Cheesy song!!critics needed!!

Mateivena

Well i wrote this littlesong "take it back"...ive only half written a few but i thought id give this one a lash!its kinda cheesy and rhymey i no but all feedback is welcome!

(Verse 1)

My heart is living in a closed space
No words can open it up
No thoughts can mend this place
Cause it's only you it knows
Only your name on its door

(Hook)

Its like I hate the past cause it made it this way
Can I have four years back to change that stupid day

(Chorus)

It's so sad cause I know we would have made it
I put my all on that
I'd play my heart on that
It's not like I could have ever seen us fading
But now i'll never get to
Take it back x2

(Verse 2)

My hearts' still living in a closed room
Is so cold that it cannot even move
So my dreams have packed up & gone away
We can never be together
We can 't ever love each other

(Hook)

Its like I hate the past cause it made it this way
Can I have four years back to change that stupid day

(Chorus)

It's so sad cause I know we would have made it
I put my all on that
I'd play my heart on that
It's not like I could have ever seen us fading
But now i'll never get to
Take it back x2

papillon66

do you have any music to go with it?

Lyrics are cheesy..so are many of break up songs;)

quiet good-keep up the good work with the music:)

Mateivena

Oh such a cringe factor after reading it again!!
Nope have no music, I dont play anything...thank you for the reply though ill keep at it!:)

Burial

Mateivena I'm in your boat too. I can't play an instrument either, though I'm trying to learn something called "Fruity loops", which is a program to make music. It's for House/Dance/etc music which annoys me, but I can only use the tools available to me... I keep saying I'm going to ask my musiciany friends to review and help me with my work, but I'm worried to what they think!

Anyway, back to the song

It's a good attempt, but I'm going to need to hear it with music or tell me some other song it's like music wise so I can get the beat right. I'm just not getting the beat. The is clearly about a forced break-up. So you've portrayed that well. However, to me it's too bleak. He'll never get over it and never love someone else. I would've put some hope towards the end, but thats just me. On improving the song:

"It's so sad cause I know we would have made it"

It's clearly a sad song, so I don't think there is any need to point it out.

"It's not like I could have ever seen us fading"

I never thought of us, fading
Really I have no complaints with the line going with the song, but the "It's not like" part I'd prefer to keep that out.

"My hearts' still living in a closed room"

I don't like that repetition, from the first verse. Though I can't even think of how to make it better...

"Is so cold that it cannot even move"

I don't have a problem with the meaning behind the line, just the English. The "Is so cold" part, should be "It's so cold"

"We can never be together
We can 't ever love each other"

If this was made into a song, as a listener that part would be my hook. I'm almost sure of it. It was annoying when I read it as I was trying to think of how to make it better, or why it annoyed me. Truth is, the more I came back to it the more I thought I'd like listening to it.

The hook itself, I don't think it'd be a very good hook.

There's not much to critise in three verses (2 verses and a chorus and hook) and this should clock in around 2 minutes to 3 minutes.

Mateivena

Hi burial...thank you for your feeback,you obviously put a lot of effort in to analyse the song for me!
Well I'm no musician however I can only imagine it to be ballad type sound violins/piano with a darker edgier tone maybe?
To be honest I think that they are just lyrics at this stage which need to be worked out properly to develop the beat etc..
In all I liked what you did with the lyrics and your idea to switch up the hook is real good!
I'll take it on board & try to re-jig!
Thanks again
&
Best of luck with your "Fruity Loops"... keep the hope!

sparkzter

Well I like the lyrics- they definetly have potential so keep at it! In all honesty, its hard not to be cheesy when writing about love and all that goes with it- so dont worry about that! You should really try and get some music together for your songs- it will make all the difference as sometimes with music, they can take on a life of their own and become so much more! You just need to keep at it! Good luck!