Lack of Sex In Long Term Relationship

LegacyUser

Ok, so I've been with my girlfriend for over 3 years, and I think that everything has been going ok. So well in fact that after I finished college I moved into her house and we have been living together now for about 6 months. The problem is that there is a lack of sex, a distinct lack in fact, and that we hardly ever...erm....do it

Before I moved into the house it was a thrill to see her after a hard week at college and "unwind" so to speak, so there was always a sexual tension there that added to the thrill, but even though this is gone and we are now together every day in the same house I would have taught there would still be some sex....but no, its been gradually declining, to the point now that its been a month and nothing...

She shakes off my suggestions or my advances and when I suggested we visit La Senza or somewhere similar recently so I could buy her a present she seemed really uninterested. Recently even kissing has gone down to a minimum and we don't do that as much as we used to.

Please help, because I love her, but I don't think its unfair to complain when we haven't slept together in a month.

Bottle_of_Smoke

You'll have to talk to her. Ask her why she's no longer interested in it. Tell her it's very important to you for sex to be part of a relationship.

Time out

Yeah talk to her, maybe she is missing emotional closeness and the sexual thing is linked to that in women (I think!)

Aseth

OP: maybe she's just tired? Has too much work to do in college?
Also she may not feel the 'pressure' to get intimate, as before you knew you will only meet once in a week - now you're together every day and she might have settled down.
If she's tired try helping her relax: a bath, a massage or a dinner in a restaurant may help. If that doesn't work simply ask her about it.

cowzerp

There's no challenge there anymore, you need to give each other space and make her feel like she has to try with you, get a hobby and let her realise that she is not your life, then i can see things picking up unless there is more to it, as in she is having an affair or just wants rid of you!

SarahSassy

People lead such busy lives that if you leave sex to happen by chance and when you're both in the mood, you could quickly end up leaving it out of your life all together. Retain its importance by booking a slot in your schedule. And even if you can only find a spare half hour, divide that time into, say, giving each other a massage, foreplay and then the fullblown sex so that the experience remains a shared and intimate one.

Now that your sexual relationship has started to flag, take a step back and rewind to what got you going in the first place. Go out for the evening as part of the foreplay, and wend your way back to the bedroom. Or spend an entire Sunday afternoon getting back in touch with each other. Be sure to set the mood and be clear from the start how the two of you will be spending this time together.

kingofthecastle

its like this mate, you're not getting any despite your best efforts. the truth could be that she's gettin it elsewhere and started seeing someone else. i'm not saying this to be cruel but its a real possibility and women are better at concealing it when they're playing away than men

have it out with her and ask whats going on, its not as if you're the one being unreasonable here. Suggest taking a break from each other and see how she reacts, that should tell a lot. After that if things dont improve, get out! Too many blokes stuck in sexless marriages or relationships.

LegacyUser

Op I'm a similar situation. Been with my GF for 6 years and at this point I think she only has sex to placate me. Its getting to the stage where I'm blue in the face talking about it and am seriously considering calling it a day.

Its not easy but you need to make a decision.

LegacyUser

I dont think she is cheating on you, she is probably just feeling a bit pressurised. Girls can lose their "mojo" for all sorts of reasons. Has she started a different pill, is she having any extra stress at work or college? If she is feeling pressurised then your suggestion for a trip to La Senza will just make her feel worse. Do you still make the effort to make her feel special - like cooking a meal for her, giving her a massage, telling her you love her? Are you helping out around the house?

Spend time just giving her hugs and kisses with no pressure for her to have sex. Soon she should realise that you arent pressurising her into anything and that you are making the effort to make her feel special and she should hopefully return the favour!!

Wibbs

Good advice so far. I doubt she's having an affair though. Now this could be a hormonal issue. Pill etc. It could be stress too(though really good couples use intimacy as an escape from that).

Sex waxes and wanes in any relationship. Usually it's simple boredom. Not always inside the bedroom either. Major generalisation, but I would say in men, lack of interest is more to do with boredom inside the bedroom, whereas with women it usually starts outside. I think cowzerp nails it. The challenge is gone.

All relationships go through stages. The first heady stage ends and hopefully changes into long term fruity goodness. IMHO the longest the honeymoon period can last is 3 to 4 years at a push, usually 2 years. It always ends. Now there are couples who look like it never ended. They're rare enough and to be emulated. It ends even with those, but with those there is a core of compatibility and communication and discovery that lasts for life. The sex is the end point. It's often a good judge of the relationship and it's health. I think people confuse this obsession with sex with the relationship. It's not. Let's face it genitals are genitals and there are billions of them knocking around. Sex is hardly rare, even good sex. It's actually quite mundane on the face of it.

So look to the time you spend beyond the bedroom door. That's where the issue lies. 99% sure of that. Boredom is the biggest killer. That and loss of being, I dunno, proud(for real want of a better word) of the other person and the relationship. If your partner knows everything about you and there are no surprises left, then jumping your bones is way down the list. As cowzerp wrote the challenge is gone.

Imagine for the moment if you split up and went off with other people. I suspect she would be swinging from the rafters with the new guy. Same woman, same drives, different bloke. Exciting and waiting to be discovered bloke. You need to refresh that feeling in her.

Look to yourself first. Change tack in your life. Take up a new direction in hobbies and travel and socialising. Surprise her. Also don't always agree for a "quiet life". Force her to view you differently by acting differently. I don't mean being an eejit, just spice yourself up. The more a woman respects a man and is proud of a man, the more she'll want to get naked with that man.

As SarahSassy wrote get back some of what got your engines running in the early days. Also as Unregistered wrote(sounds wierd:)) don't always go for full sex. Take the pressure of that away. Be intimate and close with her without sticking your willy in. All of these things will help to reset the mechanism and in a way create a second honeymoon period.

The best relationships are renewed time and time again in line with the partners in them. That's the trick and that's what turns a bad relationship into a good one. The latter are a lot rarer than people think. After the initial buzz is gone much rarer. They are out there and it's something that can be learned if you have a mind to and take the time to.

Now it could simply be that after all of this stuff, you simpy turn out to be incompatible. That happens too. OK that's a pity, but if you work on yourself for yourself in this relationship, even if it goes pear shaped, you have a very good foundation for the next relationship in your life. my 2cents.