Just want to be happy

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Going through a bit of a hard time at the moment. I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago and I'm finding it very hard to get over him. We were together for a year and a half, I loved him, still do. It wasn't working out but I thought we could work it out but we couldn't....I have alot of personal problems with self confidence and sex and he has/had some things going on too.
A week after we broke up, I seen him with another girl and it broke my heart, it still hurts.
He's not with her anymore, he is know with someone else who he is in love with. It hurts me so much when he talks about her.
We are trying to be friends..we went awhile without talking and I felt a little better but whenever we do talk I just end up back at the begining. I want to be his friend, but I can't cope with the fact he has a new gf and is happy while I am upset. That sounds pretty selfish to me and I want to be happy for him, he deserves it. I'm afraid if I don't talk to him he will forget me and not want to be my friend but when I do talk to him, I end up in tears. I just don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this, I am really miserable.

I know it takes time to get over someone and it always hurt, but what can I do?

I really don't like myself..I don't think I am attractive and not very interesting..sometimes I don't want to be me anymore, I don't even know who I am anymore. It's like the old me is gone and been replaced with a crying wreck who can't even take a joke anymore.
I have been on a few dates since the break up but neither have gone anywhere, which makes me feel even more of a failure.

I just feel completly useless and miserable.

Thanks

towel401

ya know this whole 'just friends' business is a waste of time. it just gives an excuse for who ever it was (your ex in this case) to rub it in your face about what a great time he's having, being in love and banging this other chick.

maybe try being just friends in a couple of years when the dust is settled. for now it only makes things worse...

JonathanAnon

would agree with the above. You cannot be friends with someone you love. The pain of seeing them regularly with someone else is an unhealthy burden to place on yourself. You would be better off leaving him alone for a few years, and then when the feelings pass you may be able to consider a relationship as friends.

The only way to forget is not to have any contact with him. Sad, but in my experience this is the only way.

dudara

Trying to be friends only 4 months after a break-up is a bit futile. You need to take some time apart with no contact. It will be tough, but once you have moved on in your feelings, then you can think about becoming friends once again.

Right now, by staying in contact, and seeing him with a new woman, you're only hurting yourself and preventing yourself from getting over him.

Sephiroth_dude

I think you'd be better off cutting contact for a while,at least till your over him that is.

Karen_*

Unregistered wrote: »

I really don't like myself..I don't think I am attractive and not very interesting..sometimes I don't want to be me anymore, I don't even know who I am anymore. It's like the old me is gone and been replaced with a crying wreck who can't even take a joke anymore.
I have been on a few dates since the break up but neither have gone anywhere, which makes me feel even more of a failure.

I just feel completly useless and miserable.

Well how do you expect to feel when you put yourself under so much pressure? Let me tell you that NO ONE would be able to be happy while still continueing a friends charade with their ex when he or she is loved up with someone else.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Don't martyr yourself for this guy. You can make other friends and quite frankly better ones. He may be lovely but he's not very tuned in if he seriously thinks this situation is good for you. You're not useless, you're just human. Start looking after yourself and step away from him. Hanging around is like watching a train wreck. Do that one simple thing for yourself and you'll be surprised at the self woth that gies you.

Everyone feels like this after a breakup. Its a horrible time of self doubt and fear and you're not on your own. And remember that all the negative things you think about yourself are not true at all. You're just very low and can't see the woods for the trees. You're not ready for friendship with this guy. Give yourself a chance to heal.

Armadillo Sho

OP, my heart goes out to you love for talking about it here and i really can feel the pain that you are in just by reading the thread.

I tell ya, having been with someone for so long and it ends is enough hard on anyone, and in your situation he added the whole new gf thing which is another dagger in your heart that you clearly don't need.

I do understand that you want to be mates with him becouse you have known him for a while, but i even think that he would understand if you said that you needed a bit of space to get over him.
You can always get back to being mates when you have taken some time away.. don't be afraid of him forgetting about you, he wont, but i would want to say is that he has probably forgotten about you in the gf kind of way and just sees you as being a mate. I know its harsh to say and i am sorry to put it this way, but he is now just your mate and nothing else, and you need to move on and no way in hell you will be able to do so with him around.

Also just a note about you not liking yourself or that you dont think you are attractive, hun.. that is not true, if where not attractive, you prob would not have had a bf for a year or been out on 4 dates, its just that now you feel a bit hurt and down and that is taken the best of you.

I would say cut all contact with him and do it nicly by just saying that you need a bit of space to get over him, and also do things, don't just go to work and back home, get involved in something that would keep you occupied mentaly and physically.

Good luck hun.. and chin up, you are beautiful no matter what they say!!!:o

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.. I know it makes sense and I'm going to try even harder this time, its when I start to miss him that I text him, or when he is with his gf he doesn't text me for a few days and then he does and we text for a bit...I suppose I just need to be stonger. Easier said than done though.

I was pretty upset last night when I started the thread and still am, more so than in awhile..but hopefully it will pass.

Thanks again guys

Jimmy Bottlehead

Hey.

I'm the OP's ex.

towel401 wrote: »

it just gives an excuse for who ever it was (your ex in this case) to rub it in your face about what a great time he's having, being in love and banging this other chick.

First off, using that phrase is just uncalled for. And it's not an excuse for me to do that. Not at all.

Karen_* wrote: »

Why are you doing this to yourself? Don't martyr yourself for this guy. You can make other friends and quite frankly better ones. He may be lovely but he's not very tuned in if he seriously thinks this situation is good for you. You're not useless, you're just human.

I don't. I've said on many occasions that a break is best for her. But she does get very down (not just because of the breakup) and I try to be there for her as a friend. Its not easy knowing she's hurting and that i'm doing nothing about it.

However, I did suggest putting this on Boards and hopefull it'll help. I do think a break is best but it takes two people to do that right.

Thats my end of things anyways.

Beetlebum

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

Hey.

I'm the OP's ex.



First off, using that phrase is just uncalled for. And it's not an excuse for me to do that. Not at all.



I don't. I've said on many occasions that a break is best for her. But she does get very down (not just because of the breakup) and I try to be there for her as a friend. Its not easy knowing she's hurting and that i'm doing nothing about it.

However, I did suggest putting this on Boards and hopefull it'll help. I do think a break is best but it takes two people to do that right.

Thats my end of things anyways.

How do you know the OP is your ex? Did you tell her to post her feelings here today? That seems a bit odd to me. Why would you do that?
I know PI is a great place for advice but does she know you're reading this, was it your suggestion? Sorry, just seems strange to me..I don't get it!!

Jimmy Bottlehead

Beetlebum wrote: »

How do you know the OP is your ex? Did you tell her to post her feelings here today? That seems a bit odd to me. Why would you do that?
I know PI is a great place for advice but does she know you're reading this, was it your suggestion? Sorry, just seems strange to me..I don't get it!!

I know she's my ex cos I suggested to her last night to post up her feelings here, and lo and behold this went up.
It is a bit odd, but I see how much people are helped by PI (including myself a few times) and I hope it'll do the same for her.

She's an amazing girl, and I want her to get past this and move on and meet a guy who's even better for her than I was... and that we can be friends.

Karen_*

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

I don't. I've said on many occasions that a break is best for her. But she does get very down (not just because of the breakup) and I try to be there for her as a friend. Its not easy knowing she's hurting and that i'm doing nothing about it.

However, I did suggest putting this on Boards and hopefull it'll help. I do think a break is best but it takes two people to do that right.

Thats my end of things anyways.

Well its good of you to try to be there for her but although your heart is in the right place you're not actually doing her any favours. I can only imagine what having your ex and his new girlfriend feel sorry for you would do to someones self worth

You're entitled to move on and to be with someone else. And this situation isn't fair on any of you. Its just making thigs worse.

Clare Bear

Cut contact. It's the hardest thing in the world to do but you HAVE to. This is torturing you. The situation is horrible enough for you after the break up without the added pain of knowing about him and his girlfriend. Part company with him, it doesn't have to be forever but for now you need not to hear from him. Good luck OP, my heart really does go out to you, I know how much it hurts.

AnonoBoy

OP - Stop hanging around and being 'friends' with your ex. It never ever does any good.

That goes for you too Jimmy Bottlehead.

Ye should both leave each other well enough alone and get on with things. Otherwise it'll take you ages to get over the whole thing.

Karen_*

Jimmy also, its nice to be needed and loved isn't it? Even if you don't love the person in return its a pretty good feeling to so important in someones life. You're happy and life is going great for you. Your ex has said you talk about the new girlfriend to her. She's also said she gets happier when you're not in contact. I could be wrong but showing her the places you post and where you discuss things going on your life as well as chatting happily about your love life smacks of rubbing someones face in it.

If you hate her being so hurt then stop doing it. Leave the girl alone, don't return her calls if she rings you. Don't invite her to your favourite websites and encourage her to post a thread about you where you come in as the dashing hero who really cares. Your actions aren't very caring. They just look like you need to get over yourself. I hope I'm wrong. And I'm just pointing out that even if you have the best intentions in the world your actions are quite cruel in reality.

I think you're getting something from this 'friendship' but its at the expense of someone else. You have someone who loves you and is happy with you. You don't also needs someone to cry over you.

LegacyUser

Just to let you know I am a member on this, I just don't log into PI with my username becuase my username is connected to my ex and I am not able to change it. Also, my ex would recognise it immediatly and know where I was posting. I want to be able to post and not have someone know who it is.

Jimmy is my ex and yes, he did suggest this to me last night. I know his heart is in the right place, it just seems confusing. I'm not standing up for him, just want you guys to know that. I know he wants to be my friend, and I do too...but not right now..I can't take the pain of knowing how happy he is when he is not me. I sound so selfish sometimes..to not be happy for him. Maybe someday I will be truly happy for him and not cause myself to be upset about it.

I will have to cut contact and I want too, for my sake. I'm sick of being hurt and down all the time, not always because of the break up, but somehow always connected to it.
All I want is to be happy, I don't really care about getting with anyone else because it would be unfair to them that I couldn't give 100% to them when I can't even look after myself and be happy..so getting with someone else is not a solution for me, even though thats the advice I get from alot of people.

Guess it just takes time, huh?

crazzzzy

OP u will get over this in time & u will have bad days but u will look back on it & see d break up was 4 a reason & ye r better off apart.

JimmyB, it was a good suggestion for ur ex to get support here but u shld not b reading this thread. u need to get outta her life (at least for d moment) & leave her grieve for d relationship.

i went tro a breakup a few yrs ago aft 8yrs on & off. we loved eachother but cldnt make relationship work. everytime we tried break up we'd promise to b friends but of course we were so nice to eachother after d break ups we kept foolishly thinking that we shld giv it another go.

d last time we promised d same but after a few wks break we came back to d getting back together stage. we agreed it was not worth goin tro it again & that we needed total break so i completely broke contact.

I started seeing other guys but nothing serious & filled the time i used to spend with him by seeing friends, going out & hobbies. it took few mths to get over & it was difficult a yr later when heard he was getting married but im happy for him & my life is much better than when we were together. iv done so many things i wouldnt have if i was still with him. aft havin fun for 3yrs iv met sme1 else & its so much better.

I would advise u 2 fill up ur spare time with new hobbies so u wont b sitting round thinkin of him. tell ur friends that if ur moaning too much that they r 2 tell u r distract u. try have some fun & dont rush into another relationship.

Clare Bear

Jimmy do her a favour then if she can't do it herself and cut contact. I know you mean no harm but I think posting on here isn't helping either. Let her go, you're not helping her.

Beetlebum

Karen_* wrote: »

Jimmy also, its nice to be needed and loved isn't it? Even if you don't love the person in return its a pretty good feeling to so important in someones life. You're happy and life is going great for you. Your ex has said you talk about the new girlfriend to her. She's also said she gets happier when you're not in contact. I could be wrong but showing her the places you post and where you discuss things going on your life as well as chatting happily about your love life smacks of rubbing someones face in it.

If you hate her being so hurt then stop doing it. Leave the girl alone, don't return her calls if she rings you. Don't invite her to your favourite websites and encourage her to post a thread about you where you come in as the dashing hero who really cares. Your actions aren't very caring. They just look like you need to get over yourself. I hope I'm wrong. And I'm just pointing out that even if you have the best intentions in the world your actions are quite cruel in reality.

I think you're getting something from this 'friendship' but its at the expense of someone else. You have someone who loves you and is happy with you. You don't also needs someone to cry over you.

I was just about to post the exact same thing but it's like Karen read my mind! Jimmy, I really don't see how this is helping your ex at all but I can see how it's helping your ego. Have a heart and give this girl the space and time she needs to move on. You moved on first, well done but it's not a race, some people take longer then others. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute, she is hurting, don't make it even harder for her.

LegacyUser

After Jimmy posted earlier, he text me to see if I had seen what was been posted.I had and we talked about it...he has deleted me off MSN and we aren't friends on bebo or other sites anymore.I've also deleted people he is friends with on bebo as there would still be a temptation to look at their pages...its like a relief...but at the same time,still hurts. when we text goodbye earlier, i started to cry, on the bus of all places, I couldn't help it.

So no talking for as long as it takes...hope it works.

Karen_*

It will be tough for a while and you'll miss him but he's getting on with his life happily and you will too. Its way to cruel to be chatting happily to your heartbroken ex about how in love you are with someone else. Flippin sadistic even! You'd only get worse and worse OP and it will even affect your health. Find someone who won't torture you under the guise of being caring.

And Jimmy there is something seriously messed up with getting your ex to post how miserable they are over you on a place where you post regularly and talk about your life. I personally don't buy trying to help your ex over the hurt spiel because it seems she's only been served up kicks in the teeth.

Clare Bear

Well Jimmy I don't think you should have posted here. Cutting contact should also mean not replying to her posts on here. Let it go now and don't read this thread, let her do her thing.

I'm saying this for her sake. If I was her this would be doing my head in while I was trying to get advice and move on with my life. Please don't post on here again, no offence to you but if you do want to help her like you say then you'll leave her alone, it's for the best.

towel401

Clare Bear wrote: »

Well Jimmy I don't think you should have posted here. Cutting contact should also mean not replying to her posts on here. Let it go now and don't read this thread, let her do her thing.

I'm saying this for her sake. If I was her this would be doing my head in while I was trying to get advice and move on with my life. Please don't post on here again, no offence to you but if you do want to help her like you say then you'll leave her alone, it's for the best.

he will prolly end up bant anyway. lol

*sigh*

Wibbs

towel401 If you have a psychic mod scanning device, let us know. I'm sure we may have privacy issues. Keep it on topic and leave modding to mods or you'll get "bant".

Jimmy Bottlehead, I'm going to delete that post. Give one of the mods a PM in the cold light of morning if you want it undeleted.

Let's please keep this civil given the circumstances.