Help me win her back!

LegacyUser

Was seeing my ex for 4 years and we broke up 8 months ago, I ended it as we were having more downs than ups so I broke up with her and walked away rather than stay and work on things. She begged me to give her and us another chance, said she loved me and I really did break her heart, at the time my head was so messed up I didn't ever think about anything as i'd so much on my mind, I neglected her , I never told her what she means to me, I never done the things that a good boyfriend should and in truth I was an absulute asshole. We stayed friends but over the weeks we started to see less and less of each other and I started to regret and miss her more and more.

I know it was my choice to give up and walk away and I wanted her to be happy and get over me, and I got my wish for the past few weeks I've been a wreck I realized everything she was saying to me was right and I was wrong, I was pigheaded and stubburn and made a complete mess of things I had to tell her how I felt and wanted to give it another go, we chatted for a few hours last night but shes now saying what I was saying a few months ago that she doesn't want a relationship and shes not sure if she loves me anymore or can forgive me , I know I made big mistakes and I want to put them right, just the chance to put them right. I want to kiss her all the time and hold her, and do things with her and make her happy I have always had trouble taking and showing love but I just don't care anymore, she is more important to me than my own ego.

She has said she is really hurt but is going to think about it and has asked me to show her that things will change, I really want to show her but making big changes when I'm feeling so down is very hard. The first thing she asked was that I quit smoking weed so I woke up this morning and threw everything I had in the bin, I'm scared that I'm going to try my hardest and possibly fail and be told no anyway, any advise guys sorry about the rant...it's good to vent,

unhappycamper

Lostsoul08 wrote: »

Was seeing my ex for 4 years and we broke up 8 months ago, I ended it as we were having more downs than ups so I broke up with her and walked away rather than stay and work on things. She begged me to give her and us another chance, said she loved me and I really did break her heart, at the time my head was so messed up I didn't ever think about anything as i'd so much on my mind, I neglected her , I never told her what she means to me, I never done the things that a good boyfriend should and in truth I was an absulute asshole. We stayed friends but over the weeks we started to see less and less of each other and I started to regret and miss her more and more.

I know it was my choice to give up and walk away and I wanted her to be happy and get over me, and I got my wish for the past few weeks I've been a wreck I realized everything she was saying to me was right and I was wrong, I was pigheaded and stubburn and made a complete mess of things I had to tell her how I felt and wanted to give it another go, we chatted for a few hours last night but shes now saying what I was saying a few months ago that she doesn't want a relationship and shes not sure if she loves me anymore or can forgive me , I know I made big mistakes and I want to put them right, just the chance to put them right. I want to kiss her all the time and hold her, and do things with her and make her happy I have always had trouble taking and showing love but I just don't care anymore, she is more important to me than my own ego.

She has said she is really hurt but is going to think about it and has asked me to show her that things will change, I really want to show her but making big changes when I'm feeling so down is very hard. The first thing she asked was that I quit smoking weed so I woke up this morning and threw everything I had in the bin, I'm scared that I'm going to try my hardest and possibly fail and be told no anyway, any advise guys sorry about the rant...it's good to vent,

I gave up weed a over a year ago. Since then:

I have loads more money
I know what I say when I say it
I am as sharp as a blade
I am back to being me and not a shadow of my former self
I have no guilt
I glow as opposed to look tired
I am starting a new business
I launched and recorded an album on iTunes

Had I kept on smoking I would have never been taken seriously by people in the industry I am in, and I would have had no cash to kick start my dream.
I stopped hanging out with people who smoked and although tuff when I look back, now they are all jealous of me being weed free. Most of all I don't owe some crummy dealer money. Clean your act up and no doubt nice girls will follow. Maybe if you clean it up really well you might just get your wonderful girlfriend back.

Remember, weed gets in the way of everything. When you unblock that habit life will throw much better feelings, real feelings at you, so watch out for your emotional self. Best of luck OP you will do it no doubt, you sound like you want to make the change.

P.S I smoked for 10 years

Shelli

Copy your post and show it to her......

Seriously.


I wish you were my ex....I'm on the other end, I was dumped and I'm still wishing against all odds that he would say the exact things you have typed above.

Be persistant, give her time and space but not too much, show her that the at least the little things have changed and that the bigger things will follow.

Good luck X

Nevyn

Why are you smoking as much ?
What issues are you avoiding dealing with by being habitually stoned ?
Some times chronic smoking is infact a symphtom as much as drinking too much and the under lying root issues still have to be dealt with after you get sober.

unhappycamper

Thaedydal wrote: »

Why are you smoking as much ?
What issues are you avoiding dealing with by being habitually stoned ?
Some times chronic smoking is infact a symphtom as much as drinking too much and the under lying root issues still have to be dealt with after you get sober.

Very true and when you stop you may have to rebuild yourself. Get to know yourself all over again.

LegacyUser

I know that not smoking will be a big change, I've smoked for a long time, in the beginning we all smoked but my ex cleaned up her act and stopped, she tried to warn me that I was destroying myself, all I was interested in was sitting in all the time and getting high when I should have been out enjoying my time with her, god I regret it so much she was always there for me whenever I needed her and unfortunatly I wasn't.

Giving up will not be easy, but when your doing it for yourself and someone you really care about it's worth it and I really do want to do it. Theres more I have to change, somewhere along the line i just lost myself, I lost my smile , I lost who I was and the person that she fell in love with. But I am going to get him back , and I pray to god I get her aswell and if I don't well then I guess it'll be my own fault. I'm crap at being romantic so I have to get some ideas together to show her how serious I am, I don't think she believes me.

Irishcrx

Be Persistent , and get yourself sorted out first then put all your energy into getting her back if you feel that strongly, but the ball is in her court tbh.

Wibbs

Lostsoul08 wrote: »

I know that not smoking will be a big change, I've smoked for a long time, in the beginning we all smoked but my ex cleaned up her act and stopped, she tried to warn me that I was destroying myself, all I was interested in was sitting in all the time and getting high when I should have been out enjoying my time with her, god I regret it so much she was always there for me whenever I needed her and unfortunatly I wasn't.

Giving up will not be easy, but when your doing it for yourself and someone you really care about it's worth it and I really do want to do it. Theres more I have to change, somewhere along the line i just lost myself, I lost my smile , I lost who I was and the person that she fell in love with. But I am going to get him back , and I pray to god I get her aswell and if I don't well then I guess it'll be my own fault.

Fair play on all scores.

I'm crap at being romantic so I have to get some ideas together to show her how serious I am, I don't think she believes me.

IMHO showing her how serious you are is going to be a hard one. Most people tell people how serious they are and that rarely (actually never) works. you're going to probably hear the "too little too late" comment or some variable from her and that's understandable. Her trust and the attraction carried by that trust is not there at the moment. Or not there enough for her to think afresh about you as a partner. And that's what you're aiming for.

I would avoid grand romantic gestures. While they seem the obvious thing, they rarely work except in the movies. Don't get me wrong, when you are inside a loving relationship, both parties love them, but many good relationships don't have them that much. Grand romantic gestures should be left to after you have rebuilt that connection again.

I reckon you've touched on it, when you say "I lost who I was and the person that she fell in love with". That's the key and you're already on that road by working on you. For you.

She will see this as it happens. It will take time too. While people may express romantic notions emotionally, there is logic behind those notions. She has to feel that you are a good bet longterm. All relationships need that and when it's lost, that's when they flounder.

It seems you are both still in contact. Keep that going, but keep it light. Avoid telling her how you've changed, which won't be easy as it will be exciting for you. Show her you've changed by your actions. If you have changed and she holds even the slightest spark for you, she will spot it as she'll want to spot it.

Don't mention the old relationship. Try to avoid that as much as possible as you're trying to build a new one. Bringing up the past will just attach the bad feelings she has to you. Now it will bring up good ones too, but by you bringing it up it'll bring up more bad than good. If she thinks about this stuff without prompting and sees the change then she'll tend to think more about the good than the bad. Human nature seems with the distance of time, to think more on the good than the mundane or bad.

You face one major disadvantage over any new guy in her life. Namely she thinks she knows you. In a new relationship, the excitement of not knowing the story motors it along. You're an open book and she's read the end page so reckons she knows how it will turn out. She will have this idea planted firmly in her head and will be sensitive to you trying to change that. So don't try. Sounds counterproductive, but it's not.

The advantage you have is that she has loved you before. Now people will say, when it's gone it's gone. That can be true more often than not, but IMHO it's because the one getting dumped adds to that by doing and saying the wrong things.

Don't say you love her. That will come across as selfish and is counterproductive. She knew this when she left and it didn't stop her leaving. It says that it's your feelings you care about, more than hers. Plus in the end how you feel about her is much less important to her than how she feels about you. The latter is what you're trying to fix.

Keep all your interactions light and fun. To do this accept in your head it's over. Pretend she's someone new you've just met. As you said, be the guy she fell for in the first place, not the guy she left. People also say you can't make someone fall in love with you, but you can make someone fall out of love with you. In a way when someone falls for you and you for them, both of you "made" that happen. It didn't fall out of the sky from Cupids back pocket. It started with attraction and grew from that. I would say that if someone loved you once, you're chances are better than we think of that coming back. People in really healthy, good long term relationships fall in love afresh quite often.

Now regardless of all this she may just feel what's done is done. That's cool too. begin to accept that. You're doing what you're doing for you. First and foremost. Working on that goal is attractive in of itself.

I wish you luck in your new direction.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Fair play on all scores.

IMHO showing her how serious you are is going to be a hard one. Most people tell people how serious they are and that rarely (actually never) works. you're going to probably hear the "too little too late" comment or some variable from her and that's understandable. Her trust and the attraction carried by that trust is not there at the moment. Or not there enough for her to think afresh about you as a partner. And that's what you're aiming for.

I would avoid grand romantic gestures. While they seem the obvious thing, they rarely work except in the movies. Don't get me wrong, when you are inside a loving relationship, both parties love them, but many good relationships don't have them that much. Grand romantic gestures should be left to after you have rebuilt that connection again.

I reckon you've touched on it, when you say "I lost who I was and the person that she fell in love with". That's the key and you're already on that road by working on you. For you.

She will see this as it happens. It will take time too. While people may express romantic notions emotionally, there is logic behind those notions. She has to feel that you are a good bet longterm. All relationships need that and when it's lost, that's when they flounder.

It seems you are both still in contact. Keep that going, but keep it light. Avoid telling her how you've changed, which won't be easy as it will be exciting for you. Show her you've changed by your actions. If you have changed and she holds even the slightest spark for you, she will spot it as she'll want to spot it.

Don't mention the old relationship. Try to avoid that as much as possible as you're trying to build a new one. Bringing up the past will just attach the bad feelings she has to you. Now it will bring up good ones too, but by you bringing it up it'll bring up more bad than good. If she thinks about this stuff without prompting and sees the change then she'll tend to think more about the good than the bad. Human nature seems with the distance of time, to think more on the good than the mundane or bad.

You face one major disadvantage over any new guy in her life. Namely she thinks she knows you. In a new relationship, the excitement of not knowing the story motors it along. You're an open book and she's read the end page so reckons she knows how it will turn out. She will have this idea planted firmly in her head and will be sensitive to you trying to change that. So don't try. Sounds counterproductive, but it's not.

The advantage you have is that she has loved you before. Now people will say, when it's gone it's gone. That can be true more often than not, but IMHO it's because the one getting dumped adds to that by doing and saying the wrong things.

Don't say you love her. That will come across as selfish and is counterproductive. She knew this when she left and it didn't stop her leaving. It says that it's your feelings you care about, more than hers. Plus in the end how you feel about her is much less important to her than how she feels about you. The latter is what you're trying to fix.

Keep all your interactions light and fun. To do this accept in your head it's over. Pretend she's someone new you've just met. As you said, be the guy she fell for in the first place, not the guy she left. People also say you can't make someone fall in love with you, but you can make someone fall out of love with you. In a way when someone falls for you and you for them, both of you "made" that happen. It didn't fall out of the sky from Cupids back pocket. It started with attraction and grew from that. I would say that if someone loved you once, you're chances are better than we think of that coming back. People in really healthy, good long term relationships fall in love afresh quite often.

Now regardless of all this she may just feel what's done is done. That's cool too. begin to accept that. You're doing what you're doing for you. First and foremost. Working on that goal is attractive in of itself.

I wish you luck in your new direction.

not the OP here, but in a very similar situation to him. out of a long term relationship a few months ago, she finished it, now realising how much i loved her, how important she was to me, how i should have done more. i really want to make it work between us now. we still keep in touch, no bad feelings between us etc...

exactly like Wibbs says though, great post btw, only way anything can ever happen with us is again is on her terms, not really my choice. since we broke up, i have kinda been feeling sorry for myself, and only in the last week or two have I started trying to do things to make me feel good about myself again and try get back to the fella i once was. i haven't seen ex since we broke up, but we said we will meet up for a drink soon, i don't plan on talking about our past, wanna keep things very light and friendly, not gonna tell her how much i want her back etc.....she loved me very much before, maybe, hopefully, that can happen again. i want her back so much, but it can only happen if she wants it too. so best of luck OP, hopefully there can be a happy ending for both of us. (im not so sure though)

LegacyUser

Wibbs, that was good advise thanks very much. It's so hard to just not explode and keep telling her how much I love her, worst part is how much I hate myself for letting her go and for making her not love me I've got alot of work to do but I'm sure at the end of the road one way or another it will be good for me.