Please Listen

LegacyUser

alright, im not a very happy person right now. in fact im quite sad, and i have nobody in the whole wide world to talk to.

im a musician, and have been in a few bands. problem? have little or few freinds from falling out all the time with different musicians. if i didnt fall out with them i dont really speak to them. i suffer with depression and i take medication, and cant work full time due to this. i wont let myself take any other career besides have something to do with music.

anyways. iv put my last band to rest, a few months ago, and all i do now is sit at home. i cant get a job or even part time cause im waiting on my dissability claim to come through. id apreciate nobody to say i need to get a job. thats not the case here. iv been on different types of medication, and the last one, zispin, has really made my blood boil with anger, great fatigue and lack of motivation for anything really. i just live with my mother only. younger sister is a 10 minit walk from us, mothers partner left her only a few weeks ago and my older sister recently moved to australia with her fiance. i have few friends, dont drink or smoke and have the saddest views on socialism, learning to keep my great distance with freinds which prevents me from having anyone close. i have 1 buddy that im good freinds with after a major relationship breakdown that i chat to online, but he has a wife and kids, which means altho i was like brothers last year i somehow feel in the way when i call up to him. i could lye on in bed roughly 5 days a week not being disturbed.

so sad but true, im moving back to brisbane, australia in late february to start a new life, or to say, 'A' life. my mother married in adelaide and had me and my older sister, but brought us back to dublin at a wee age of god knows. iv went to school in brisbane and found fantastic freinds that im still in touch with in around the 9-10th grade levels. (4th 5th year for you that dont know) and came back to dublin when i was about 14/15. i lived with my fathers family and had a terrible relations breakdown and havent spoke to him since. he visited ireland with the family and we met up, but i still feel hurt over everything. maybe i think i feel they are the blame for my mutilated perverse mind, so when i go back to brisbane i wont be seeing him or them that much. so its been roughly 6/7 years or so since iv been back there and im excited. go to college and find a job that suits me please god, get to see my older sister and open a cardboard box of freshness over my ill-minded lonly life.

today: i woke at 2pm. a little over average waking time i guess, and once again, reason for mentioning the zispin, has me seeing small red since i only took 2 tablets. its wore away latley thank***k. never the less if i find myself stuck on msn or on this computer ill get angry and stressed out. today i went with my mother to a retailers to buy a few things for a xmas idea she has which we can both agree will try make some extra cash on. and just because i woke late again i was bitching and moaning and being a little prat to her for whenever i find myself in her company for no good reason. typical me taking alot of impatience and frustration on her got her in a way that sadens me too, talk about a right mental avalanche.

so we got our stuff today and brought it into the sitting room, and as usual i go to my room. when the dinner was made i was slightly snidy at my sister, and it really triggered my mam off, she started yelling at me and me of course yelling back. i finished my dinner and she was supose to be going out with her freind for a few and even over about 20 mins of calm socialism came the voice: do you not have anyone to go out with no? sitting around the house like a sad git is all i see you doing everyday' etc etc...she went out and i was still rubbing the dog on my lap whatching the EMA's and she came back in. she had run out of petrol and was in alot of stress. i usually bark back because its how i do feel aswell( ****ed up sychology aye?) and let her walk into the kitchen. keep in mind that she has had a breakup (lord dont i know all about it) recently been thru the menopaus, recently losing my older sister to a life in australia and now come february ill beleaving too. i herd a loud cryfull tear burst out of her which i knew she was utterly trying to hold in. with that i wanted to go in and hug her and say please let me cry with you, i know this feeling of BLACK, and that i know the only way out can feel as to choose the joker card.

but ya no, even tho im full of feelings i only wish i could release some tears to somebody once in a wile, i dont, i hold it all in. therefore i just HAD to come up here and type this out.

im not looking for advice, as there IS none. but to just thank you in getting this far. im just going to take a sleeper tonight and fingers crossed i dont feel so bad tomorow, or feel like the way im feeling right now for at least another few days.

and for those of you who are about to tell me this is not the place, or if i havent got a problem please dont post, i ask you to just have the dignity and mercy let this thread exist for my own sake,

i hope i didnt waste anyones time, and im glad you got this far.

-anonymous.

Drift

Hey OP,

I'm afraid I'm no expert in these areas but I do think you might feel a bit better about things if you felt you had a better relationship with you mother. It's clear from the post that you care about her but aren't sure how to tell her/show her. Might be worth writing her a letter to tell her how you feel about her. That way you can plan it out a bit.

As for the feelings of depression, have you considered counselling it could help you get things straight in your head. Either way just hang in there, we all go through hard times and it's just a matter of plugging on through towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hang in there OP and maybe give the counselling thing some thought.

Best of luck.

JDLK

Hang in there mate

hexagramer

thanks just 4 months to go

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Been there. Know what it's like. I know you didn't ask for advice, but letting it out is a good idea. Breaking down in tears in front of my sister helped me. So did going abroad.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I know from experience. Don't give up on it.

Four-Too

Better days is coming lad keep your head up.

MagicMarker

So, what you're saying is, you're depressed, you can't get a job and wouldn't unless it was music anyway, and you sit around all day feeling sorry for yourself snapping at the people around you?

If you can be a musician in a band, then why can't you get a job? I've been in bands myself, if serious they can be very hard work, just like a full time job. Would you not rather work than be on disability?

More importantly, what makes you think moving back home will make this any better?

peanuthead

I know how you are feeling. Only too well actually. You would not believe how similar our stories are. And Im not saying that Im all cured now, because Im not. Im still going through it.

You are doing the right thing by moving out of your mothers place. You will have a much better relationship with her if you dont live there. But try to remember that she is feeling hurt and upset from the breakup.

Even if you dont have any friends, you must get out of the house. Even if its only to walk the dog, or go to the library. You could start by joining library and taking dog for walk, this would give you a slight bit of independence, which would, in turn, improve your confidence.

When you are depressed the worst thing in the world is to be alone. Be around people, even if you dont want to talk to them. Buy a 1-day bus ticket, and just get the bus around dublin for the day. I know it sounds sad, but small insignificant interaction with people is much better than staying at home.

Keep posting.

Victor

Enlil_Nick wrote: »

Fixed. :pac:

Behave.

LegacyUser

cheers peanuthead, thanks for the advice, i kno my mother is upset and me being the son an all its hard to be a softy around her, its next to impossible to be able to comfert her, but i do ask my younger sister to talk to her and i know that cheers her up too. ill be able to be a far better person towards her in the future.

and yeah i agree getting on a bus and riding around with a ticket may work, im actually gonna consider this. thanks for assuring me again, iv had my own apartments and houses and stuff and my relationship was a million times better, and i agree being around freinds or going to a library is dam great idea, my dog is getting to be a fat little sh*t everyday

majic marker i think you may have gotten a wrong impression of this topic. for some people, being in the country you were born can make you feel just that little bit warmer.

hexagramer

MagicMarker wrote: »

So, what you're saying is, you're depressed, you can't get a job and wouldn't unless it was music anyway, and you sit around all day feeling sorry for yourself snapping at the people around you?

If you can be a musician in a band, then why can't you get a job? I've been in bands myself, if serious they can be very hard work, just like a full time job. Would you not rather work than be on disability?

More importantly, what makes you think moving back home will make this any better?

clearly to avoid sheepy snidy little comments like this.
i have to say thats the worst piece of advice iv ever herd from these forums,
your a pretty lousy person me thinks.

OP keep your head up, you may have made a good decision in buying a 1 way ticket back to australia, and if u were happy there u might even work up the courage to get a job around music or so. i know feb might seem a long way away but just hold out! keep posting,

Elessar

I saw this saying on a plaque outside a famous Irish pub in Dublin a few weeks back and I think it is completely true:

"A good time is surely ahead, be it ever so far away". Keep that in mind.

MagicMarker

hexagramer wrote: »

clearly to avoid sheepy snidy little comments like this.
i have to say thats the worst piece of advice iv ever herd from these forums,
your a pretty lousy person me thinks.

OP keep your head up, you may have made a good decision in buying a 1 way ticket back to australia, and if u were happy there u might even work up the courage to get a job around music or so. i know feb might seem a long way away but just hold out! keep posting,

I agree, what with the fact that I didn't actually offer any:rolleyes:

I see you didn't give any advice either, apart from validate the OP's reasoning, which can be just as helpful as a hole in the head. Sometimes ''keep your head up'' just doesn't cut it.

What i read in the OP's post is that he sits at home (which can be incredibly depressing even for those generally happy people) being depressed, waiting for the moment he lands back in Oz when everything will be peachy again.

He says he won't get a job unless it's music related, well if a ''normal'' person came on here and said that they'd be ripped new arsehole and be told to cop on.

OP, the reason i brought up music in my original post is because i know from first hand experience that it takes a lot of work to get a band going, what with rehearsals and writing in your own time, it's quite draining if you're really dedicated. The fact that you were in a band suggests that you are quite capable of working, the only reason you won't or ''can't'' is because you're waiting on disability. Well, my original question still stands, would you not rather work than be on disability?

IMO, the worst thing you could do is sit in your house for the next 3 months waiting to get to Oz, when you could be making a conscious effort to get better now.

Personally, i think you should start getting professional help (if you're not already) and I think you should get yourself a job, even a part time one will do, just to get you out of the house and amongst people and maybe even friends!

I know in your case it may be easier said than done, but if you want to get better than you have to take a proactive approach.

Unregistered wrote: »

majic marker i think you may have gotten a wrong impression of this topic. for some people, being in the country you were born can make you feel just that little bit warmer.

Forgive me, but from your OP i got the impression that your depression is rather serious and not just a case of homesickness. Do you really think a change of scenery will make it all better?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Unregistered wrote: »

cheers peanuthead, thanks for the advice, i kno my mother is upset and me being the son an all its hard to be a softy around her, its next to impossible to be able to comfert her, but i do ask my younger sister to talk to her and i know that cheers her up too. ill be able to be a far better person towards her in the future.

and yeah i agree getting on a bus and riding around with a ticket may work, im actually gonna consider this. thanks for assuring me again, iv had my own apartments and houses and stuff and my relationship was a million times better, and i agree being around freinds or going to a library is dam great idea, my dog is getting to be a fat little sh*t everyday

majic marker i think you may have gotten a wrong impression of this topic. for some people, being in the country you were born can make you feel just that little bit warmer.

You sound a bit better - or at least more optimistic. Glad to hear it! - keep going - and thanks for the update.

peanuthead

Unregistered wrote: »

cheers peanuthead, thanks for the advice, i kno my mother is upset and me being the son an all its hard to be a softy around her, its next to impossible to be able to comfert her, but i do ask my younger sister to talk to her and i know that cheers her up too. ill be able to be a far better person towards her in the future.

and yeah i agree getting on a bus and riding around with a ticket may work, im actually gonna consider this. thanks for assuring me again, iv had my own apartments and houses and stuff and my relationship was a million times better, and i agree being around freinds or going to a library is dam great idea, my dog is getting to be a fat little sh*t everyday

Good to hear from you again.

You should definitely go out and do these things mentioned above. Its very easy for someone to say to you "go get a job" but when you are depressed, there is nothing worse than trying to pretend that everything is ok, and that you have the sky high confidence to go out for an interview, get a job and start working with a whole bunch of people you never knew before. Starting a new job is daunting even to the most confident of people, and while I do think its something you should do, I don't think its somethin you should do yet.

I know the idea is to make friends and get out more when depressed. But if you already have friends, just concentrate on them, if not, try meet new people through common interests ie: your music. Getting a job will give you independence but it wont necessarily make you any friends.