boyfriend wont look for access

LegacyUser

my boyfriend has a daughter who is 4 and he is a great dad.he pays 150 maintenace each week.he now has his daughter on tuesdays for 2 hours and one overnight stay at the weekend.the hours were reduced by her mother which has greatly annoyed him.they have no written agreement and he has not got gaurdianship.he does not want to take matters to court as he feels it is unfair to his daughter and he is afraid her mother wont let him see her during the process.it is affecting our relationship,it hurts to see him bow to the demands of her mother yet get nothin in return.i dont want to push him into a solicitor but i feel he should have more access to his child.

can someone please tell me from experience what is the right thing to do as a father and a girlfriend in this situation.

i really love him and his daughter but one part of me wonders whether i can last with a man who wont stick up for what is right and before you say anythin i know it is hard for him, i see it every day.

Mr. Incognito

It's not your child. It's his. Stay out of it.

My ex tried to get involved in my relationship between myself and my sons mother and she was told in no uncertain terms where to go.

If he wants access let him deal with it in his own way, he has to deal with this woman for life- you may not.

You don't know what's truly going on, only he does and in time she will come around. She might be jealous of you and sticking your nose in will only exaterabate the problem.

TheZohanS

Unregistered wrote: »

my boyfriend has a daughter who is 4 and he is a great dad.he pays 150 maintenace each week.he now has his daughter on tuesdays for 2 hours and one overnight stay at the weekend.the hours were reduced by her mother which has greatly annoyed him.they have no written agreement and he has not got gaurdianship.he does not want to take matters to court as he feels it is unfair to his daughter and he is afraid her mother wont let him see her during the process.it is affecting our relationship,it hurts to see him bow to the demands of her mother yet get nothin in return.i dont want to push him into a solicitor but i feel he should have more access to his child.

can someone please tell me from experience what is the right thing to do as a father and a girlfriend in this situation.

i really love him and his daughter but one part of me wonders whether i can last with a man who wont stick up for what is right and before you say anythin i know it is hard for him, i see it every day.

He's sticking up for what he believes is right.

You shouldn't be pushing him into anything, you should be supporting him in any decisions that he chooses to make.

It sounds as if you have something against the mother of his child to be honest.

Setun

Unregistered wrote: »

my boyfriend has a daughter who is 4 and he is a great dad.he pays 150 maintenace each week.he now has his daughter on tuesdays for 2 hours and one overnight stay at the weekend.the hours were reduced by her mother which has greatly annoyed him.they have no written agreement and he has not got gaurdianship.he does not want to take matters to court as he feels it is unfair to his daughter and he is afraid her mother wont let him see her during the process.it is affecting our relationship,it hurts to see him bow to the demands of her mother yet get nothin in return.i dont want to push him into a solicitor but i feel he should have more access to his child.

can someone please tell me from experience what is the right thing to do as a father and a girlfriend in this situation.

i really love him and his daughter but one part of me wonders whether i can last with a man who wont stick up for what is right and before you say anythin i know it is hard for him, i see it every day.

http://www.fathers.ie/

RoosterIllusion

Fair enough it sounds unfair but it's not your child.

Discuss it with him and tell him your views. After that it's up to you to shut up and accept that's the way things are or realise that you see it as a major problem and leave him.

Either way you are only entitled to tell him what you think, not to coerce him into something which he might not want/need at this juncture.

seamus

What the other guys have said is spot on.

He's doing what he thinks is the right think by the child. If he goes to court, he risks losing any contact/access to his child. Men's rights in regards to children are ridiculously poor in this country. He's lucky to have access to his child and he probably knows it.

Don't get involved, just support him.

AnonoBoy

No offense OP but the only people who can really understand what your boyfriend is going through is single fathers in the same situation.

Even though he's not with his ex anymore the relationship between him, her and his daughter is something very hard for you to comprehend. No matter what they're always going to have a tie and if he sours that by pushing for things then he may have to live with the consequences and he's right - it would be very upsetting for his daughter.

In my experience these things take time and the two of them will hopefully come to an agreement over time that will suit all.

Please please please stay out of it. Support him but don't pressure or nag him about it. He will not jepordise his relationship with his daughter for you no matter how wonderful you are.

LegacyUser

thanks for replies,

my only problem with her is how she treats him and its hard to watch beacuse i do love him. becaase she has hurt him so many times he has lost all strength and allows it.

his family and friends have begged him to go to court as they know the childs mother. i never knew her. i have been very supportive of him so butting out is not an option, he involved me, asked for me to be there for him and i will.

are there any dads out there who went to court with a good outcome. although he doesnt want to go to court on several occasions he says he will without my imput, this is normally when she denies him and its me who is wiping up the tears. my bf is not strong when it comes to dealing with this.

TheZohanS

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks for replies,

my only problem with her is how she treats him and its hard to watch beacuse i do love him. becaase she has hurt him so many times he has lost all strength and allows it.


butting out is not an option, he involved me, asked for me to be there for him and i will.

this.

He asked you to be there for him, not to make him do something he deoesn't want to do.

If you push him into going to court and it makes things worse he might blame you, and rightly so.

Mr. Incognito

Look,

I have a wee boy, He's in Limerick, I'm in Dublin so I see him every second weekend which sucks but the simple fact is even if she is the worlds biggest tool, she is the mother of his child and holds all the rights and access. Simple fact. He has to placate her on one hand and manipulate the situation on the other. 99.99% of people are reasonable, emotional people are not. Arguing and going the court/confrontational route does not work. Not only that it is extremely expensive but it's not very practical because it's almost impossible to enforce your visitation rights if she denys him access.

I would recommend he do what my father said to me at the time.

"Do you love her",

"No"

"Well come to some arrangement," and we did. if he is unhappy with how it stands he needs to approach her in a non confrontational way and discuss it like an adult. I doubt very much a mother woudl not want the best for her child and shoudl not punish the child for her emotional issues with the father.

This is something he has to do himself. Demonising the mother or drawing lines in the sand by taking it to court are not intelligent choices.

Sangre

seamus wrote: »

If he goes to court, he risks losing any contact/access to his child. Men's rights in regards to children are ridiculously poor in this country. He's lucky to have access to his child and he probably knows it.

Ok, lets not scaremonger here. A father who voluntarily pays maintenance where there have never been any issues of ill parenting is never going to be denied access to his child in a court custody order.

LegacyUser

As a father who is getting seperated at the moment I just want to say that I have to keep on the right side of the mother. It makes things so easier when it comes to seeing my little girl. Luckily so far things are amicable but no matter how amicable they are I do intend going to court to get an order just to copper fasten whatever agreement we come to. But I have to keep on the right side of my ex.
Your BF should probably get a court order, maybe get legal advice. I'm sure he believes he is acting in the best interests of his daughter but if the mother decides to deny him access completely he will have to do it.

K-9

SetantaL wrote: »

It's not your child. It's his. Stay out of it.

My ex tried to get involved in my relationship between myself and my sons mother and she was told in no uncertain terms where to go.

If he wants access let him deal with it in his own way, he has to deal with this woman for life- you may not.

You don't know what's truly going on, only he does and in time she will come around. She might be jealous of you and sticking your nose in will only exaterabate the problem.

Yep, I'd agree with that. He knows the ex better than you, so it's his call.

seamus wrote: »

What the other guys have said is spot on.

He's doing what he thinks is the right think by the child. If he goes to court, he risks losing any contact/access to his child. Men's rights in regards to children are ridiculously poor in this country. He's lucky to have access to his child and he probably knows it.

Don't get involved, just support him.

While I disagree with the above, especially the "lucky to have access" part, it is true that mothers can deny access in cases like this and nothing is ever done! That's what his fear is.

Having had access denied for 8 months in the space of 2 years over personal issues, nothing to do with the child, it's a killer! Yep, I got it back, but it was agreed outside court. I know that if I had got more from the judge it probably would have been ignored anyway or made awkward. Personally, I did have to go back to court or it would have dragged on, but if things are amicable, talking is the best route.

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks for replies,

my only problem with her is how she treats him and its hard to watch beacuse i do love him. becaase she has hurt him so many times he has lost all strength and allows it.

Allow is the wrong word! He knows it's unlikely the court will change anything. What he needs to do now is get on it with it and accept the situation.

Unregistered wrote:

are there any dads out there who went to court with a good outcome. although he doesnt want to go to court on several occasions he says he will without my imput, this is normally when she denies him and its me who is wiping up the tears. my bf is not strong when it comes to dealing with this.

He probably knows she'll deny it again and knows it is pointless in the end! As a single Dad he has very little control over what she does.

SetantaL wrote: »

Look,

I have a wee boy, He's in Limerick, I'm in Dublin so I see him every second weekend which sucks but the simple fact is even if she is the worlds biggest tool, she is the mother of his child and holds all the rights and access. Simple fact. He has to placate her on one hand and manipulate the situation on the other. 99.99% of people are reasonable, emotional people are not. Arguing and going the court/confrontational route does not work. Not only that it is extremely expensive but it's not very practical because it's almost impossible to enforce your visitation rights if she denys him access.

I would recommend he do what my father said to me at the time.

"Do you love her",

"No"

"Well come to some arrangement," and we did. if he is unhappy with how it stands he needs to approach her in a non confrontational way and discuss it like an adult. I doubt very much a mother woudl not want the best for her child and shoudl not punish the child for her emotional issues with the father.

This is something he has to do himself. Demonising the mother or drawing lines in the sand by taking it to court are not intelligent choices.

That is good advice. Over time things should become easier and he may get more that way.

Sangre wrote: »

Ok, lets not scaremonger here. A father who voluntarily pays maintenance where there have never been any issues of ill parenting is never going to be denied access to his child in a court custody order.

Completely agreed, it's enforcing it if she denies it, is the problem.


OP, How practical is wanting more access, I.E. School, childminders etc.?

PS. I'd worry more about the Guardianship than access. If she's agreeable it can be got without courts.

Setun

If you're looking for support or advice, go to fathers.ie as I posted previously. That organisation is set up to look after and advise people on the legalities involved in a situation such as this. Even if you just want to gain more knowledge on the current situation yourself it may be worth a browse.

metrovelvet

Unregistered wrote: »

i really love him and his daughter but one part of me wonders whether i can last with a man who wont stick up for what is right and before you say anythin i know it is hard for him, i see it every day.

For your own sanity you are going to have to stay out of it. But I can see what you are saying here, "can I be with a man who can't stand up for himself? for his daughter?" It doesn't sit well does it when you see him not doing what you think is right for himself and for the child?

No one here can answer this except you. It is very difficult to watch someone you love passively allow the wrong thing to happen to their own blood. How do you trust them to stand up for you right? Or if you had a child together? Could he stand up for that child?

I think what you are seeing is the mettle of his character being tested and you are not that impressed.

K-9

metrovelvet wrote: »

For your own sanity you are going to have to stay out of it. But I can see what you are saying here, "can I be with a man who can't stand up for himself? for his daughter?" It doesn't sit well does it when you see him not doing what you think is right for himself and for the child?

No one here can answer this except you. It is very difficult to watch someone you love passively allow the wrong thing to happen to their own blood. How do you trust them to stand up for you right? Or if you had a child together? Could he stand up for that child?

I think what you are seeing is the mettle of his character being tested and you are not that impressed.

Yep, but the standing up maybe the wrong thing to do.

Maybe he realises it's pointless beringing her back to court endless times if she can get away with reducing/denying access.

However, having no guardianship would bother me. I would go to court for that, even if she isn't agreeable. He basically is a legal stranger to the child and she can feck off abroad without his consent.

metrovelvet

^ It may be the wrong thing to do, you are right there, but OP doesnt see it that way. She sees him being weak.

Pol Pot

he is being weak.

Fair enough if he doesn't want a war to see his kid , but its the measure of the man. This horse **** about custody battles effecting the child bugs Pol Pot cos it's ****e.
It effects the kid more not seeing both parents regularly and pain is short term.
Pol Pot knows this as a friend was barred from seeing his kid and 1 year later with 10k of legal fees later he has 50% custody. and everybody is happy.

Furthermore 150 a week maintenance is excessive. Pol Pot pays 450 a month and he thinks that's generous.

Pol Pot believes your BF is being walked on due to his lack of back bone and stamina for a fight.

As for what the OP can do. Prob not much except watch from the side lines.
And probably bear the brunt of his frustrations esp if she offers advice.

OP may love him but if he won't fight for his kid what will he fight for.
Is he worth it? Pol Pot thinks OP's questions about OP's relationship are valid and should be explored


SetantaL has some decent advice except the
"drawing lines in the sand by taking it to court are not intelligent choices."

After diplomacy has fails - it's the only choice.

brianthebard

Don't see how people can say that keeping the child from the father is doing the right thing for her. Op he needs to talk to a solicitor and see what can be done out of court. Try not to nag him on it obviously cause its a sensitive issue, just let him know you are there as support and he might come round.

K-9

Pol Pot wrote: »

It effects the kid more not seeing both parents regularly and pain is short term.

He IS seeing them.

Pol Pot wrote:

Pol Pot knows this as a friend was barred from seeing his kid and 1 year later with 10k of legal fees later he has 50% custody. and everybody is happy.

Nice if you can afford it. Was he married?

Pol Pot wrote:

Furthermore 150 a week maintenance is excessive. Pol Pot pays 450 a month and he thinks that's generous.

Depends on the circumstances. Many single Mums will tell you 450 a month isn't and doesn't cover half the child expenses.

Pol Pot wrote:

Pol Pot believes your BF is being walked on due to his lack of back bone and stamina for a fight.

At any cost?

pol pot wrote:

After diplomacy has fails - it's the only choice.

Agreed, but still maybe useless! You know of any mothers jailed for continued reducing/denying access?

metrovelvet

^ Because it could backfire.

[I was referring to brianbards comment]

brianthebard

metrovelvet wrote: »

^ Because it could backfire.

[I was referring to brianbards comment]

And he would barely see his daughter? Oh wait that's already happened. His daughter deserves to have both parents in her life and even if he think he's doing the best for her by not making conflict, all she's going to see is he didn't fight for her. It doesn't have to be a screaming match, or a big showy solicitor's visit to her house, some legal advice seems to be needed. I know how few rights Irish fathers have, but they still have some, and fathers still have to fight for more, for themselves and others.

K-9

brianthebard wrote: »

And he would barely see his daughter? Oh wait that's already happened. His daughter deserves to have both parents in her life and even if he think he's doing the best for her by not making conflict, all she's going to see is he didn't fight for her. It doesn't have to be a screaming match, or a big showy solicitor's visit to her house, some legal advice seems to be needed. I know how few rights Irish fathers have, but they still have some, and fathers still have to fight for more, for themselves and others.

He does see his daughter! We don't why it was cut, maybe not just practical anymore?

Still, I would get Guardianship even if she wasn't in agreement and maybe more access could be worked out between the solicitors.

brianthebard

Seanies32 wrote: »

He does see his daughter! We don't why it was cut, maybe not just practical anymore?

Still, I would get Guardianship even if she wasn't in agreement and maybe more access could be worked out between the solicitors.

2 hours and an overnight stay is the extent of his involvement atm. I don't know how you can apply practicalities of transport to the issue, and I very much doubt it has anything to do with it.

metrovelvet

brianthebard wrote: »

2 hours and an overnight stay is the extent of his involvement atm. I don't know how you can apply practicalities of transport to the issue, and I very much doubt it has anything to do with it.

Pretty standard. He could lose the overnight if he goes the court route.

rosyposy

SetantaL wrote: »

I doubt very much a mother woudl not want the best for her child and shoudl not punish the child for her emotional issues with the father.

.

This happens ALL THE TIME, mother is pissed off with Dad, the only weapon for control or attention she can get off him is through the child,especially when the father is with another person now.However negative it may be its still attention,and thats enough.


To all these people saying not to be going to court, and just come to some "arrangement", thats all very well as long as it SUITS the mother at that time, what happens when she shacks up with the new man and wants to move country etc?the father is usually way down the list of priorities and the "arrangement" is thrown out the window, and he will soon discover he has diddley squat rights to his own child when it comes to the crunch.

OP, The most important thing is for the father to get guardianship, this is a simple form that can be downloaded from the web and mother just has to sign it (asfaik solicitor needn't even be involved/witness, i'll double check this 4 u)...He will have so much more control of his childs welfare in a court of law.

Another important thing which he may be doing already, is to make sure he is paying maintenance by giving cash directly to the mother. Direct debit is nearly the best way, as theres an electronic record of maintenance being paid. if it comes to it in court, she could claim maintenance was never paid, and the father has nothing to fall back on. This often happens!

Also make sure the sloicitor he gets its a FAMILY LAW solicitor, it can make all the difference..
PM me for any practical help if u need it, best of luck

K-9

http://irishbarrister.com/guardian.html

That's the link.

LegacyUser

thanks everyone,

polpot you nailed it on the head.

transport issues- they live 30-40 minutes away. 2 hours on a tuesday is not fair considering the distance. plus what can be done with a child in sunny ireland for 2 hours.

i am not gonna say one more word about it to him and i will add, i never did unless he talked first. i am not a nagging partner.

i still dont think someone should give up that easy.

not sure if this is what i want. maybe the real problem is that we are so different. i guess the next few months will tell. thanks again.

Pol Pot

Seanies32 wrote: »

He IS seeing them.

not enough in Pol Pot opinion. Not enough in his opinion as is obviously upsetting him and the OP.

Seanies32 wrote: »

Nice if you can afford it. Was he married?

he couldn't he needed to beg borrow and steal it. No he wasn't.

Seanies32 wrote: »

Depends on the circumstances. Many single Mums will tell you 450 a month isn't and doesn't cover half the child expenses.

Assuming it takes 2 people to make a baby...he should only be obliged to spend 50% of kids needs. That's 900 plus her getting childrens allowance.
So let's ask this. What kid costs over a 1000k a month?

Seanies32 wrote: »

At any cost?

yes.
Why should 1 parent's legal,moral & natural rights be pushed to one side due to somebody's elses unwillingness to play ball or in some cases genuine nastiness.
Should he lose out on the chance to be as good a father as he could be because he doesn't want to upset people.

metrovelvet wrote: »

Pretty standard. He could lose the overnight if he goes the court route.

Only cos most fathers don't bother fighting for 50% custody. Highly unlikely to lose what he has in court unless there are issues like substance abuse or the like.
These days judges are more evenly balanced toward the father unlike yester year. Although there is anecdotal evidence of judge being taken in for the "He beats me" stories still.

K-9

Unregistered wrote: »

transport issues- they live 30-40 minutes away. 2 hours on a tuesday is not fair considering the distance. plus what can be done with a child in sunny ireland for 2 hours.

How far is he from the school/childminder for the morning, how far is that from the Dads work? Overnight appears to make more sense but it depends. No point eg. in getting the child up at 6.30/7 in the morning either if avoidable?

unregistered wrote:

i am not gonna say one more word about it to him and i will add, i never did unless he talked first. i am not a nagging partner.

i still dont think someone should give up that easy.

not sure if this is what i want. maybe the real problem is that we are so different. i guess the next few months will tell. thanks again.

I would suggest guardianship next time it's mentioned. He really has feck all rights without it. I do agree the amicable route is best, but IMO Guardianship is essential, amicable or not!

Pol Pot wrote: »

not enough in Pol Pot opinion. Not enough in his opinion as is obviously upsetting him and the OP.

Again depends on how practical.

pol pot wrote:

he couldn't he needed to beg borrow and steal it. No he wasn't.

50/50 would depend on practicalities. Often not workable with distance etc. What's the relationship between the Mum and Dad like now?

pol pot wrote:

Assuming it takes 2 people to make a baby...he should only be obliged to spend 50% of kids needs.

YEP.

pol pot wrote:

That's 900 plus her getting childrens allowance.

Huh, what has childrens allowance got to do with anything? If they where together they'd be getting it anyway!

pol pot wrote:

So let's ask this. What kid costs over a 1000k a month?

You see childminding/creche costs lately? You seem to think €450 a month is too high, well €900 can be added up very quickly. Childcare costs alone could be €900 a month.

pol pot wrote:

yes.
Why should 1 parent's legal,moral & natural rights be pushed to one side due to somebody's elses unwillingness to play ball or in some cases genuine nastiness.
Should he lose out on the chance to be as good a father as he could be because he doesn't want to upset people.

Well in this case, it depends on how much extra he might get. Again,we need to how practical weeknights are. No point getting a child up at 6.30 in the morning to satisfy a parents rights.

metrovelvet

For all those saying he should take the mother to court, if he wanted to badly enough, he would. He obviously doesn't want to and no amount of coersion or disgust by the OP or his family will make him. As I well know myself, you cant make a man who doesn't want to see his child, see his child.

Fighting takes energy, his may be spent by now. Or he may not be bothered. I am a firm believer that actions speak. He could be sad and disheartened, but not enough to fight for his child's access to him.

Out of interest why were the hours reduced?

K-9

metrovelvet wrote: »

Out of interest why were the hours reduced?

Good question, what he thinks may not be the Mothers reason.Most posters on this thread are assuming it's because she'a bitter ex. That often is not the case!

LegacyUser

its not the mother he cares about, its the child and who he feels court will effect her.

hours were cut to suit the mothers college timetable. needless to say his work hours dont come into it when arrangements are made. he just has to leave early.

K-9

Unregistered wrote: »

hours were cut to suit the mothers college timetable. needless to say his work hours dont come into it when arrangements are made. he just has to leave early.

What where the old arrangements and what are the new ones? I'm talking about how they affect the child, not either parent here.

Dreddfan

Hi, not sure if it will help but here's a brief outline of my story:

Was told "I'm pregnant" and "I'm doing it on my own so your not needed"
practically in the same breath.

Had no contact for three months

Was informed of sons arrival by circular text message

Started a new relationship very shortly after but was constantly worried that my access (4 hrs on a sat) would be removed so hid my relationship from his mother, this caused a lot of friction and is still brought up from time to time.

Kept getting demands (not requests) for extra cash, was paying under the counter so she could keep her social welfare but I couldnt claim any sort of tax relief.

Got a solicitors letter telling me I was being brought to court because I wasnt paying ANY maintenance.

Eventually had to go to court to get guardianship and settle maintenance levels. I was terrified of doing this because I thought I would lose time with him and money would go up but settled for acceptable time, but money did go up (have had to go back and seek a reduction since, a costly processs) This process ended any hope that my fiance and his mother could get along.

Have now got a 4 month old son with my fiance.

I was getting walked on and, if my fiance hadn't pushed me I, still would have no legal right to see my son or be involved in any decisions regarding him (ie: I wouldnt be allowed to authorise/oppose medical treatments, bring him outside the borders of Ireland for holidays etc) and I wouldnt see him nearly as much.
The whole process has put a lot of strain on our relationship and it has affected how my fiance interacts with my son but I'm hoping we can get through it. My parents take him for a few weekends in between my allotted weekends and this upsets her as she sees it as them just "giving his mother a break", they always ask me beforehand but I find it very difficult to bring myself to mention it to her as it will cause upset whether I do or not.

I guess what I am trying to say to the original poster is, if you are going to be involved with someone who has a child (or children) from a previous relationship then, be prepared. It is not something to be entered into lightly.
I know that if I hadnt been pushed, prodded and shoved into the court process I would be in a far worse situation than now but it is a very hard thing to have to do and takes a lot of nerve both from the father and the GF, but the flip side is that if I spend more time with my son I have less time to spend with my fiance and our son as I work long hrs with a long commute on top.
We also have to discount the maintenance money from our weekly income which is hurting us finantially and in our relationship as it is quite high in proporition to my incone and my fiance isn't working.
As well as this we have to sit down and plan our weekends for the year in Januarary as I have my son every second weekend and he has to be home at a certain time, this means we enivetably miss out on a few things, this can cause a lot of friction.
I cant say that I know how things will work out for myself and my fiance as things are pretty tense at the moment but we will work
it out, but as I said above, being with someone with kids is NOT easy but it IS possible with the right attitude and a certain degree of seperation, remember that you will be like a sourrigate mother to his daughter (my son recently drew a picture of "his family" in creche and it included mommy, daddy, my fiance and our son, I'd bet that didn't go down well!) so be prepared for that as well.
If you are planning on (or just find out yor going to) have kids with your partner, please for both your sakes, get the legal stuff out of the way as early as possible! Guardianship is simply a matter of having a letter typed up (two copies) saying that the mother agrees to let the father be a gardian of the child. Bring this and €20 to the district court and get it stamped.
Getting this done is a great show of trust on your part and will set his mind at ease.
The last thing I would ask anyone in your situation to think of might sound a bit strange if you dont have kids but it is still very important, the child will automatically inherit all the fathers estate if he doesnt have a will, this includes his home if it is solely in his name but I stand to be corrected on this point.
All l I will say in conclusion is "Good Luck" and I sincerely hope that it will work out for ye.

metrovelvet

Dreddfan wrote: »

Kept getting demands (not requests) for extra cash, was paying under the counter so she could keep her social welfare but I couldnt claim any sort of tax relief.

Got a solicitors letter telling me I was being brought to court because I wasnt paying ANY maintenance.

Was this one of those standard template letters? I got a letter from SW telling me I had to produce a court order so I had to formalise maintenance though the courts and son's "dad" got one of those letters. Dont take it to heart.

Dreddfan wrote: »

Eventually had to go to court to get guardianship and settle maintenance levels. I was terrified of doing this because I thought I would lose time with him and money would go up but settled for acceptable time, but money did go up (have had to go back and seek a reduction since, a costly processs) This process ended any hope that my fiance and his mother could get along.

Why should your fiance and his mother get along? A ridiculous expectation. Even crazier than expecting to get along with your mother in law.

Dreddfan wrote: »

The whole process has put a lot of strain on our relationship and it has affected how my fiance interacts with my son but I'm hoping we can get through it. My parents take him for a few weekends in between my allotted weekends and this upsets her as she sees it as them just "giving his mother a break", they always ask me beforehand but I find it very difficult to bring myself to mention it to her as it will cause upset whether I do or not.

I would agree with your fiancee here. Why are your parents watching him on the alternate weekends?

Dreddfan wrote: »

remember that you will be like a sourrigate mother to his daughter (my son recently drew a picture of "his family" in creche and it included mommy, daddy, my fiance and our son, I'd bet that didn't go down well!) so be prepared for that as well.

You will not be like a surrogate mother! Granted the role of stepparent is not easy to define but you are taking it a little far here. Your son was hardly going to leave out his brother's mother in the picture.

Dreddfan wrote: »

If you are planning on (or just find out yor going to) have kids with your partner, please for both your sakes, get the legal stuff out of the way as early as possible! Guardianship is simply a matter of having a letter typed up (two copies) saying that the mother agrees to let the father be a gardian of the child. Bring this and €20 to the district court and get it stamped.
Getting this done is a great show of trust on your part and will set his mind at ease.
The last thing I would ask anyone in your situation to think of might sound a bit strange if you dont have kids but it is still very important, the child will automatically inherit all the fathers estate if he doesnt have a will, this includes his home if it is solely in his name but I stand to be corrected on this point.
All l I will say in conclusion is "Good Luck" and I sincerely hope that it will work out for ye.

Apparantlly guardianship means sweet fa. I offerred guardianship on a plate and it was rejected on these grounds.

LegacyUser

Dreddfan thank you for your reply.

It is nice to see a man care about his partner aswell as his child. there have been alot of 'butt out' comments towards me on here but when you love someone its not your own interests you are thinkin about, its theirs.

your fiancée clearly has a willingness to get through this with you, so there is someone out there like me after all. turning my back is not an option. i believe this can work, we can work and everyone can be happy once there is a willingness there. i honestly dont mind arranging our time around the child, it never bothered me. the hardest part is how his ex treats him. again i stress, we have no history and never knew eachother.

do you have your son every second weekend, do you see him during the week and do you mind me asking your you maintenance payments are?

seanie32, the old arrangements were a few hours more but its alot when he only sees his child a couple of times a week and in the interest of the child it would be more beneficial that she sees more of her dad, he is a great dad. she cries when she leaves him, they have an amazing bond.

dresden8

Sangre wrote: »

Ok, lets not scaremonger here. A father who voluntarily pays maintenance where there have never been any issues of ill parenting is never going to be denied access to his child in a court custody order.

He will get the court order all right.

The problem is when he turns up on the doorstep and she says FO.

He can go to the guards and get it logged. He can take three months to get to court again where the judge will tell the mother to stop acting the cnut, next week he goes to the front door to be told to FO again.

The courts will not take serious (if any) action against the mother.

Tread carefully.

K-9

metrovelvet wrote: »

Why should your fiance and his mother get along? A ridiculous expectation. Even crazier than expecting to get along with your mother in law.

That's a very good question for the OP. Ideally, they would, but often biological Mums and Step Mums don't for whatever reasons. Sometimes you just have to accept that and get on with it, nothing you can do about it!

metrovelvet wrote:

You will not be like a surrogate mother! Granted the role of stepparent is not easy to define but you are taking it a little far here. Your son was hardly going to leave out his brother's mother in the picture.

Indeed, I wouldn't read too much into a childs picture and especially dwell on how the biological Mum would like it!

metrovelvet wrote:

Apparantlly guardianship means sweet fa. I offerred guardianship on a plate and it was rejected on these grounds.

It's important as a legal recognition of the father and gives a little rights.

Unregistered wrote: »

It is nice to see a man care about his partner aswell as his child. there have been alot of 'butt out' comments towards me on here but when you love someone its not your own interests you are thinkin about, its theirs.

Something you will have to learn is, there will be times you will have to but out and let the Dad do his own thing. It isn't a go at you, just that this is often a problem between Step Mums and Dads and can actually ruin relationships. You have to balance not doing too much yourself and encouraging the Dad.

unregistered wrote:

your fiancée clearly has a willingness to get through this with you, so there is someone out there like me after all. turning my back is not an option. i believe this can work, we can work and everyone can be happy once there is a willingness there. i honestly dont mind arranging our time around the child, it never bothered me. the hardest part is how his ex treats him. again i stress, we have no history and never knew eachother.

The important part is in bold. The rest is about you, him and his son. What exactly can you do about the bold part?

unregistered wrote:

seanie32, the old arrangements were a few hours more but its alot when he only sees his child a couple of times a week and in the interest of the child it would be more beneficial that she sees more of her dad, he is a great dad. she cries when she leaves him, they have an amazing bond.

I assumed he's a great Dad. What I asked was how do the new arrangements work practically, for the child. It's important. There maybe practical reasons the Mum changed, nothing against the Dad, just she thinks it's better this way.

It's a very important question. As you go on, it helps if you can try and see things from the Biological Mums side. Sometimes they don't do things to just piss you and him off!

dresden8 wrote: »

He will get the court order all right.

The problem is when he turns up on the doorstep and she says FO.

He can go to the guards and get it logged. He can take three months to get to court again where the judge will tell the mother to stop acting the cnut, next week he goes to the front door to be told to FO again.

The courts will not take serious (if any) action against the mother.

Tread carefully.

And that is a big worry. If she is the stereotypical bitter ex, there is a danger of this. This could be a person who thrives on confrontation, so the best thing is to avoid that and work on a longer term plan!

http://www.rollercoaster.ie/boards/forum.asp?GroupID=42&forumdb=2

OP, That's is a link to a discussion board for Step parents. They've all been through the mill so can give you some advice.