Grieving or not?

ChewChew

Hi guys,

I'm hoping some of you can help me a little

My Dad passed away 3 years ago when I was 21 and I went through the grieving process. Then I feel I managed to get to a level where I accepted my loss and dealt with it in my own way and for the last year and a half I've been doing really good on an emotional level.

I'm not going to bore you all with detail but just recently in the last couple of weeks I've felt like I've been back to the day that I watched my Dad take his last breath while me, my mum and 2 sister held him. every day I am bound to get a wave of emotion for no reason whatsoever. I could wake up with it, get it while driving, while eating. at any given moment really.

My question really is. . is this normal? or could/am I still going through the grieving process??

And apologies if you have had threads like this a million times over

Clare Bear

Grief can hit you when you least expect it, you could be fine for ages and then suddenly out of nowhere it will hit you again. It's not about whether it's normal or not, it's what you feel and it's okay to feel that way, don't ignore it. You'll always miss your Dad and sometimes it will hit you like a lightning bolt out of the blue. At the moment you're having a tough time of it but that's going to happen. It will pass and you'll feel "okay" again and get on with things like you did. It's okay to still be upset, to miss him, to cry if you want to. You'll always miss him so there will be times in the future where you feel like this again and that's okay. Don't be afraid of sharing it with your Mum and sisters in case you upset them. Only they can know how you really feel. Hope you're okay hun x

445279.ie

Know exactly how you feel. My mum died a little over 2 years ago and like you went through all the 7 stages of grief.

But like you also, I sometimes feel dreadful and it could last anything from 10 mins to a couple of days. Sometimes there's a certain trigger (song, saying I hear etc), but sometimes it's completely out of the blue.

I think at times like this everything is "normal"

Best of luck and just know you're not alone

Blogger50

I cant really offer any helpful advice at the moment as I lost my mother just seven weeks ago but just wanted to say I am thinking of you and wish you well.

Firetrap

No, you're normal. I think most of us numb ourselves so that we can cope with traumas/bereavements. It's just that sometimes it'll hit you again. I go through the same thing myself over one of my parents. It's hard to know when grieving stops.

Dudess

It might be your sub-conscious telling you "wait a sec, you should be feeling sadder and grieving more" and it's a sort of guilty reaction. Nothing like what you've experienced ChewChew, but I remember after my grandad died, I occasionally felt guilty for not feeling sadder.

You've gone through the grieving process and you're entitled to move on and enjoy life, that's not dishonouring your dad, it's not doubt what he'd have wanted the most...

LegacyUser

I know it's 3 years, but they do say that 18 months after the event is usually a time to watch out for. For some reason it seems to be a period of time that reality hits in again, almost and the grief returns.I'm not exactly sure of the facts, but I know that time is very hard too.
Having said that, it's one of those things that will come and go always, there's nothing wrong with feeling like that.Some times are harder than others, but that doesn't make you different or strange, grief is a very personal thing.
Best of luck.

metrovelvet

They say the average time to for the grieving process is two years and any longer than that the experts see as abnormal. They might say that you got "stuck" at one of the stages. I dont know if I agree entirely with the time frame, but I do think there is some possibility of getting stuck.

I think also it can depend on the manner of the death. I read up on this after my father died of cancer. If the deceased died of an illness, often the images of the illness can get in the way of the grieving process and make it take longer. This was germaine to my experience and perhaps yours too? The images of a jaundiced man riddled with cancer did not leave my side for a long time, nor of his final breaths on one snowy January evening.

You never "get over" the death of a parent, you just learn to live with it. The acute pain fades but it can strike randomly later in the years. There is no such thing as normal with these things but there comes a time when you will want to release yourself from it. It does not mean you dont love your parent. Sometimes the hardest part is letting go of the pain because that is all you feel you have left of them. The dead do not want us to inherit the bad stuff. Your dad let go when he died, you need somehow to find a way to give yourself permission to let go too.

Best of luck to you. I know how hard it is.

Nevyn

It happens, usually when you have moved on with your life and are doing ok.
Life with out your Dad in it becomes normal for you and then you catch yourself being in this new normal life and feel how far you have moved on and you get emotional.

It will happen at various times going forward as you take big steps in your life and reach certain goals and miles stones, you will miss him and that he wasn't there and feel the loss of him an grieve again.

There is nothing wrong with having sad days and down days, such strong emotions take a long time to process and heal. There are still certain songs which when anyone in my family hear we tear up as they are assocated with my GrandDad who passed over 20 years ago and my Granny who passed 3 years ago.

Reminders of them of them will make you sad but at least you are remembering them
but you need to remember other things then the moment of his passing, reliving that time and time again isn't going to help.

Are there photos you can look at or home movies, or talk to your Mam and other family memebers if they are able and share good memories which you all have of him,
watch one of his favourite movies or one you watched together. You need to find a postive comforting memory of your Dad and that way you while you are upset you are honouring and remembering him.

AngryBadger

When you lost someone that close to you I don't think you ever really "get over it". I think we tend to deal with our emotions as best we can, initially just so we can function, but over time we become more accustomed to both these feelings, and the methods we use to deal with them.

The thing is, the way we often deal with loss or other trauma is to dive into life, or work, or surround ourselves with other people we care about, or basically anything that allows us to either "hold on", or ignore how we're feeling by focusing on something else. Something more immediate, and in some ways more potent.

My point is that we often walk away from situations feeling that we've dealt with everything when in fact we may not have dealt with anything and certainly not everything. The enormity of something like this is over-whelming and it's completely normal that 3 years after losing your father you might suddenly feel grief again.

Obviously I don't know the specifics of your case, as in the frequency of these feelings, if something else happened to trigger them and so on. I would encourage you to look for something that has happened/changed recently which may have stimulated these feelings, then I'd look at the feelings and address them honestly, to yourself, or if you feel the need, to someone else.

So in short, what you're feeling is absolutely normal. Thaed gave some excellent advice above, I'd follow that, and just be honest with yourself about what you're feeling, there's no shame in it, and the only person you have an obligation to in dealing with it is yourself.

Best of luck ChewChew.

Karen_*

Chew Chew you will always miss your dad and sometimes you'll feel upset when you think about him. Its totally normal. Things sometimes come in waves. My mam still cries over her dad thirty years later. Not in an all consuming grieving way but she misses him. I think its lovely that he's still remembered and still loved by you.:)

metrovelvet

Grief is a product of love, as long as you love your father, you will always grieve him, but as a product of love, is an affirmation of life.

JDLK

Im sure people have already said each person has their own way of dealing with grief but just to give you an example of how it effected my mother: My grandmother died and my mother went through the grieving process for about 3 years straight away, then when she kind of came out of it my grandfather died but the wierd thing was my mother didnt start grieving straight away and she thought this was terrible. Anyways it wasnt until about 3 years after my grandfathers death that it hit her and she started grieving for him. Not sure if any of that is helpful just saying that it works itself out

Time out

Hey - I lost my dad 17 years ago when I was in my teens - still do get very emotional over it at times, just like what you said, sometimes out of the blue and especially at family occasions. Walking my sister up the aisle was I think the most emotional thing I ever experienced, cause I was thinking of him.
I think you are completely normal.

ChewChew

hey everyone. . .

Thanx for the replies. really, really appreciated!! At the moment I'm doing really good but its just little things like someone said, a song or a photo that can trigger it off! Myself and my mum and sisters are very close and my Dad's memory will never die in this house with all the photo's and talking we do about him it's just little things that get to me and tbh, a few things get me angry every now and then!

but I really am doing good! like I said. . It's just little bursts for the last few weeks that I've been dealing with :pac:

ChewChew

hey huys, sorry for bringing this one back up after a few months. well, TBH, I dont really know how what I'm trying to say. I'm worried and a little confused.

It's almost my Dad's anniversary and although I feel really sad and upset about it, I am so very worried about my family and how they are feeling and in a way, maybe i am neglecting my own feelings of the situation.

Basically, 1 sister is pregnant on her 2nd baby. she was pregnant too when dad was ill and unfortunately dad died 1 month before her baby was born. My sister didn't enjoy her pregnancy as much as she should have due to personal reasons and due to the fact that her dad was dying. Then there were complications around the pregnancy but things were fine in the end.

Now she is back in the same position, pregnant but without her Dad and i feel it is bothering her. I do my best to keep in contact with her every day as she does not live near me I am finding it difficult to make an effort to see her and wont untill she is home for my dads anniversary (which I am going to be missing:()

and I'm feeling for my mam. 4 years on and I know she is happy, and moving on but still a very young woman and I know she is going through som emotional difficulties at the moment that I am trying to help with but am worried I am not being helpful!

So I just feel with all of the above that I am almost 'forgetting' my dad which I definitely dont want to do, and dont think I ever will but I just cant remove myself from my families emotions either!

Gah! sorry, I think I just needed to rant!

Lucy Lu

Firstly, I am very sure your Dad would be very proud of you for worrying about all your family and doing you best to make sure they are ok.

And secondly he would want to make sure you are ok too. And he knows you will never for get him.

You need to find a balance. You can check on your sister and Mam but you also have to find your own space. An anniversary can be a very hard time for all.

You have to take some time out, be it to do something you like doing or to spend some alone time thinking of you Dad.

You have to mind yourself first and then you will be able to help the rest of your family.

That_Guy

Chewie wrote: »

Hi guys,

I'm hoping some of you can help me a little

My Dad passed away 3 years ago when I was 21 and I went through the grieving process. Then I feel I managed to get to a level where I accepted my loss and dealt with it in my own way and for the last year and a half I've been doing really good on an emotional level.

I'm not going to bore you all with detail but just recently in the last couple of weeks I've felt like I've been back to the day that I watched my Dad take his last breath while me, my mum and 2 sister held him. every day I am bound to get a wave of emotion for no reason whatsoever. I could wake up with it, get it while driving, while eating. at any given moment really.

My question really is. . is this normal? or could/am I still going through the grieving process??

And apologies if you have had threads like this a million times over

Death affects people in different ways really. Of course you're always going to feel sad because you've lost somebody so close to you.

My little cousin passed away less than a month ago and as horrible as this sounds, I felt nothing. I was shocked of course yes and shed tears but since then absolutely nothing.

I know that grief will eventually sneak up on me when I least expect it and I hope it does because I feel very guilty about not grieving.

banshee_bones

Chewie, i know how you feel, i know how this "is this normal thing" pops into your head because you think "God i should be over this by now.."

My dad passed away 8 years ago, and anniversarys,mile stones and his birthday ( 2 days after mine) is always a hard time for me and my mother.

This year I was on holidays and was busy travelling with two friends so I didnt really talk to anyone or take my "time out" on his anniversary like i normally would, and a week later it hit me like a truck and i was very upset, crying an awful lot.

It happens, its perfectly normal and anything could be a trigger.. so if something triggers you off, just take the time off for yourself and cry if you need to. Its perfectly ok.

ChewChew

Thanx guys so much!

I'm going away to Barcelona with my best friend and I just know she will be there, minding me, and will cuddle me even if I tell her i'm ok. And even just thinkin about this is getting me a little emotional, so thanx for the support guys!

That_Guy

Chewie wrote: »

Thanx guys so much!

I'm going away to Barcelona with my best friend and I just know she will be there, minding me, and will cuddle me even if I tell her i'm ok. And even just thinkin about this is getting me a little emotional, so thanx for the support guys!

You're very welcome and have a great time in Barcelona.

bluecell99

I think your perfectly normal and you were so young to lose him.It is natural to feel what might have been as the years go by and family events bring it all back.

I lost my father six years ago at the early age of 63 from cancer and I watched the end coming for three months.Not a day goes by that I dont remember him.

I think once we accept that they are happy in the next life,free from all pain and worry,that we can get on with our own lives be they long or short.None of us know when our own time will come and just take it a day at a time.

Somebody said to me the only cause of stress for them now is that they worry about those left behind not getting on with life and trying to be happy.

I am sure he is very proud of you and wants you to be going forward and enjoying life as much as you can.

Salome

There's no handbook for grieving - everyone grieves in their own different way so don't worry if you think your grief is different to others or how you were expecting to feel. No one's reactions are the same.

I hope you have a lovely time in Barcelona!

Amalgam

I was numb at the time of my father's death, took about 14 months to hit me, like a boomerang, in the back of the head.

Particularly when it comes to cancer, it is a vindictive little feck of an affliction, I felt very guilty for thinking, 'I'm glad that's over', I'm glad that's over, for him.

You're very 'normal'

I think someone that endures a close illness\death from a partner or family member for a any lenght of time, they come out the other side of the process with something extra, in their frame of mind. You don't think the same, it grounds you a little.

This might sound cheesy, but it helps to sometimes just pick up on the person, have a chat about them, not about the illness, but about them, with your Mum, or Brother\Sister, a good old natter, it can discharge emotional hang ups you might have about their death. I just say this because it is amazing the amount of people that don't talk at all after an event like that, all sorts can build up then, in your mind, like sludge. Not healthy.

Caked Karen

Hey Chewie,

its perfectly normal to miss your dad. i lost my mom 14 years ago this year [i was only 12 when she died] and even now i still have spells where i just miss her so much.i think, for me anyway, because i was so young i didnt really get the effect it would have on me until i got older...that she wouldnt be there for debs, graduation and of course then for the days when i get married, have kids etc - and it just sucks really.

its the little things...could be from any range of anything that could trigger the feelings but mainly around birthdays, anniversarys and occassions are esp hard.

i dont think anyone ever really "gets over it" the term i use is "you get used to it" dont really have a choice but it becomes a little easier. of course there are days where i am just so "f**ked off and cant understand why it had to happen but then am ok again. in one way, its sad but another way it shows that no matter what you will never forget them...it is without doubt the biggest fear i have..forgetting little things that my mom did, say, the way she laughed etc but touch wood that will never happen.

i hope everything goes well and no doubt in my mind that he is proud of you and everything you are doing for your family.

CK

pseudonym1

Thank You all for this thread
Although sort of sad the way everyone has shared so openingly and honestly is comforting.

Someone once told me after my Dad past that death brings a lot of beautiful things. I like that a lot and it has stuck,

For me when I get overwhealmed with a sense of my Dad I think its his spirit - and find strength in that. Still miss him awfully and get pensive and sad 7 years later though

Cormb

Hi Chewie
I hope you're getting on ok.
Having recently lost my mother, I often worried about "how" and "when" I should be grieving - as if there was a standard template or timeline for this situation.

From talking to other people who have gone through similar, I'm starting to feel that there is no "right" or "standard" way to grieve and that like you may have experienced, the feeling of upset or grief can reappear at various times.

I feel that while the grief may not seem to diminish greatly or at all, its important to try to grow your life around it - to continue doing day-to-day stuff yet to acknowledge the upset/grief when it comes. It might become easier to deal with in some way.

This is my own experience (albeit not the most extensive) - I hope it is of some help to you.

Kind regards
Cormb

yellowcurl

Hey Chewie,

Thanks for posting all that's been going on with you. My dad died on New years eve and i'm pretty sure that the grieving process hasn't even really kicked in for me, but i do know what you mean about certain landmarks like birthdays. My dads was on Valentines day which made it so much harder because i felt like I had to be all happy around my boyfriend and stuff about valentines day and not let my being upset affect it all. I now know that it's ok to feel sad and to talk about it to the people who care about me.

ChewChew

bluecell99 wrote: »

I think your perfectly normal and you were so young to lose him.It is natural to feel what might have been as the years go by and family events bring it all back.

I am sure he is very proud of you and wants you to be going forward and enjoying life as much as you can.

It's not at all that I dont feel normal. It just hits me at the strangest of times. I could be laughing so hard, and in the very best mood and suddenly just cry if I think of him.

Salome wrote: »

There's no handbook for grieving - everyone grieves in their own different way so don't worry if you think your grief is different to others or how you were expecting to feel. No one's reactions are the same.

I hope you have a lovely time in Barcelona!

thank you! I intend on having a ball in Barcelona. And I am sure that himself will be watching me as I have a beer in his honour

Amalgam wrote: »

Particularly when it comes to cancer, it is a vindictive little feck of an affliction, I felt very guilty for thinking, 'I'm glad that's over', I'm glad that's over, for him.

yeah I was glad in a way when Dad passed. He had cancer of the spine, kidney, lung and Brain. All at the ripe young age of 48. madness. he died when he was only 50 and I was angry at cancer as a whole. HOW. COULD. MY. DADDY. GET. CANCER. AND. DIE. but he did. and I have accepted that to a point. cancer still robbed me of my best friend. I was daddy's little girl. daddy's pet. and then that was taken from me! not good at all!

Caked Karen wrote: »

Hey Chewie,
its the little things...could be from any range of anything that could trigger the feelings but mainly around birthdays, anniversarys and occassions are esp hard.

Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, fathers day. They all get me so hard, they really do. And this xmas was especially difficult (it was dads fav. time of year) and both my sisters who are married with kids were with their families so myself and mam decided to have christmas alone, just the 2 of us. But I have to be honest, it was lovely. I had the bestest friends anyone could ever ask for drop in on us both for a little while and we had a nice time, chatting and laughing and it really made our day better!

but like you said, the hardest part is knowing that I will NEVER have Dad to walk me down the isle, or introduce his grandchild too. Both my sisters got to tell him about their pregnancy, he got to meet one grandchild and walk one sister down the isle. I know I sound selfish but it is something that eats me up an awful lot!

pseudonym1 wrote: »

Someone once told me after my Dad past that death brings a lot of beautiful things. I like that a lot and it has stuck,

I truly believe this. I believe my Dad passed when he did in order to allow my beautiful little niece & goddaughter into this world just one month after him!

Cormb wrote: »

Hi Chewie
I hope you're getting on ok.

This is my own experience (albeit not the most extensive) - I hope it is of some help to you.

Kind regards
Cormb

I'm doing much better today, thank god!
just getting my head round the fact that this time 4 years ago I still had my dad around (and I was still 21:P) lol.

I remember someone telling me ''time is a great healer'' and I swear to god if I ever remember who said that to me I would kill them. time is not a healer. time is just time. I am the healer. I am the one who healed my own hurt and pain and grief by continuing my life just the way my dad would have wanted!

yellowcurl wrote: »

Hey Chewie,

Thanks for posting all that's been going on with you. My dad died on New years eve and i'm pretty sure that the grieving process hasn't even really kicked in for me, but i do know what you mean about certain landmarks like birthdays. My dads was on Valentines day which made it so much harder because i felt like I had to be all happy around my boyfriend and stuff about valentines day and not let my being upset affect it all. I now know that it's ok to feel sad and to talk about it to the people who care about me.

oh yellowcurl, i can only begin to imagine how you are feeling. I know I have been there, and by god it is far from easy. but you are so very brave sharing your story so soon!