Recent rows with BF

LegacyUser

Met the 'new' BF about 7 months ago and for 6 months things were absolutely perfect. No games within the relationship but about 3 months into it he got very sick. He has very few family and his friends didnt help at all and I effectively gave up my life to move in and mind him when he was unwell. He is improving and more mobile all the time but in the last 3 weeks we seems to be rowing all the time.

Now that he is more mobile, but not yet able to get back to work, he is away in his home place as much as possible cos he has more company there and is not at home alone all day. I feel resentful and know its not rational. It seems to me that once he is back on his feet he is gone and I am not getting back what I put in lately. I moved back into my own place as he was away so much and I am finding that hard too cos I loved living with him and dont really like being back living alone.

I dont know what to do.. I am frustrated with him cos I have been there 100% but feel he is getting selfish now.

I dont know what to do to get over this stage and it is causing problems for us. He has reasons for being away too but am I being selfish or needy?

LegacyUser

Hi there

Well you sound very nice for moving in and helping him along which is great but I think in such an early stage of a reltionship your role became caretaker instead of romantic partner and that now he's beginning to get better that things should be getting back to a more romantic level, No? How did he feel about you moving in - apart from the fact he was sick, obviously he needed the care; but I mean, now that he's getting on his feet how did he feel when you left to go back to your place, did you even discuss things?

It's very early on in your relationship and maybe because you became his care giver that now it's going to be hard to get back into the dating frame of mind. If I was you, I would just ask him now he's feeling beginning to feel better, would he like to come around for dinner to your place some evening, and try seeing how he feels about everything. Maybe you feel a little strange about it all too on an unconscious level. Personally I think if you were only 3 months in, his family or friends should have helped out a lot more when he got ill. I know that's not always possible but you took on a lot of responsibility for someone you were only getting to know and as a result the relationship took on a different weight. just my opinion on things, but I'd not be hard on myself for this if I was you, wounds like you need a little TLC as well. Good luck xx

LegacyUser

Well it was effectively his idea.. He works away a few days a week and thought it was an ideal opportunity for us to get to know each other which we did and it was PERFECT - not one cross word in 6 months but we have had 3 big arguments since.

He loves going south to his original home and has lots of company there so I understand why he is so happy there but I am just struggling with the change even though I want him to be better.

He is very kind and good to me but I have realised that he is the guy for me and I want the whole 9 yards - live together, kids etc... I dont want to lay this on the line with him as I feel it is too soon and may change the whole dynamic of the relationship. I guess I am just gone very insecure and am now relying on him more than he is on me and dont know how to stop the cycle of rows.

MagicMarker

Man friend wrote: »

Met the 'new' BF about 7 months ago and for 6 months things were absolutely perfect. No games within the relationship but about 3 months into it he got very sick. He has very few family and his friends didnt help at all and I effectively gave up my life to move in and mind him when he was unwell. He is improving and more mobile all the time but in the last 3 weeks we seems to be rowing all the time.

Now that he is more mobile, but not yet able to get back to work, he is away in his home place as much as possible cos he has more company there and is not at home alone all day. I feel resentful and know its not rational. It seems to me that once he is back on his feet he is gone and I am not getting back what I put in lately. I moved back into my own place as he was away so much and I am finding that hard too cos I loved living with him and dont really like being back living alone.

I dont know what to do.. I am frustrated with him cos I have been there 100% but feel he is getting selfish now.

I dont know what to do to get over this stage and it is causing problems for us. He has reasons for being away too but am I being selfish or needy?

First of all, fair play to you, you've been a very good and dedicated girlfriend. There have been times where i have been very sick, and a gf would take care of me, it meant the world to me.

However, a good deed is not a good deed if you expect something in return. Now that he's more mobile he is spending time at home because he's not as lonely there, i don't think this is unreasonable of him.

But you should speak to him, just explain that you want to spend more time together, but don't tell him that he's being inconsiderate just because he goes home more, because his reasons for doing so are perfectly valid.

Best of luck.

Mr. Incognito

When he was sick and you were able to "mind him", that ws eassy, and he needed you and you wanted to be there for him because, well, you love him.

Now that he's not dependant on you you are feeling insecure. This is natural but ultimately foolish. If he asked you to move in and was as happy as you with the relationship he most likely is totally commited to you. As a man, he won't want to be seen as weak and feeble forever, nor should he. He's trying to be more independent so that your relationship is much much more than you just looking after him and you should give him that space and respect him for it. Time pet, take your time.

peanuthead

MagicMarker wrote: »

First of all, fair play to you, you've been a very good and dedicated girlfriend. There have been times where i have been very sick, and a gf would take care of me, it meant the world to me.

However, a good deed is not a good deed if you expect something in return. Now that he's more mobile he is spending time at home because he's not as lonely there, i don't think this is unreasonable of him.

But you should speak to him, just explain that you want to spend more time together, but don't tell him that he's being inconsiderate just because he goes home more, because his reasons for doing so are perfectly valid.

Best of luck.

+1

Im sure he is very grateful to you for caring for him, and Im sure if you leave him to do his thing while getting better he will think the world of you for doing that too.

Its possible that maybe now he is well enough to get out and about on his own he doesnt want to be taking advantage of your kindness and is deciding to put himself on others, out of kindness towards you. If thats the case, thats a real thoughtful guy you have there, and you should be happy he's not willing to stay at home for another 6weeks having you pander to his every need.

The worst thing you could do would be have a go at him for being selfish only to hear back that the above was his actual plan. You would feel very guilty for accusing him of being selfish then, and once its said it cant fully be taken back.

LegacyUser

Thanks all.... I appreciate all the positive comments and would be curious how best to get out of this cycle of rows and frustration. Its been one a week lately and we both hate it and it is chipping away at the foundation of the relationship...