Second attempt; criticism needed again!

Whipping Boy

Things That Escape Most People

Each person has their own tragedy,
These are the things that escape most people,
I live on thoughts that come from nowhere.
The past is a strange place,
Even for those who say they don't care

The sky at noon, somewhat soothes me,
strips me down, till I'm stood bare,
My worries are alive
In everyone's eyes

Does the air agree;
That the time is now,
To lift my sorry head
and make good all of my vows?

Each person has their own tragedy,
These are the things that escape most people.
A victim of my immediate surroundings,
Your honest protests are best not whispered,
A smiling face knows little of these things


Any input; be it positive or negative is gladly welcomed!

humberklog

It's brilliant. Stunningly good. Excellent use of your talent. In the words and voice of Gerry Adams...'I'm flabberghasted'.

Such boldness in penmanship. Personally I've chopped songs to death to avoid a line ending in a eee sound (e.g tragedy) as it makes the lyrics appear and sound wonky. Particularly if rhyming is attempted. But my word, is this common problem so adeftly sidestepped in this piece of writing. Talent and thought...brilliant.

It's amazing to juxtapose your previous song and this one. Progress, progress, progress...bullseye.

What's it doing musically though?

jonniebgood1

These lyrics come across as being heart felt which is not an easily achieved accomplishment as the sentiments expressed usually seem fake or 'plastic'. Have you put these lyrics to music yet or formed a melodical structure for the song? Would be interested to hear it. These are good lyrics in my opinion but that doesnt always mean a good song.

Burial

I would also be interested in hearing the lyrics being put to music.

I'm going to go against the other people and say I don't like it. Not for the sake of arguement, but because I genueinly don't like it. It's nothing against your lyrical ability (I suck) I just didn't enjoy reading it and I couldn't feel it. I came back after awhile and saw the others comments so I re-read it again, and still, I can't understand the praise for it.

Everytime I read it, I'm just not getting it. To me it constantly switchs between everyones problems and yours. Who has a tragedy? Everyone. Yet noone knows this, yet they can see yours clearly? Your "tragedy" is as a result your immediate surroundings? Why? I still don't know your tragedy (Sorry if it is obvious to everyone else as to what it is, I've said before I just don't get this song) If the point was you don't know it, why do people know you've had it? (If everyone has a tragedy and everyone know this, then why does that escape most people?) Why is the sky being at noon significant? Because it's at it's highest/Brightest? Why does the air matter? Whats it a symbol/meaning of it? Reading it just frustrated me a bit. Maybe it's because I can't get it or something...

However, others seem to love this song, I honestly don't get it. I like the first verse. The last verse is good too, I guess, but to me it goes against the rest of the song...

Whipping Boy

First of all cheers for the input everyone!

It's amazing to juxtapose your previous song and this one. Progress, progress, progress...bullseye.

Thanks Humberklog, I took the advice on board from the last song and tried to implement it here so it's great to get your seal of approval! Congrats on being made a Mod too btw :pac:

Have you put these lyrics to music yet or formed a melodical structure for the song? Would be interested to hear it.

Sadly, the simple fact is that as of yet there is no music for it . This stems from the fact that I'm very limited on the guitar, I usually write with my friend but we haven't done anything in a while so I just wrote the words on their own. I'll look into the music in the near future hopefully...

Everytime I read it, I'm just not getting it. To me it constantly switchs between everyones problems and yours. Who has a tragedy? Everyone. Yet noone knows this, yet they can see yours clearly?
Your "tragedy" is as a result your immediate surroundings? Why? I still don't know your tragedy (Sorry if it is obvious to everyone else as to what it is, I've said before I just don't get this song) If the point was you don't know it, why do people know you've had it? (If everyone has a tragedy and everyone know this, then why does that escape most people?) Why is the sky being at noon significant? Because it's at it's highest/Brightest? Why does the air matter? Whats it a symbol/meaning of it? Reading it just frustrated me a bit. Maybe it's because I can't get it or something...

Cheers for the criticism and I can understand what you're saying. It doesn't follow the natural songwriting structure and this is intentional so I can totally see how it would come across as being confusing and disjointed. It makes perfect sense to me but perhaps that's because I know the whole backstory (not something I want to go into!).

Each person has their own tragedy,
These are the things that escape most people

The opening part of the song is an observation that each person has their own tragedy, specific to them, that often goes unnoticed by the people around them, it is not the protagonist who is observing this, rather someone close to them. It then switches to the protagonist's point of view and stays their until the start of the last verse again. As for the Sky at noon quip, it is hard to explain myself as it relates to an abstract and personal experience which even when explained in detail may not make full sense. Not every lyric needs to be self-explanatory, a lot stem from deeply personal experiences which may only relate to a specific person. Some of my favourite lyrics are the ones which force you to think and garner your own interpretation for them.
Anyways, I hope this clears some stuff up for you but if you're still confused and don't like it then it's all good! :pac: