Help me understand him

dontwant2say

Hi,

Ive seen there are a few threads discussing the whole "not interested in sex anymore" thing but I think mine is a little bit different.

I have been with my boyfriend 3 years. I love every bit of him and I know he loves me too. The problem I have, and its been there since the start, is the huge difference in our sex drives. He just doesnt seem interested in sex. Ive said it to him a number of times. Its brought me to tears on more than one occassion. I would be happy with doing it even once a week but there have been times we went 4/5/6 weeks without anything. I think, with the lack of wanting from him, its made me look like some randy, horny freak. The most hurtful thing of all is that when I ask him and he says no, I feel so horrible and so rejected and, worst of all, so embarrassed. Sometimes, we can go a whole day without even so much as kissing or hugging. He would never come near me for a snog and anytime Ive asked him for a kiss I get a peck on the lips. Its frustrating cos I would just love a good auld snog! Sometimes I think were going along in our relationship without discussing the obvious flaw but he is so hard to talk to about these kinds of things cos he thinks its an attack on him. The last time we properly discussed it we decided we both needed to buck up on a few issues and change for the better and one of those issues for him was not immediately rejecting sex when it came up. I think it went good for about 2 weeks and it then went back to the way it was.
We are now going into our 4th week of no sex and as I'm typing this I'm crying because its upsetting me so much. As I already said, he's so very hard to talk to about this cos he thinks (as far as I know) that its some personal attack on him or else he thinks that I'm just always looking for sex and I need to back off.
I just dont know what to do. Splitting up isnt the way to go, I know that much, because leaving this aside, we have a fantastic relationship, plus there are children involved.

I just need some advice on WTF to do!
Please help.

MagicMarker

I don't really know what to tell you to be honest.

Have you thought about counseling or some kind of 'sexual therapy'?

It's bad enough that he can go for over a month without sex, which i think is more than just a lack of sex drive, but what's worse imo is that there seems to be no affection there. I know you say splitting up isn't the way to go, but right now you have really think about this. Are you willing to sacrifice something which you obviously want? Are you prepared to have sex just 12 times a year?

And also, something which you may also want to think about, are you sure he feels the same for you as you do for him? Or does he love you in a ''you're the mother of my children'' kind of way? Right now, it seems like you're friends more so than anything else.

Mr. Presentable

Get him help. Without wishing to be crude, young men should be like rutting goats - or was that just me? Seriously, if we accept there is available sex and he's not interested, he needs help.

LegacyUser

Okay, speaking from experience, I would say that these might be the issues:

1. He could be worried about getting it up/ keeping it up .

2. Some people are very comfortable around sex....... others have been brought up to think that it's dirty or sinful or something that is not a normal function. Believe me, that's the way I was brought up and it has caused me no end of hassle and problems. Sex was never a fun thing it was always a worry and "oh God, pregnancy, STDs..... ". The only sex talk I got from my folks was that condoms don't always protect against HIV! Thanks guys.

3. If it's kissing or affection that's the problem then maybe he's scared of initiating sex with you as he can't/won't have full sex and doesn't want to get you excited.

4. Maybe he's just a bit scared - I never enjoyed sex til a few years back and I'm in my mid 30s.... it was a matter of being comfortable with whoever I was with. One night stands rarely did it for me but when seeing girls and talking through some issues with them then I got more pleasure out of it, without feeling under pressure.

5. Does he masturbate a lot? Is he getting off on porn? Again, he might be very interested in sex but (like me at times) using porn as a tool and using fantasy rather than reality.

He's living in denial at the moment and has to take responsibility.

The reason he won't talk about it is because he's mortified I would imagine - he's embarrassed and ashamed (I'm guessing)..... He doesn't know how to broach the subject and he's avoiding tackling the situation head on. And by burying his head in the sand he's putting the onus on you to bring it up and therefore it probably does feel to him like he's being attacked (although bringing it upon himself).

So what to do....

He really has to see that there is a problem for himself - I did and took myself off to a therapist.

If you are going to broach the subject then I suggest starting with "I love you so much and I want us to be together. I love having sex with you and I've missed it over the last few weeks" and see what he says. Try not to Make him feel that you not going to walk on him because of it.

Can I ask if the kids are his?

Just on the kissing thing: when you started seeing each other, was he into kissing you then?

Wibbs

nipplenuts wrote: »

Get him help. Without wishing to be crude, young men should be like rutting goats - or was that just me? Seriously, if we accept there is available sex and he's not interested, he needs help.

Common misconception. With women mates of mine the lack of sex down the line in a relationship is just as common as with the guys complaining. I'd nearly say moreso. I think bleebub has a lot of good points.

dontwant2say

Now that you mention it, once when we were drunk, we had a discussion about it and he did say to me that he is afraid that he wont last long or will come too soon.

as far as I know, he doesnt masturbate much. I know he looks at porn at least 3 times a week on the net. Today I got so annoyed that I seriously thought about leaving, at least to show him that I am serious. He's not completely devoid of affection. He does hold my hand, rub my back and stuff but it is ALWAYS me that initiates it. He's had lots of partners in the past, lots of one night stands but just, IMO, he seems to not be interested in any with me.

we did kiss at the start I think but we only ever have proper snogs
(tongues) in sex.

I'm so confused.

bleebub wrote: »

Okay, speaking from experience, I would say that these might be the issues:

1. He could be worried about getting it up/ keeping it up .

2. Some people are very comfortable around sex....... others have been brought up to think that it's dirty or sinful or something that is not a normal function. Believe me, that's the way I was brought up and it has caused me no end of hassle and problems. Sex was never a fun thing it was always a worry and "oh God, pregnancy, STDs..... ". The only sex talk I got from my folks was that condoms don't always protect against HIV! Thanks guys.

3. If it's kissing or affection that's the problem then maybe he's scared of initiating sex with you as he can't/won't have full sex and doesn't want to get you excited.

4. Maybe he's just a bit scared - I never enjoyed sex til a few years back and I'm in my mid 30s.... it was a matter of being comfortable with whoever I was with. One night stands rarely did it for me but when seeing girls and talking through some issues with them then I got more pleasure out of it, without feeling under pressure.

5. Does he masturbate a lot? Is he getting off on porn? Again, he might be very interested in sex but (like me at times) using porn as a tool and using fantasy rather than reality.

He's living in denial at the moment and has to take responsibility.

The reason he won't talk about it is because he's mortified I would imagine - he's embarrassed and ashamed (I'm guessing)..... He doesn't know how to broach the subject and he's avoiding tackling the situation head on. And by burying his head in the sand he's putting the onus on you to bring it up and therefore it probably does feel to him like he's being attacked (although bringing it upon himself).

So what to do....

He really has to see that there is a problem for himself - I did and took myself off to a therapist.

If you are going to broach the subject then I suggest starting with "I love you so much and I want us to be together. I love having sex with you and I've missed it over the last few weeks" and see what he says. Try not to Make him feel that you not going to walk on him because of it.

Can I ask if the kids are his?

Just on the kissing thing: when you started seeing each other, was he into kissing you then?

Teacherman

Your request for sex once a week at least is reasonable. I would suggest talking about it with him. If its a problem with maintaing an erection he should consult a doctor. He could have an underlying medical issue such as heart disease that could ultimately kill him. I think you would want to be strong and insist he goes. This situation can't continue. Might I be bold and suggest you be a bit more adventurous in your approach sex wise. I don't think you need to be a rocket scientist to know the types of things men like (BJs for example). Im not saying you are not adventurous but everyone's sex life falls into a rut from time to time!

There is a great book THE NEW MALE SEXUALITY. Cant think of the author

I would also like to add that women reach sexual peak at 30-men at 19. Its the thrill of the chase that gets men going.New flesh. Keeping it alive in a long term relationship is tough but not impossible.

Danimalito

dontwant2say wrote: »

Now that you mention it, once when we were drunk, we had a discussion about it and he did say to me that he is afraid that he wont last long or will come too soon.

as far as I know, he doesnt masturbate much. I know he looks at porn at least 3 times a week on the net. Today I got so annoyed that I seriously thought about leaving, at least to show him that I am serious. He's not completely devoid of affection. He does hold my hand, rub my back and stuff but it is ALWAYS me that initiates it. He's had lots of partners in the past, lots of one night stands but just, IMO, he seems to not be interested in any with me.

we did kiss at the start I think but we only ever have proper snogs
(tongues) in sex.

I'm so confused.

I hate to bring this up, but have you ever considered that he may just be very interested in women? Most of this sounds eerily similar to the dad of my ex, he was married to her for 15 years, he had a child with her and everything. Now he's living with some other fella.

I'm just saying, cause the mum of my ex was kinda drunk one night, and was telling me more or less the same things that you posted here.

dontwant2say

I know hes not gay. Trust me. we have 2 kids together. Its something else. I just want to know what.

She Devil

I know this is going to sound far fetched, but have you tried changing his diet. Introduce healthier foods and get rid of fatty foods, i know when my fella is eating healthier and after we go for walks etc he more horny than when we sit in watching tv etc!!

He probably does masturbate when he watches porn, this is probably where his lack of sex comes from. Why don't you suggest watching a porn together?

LegacyUser

Get professional help. For both.

You are ok... but need to go trough together. Will help you soo too.

LegacyUser

If he's looking at porn then he's interested in sex.

If he's watching porn then he's getting off by ****. That does two things.

firstly, he could be living in a fantasy world of fantasy sex which is unrealistic - he's gettin off on lesbians or 19 year olds or whatever..... it's not reality of touch of skin, smells, feel and the act itself.

Secondly, by getting off on porn, he is reducing his need to have sex with you. He's sorting himself out with his hands and eyes.

Simple as - I'm going to be totally honest here. I haven't looked at porn in 5 days and am now looking at women in a completely different way - I'm finding the less I look at porn, the hornier I get for normal (non porn looking) women. I'm thinking of old flings and flames who I'd love to hook up with again and not 19 year old blondes in a 3some.

If you didn't snog - like totally snog at the start then, to be honest, I think that maybe he's just not that into it. Regardless of my lack of confidence at intercourse, I could kiss the girl I fancy til the next morning..... .I'd be getting her off as much as I could and I love doing that.

In fact, regardless of my inability to get it up at times, I have always been concerned about the girl I'm with and will make sure that she's having a good time, which in turn makes me have a good time.

Maybe he's just a bit afraid and he can't let himself go and be in the moment and enjoy it for the simple pleasure of what it is - and therefore can't understand you and your needs..... he needs to talk to someone about it..

I'd suggest the MRCS off Fitzwilliam Sq in Dublin.... honest straight talking problem solving counselling.

Pol Pot

assuming he is not an early 20's guy who get a horn at the swish of a skirt - the 3 times a week watching porn is probably satisfying him enough , "his" tank is prob empty tbh.

You could ban the porn (prob unreasonable) or join in with him but tbh he may view his porn time as his "quiet time" and may not welcome the company.

He could be depressed and gone off sex

You need to talk to him and maybe it may come to you leaving him cos your life sounds like no way to live.

LegacyUser

dontwant2say wrote: »

I know hes not gay. Trust me. we have 2 kids together. Its something else. I just want to know what.

It is very hard for you, dontwant2say. Your self esteem and confidence is taking a big knocking here. (((((Hugs)))))).
I have no idea but here are some questions I have that may be relevant or not!
On an emotional level is everything good?. You say you had a chat about bucking up ideas? Are there other unresolved issues that could be affecting his sex drive? You have had 2 children in 3 years together, were these both planned or could he possibly feel things went to fast for him and resents it in some way. You say he looks at porn 3 times a week, it is likely he is masturbating after viewing this and could be getting his sexual needs satisfied this way (which is not a good thing when he has a real life girlfriend!). I hope you find the answers and really he should be helping you understand what is going on here.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, the exact same thing is happening in my relationship. I am with a lovely amazing man in his mid-thirties and we really love each other but he never wants to have sex. We probably do it about 3/4 times a year. He is not having an affair, he is not gay, he said he is attracted to me and I believe him etc. etc.

This is a constant source of tension and for me there is constant frustration. He has attended counselling (unfortunately stopped due to changing jobs)as he really wants to find out what the problem is - he knows he could be in danger of losing me so wants to find out why this is happening and how we can resolve it. I am currently in the process of organising an appointment for couple counselling although he is a bit morto about doing it!

What I am trying to say is this: I completely understand what you are going through, it is far more common than you think! The perception of all men being horn dogs is neither true nor fair and I also sympathise with you when you say that leaving him is not an option. If your relationship is working in every other way then would you also consider couples counselling? My man totally owns up to there being a problem and wants to sort it out which is half the battle so if your man has too then you're onto a winner. Mine also masturbates BTW, says it's more like scratching an itch which I totally understand because to me that's what masturbation has always been too.

OP remember - you are not alone by any means!!! It is easy for outsiders who don't know your relationship to say leave him but only you know what's best.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

You have had 2 children in 3 years together, were these both planned or could he possibly feel things went to fast for him and resents it in some way.

This sounds very likely to me. Maybe not resentment as such, but a deep fear of you getting pregnant again. Maybe he is not even aware of it himself. Do ye have financial worries or other stresses, on top of the kids? Did ye have a lot of sleepless nights and are ye getting enough sleep now?