Find it hard to converse

LegacyUser

I have always found it hard to make small talk with people. However i learned to rehearse what i am going to say. This works. However i now find that i never have an original or spontaneous conversation. Everything is planned. I can have a conversation with someone and then have the almost the exact same same conversation with someone else Also all the time i find that i try to put on a show so that people like me and sometimes i avoid people fot this reason.

Marksie

You may find that a preplanned series of topics is a good starting point in any event.

But listen to what they are saying, if you have any commonality talk about that. Ask the person questions and let them answer and then talk about what they say.
Small talk is hard, i do at times find it so myself, but it just takes practice and awareness

Cianos

People always like talking about themselves, so just ask them a bunch of questions and then further questions about the answers they give.

this is bad;
So what do you do?
I do blah blah.
Where do you live?
I live blah.
Ugh...what kind of music do you like?

this is good;
So what do you do?
I do blah blah
Ah cool, what's that like?
It's blah blah blah
Right, it must be interesting to be able to blah blah?
Yeah this is one of the best parts of being blah

etc etc

With a bit of probing you'll usually find something in common, or something that you'd have a stronger opinion on that can continue the conversation in a more interesting way.

If stuck, ask them to pull your finger*






*You may want to ignore the last bit

Cianos

Cianos wrote: »

If stuck, ask them to pull your finger*






*You may want to ignore the last bit

:D

SarahSassy

Its more common than you realise and the following may help:

1. Never compare yourself to other people - there will always be someone, somewhere who can do something better than you can, but there will also always be someone who can't do it as well. As we nearly always tend to compare ourselves to those we think are better, all this does is make us feel less able.

2. Research shows that people make up their minds about a person within the first 90 seconds, so remember to walk tall, smile and maintain eye contact - all of which gives the impression of a confident person. Don't worry about what you are going to say, if you ask open questions that begin with what, where, how, why and when, you can get other people talking about themselves and they will think you are a wonderful listener!

3. Remember the 80/20 rule, and drop being a perfectionist. Perfectionists drain their own confidence, as they're never able to live up to the unrealistic standards they set themselves. Remember, if you can achieve 80% of what you want then you can congratulate yourself on being a big success; 80% is a high standard, but it is achievable and it takes into account that nobody is perfect.

4. Take time out for yourself - if you do not value yourself, why should other people? Balance out the three areas of your life - work, rest and play. Make sure you make time to pamper yourself - even a soak in the bath for half an hour will help lower stress levels. Stress drains confidence; so the more you look after yourself the more confident you will feel.

5. If you look your best you will feel your best, so splash out on a new dress/ shirt for a big occasion. Make sure your personal care routine is up to scratch, too. Brush your teeth regularly and use a good quality mouthwash – then make the most of your shining smile. It's amazing how those little touches ensure you have a few less things to worry about.

Firetrap

Marksie wrote: »

You may find that a preplanned series of topics is a good starting point in any event.

But listen to what they are saying, if you have any commonality talk about that. Ask the person questions and let them answer and then talk about what they say.
Small talk is hard, i do at times find it so myself, but it just takes practice and awareness

Yeah, I agree. I find small talk tough at times but I find that if I can find out what makes a person tick, I'm away on a hack. It takes a bit of practice to find out what they're interested in but once you do, they'll start talking.

I find too that if I'm stuck, I'll throw in something unusual(ish) that I've done and that can be enough to get the conversation going. Do you have any hobbies? Something a bit out of the ordinary happened in your life recently? Any pets that do funny things? I know these sound like frivolous things but they can work.