Can't shake feeling boyfriend seeing someone else

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I live with my bf. We've been together over a year and moved in together about a month ago.

Last night, we were coming home & he was reading a message on his phone in the taxi. I was talking to him & had my head on his shoulder & he was trying to shield his phone. When we were out last night his phone rang several times & he kept ignoring it.....

This morning, I did something terrible & checked his messages when he was in the shower. I feel so bad but I was certain something going on. There was a text from a woman (let's call her mary) saying 'How are you fixed for a lift tonight?'. It's weird cause in all the time I've known him, he's never even mentioned this person's name so why she'd be asking him for a lift I dunno.

He stays away for work 1/2 nights a week so has plenty of opportunity.....I've never doubted him before but I have a nagging feeling.

What should I do? Forget about it? Try & find more evidence?

orlyice

hmmm thats a tough one. it could be something innocent like she works with him or something. where do he stay when he is away with work? simple way of finding out, take a day off work and surprise him by going to visit him when he is staying away. if you cant stay where he is staying, book a hotel close by. call him when you are about a half hour away and you'll know by his reaction if he has been playing away. if he sounds kinda panicked or tries to talk you out of it then you know he has been.
if he has nothing to hide then you'll be the best girlfriend ever for surprising him like that.

reading his messages was wrong but i think you know that already. or the next time his phone rings and he doesnt answer it leave it a little while and ask him can you borrow his phone as you have no credit/battery is dead and then say "oh you have a missed call fom mary, who is she?"

really the message seems innocent but his behaviour isnt.

Lemming

Stay. Away. from mentioning going through his phone. Nothing good will come of it. Even doing the coy "oh who is so and so?" may or may not get a good reception.

In fact, I'd stay way from routing though someone's phone messages/emails/etc period. They are so easily taken out of context that you'll have yourself worked up into an hysterical state for next to nothing; then you'll confront your other half; they'll get utterly incensed that you went through their stuff and then you'll REALLY have a problem on your hands

As for "mary", have you perhaps considered that he's never mentioned her since she's not an issue in his mind?

suspicious

suspicious wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I live with my bf. We've been together over a year and moved in together about a month ago.

Last night, we were coming home & he was reading a message on his phone in the taxi. I was talking to him & had my head on his shoulder & he was trying to shield his phone. When we were out last night his phone rang several times & he kept ignoring it.....

This morning, I did something terrible & checked his messages when he was in the shower. I feel so bad but I was certain something going on. There was a text from a woman (let's call her mary) saying 'How are you fixed for a lift tonight?'. It's weird cause in all the time I've known him, he's never even mentioned this person's name so why she'd be asking him for a lift I dunno.

He stays away for work 1/2 nights a week so has plenty of opportunity.....I've never doubted him before but I have a nagging feeling.

What should I do? Forget about it? Try & find more evidence?

ask him why he's shielding his phone and not answering calls
don't , for the love of god , go through someone's phone, not to mention if you're already convinced he's cheating you'll blow anything you may find completely out of proportion

a nagging feeling isn't enough to invade privacy or go on a witch hunt especially since you are supposed to be in a relationship with this person
so once again try talking to him

Trinity

I dont have figures and this is not fact but of all the affairs I have heard of the cheater almost always "got caught" and didnt confess of their own free will.

When people are doing something so wrong they are not going to break and confess by merely asking "are you shagging someone else dear?" They dont just say yes!

However you cant approach him without proof, so how do you get proof if people are saying dont go through his phone? Perhaps she shouldnt be going into his phone but he shouldnt be going into someone elses bed which is worse?

No I am not saying he is, but if your suspicions are strong enough and you feel there is something amiss with that text, then approach him or personally i would wait until there is another incident, if there is one of course.

We all get doubts from time to time, and we have to filter out whats just paranoia and what ones have fact, evidence behind them. If i thought my partner was cheating and i believed it strongly enough damn right i would find what evidence i needed than wait for it to come out in the future. You think i would be afraid to go through his phone cos its sooo wrong?? Is cheating not even more wrong?? The only problem would be if i was proven wrong and he wasnt cheating and i'd look like a right bunny boiler. Thats why my suspicions would have to be really aroused with more than one incident.

What about the married woman who found hotel receipts in her husbands wallet. She had become suspicious when he was out late one night. Had she not looked she would never have known, he wasnt gonna admit but this way he couldnt deny the evidence.

One text does not a cheater make however just be careful and watch for any other signs. People never trust their instincts anymore for some reason

And usually the partner cheated on will always say how could i not have known, i saw the signs.

OP its up to you whether to say who is Mary or put it behind you, give him the benefit of the doubt and if anything else happens then put it all together and make up your own mind where to take it from there

tatt chic

if your gut feeling is telling you that he could be cheating then he very well could be.

i recently found that my boyfriend of 8 years cheated and i ignored the feeling for weeks before i found out for definite.

i don't know what the best way to handle it is, but don't ignore it and pretend everything is ok if you feel it isn't.

lot to be said for gut feelings and it does seem a little strange that he would try shield his phone, and ignore calls, only you know your fella, theres never any smoke without fire though, my honest opinion only!

Trinity

tatt chic wrote: »

if your gut feeling is telling you that he could be cheating then he very well could be.

i recently found that my boyfriend of 8 years cheated and i ignored the feeling for weeks before i found out for definite.

i don't know what the best way to handle it is, but don't ignore it and pretend everything is ok if you feel it isn't.

lot to be said for gut feelings and it does seem a little strange that he would try shield his phone, and ignore calls, only you know your fella, theres never any smoke without fire though, my honest opinion only!

That must have been hell i am sorry you had to go through it. I share youir sentiments about gut feelings etc.

tatt chic

Trinity1 wrote: »

That must have been hell i am sorry you had to go through it. I share youir sentiments about gut feelings etc.

yeah it was, still is, i kicked him out and thats the end of it, you might have saw my thread titled advice please!

i hope, op that you figure it all out one way or another, its a horrible feeling, don't ignore it though, try and get to the bottom of it

Mr. Incognito

You should trust your boyfriend and leave well enough alone.

No good ever comes from snooping.

tatt chic

SetantaL wrote: »

You should trust your boyfriend and leave well enough alone.

No good ever comes from snooping.

easy to say when you aren't in the situaion yourself, very easy to say that you should trust someone but if she's anyway suspicious or he's acting strange she is intitled to know whats going on.

sorry this subject is very raw with me at the moment but if i hadn't of snooped i would have been none the wiser and wondering and tormenting myself and thats worse imo!

Annie Bananie

Just be honest and ask him!
I would apologize for looking at his phone, as its not right, but tell you found the messeges and ask him who she is. And ask why he shielded his phone the other night and didnt answer.

We all get jealous or suspisious at times. And we all know its wrong to snoop. But if you get a feeling in your stomach it wont go away until you find out.
You cannot just let this pass, cause it will always be in the back of your mind.

Of course you have to remind him that you are very sorry for snooping instead of asking straight away and you know its a bad thing to do. Also make sure that if there is ever a next time, ask him right away and dont snoop. Better for him and you! But better to be honest now, then letting it go too far.

Mr. Incognito

easy to say when you aren't in the situaion yourself, very easy to say that you should trust someone but if she's anyway suspicious or he's acting strange she is intitled to know whats going on.

sorry this subject is very raw with me at the moment but if i hadn't of snooped i would have been none the wiser and wondering and tormenting myself and thats worse imo!

Look i'm sorry for what happened to you but just because your boyfriend was a cheat does not give every woman the right to turn into a paranoid wreck.

A relationship does not work if you do not trust your other half. If she has concerns let her voice them and get an answer. Digging for dirt only makes you dirty.

tatt chic

SetantaL wrote: »

Look i'm sorry for what happened to you but just because your boyfriend was a cheat does not give every woman the right to turn into a paranoid wreck.


she is paranoid for a reason, he's acting strange.



A relationship does not work if you do not trust your other half. If she has concerns let her voice them and get an answer. Digging for dirt only makes you dirty.

totally agree, but asking him is showing she doesn't trust him 100% same as looking through his messages!

Lemming

Annie Bananie wrote: »

Just be honest and ask him!
I would apologize for looking at his phone, as its not right, but tell you found the messeges and ask him who she is. And ask why he shielded his phone the other night and didnt answer.

Ask yourself one simple question;

"How would I react if I was told someone went through my messages and then had the gaul to quiz me on the contents after admitting to violating trust and privacy?"

Be prepared for armaggeddon. Honestly, he will not be impressed to say the least. I doubt anyone else would be.

Of course you have to remind him that you are very sorry for snooping instead of asking straight away and you know its a bad thing to do. Also make sure that if there is ever a next time, ask him right away and dont snoop. Better for him and you! But better to be honest now, then letting it go too far.

Forgetting someone's birthday is a bad thing to do. Rifling through someone's possessions and then admitting to violating their privacy and suspecting them of infidelity is a seriously f*cked thing to do. If you're right well then it's probably over. If you're wrong, well then it's probably over. Either way you lose.

Has it also occurred that if the OP admits to snooping, and then hereafter asks "who is it" right away, she will constantly be viewed as snooping and distrustful albeit in a different manner?

BroomBurner

OP, the message you read is unbelievably innocent sounding! She just asked him if he needed a lift! My assumption, based on that text, was that she is prob a work colleague that was asking if he needed a lift. Simple as. Surely if they were having an affair, the message would have been different, or had little kisses at the end of it or something.

Everyone has little mental moments, just put this one down to one of those and forget about it. People will say that that's easier said than done, but it is actually very simple. Use some logic. And next time, don't go snooping in to someone else's phone, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

IRISH RAIL

these things need to be done slowly and carefully to avoid making big mistakes.
to judge it further we would need to know more about the situation,
The suprise night over is good but I wouldnt call when Im half an hour away Id walk straight up to him.
where does he stay how long has the phone calls been going on ? and did you check his sent messages aswell ?

Karen_*

I'll spare you the lecture about snooping because you know yourself and you're not a child that needs to be scolded repeatedly. So to the matter in hand:

OP based on what you've said I think you're probably worrying about nothing or very little. He's just moved in with you so its very unlikely he's having a fling or an affair. Don't go looking for evidence because when you're suspicious anyway then anything you find will send you into overdrive and you may very well be wrong. If he's seening someone else it will become obvious as he will eventually trip himself up. So just assume he's not up to anything and enjoy the relationship. There could be colleagues and clients who he hasn't mentioned in his phone.

LegacyUser

OP - If you think that he is acting suspicious then you need to sort this out. Generally there is a reason for strange activity - either innocent or otherwise. He may be organising a suprise for christmas...

Ask him what the story is with the constant phone calls or tell him to answer it if it rings while you are there. He's just moved in with you so is unlikely to have done that if he was cheating.

Re the text, was this the one that came in while you were in the taxi? Were all the missed calls from the same number? If it was a once off then its unlikely.

Redpunto

Next time he shields his phone or ignores the calls, ask him who it is, not sure why anyone would shield their phone unless they were hiding something but it could be all innocent.

And agree with not admitting to going through the phone, no good will come of it.

You will need to sort it out one way or the other as you'll go mad with worry.

mollyoh

Well I would go with your gut instinct but suss things out yourself first. From my own experiences asking your bf straight is not going to get you anywhere. Does he answer his phone when you ring him when he is working away? Do you know where he is all the time when he is away? And I find it a bit stange that you have never heard of this woman *Mary considering you have been with him a year!! But it could be innocent too. I would do a bit of checking before you confront him.. But also agree that checking someones phone and e mails etc isnt good (Not just for your relationship but for you, you might find something you dont want to see or you might get caught and then it will be you that is in the wrong if he is in fact innocent..

SarahSassy

Some people are more private than others and while he has recently moved in with you he may be unconsciously maintaining some of his independence / privacy by not telling / showing you everything...

It is unlikely he is having an affair but I would ask him about the phone behaviour...

Annie Bananie

@Lemming (and everyone else )

Why is it so hard for people to admit when doing something wrong? Yes not having trust in a relationship is very bad, but how about honesty? People seem to forget about honesty in relationship. That is no 1 for me. If there is no honesty, then there is no relationship to me. How can the OP demand her bf to be honest and tell her about this, if she is not honest herself?

We all make mistakes and I think its individual how bad we think they are. Snooping by looking in someone elses phone is not the end of the world to me. I would not like it no, but I would much rather that my bf told me and asked me about this person, so I could explain who it is, so there will be no doubt left in him. I would never want my bf go around feeling bad, just because he dont dare telling me he had a look in my phone and never dare to ask me about my male friends. If there is nothing to hide, then why would this be the end of the world? If the guy breakes up with the OP over this, then I suspect he really had an affair tbh.

I still wish the OP best of luck no matter what she desides to do.

Bottle_of_Smoke

This is exactly why I'd never ever read a partner's phone. You can keep quiet and wonder and wonder.

You can ask him, he admits and you're finished.

You can ask him, he denies, thinks you're a supicious nut or knows he has to be more careful and you continue wondering.

Maybe have a chat about how your relationship is doing, and where you see yourselves going. His responses might give something away or prompt him to fess up. Your only other option is a private investigator.

maxwell smart

I work away from home 2 nights a week. I have a workmate who travels with me always. He is in a 7 year relationship and has another woman on the go in the place we travel to. He thinks that I think that this woman is an old college friend (she's not). His gf has no idea whats going on.
Its so easy to cheat when you are working away on a regular basis. The mention of a lift sounds like a code to me.
Arrive at his hotel one evening, maybe around 7pm. Thats the way to find out the truth, don't waste your time on a cheater

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. Maxwell Smart - that's exactly what I thought that the message was a code for something.

When he's away he stays with his Mum. He's a sales rep & doesn't give lifts to clients. I don't know who "Mary" is and he's never mentioned her so I don't know why she'd be asking him for a lift......I def. think there's something going on.

Last night I asked him if he was going to be away this week. He said he wouldn't. I really don't know what to do.

Stef1979

im going to put the cat amongst the pigeons here...
i have no problem reading my other halfs messages and have no problem with him reading mine...whats the big deal...you're supposed to be in a trusting, sharing relationship so it shouldnt matter if they read messages or not..nothing incriminating should be there....
we also both ask "who was that" if a message comes in in each others presence...no big deal to me....
i dont know how to advise you for the best and I really feel for you...stay alert and ask questions if you want answers...if he has a problem with it then maybe hs's not right for you...

LegacyUser

OP, I really sympathise with you, a very similar thing happened me before, and I found the the not knowing and confusion was worse than the actual other woman.

First things first, keep very, very cool about the situation. Dont go acting all suspicious and asking about the phone etc. all of a sudden. If he even smells your suspicion he will be covering his tracks alot better. At night when hes asleep, have a good look at the phone, sent msgs, recieved calls etc. If you see something suspicious, leave it there and say nothing. Chances are it will happen again and the more comfy he feels the lazier he'll get with covering his tracks. The more information you have the better. It doesnt need to go on for months, just a few weeks.


IMHO, dont go beating yourself up over checking his phone, It doesnt mean your paranoid, believe me it will be worth it if you get some solid proof, alot better than wondering if it really happened. Your are only protecting yourself in order to not be made a fool of..The only thing is not to get too obsessive with it and keep it up for a long period of time.. you need to keep your sanity and make a decision at some point down the line whether you want to give the relationship a chance and let your suspicions go...best of luck

Trinity

suspicious wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Maxwell Smart - that's exactly what I thought that the message was a code for something.

When he's away he stays with his Mum. He's a sales rep & doesn't give lifts to clients. I don't know who "Mary" is and he's never mentioned her so I don't know why she'd be asking him for a lift......I def. think there's something going on.

Last night I asked him if he was going to be away this week. He said he wouldn't. I really don't know what to do.

The only other thing in his favour OP is, if he was doing something wrong why didnt he delete the message? Or does he think 100% that you wouldnt look.

I would never cheat but if i did, i'd get another sim card. Or failing that at least delete my messages and delivery reports. Its a bit sloppy for him to be leaving texts from his other woman on his phone so it could be innocent.

So hes not going away this week thats a good thing right? Just keep an eye. The obvious signs are normally (or so they say)
getting secretive with your phone
dressing up more
going out more
being extra nice to you and buying you gifts
and basically just acting differently

But as others have pointed it, you are only living together a month. It seems unlikely hes cheating already! Not saying there is a time scale on cheating but you know what i mean. If he wanted to be with other women he wasnt really commited to you before you moved in and he still chose to move in with you.