell for you. And there really is life at the end of the tunnell. You can come to realise that there really is nothing to give up but misery. Try 90 days away from drink and if you life is not better then we'll refund you your misery. I'm at day 100 today and I've never looked back.

LegacyUser

Im losing my mind. Im really really losing my mind. Im in work and theres nothing I can think of except drinking. I woke up after nightmares in a huge rage last night and just barely stopped myself from trashing the room. Im so tired I just want to lay my head down on the desk and sleep.I tossed and turned all night long inbetween nightmares and sweats and rages and fear.
But Ive decided I’m not going to lose the house and I’m not going to lose my job and as you said Karen, yes it is white knuckle but its what has to happen till I figure out what to do. I’m out of the house and going to to meeting this evening. I was too sick to update yesterday but I’m totally sober today – no spiffs’ and no Solpadine’s.

Thank you for all the help and I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. I come back in here just to read and have contact with other Boardies. Im going to go to a meeting today and to the doctor this evening. Even if she just gives me something for my nerves Ill be able to sleep and at least feel rested. I’m making plans and trying to find my way out of here. I know I can do it I just don’t know how. I’m afraid my head will hurt too much if I have nothing to wipe it.

FingersCrossed

Hey there.

Your at work?! You must be made of truly strong stuff. You are on day 3, the worst of the withdrawal is over, these will be the hardest days and you have done them. Get to day 4. Try your very hardest.


I went through all this too. Several times unfortunately. The thing is it gets worse. If you slip up this time, the next time will be harder again (I have faith in you, but just a FYI). You have achieved a tremendous amount over the last 3 days. You feel like sh*t, you will feel like sh*t for another 2 days (but not as bad), then the worst of the physical withdrawel has passed.

The dreams carried on with me for about 2 weeks pretty bad and gradually ease off. Its your brain clearing out the crap.

As for your head hurting, it is never going to hurt as much as it did when you decided to stop. You are powerless over alcohol, it hurts you, it is trying to kill you. When this is gone from your life you will be able to cope.

Get to the meeting, go with Karen.

Try www.sober24.com for practical advice and to chat with others going through the exact same as you.

Be very proud of your acheivment and good luck. x

Looby_Loo

Fair play to you for taking the step to take some control back over your life. I hope you get good help and support from the doctor later. I agree with some of the previous posters though, try steer well clear of the smoking and solpadeine, the last thing to do when you achieve this much is replace one addiction for another. Take care.

Sinall

Well done for coming so far OP, hang in there. A friend of mine went through a similar thing - he described it in a very similar way to you - and he has now been sober for 6 years.

Sometimes he said it felt like he was floating above his bed and he felt completely disconnected with his body. You are showing a real strength of character by admitting that you have a problem and doing something about it. Good luck.

Darragh29

Unregistered wrote: »

I was too sick to update yesterday but I’m totally sober today – no spiffs’ and no Solpadine’s.

Thank you for all the help and I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. I come back in here just to read and have contact with other Boardies. Im going to go to a meeting today and to the doctor this evening. Even if she just gives me something for my nerves Ill be able to sleep and at least feel rested.

Just an outside perspective here OP, the above post is a huge degree of progress from your first post here. If your last post above is anything to go by, you've ridden out of worst of the storm. I remember being on benders that went on for 1-2 weeks a few years ago and I remember the horrible feeling of paranoia that came on the first night of not drinking. But after a week, I felt that the symptoms I suffered that were directly related to alcohol consumption, faded away and I regained a clearer persective.

Here's a bit of advice... Do you have a dog??? I got a dog a few years ago and the great thing about them is that they get you out of the house and out in the open, giving you time to think and get yourself back on track. Just an idea...

LegacyUser

Hi all

Thanks for the replies. Nice to read that some people are even more insane than me. Darragh....seriously...who would inflict that on a doggy - having me as a master. Id have him turned into my drinking buddy in no time flat

But his name will be Buster and he will eat cats for breakfast he will be that tough.:)


Im in the house with the doc calling everyday. I go to work in the morning and take a taxi home. Im not in a position where I can not go to work, but Im better today than yesterday in some ways. In other ways its no better but I dont know what to expect. I want to be normal and perfect and not addicted but thats not going to roll around for a while apparently. Im learning lots over the last few days. Ive been in the chat link that someone gave me. Im sorry if I dont remember name, Im still very fuzzy and the tablets arent helping me focus, just to feel less sick and relax me a bit. My stomach is in ribbons from allt he drink and puking and thats the most painful bit.

The nightmares arent as bad with the meds and the feeling that entities are following me are not as strong. Ive not managed a full nights sleep rather dozes here and there with no particular pattern. 12 hours dead to the world with few mares or 2 hours crammed with the nastiest visions and feelings I ever seen or had. I quake everytime I close my eyes because I dont know what Im in for.

Time distortion is a problem due to tiredness and desperation but (this sounds awful) its kind of entertaining guessing the time and whether or not Ive conked for 12 or 2 hours. Yesterday went on foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr but todays afternoon flew by as I was absorbed in work. I can deal with that crazy though.

Ive listed everything down to basics and goals over the next week. I have lists for everyday and little objectives. Everything that everyone else takes for granted like having a shower wen I get out of bed and spending time on my grooming so I feel good at work. Showering when I come home and putting on "home clothes" when I come home and doing it immediatly when I come in the door so that there is no dithering and indecision as Ill float up to the offie without even knowing it. Calling the same person at the same time - once at 7 when I get in and once at 10.30pm when the offie is closed. I suppose Im just building structures at the moment. I havent gone to a meeting yet. I cant face walking along a street with people around yet. Im going to try to go on Saturday. Im not going to force the issue with myself (you WOULD NOT BELIEVE the ammount I talk to myself this last few days!) Ill think about it a bit more over the coming days.
Ok, Im off to make scrambeled eggs, thats how exciting my life is at the mo. THis is more a blog for myself nearly at this stage - I read over the whole thing and apart from being given warm fuzzies by the responses, I remember exactly how I felt when I first posted and comparing that to tonight is a great feeling. I know its only been a couple of days but its been such a battle to even get here Im gold staring and high fiving myself here

Thanks all again. Normally I disagree and fight with you all on the forums!!!!

estar

well done on being so strong

April Raine

Unregistered wrote: »

Im in the house with the doc calling everyday.

It is good you got some medical help, fair play for going to work

The nightmares arent as bad with the meds and the feeling that entities are following me are not as strong.

I f you do not mind saying what are the meds, just curious. Keep well and keep going you done great and you are incredibly brave

FingersCrossed

Unregistered wrote: »

I know its only been a couple of days but its been such a battle to even get here Im gold staring and high fiving myself here

Thanks all again. Normally I disagree and fight with you all on the forums!!!!

I'm high fiving you too, I know how hard it has been for you! WELL DONE! The weird thing is IT GETS EVEN BETTER. Go YOU!! (Cheerleaders are doing a routine for you now in my head) (I may be sober now, but sane? I dunno...:o)

Seriously, everyday now is going to be easier for you. I know its all raw right now, but never forget how bad you felt, you will need this as a firm memory to keep you sober. It is amazing how drink can fool you into thinking it wasn't so bad. I know I talk about drink like its another being/person/monster but it works for me to think of it like that. It might be just a bottle/can/shoe of liquid but it damages ME.

Brilliant you have your GP on side. I found mine great, once I started to tell her the truth that is. It took me about a month before I trusted myself to go anywhere with alcohol around, I got people to collect shopping for me, avoided areas with offies, cross the road to pass pubs.. etc etc. I fell too many times by getting sober a few weeks and then going for a coffee with a (unaware) friend, that glass of wine would just be in my hand in seconds, no idea how. Then I would drink for another while, each time getting worse/drinking more until I would dry out again (harder than the last hellish time). So it took me awhile to cop on to the fact that I had to mind myself, I was/am too fragile to do these "normal" things. I just can't go to pubs, not yet - if ever. I try to wrap myself in a mental duvet, minding myself from the knocks everyone deals with everyday, but which would make me justify having just that one drink. Its b*llocks, I know now if I have one I will die from it, as I won't stop.

I appear to be blogging on your blog... sorry. I mentioned sober24, it can be great to just be with like minded people, the recovery tools are great too, sometimes a little "American" but f*ck it, if it works eh? Boardsies were fantastic to me, but I drank again after a much discussed drying out, and felt too guilty to come back here and admit I had failed, now that I'm sober I can see those helpful boardsies would have just felt bad for me, not the disgust I felt at myself. Onwards and upwards, it can only get better. (Must stop talking to Americans in therapy...)

PM me if you want.

And your doing brilliant, really. Please keep us updated if you can.

Karen_*

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all

Thanks for the replies. Nice to read that some people are even more insane than me.

When you get away from drink you realise that you weren't insane at all. I thought I was the biggest basket case loon ever and that there was no one like me. I'm suprisingly normal actually without drink in my life and there's loads of people like me.

I think you're doing fantastic. Such a big step to take and you've been through the mill this last while. What you're doing is not easy so you deserve your high five. You have the whole rest of your life to look forward to and you'll find you get better and better at coping with lifes knocks. The rewards of what you're doing come almost instantly. For me everything I did when I got sober was like I was doing it for the first time and had never been in the world before. I get way more pleasure than most people from shopping or from driving a car, little things. I live in a different world now. I wholeheartedly wish the same for you and you can do it.

FingersCrossed

Karen_* wrote: »

For me everything I did when I got sober was like I was doing it for the first time and had never been in the world before. I get way more pleasure than most people from shopping or from driving a car, little things. I live in a different world now. I wholeheartedly wish the same for you and you can do it.

The little things are fab. Everything is an achievement now. There is satisfaction in just about everything. This is the best thing ever and you have overcome the hardest part already, its all ahead of you. Be excited.

(Oh and sober sex?! My goodness....:P)

Trinity

Karen_* wrote: »

When you get away from drink you realise that you weren't insane at all. I thought I was the biggest basket case loon ever and that there was no one like me. I'm suprisingly normal actually without drink in my life and there's loads of people like me.

I think you're doing fantastic. Such a big step to take and you've been through the mill this last while. What you're doing is not easy so you deserve your high five. You have the whole rest of your life to look forward to and you'll find you get better and better at coping with lifes knocks. The rewards of what you're doing come almost instantly. For me everything I did when I got sober was like I was doing it for the first time and had never been in the world before. I get way more pleasure than most people from shopping or from driving a car, little things. I live in a different world now. I wholeheartedly wish the same for you and you can do it.

Its like meeting yourself for the first time

OP you're doing great. DOnt have much along the way of advice like the other guys here but do keep us posted. You have plenty of support on here and offers from the guys to attend a meeting with you. DOnt be afraid to take them up on the offer.

A problem shared is a problem halved.

Tootsie

Hi OP,I checked in a few times today to see if you posted,but you didn't,not since last night. Is everything ok? You are doing great.
How was Day 6?

LegacyUser

Howdy folks.

First of all, thanks for the high fives and good wishes. Very nice of you guys.

I thought Id check in and just give a quick update on how things are going. The last few days have been pretty crazy, much the same as the last week, but I cant believe Im sitting here on a Friday night (especially given what I was at last Friday night) totally sober and eating a meal by myself.

I think my last up update was Wednesday. I was and still am, not fully copis mentis but Im getting there. I didnt get a chance to get in here for two days as work was crazy and I was totally drained when I came home so it was straight to shower and bed. Ive been really tired due to the dreams waking me in full sweats still but I am getting sleep and the physcial pain isint as intense. I dont look any better I dont think, but I havent looked at my face in so long, Im not sure how it would/should change.

So the last week has been a bit of a blur, Im using this as a sort of yardstick for myself but will be transferring to a blog other than here after this. I dont want to clutter up the boards any more. (And databases are bad enough as it is )

I was coming home tonight and as I havent really told anyone whats going on, I got the ususal "Come for a pint" calls and I still cant believe I made it home. I had to think of all I done last Friday - the last night I drank - and the feelings of Saturday with teh chemical and alcohol come doen. I cant go there agin. I nearly lost my reason and have just given up trying to control it myself with promises of one more night. That one night came and went. Im proud just to be sitting in here not coked, smoked, pilled and drunk of my mind. Im scared and lonely and a bit depressed that I have to go through this, but the Piper has to be paid and boy does he want interest.

But I have to say, over all, its not too bad compared to the start of the week. Im still on the valium and librium and the doc is still calling up and she brough a nutritionist with her to day to help me start eating to feed my bosy properly again and get my immune system back up and running. She has been amazing! Shes so kind and helpful, its been a real help and soother. She knows Im still scared of the outside world , for the time being, so a counsellor is coming to the house tomorrow and we are going to start working on what needs to be worked on. It all seems to be moving at a very fast pace so I might have to slow it down but she said we move as fast as I can/want/need and adjust as we go.

So thats it for now. Things are moving and I like that they are and Im fully committed to seeing me through this. Its nearly like a new me is coming out to take care of the ols me because the old me is tried and needs to be led for a while. I knwo that sounds dual personality but it really does feel like that. It was the new me who told the old me to go home this evening and remember the nice dinner I had left in the fridge for myself as a treat?Didnt I want to go home and eat that instead od spending money I dont have and making myself sick again? Homestly, I talked to myself in my head all the way home. THat counsellor is in for some land! )))

Ill update over the coming weeks intermittently - maybe at the month mark, if I make it that far and then maybe the next month, we'll see how it goes. Most likely Ill be posting around Christmas as well as no doubt Ill be feeling the pressure then. For now, thank you all again for all te advice and goodwill - karma does travel, this I have learned. So Im sending all the karma back....

.....catch!!!!!

xxxxxxx

Trinity

Well done, thats it really just well done

Tootsie

High five & well done remember above the clouds the sun is always shining

LegacyUser

Ive just posted in TLL a thank you to all Boardies who helped me through the thread here. Its 2 years on and Im sober over a year from all substances and havent drank since this thread. I just thought (at the peirl at getting a lamping from B for zomifying a thread over 2 years old!) an update might be cool for all those who posted in this thread.

SO A HUGE THANK YOU TO ALL! I didnt mention everyone in the TLL post, but I did want to come back on here and thank you all.

So, basically, havent touched a drop of gargle since and gave up weed a year ago - this is the time I count as fully sober. Ive been promoted, redecorated my house (a few of the decoration choices now that I look around as I type, might as well have been chosen while I was wasted! I not the next Martha Stuart, thats for sure!), run a few 10ks, I do yoga and just learned to live with myself in a way that Im kind to myself and take care of me. Its been at some points, an incredibly hard battle and not reaching for oblivion has nearly had me distracted at times, but I get through it because Ill never go through that again and I never want to feel those "ghosts" watching me in the night again. That was scary...I nearly lost my **** that night!


So, once again, thank you all. This is an amazing forum for advice and compassion. Id nearly compare my experience here to calling teh Samaratins but getting a whole crew of them on the phone!


Now Im off to fight with you all in another forum!


BT